That's what it feels like
Depression
I've never really talked about
My depressed days that much
Its just a part of me
I can never really reveal to other people
This is hard
It never really leaves you you know
Its like your just numb
You can lay there for hours staring
At the ceiling
Doing nothing
Thinking nothing
Or you can be
Lying on your bedroom floor
Tears streaming down your face
Crying silently alone
Burning all the memories
You want to never remember
But somehow can never let go of
You can have the blade in your hand
Running across your skin creating
Lines of red
Lines of pain
Lines of anger
Of heartbreak
No one even knows
You hide it so fucken well
The pain is unbearable
But you can't let it show through
Smile
Laugh even
No one notices
No one notices the scars
You keep your jumper on to hide them
Even on hot summer days
Your skirt hides the lines on your thigh
No one notices
No one knows that the happiest person they know
Truly isn't
They're broken
Cut up
Terrible

I wish I could be fast on your bike
The way you travel this world
Like a kid or enthusiast.
To feel your heart race
against your shirt
that has me quick into thinking
that maybe I've learned
While you ride fast
I fall
and there's no looking back
Only me  watching you go.
It's emptier now
when I can't hear your voice
saying, "good morning"
to the shops opening on my street
As I lay in my bed
where dreams only fool me
I can imagine your wheels turning
as the soles of your feet
Break ******* the pavement.
Maybe you'd look up
Just for a moment...
To see if my window was open.
Still, the heart doesn't know
that my mind begins learning
If you ride fast I fall
and there's no returning
Only you and black bicycle

Dear the Old Me,
You're depressed
Why don't you seek help
You're afraid
You still in primary school
You have no idea
What depression even is
Or that its even a word
At this stage your 9 years old
And your depressed
You just don't really know it yet
You can't explain why your sad most days
Why you cry in your room everyday
Why you always hide under the bed
Hiding away from the world
Let's go forward to year 8
Your at intermediate
You've discovered depression
What it is
It explains everything
Things were worst than ever last year
You were alone
Scared
Depressed
Cried every single day
Felt unwanted
Year 9
You've started self harming yourself
It takes away the pain
Just a little bit
Helps you focus on something else
Just for a little while
Takes the weight off
Just for a little while
You want to die
You've almost gone through with it
Many many times
But you're scared
Put the scissors down
Put the string down
Put the knife down
It's going to be okay
Year 10
You're getting there ***
Things are getting better sweets
Trust me
You're getting better
Slowly
Painfully
Year 11
You're getting bullied
Being told your fake
Ugly
*****
****
But it's okay
You have people there for you this time
To support you
You couldn't be happier
You've met a guy
That you've never really noticed before
He's better than the rest
Witty, kind, quiet, intreging
Your childhood best friend is with you
She's right by your side too
Year 12
This guy now means the world to you
Your best friend and you are closer than ever
She's more your sister now
Things are okay
Average
You're getting bullied
It's starting again
*****, ****, fake
You get to school and your friend doesn't notice
How broken you are
Your best friend can tell right away
You can't stand it you breakdown
Go to class
That guy grabs your arm
Pulls you aside away from the terrors
Asks you what's wrong
You cry right in front of him
He doesn't mind at all
He pulls you close to him
Against his chest
Your making his shoulder wet with your tears
He doesn't mind
He looks after you all day
Keeping a close eye on you
You realise that day who your real friends are
Next day you get threatened
Your scared
He tells you he'll protect you
He does
He keeps you safe
Right now your 16
Have the best friend ever
Best guy in the world to protect you
Best friends ever
Happy family
And great things
Dear the Old Me
Things do get better
Way better
Hang in there love

I walk
With a wooden smile
Simple to the crowd
Almost believable.

I cut myself
Where people cannot see
What horrors
I have done to myself.

I scream
For a minute
Then I laugh
For a minute.

I do not know
how to stop
The need to jump
Out of a moving car.

I try to control myself
I surround myself with people
I take my medications
I try to dance it off.

I get mad
When people do not know
How to help me
When I do not myself.

When I dance
I begin to see the truth
Only then I realize
I am only human.

I long to live life
like the birds who fly not through air,
but on sunlight itself.
I wish to become like a butterfly,
one who blooms a flower
by spreading its wings wide
to show the world its beauty.
Like the grass, I will turn green come Spring,
wealthy in life and company,
learning to dance in the wind.

Sometimes
                                                    a
 ­                                                spark
                                         ignites         a
                                       flame,
                                       other times
                                                        it
­                                                    simply
      ­                                sputters  out
                   ­                leaving
                                behind   nothing
                              but                        ­a
                                wisp of smoke
                                  and a hint
                                    of
                     ­                sulphur,
                                       the only
                                        evidence
           ­                           we even
                                      tried.
               ­                            ...