i feel like an alien in my own skin
scratching through flesh trying to get back to myself
echoes of my youth ringing in my ears, clawing to get me
back to the way i was before
all the scruffy chins scratched up
my face, making me red and raw and exposed,
before hands meant electricity to me,
before i lingered for anyone other than
a ******* stuffed animal, and
before lips meant excitement and awkwardness and
even *******. i'll just
sleep all day to forget who i am and
remember who i was,
if she's still out there
somewhere.

They ask me how I feel.
How could I explain this?
The cracks and sizzles beneath my skin when anyone touches me now.
The snapping of my guts being removed from me,
and the empty pit left within.
My skin covered in
layers and layers and layers
of don't look at me.
I'm ashamed.
How could I tell the reasons
why my tears threaten to run away from me,
but I pull them back in.
Holding onto them tight,
so no one knows.
As if the salty water could wash away my front.
How could I make them grasp the fact that everything personal I've had is gone.
Every secret spread across my face.
Every crack and scrape once covered by makeup,
now pulsing redder and hotter than before.
There is no words for how I feel.
There is no script of what to say.
There's only one time I get to feel this way.
And it is the most terrifying thing in the world.

When it's time to tell the boy, the name
Of my pet elephant in the bedroom,
I know to expect one of two reactions.
His eyes could widen, with interest,
At the prospect of having stumbled
Upon America, a new world.
They only want to plant their flag.
But more likely he will grow quiet,
Not knowing what to say to fix me,
I didn't realize I was broken.
More likely my virginity is not a
Responsibility he signed up for.

He won't leave me right away,
But for all intensive purposes
He's no longer with me.
This kind of distance is not
Geography related.
Now holding hands is a chore,
For it's no longer foreplay.
What's the point of taking me to bed
When there's that much pressure.
He doesn't want to give me the wrong idea.
He love's me, too much to
Take that away from me.

I don't want it taken from me
I want to share the best parts
Of ourselves.  
I want to come together,
In every meaning of the phrase.
I won't let the oppression of
God in our bed, but I want
To utter his name in vain.

I decided a long time ago
That I'd wait for love, but
I never thought that love
Would make me wait this long.
Never thought I'd avoid first kisses
With the fear they'd be last kisses.
I never thought I could scare boys away,
But my virginity is no longer an elephant.
It has become this dragon,
That no one is brave enough to slay.

And so I sit, in my ivory tower
Of ****** frustration, and wait on love.
I'm waiting for a third type of reaction.

It's on the bottle,
On the lit cigarette,
The ***** sheets
And sweaty bodies
That are tangled
Within the emotional
Textiles and figures
That dance on the walls
With each passing car.

It's the cats piano
And the manic that follows.
It's the mouth that opens
And the sound that lingers.

The terms and conditions
Which form when entering into
A loft that isn't yours,
But someone else's.

It's chocolates and cigarettes,
Whiskey and
Of course
A solo sunrise.

I didn't care to lose it,
it was a paperweight to me.
And i was lifted into different corners of possibilities as i was freed,
I was no longer caged in the idea
that I was young or naive,
that no one could know me.

And still no one knows me,
for I'm not just my body.
My soul;
it's own entity.

And though I curve towards you,
I know your warmth,
and I shiver
under your chest,
You are no different
than the rest.

are you
or are you not?
who really
gives
a
****

I do not have a ****** heart..
It's been ****** with,
And torn apart..
My heart is a *******,
Getting payed with love-filled lies.
My ****** body isn't yet caught up.
I gave all that was inside of me,
Trying to protect what I was born with,
My cleanliness, my virginity,
My purity..
My ****** body is white, pure, clean.
But my heart is black, broken, dead..
Waiting to be revived.
So please, revive my heart..
But don't take my body..