laughs carried down by an ocean breeze
we spin beach umbrellas like strip poles
as the world spins beneath our feet
your smile is contagious, and i know

i have the worst tanline in a history of tanlines
but this is the best time i've had in a long time

snap back to reality
where we sneak out of windows
and bike down the midnight streets
with weary hearts and unsteady feet
to meet each other
in the middle of the night
the only time we can hold each other
without being burdened by judging eyes

a cardboard closet just for you and me
in the corner of the universe
where we hide silently, waiting
for the planets to align, waiting
for the stars to align, waiting
for some kind of sign
simply just waiting while
we are lost in each other's eyes

and after a long time
i finally realized
that the constellations in the sky
have always aligned
with lines of your hands
and the curve of your waist
and even the glow of dying stars
reflected the warmth of your skin

but snap back to reality,
with cameras in the corners
and sneaking out is like escaping hell
and with a window comes freedom
but free-falling fifteen feet down
and landing myself in the hospital
with a broken leg or a bruised ego
would just make things worse

so this becomes the reason why
i am choking on my breath under a dark sky
with a heart that has forgotten how to beat
a mouth that has forgotten how to speak
and lungs that have forgotten how to breathe
because i am trapped within a false reality
of what could have been and should have been
of what we were and what we could never be

i write out the letters and
i send them without shaky hands
is this it? is this growth?

hyacinthus, i am selfish
everyone already knows that
i would sacrifice the world for you
and not once consider turning back

the flowers you weaved into wreaths when
we were two boys in love with each other
they sat like crowns upon our heads
we were just two kings in a field of flowers

aphrodite warned me what was written in stone
that my father had given only one throne
she warned me that it could never fit two kings
but when my gaze landed on you, i disagreed

for you, i would have offered my throne
for you, i would have traded my crown
for you, i would have sacrificed the world
for you by my side, i would have let it all burn down

but for you, hyacinthus,
i will also learn to be selfless
i will listen to your soft, dying words
and upon river styx, i will promise:

i will not tear the world apart
to have you by my side again
i will be bitter, i will be vengeful
but i will not act upon my vengeance

for the sake of this undeserving world
for my love towards you, i will be selfless
for the sake of your dying wish, hyacinthus,
i will swear, i will promise:

i will let you go softly,
i will not be selfish,
i will let you go gently, my love—
gently, but not unnoticed

i woke up sad
you were in my dreams again

it's getting worse
you're everywhere i go

a face i don't know
i recognize

as far as you know
i don't care about you anymore

i can't let you know
it hurts me even more

to see us happy
in a place that's not real

i will keep skipping stones in the dark until
my feet grow wet and my ears become filled
with the pitter-patters echoing across the pond

will these whispers reach your daffodils that sway so far away?
will your flowers feel the warmth that i offer to the breeze?
will the winds lay mercy on the hope that i hold so close?

so for selfish reasons, i ask you to look away, narcissus:
your love for that reflection has already dug you
a grave deep enough to smother apollo's sun

and i, painted forever as foolish, naive echo—
and i, who have already lost my voice and home—
my love, i cannot bear to lose you, too

i've been running from the truth
running up an empty staircase
yet somehow i keep spiraling down

i've been searching for love
for a droplet of whatever is left
a symbol of hope to answer my prayers

if i reach the top of these stairs
having finally escaped truth's poena
will you be there waiting for me?

or will it be deja vu, another infinite loop
of my heart drowning in deep waters
as you stand there, watching with a smile

my heart hesitates but my steps are steady
i run from no truth, i already know the truth
things are meant to fall apart

and every time, it is the same
and every time, i am always powerless
just a mere bystander to my own downfall