A nail
Has been beaten back into the floor
So I no longer step on it,
When I enter the room,
When i finished my shower
When I just want to stand.
This nail was snow on bare skin
Woke me up every time I stepped on it.
Last night mami terrorised me.
Talking about daddy cheating and her losing my sister if he divorces.
Went to a **** interview for an even shitier job.
Said she'd work from 9 to 4 in the morning and it's the perfect opportunity to get back working,
Packing shippings while standing while she has an engineering degree.
She's funny lately.
I tell her I don't really wanna come home today and she says the same.
Insists on sleeping next to me and asking if I hear the sound of my tears hitting the pillow as if it's ghost.
Lover on the other hand says I'm making it hard for her
"I just feel like by getting close I m pushing you away"
So I will dissappear.
Been saying it for years.
When I was little I dreamed of 18 being brighter than ever.
It was futile like all my hopes as a toddler.
Cursed lips of spoken valor.
6 hours, 6 hours, 6 hours that's how much I'll stay in school today.
Hope I come back to a home emptier than before.
Hope it's just a dream and I'll wake up in May.
Or July.
Or never I don't really have preferences anymore.

-I’ve been lying to myself for so long-
-that now I can’t recognize myself-
-I look in the mirror-
{who are you?}
{a stranger...}

I found a way to hold my thumb against my palm so it feels like I'm holding a hand
I read your love letter again exactly one month to the day after you've given it to me,
I'll call it fate.
I told my friend how I wrote about my parents getting my body repatriated-she shuddered but I just blinked.
My mom came with me to watch,
How I gulp down a tequila shot then wash it off with lemon beer-
How I can't take it anymore.
I'm loving this rain, it brands the solitude away from my brain and into my heart, I know I'm meant to be alone.
I'm loving this tightness in my chest, this willow gilded pain I'm glinting
Taking my clothes off so that I'm touching all that could be me, so I'm dreaming it's yours.

how may I ever not
sanctify the blood of
woman when it is
the purest form of jubilation
it is life
it is death
it is the catharsis of
crackling generations
of
trillions of souls
so how may I not
sanctify what is most
holy...
what is most splendid
in creation
the blood of woman
moon untainted
ethereal and wild
the blood of woman
may rule on
from the Earth's core
like it did
before.

but darling
i'm telling myself the same critics
never change anything though
                          °
darling I'm trying to find appellations
for every other meaningless thing
but in my world of correlation
meaningless seems to have a meaning
                           °
i'm a hideous liar
meaning i'm a pretty face selling words of fire
meaning that I deliberate about being shallow or loyal
meaning that i'm dying but I'm quite the survivor
                         °
I'm just as broken down as my whole generation
because we're all the same just deadlier situations
but I'll lie myself through since it's what I'm good at...
you know denying myself isnt that bad
                         °
I've built myself a cursed regime
where my wounded hands reside
because when I decide to hide
no-one will ever find me
                         °
                      
I'm still the same unchanged, colorless and steeped of secrets
still part of the sick game of saving and killing heartstrings
                         °
but in the world where everyone's the same
in a world where you're a complete idiot if you go astray,
in this sick world I'm ready to embrace my "idiocy" _
                           °
with all due respect to the human race
I'd like to go on with my hypocrisy
I'll ask no-one else
If they approve of me_

I think I'm out of words
I think my art became dull
I feel like the two swords
Just gave up fighting for the crown.
Is it that there's nothing to write about?
Or just plain boredom?
If I'll have to count
I think it's a week until I stop forever.
What will I do without writing my heart out everywhere?
I won't care, I wouldn't bare
Without the only thing keeping me alive I could collapse anywhere.
Picking me up would be too much of a weight
And I had enough  people giving up themselves for my sake.
I'll wait...And wait
Maybe I could pick up myself one day

Drowning in ignorance.
I've given up on myself.
I try to breathe out of bubbles of assurance.
But I die with every breath.
I've decided I want to be a spectator to my own pain
The outsider grieving over a theatrical game.
If I was mature enough maybe I'd laugh
However I'm just an orphaned stranger.
A child taking care of its mother.
And hahahaha isn't it funny we've heard the same story over and over again
Nothing new, everyone's sad right?
But nobody's sad over the same pain
We're self-sufficient only at night.
Have I reached that stereotypical age when all you want to do is sleep?
Oh and how society loves to call this self-discovery.
So I just chose Drowning.
Or dying.
To fulfill the purpose of our perfectly functional society.

Love interests
Late night writing
So careless
Just filling in.
____
How am I to make out
The difference
Between what I haunt
And what's part of my cohérence.
_____
Am i meant to catch
What I want to hold, love and cherish
And call the fight of three
A death match.
______
Meant to be human
And gain the common sense
Because that is human acceptance,
Except that is not the field I wanna bloom in
______
Boomin
Through time and space
Young and fullfillin
******* in lace.
______
Just another radio blur in blue
An exchanged frozen breath.
I've no clue
How exactly have we met?
______
I'd ask me too
Just not in the mood.
_______
I'd propose the question
Just don't have that kind of patience.

i laugh
at all the poets they made us learn about in school
then go home...
and become one myself

tremoring skin
I am
undignified by the times.
skin so frail
the Moonlight collides when I
know bones ache when rain may arrive...
Broken bones that is.
I wrote for 19 days continously
Nothing but love letters for a love I know can only be temporary.
For a love that I may need so much it will pain me when I leave it.
I will shed tears in its hollowness
I shed tears in its presence knowing how time passes.
It kills knowing that pain relapses.
Skin will start beating in solidarity with heart
Skin will thunder out of memory and lack of time to move life through.
It sickens I fell tortured by my own hands.
I know broken bones will ache when rain may come but how will I know the after math of heartache?
How will the earth shatter when this love wilts?
How will the waters hesitate to flow when they hear our love has become drought?
How will I ever rot peacefully in my grave knowing I did not get to love you completely?
How will you?