17 years alive
and I can't bear living
in this world
any longer

17 years alive
and I can't even wait a few months
to be 18
and **** myself then

17 years alive
and I can't handle the pressure
******* nonsense spoken
makes me want to chop off my head

17 years alive
and I did nothing to be proud of
wasted 17 year
full of suffering
and the thought of being dead

it's tomorrow
my date of death
the end of my pain
end of this suffering.

cowardly, it may seem
but that does make things perfect
right
and the end.

3 am
and my mind is still wandering
to places I've never been
or even heard of.

3am
and I'm still wide awake.
thinking of you, of all people
the one I've always want to forget.

3am
and I'm still suffering.
feeling broken and stuck,
falling in an endless void.

fix me, I beg
but you can't and we both know that.

it's 3am right now
and I can't stop thinking
of all the things I should be doing
or should've done so that I won't be suffering

here i am
staring at the screen
full of words typed out by you
" i broke you", you said.
broken,
yes i still am.

"i know nothing could ever mend it(me)"
and yes, nothing ever did.

those words got me stuck.
stuck in my world,
your world,
reality.

stabbed, i was,
by the lingering thoughts
of why you left without a word
without an explanation.

the memories i wish to erase,
are the hardest to forget.
those were the times i was the happiest,
and those were the times i can never get back ever

again.

i want to answer that question
with the biggest "yes" i could fine.
shove that word down their throats
and watch them choke all at once.
i doubt it that you know how it's like
seeing yourself in the mirror and hate what you see
despite what everyone's saying
i'd still rather drown myself in the sea
Yes, i am dead.
dead inside, all thanks to you all.

a rope hung from above
slowly wrapping it around my neck
contemplating if there's another way out

problems fast approaching
with torches and pitchforks
spouting the harsh truth i never want to hear

reached out my hand
hoping that someone will grab it
and pull me out of this deep dark hole that is me

the one question i've been hearing the most lately
which doesn't really surprise me

labeled suicidal,
my whole existence.

everyone's a villain.
i'm all alone in this resistance.

can't breathe
chest tightening
can't stop wheezing

heart aches
chest tightening
won't stop breaking

my problems started
the day you left me to die
with my own thoughts full of regret.
why did you leave me alone
to suffer and go through
this suffering I'm still going through.

I was broken and I still am,
can't be mended or fixed.

dan,
it's time to sleep.
problems don't fix themselves
and staying awake won't help one bit.

dan,
it's time to fix yourself.
you're the only problem that can fix itself
so sleep now and it will help a bit.

manipulation
deception
is what all
you adults do.

why would i
inform you of my depression
when oppression
is where itll lead me to

twisted words
corrupted sentences
selfish reasons

just to "fix" me

in the morning when I wake up
I whisper four words
to motivate me.

when I feel troubled,
broken,
or out of place,
I whisper those words
to keep me company.

as everything slowly breaks down
and I'm down on my knees
unable to stand let alone move
I can only whisper those words

those four words,
"I wish I'm dead"

i know what are the things
things i can never own
things i can never have
things i can never imagine possessing

but such is life
unfair
hopeless
and ever so terrifying

losing hope is the same
as dying emotionally
what's the point of feeling
if getting hurt is what you'll get

the handful of happy memories you have
are what's keeping you going
the one allowing you to hang on
the one slightly gleaming with hope

every morning i wake up
is another day filled with regret

the demons in my head won't go away
endless discouragement is all i get

no wonder i want to disappear
with nothing more to fret

as i will be gone from this earth
nothing else but death

because a sad suicidal is stereotypical
acting happy is hypocritical
hanging in there is too biblical
ending one's life is cynical
waiting for a voice so lyrical
that'll help this life that's so minimal
i can't even be egotistical
because i'm just a lowly, foolish individual
a happy suicidal

day by day
it gets harder to breathe
on my bed i lay
gasping for air
lungs tightening
choked by memories
regrets and a shattered heart

driven by emotion
"I write"
me, myself and I,
I spite
these demons around me
I invite
in my head they stayed
as they ignite
my head, my heart,
my soul, it burns bright.

every time I close my eyes ,I see
the me who was happy.
his smile was as wide as it can be
as he wished things wouldn't change for an eternity

as the darkness envelops me, I see clearly
the mistakes I made back when I was happy.
I was a fool that believed i could be loved
by someone like you who was way above.

in the end, it was darkness who was with me.
it held my hand as cried to sleep
and told me that he's there for free
as it hugged me tight while I weep.

my mind is dark, like my world in reality.
my heart slowly hardens and is turning into stone
as my body fell due to gravity
as I lay there, on my cold, pavement throne.

it's fun
when everyone gives up on you,
and you give up on them.

im the one carrying the burden
of leaving everyone.
everyone who "cared"

yeah, you cared,
but there's one thing
that can't change

you can't do a thing
i can't do anything
to help me

so what i will do
is save myself
save me

have you noticed this one huge hole in your life
that gap in your being that makes you want to fill it

it's him
it's her

that one person you wished to have  looked at you
more than just a friend

it's him
it's her

that one person you always want to please
the one you want to acknowledge you

it's him
it's her

the person you don't ever want to see sad,
melancholic or full of anxiety

it's him
it's her

nobody wants to feel broken,
shattered,
or alone.

circumstances says no,
and makes you go through all the states,
of being broken, shattered,
or being alone.
sometimes all at the same time,
just to make you wish,
hope,
or pray,
that one day,
it will all be better.

I love the sound
of my body shaking
by heart breaking
my soul falling
apart.

I love the feeling
of my body trembling
my heart aching
my soul turning
dark.

I love the thought
of my body falling
my heart stopping
my soul flying
free.

exasperation
vexation
for giving a ****

aggravation
irritation
for being who i am

this last confession to you
is something I dread.

feelings I've kept
are haunting me like the dead.

these things I'll say to you
are the last nonsense you'll hear.

because I fear that I'll shatter
and everyone would cheer.

suicidal thoughts in my head
permanent solution to these problems that I dread
all your nagging got me so fed
that I wish I was dead.

I heard my thoughts and I gasped
they all say "don't **** yourself. not so fast"
ending my life would be such a blast
as eternal freedom I grasped.

ugly and out of shape
clueless and unreliable

just 1am thoughts of how i see myself

my eyes closed shut as i lay in bed
the constant throbbing can't seem to stop in my head
the thought of tomorrow filled me with dread
as i prayed to the gods for me to be dead.

you can't do it
you're weak

you're pathetic
always sick

you can't make it
just end your life, quick!

don't say otherwise
because most of you wouldn't want it.
to be friends with a person
who doesn't shut up about suicide.
i for one, is the most pathetic kind.
for years, I've been thinking about it.
months ago, I started planning.
turned it into a social experiment,
even though i knew how it's going to end.
I may still be alive,
but death is slowly creeping.
I'm still alive but I'm rotting inside.
favorite words eating me alive,
inside out.
Pathetic, disgusting,
coward, liar.
just a few of those words i know,
what you just want to scream
right at my ear.
i may still be alive,
but everyone's killing me

rejection
is my friend
and he's always
by my side
he doesn't leave
even when you ask him to
because that's how stuck he is
to you

when you feel insignificant
and that your existence is minimal
when you feel degraded,
ignored and hurt

remember me

because i'm just like you
maybe less insignificant
or a little more annoying

but i've gone through how you're feeling
hoping it'll all get better

if only these pills would do the trick
end my life in just a blink
deep into the darkness i want to sink
for now I am no longer considered sick

i really want to sleep

forever, if it's possible

i need a long, long rest

starting now but i am unable

i'd swallow the pills

if killing me with it is plausible

sometimes I wish
that the plane I took crashed
where everyone survived, but me.

sometimes I wish
that every time I'm out
I'll get hit by a car and die.

sometimes I wish
there is a hand to hold
to prevent me from killing myself.

every time I wish
that I should've jumped
and ended things with a big loud bang.

i'm new to this environment
where i can share all my feelings
but what i am seeing
are ads that are aggravating
words that are deceiving
sentences that have no meaning

oh, what have become to these beings
bunch of nonsense about healing

i hope and pray that these *******
are just here for the time being.

introduce yourself
as I do not know who you are
we've never talked
or seen each other
which makes it confusing
because you think you know how I'm feeling

when your vision gets blurry
and your legs start to shake
you'll see the reasons to go on
slowly disappearing.

when you can barely clench your fists
and can no longer grit your teeth
your heart won't stop aching
and all you wish is rest and some sleep.

when your mind gets overloaded
with memories you can't forget
you wish you've never been born
to witness all these things you'll regret.

for you to believe
to a person such as me
is unbelievably touching

fate and support
often seen but rarely felt
i thank thee for everything

thoughts are louder
wide awake

head hurts
as if it'll break

thoughts are louder
wide awake

words keep coming
my head aches

"oh can you tell, I haven't slept very well
since the last time that we spoke"

mayday parade-stay

"if I ever see you on the street,
I'll pretend that I didn't see
and turn my face
no use in small talk anyway"

David choi-wont even start

songs that remind me
that I'm still wrecked and broken
since that day where it all ended.
those happy times I wish to relive.
those memories I want to cherish.

I need to rest and I've never given myself one ever.
if not temporarily, let me rest indefinitely.

let the pain swallow me whole
shatter my bones and soul
break my heart and my every goal

as I open my eyes
new problems passing
with no hope for a solution
wishing here for me to die

as I close my eyes
no problems passing
nothing else to hope for
I might have already died

giving it all never works out
turning around for a second
and someone can just easily
sweep her off her feet

coming out of my shell
and all of the perseverance
I tried being there but
it's wasted because I'm irrelevant

trying to be happy
it never works out
because reality wants you to suffer
and makes you wish you're not alive

I give up on reality
society and it's hypocrisy
using your life as a thread
to control you as their puppet

still a kid
with one more year to go
to be considered almost an adult
by all the pretentious human beings
who acts as if they know what's better
for me who is
still a kid

i'm a listening ear to anyone
and a nobody to everyone

you may say i'm somebody to you
but we both know it isnt true

showing false compassion
for a nobody like me from you

crossroads in this rocky path
that I have no choice but to take.
unless I run off a cliff
with jagged rocks below
crushing every hopes and dreams
that will lead to a good night's sleep

i know how it feels
to be broken in pieces.
millions of pieces.