Have you ever held someone for the last time?

But not physically.

Have you held the thoughts, the memories, the love, the pain, the vulnerabilities, the pictures, the songs, the texts and secrets of someone for the very last time..?



I have.





Have you ever told a lie that held some truth?

But not completely mean it.

Have you ever told someone that you're okay, when you're depressed, miserable, and completely torn apart. But yet in some twisted, and sick way you are okay. Because unhappiness is all you've ever known...?



I have.






Have you ever broken someones heart?

But didn't regret it.

Have you ever put your heart on the line for someone you value above and over anyone and anything in this world, but broke your own heart in the process because what was best for them, wasn't best for you..?



I have.



Have you ever wanted to just not feel anymore?

But you're in love with pain.

Have you ever just wanted to take a bottle of pills, or walk out in front of a moving car just because, life is too hard. You don't want to be alive anymore but yet, in all the chaos, you find peace in your misery because out of everything that never stays. Out of everything that changes and altars, it's always been there for you. To wrap you up in a blanket of depression and tuck a pillow of anxiety under your head. While singing a song of your worst fears as you close your eyes and drift into a second reality filled with the monsters in your head.

I have.


Have you ever fallen in love..?

But not in reality.

Have you ever fallen in love with the imagination of something that you know you'll never reach, touch, hold, find, or ever see. Have you ever fallen in love with the pictures the demons in your head paint? Have you ever written down how you feel into a million tiny words then set fire to them and watch them go up in smoke much like your efforts, and possibly entire life..?

I have.

If someone flinches when you want to put your arm around them
Someone else's hand wasn't that nice

If someone questions you
Someone else has lied to them

If they don't tell you everything
Someone else betrayed their secrets

Behind every cranky, complicated person
Or every person who is afraid to love
Is someone who's tired of being hurt

Greet the girl in the street,
Give her a hug:
Please give her something to eat,
A tea in a mug;

She's got a lot of trouble,
That's why she's on drugs:
Probably been ***** in the struggle,
By some viscious thugs;

She looks into your eyes
To see what you've got:
She's heard too many lies,
Her dignity she has lost;

The society despises her,
But if only they knew
Her aches and fear,
They'd change their point of view;

She probably ran from her family
Or an abusive father:
Or couldn't stand a certain tragedy,
Therefore she runs far;

If her being out there
Is caused by her folly,
Life can be unfair,
And how many are holy?

Imagine what kind words would do,
When spoken from a compassionate heart:
It could bring nourishment to you,
And healing to a broken heart;

So do not judge the girl in the street,
Please do not hurt her:
Do not see her as prey or meat,
If you can't help,then stay afar.

I'm not sure I'm even sad anymore by the technical definition of the word-
I think I just am tired of waking up to the same smells, the same sounds, the same loneliness that has become my best friend-

They say you get addicted to a certain type of sadness, but that could be just a lyric in a song I heard once-
I find myself dismissing the ideas of sunshine and wishing for the rain-
I find myself driving across state lines tossing my cell out the window and letting my darker than normal hair fly in the wind as I drive with no end goals-

I am sure I'm not sad anymore I just hate routine and want to disappear for a while-
My doctor wants to put me on anti-depressants but I flipped him off and screamed anarchy as I walked out that door-

One day I'll have the courage to say goodbye to everything I've ever known-
I'll color my hair and wear tight pants because I can do what I want-
I'll drink midori sours in the morning and sleep in my car-

My doctor called me reckless and insane -
My parents called me immature and needed to grow up-
My friends told me I'm depressed and keep trying to reassure me I won't die alone-
I say I don't give a **** anymore; let the wild take me and set me free-

Hello stranger,
Can I tell you something?
Everyone's like a stranger to me.
So; you know,
it doesn't seem hard to open up to you.
'Cause all the people in my life
are becoming strangers to me.

Who am I?
Inner most me I cry
I feel like I don't know.
So much of me I just can't show

Me the three part being
Recognize not the song I keep singing
Spirit,soul,body
Deeply feeling so shoddy

What a jest,me evolve
Difficult equation that I cannot solve
Yearning to change,never the same
Make the pain leave,stop the blame

Where's the Light, searching for hope
Need strength to loosen the rope
The waters have over taken me in it's mighty tide
Faith lead me on this roller coaster ride

So who am I,learning a step day by day
Being alone my choice don't have to be this way
Life and beauty can be a part of my path
Saying no to the war that has tried to claim me and it's terrible wrath

I'm being eaten alive by my own thoughts.
I can't run,
I can't hide.
Each one kills me more and more.
The darker they get,
The more deadly they become.
I wish I could escape them,
But you can't escape your own thoughts.