And I can't figure out
why you're still on my mind
after all this time.

You found me a shell of a girl,
all smiles and laughter.

You found me a gloomy girl,
who mastered her guise.

You found me an ambitious girl,
struggling to lift herself up.

You found me a fearful girl,
who trusted your intentions.

You found me a guarded girl,
who was letting down her walls.

You found me a happy girl,
who was finally feeling wanted.

You found me a mysterious girl,
retracted because your apparent disinterest.

You found me a tragic girl,
saddened by your withdrawal.

You lost me a fantasy girl,
hurt by your abandonment.

You almost had the girl,
you had her so close it hurt,
then you left her in pieces.

How poetic that the way you found her,
was the way you'd leave her.

When did I get this way?
Was it my first lapse in judgement?
Was it the first time I was so terrified of going to school
I had a panic attack?
Was it the first time I pulled?
Was it on any of the numerous nights I broke down
alone and afraid of who I was?
When did I get this way?
It scares me to know I've been this way forever.

You ask me why im so quiet,
maybe its from the hours spent at
home trying to get my opinions heard
under a shaking voice only to be yelled at
and told I am wrong.

When you wonder why we never hang out
or why I don't tell you anything too personal
don't take it personally, I've seen enough to know
that people you care about don't stay around
forever, people die and friends leave you.

And when people are shocked that I've never
been in love they don't know the hours I've
spent healing the wounds of friends with
broken hearts and reassuring my cousin
that she is in fact loved.

You don't know what it takes to drag myself
out of bed in the morning or how I take a 4 hour nap after
school because school drains the life out
of me.

You don't feel the constant fear
of public speaking, of even talking to a
teacher makes me tremble inside.

You don't know because I don't let
you know know, because I can't,
because letting you know means letting myself
be vulnerable to even more pain and stress.

You won't know because I've been open before,
and I've been hurt.

You wonder why I won't stop,
But do you wonder why I ever started?
Do you ever wonder how I feel?
Do you ever wonder if I have tried?
Do you ever wonder that I have cried?
Do you ever wonder that I almost have died?
Do you ever wonder why I have survived?
Do you ever for a second wonder that I can't?
Do you ever wonder?
You wonder not.

It's whatever I say,
Just to get through the day,
In my jaded view,
My problems diminish into blurs,
Its whatever.

Its 1:31 AM, I’m awake on a Sunday night having just finished a sad movie. I must be an emotional wreck because I usually don’t write like this unless I feel deeply sad in my heart. Its weird how its touch and go, how one minute I’m sad and the next I’m nervously smiling watching the crowd in a nostalgic happiness. For some odd reason I’m crying, earlier today I was at a concert, and then afterwards my mother brought me to an over 21 bar. I’m barely over 17, and I realized in that moment next year I would be an adult. A free, unbounded, set on adventures full blown adult; and yeah I felt excited but the worst part was that unbearable scariness clenching my soul telling me unknown is upon me. I’m very odd like that; while my exterior emanates pure bliss my interior can have a billion thoughts of terror and fear of the unknown, a silent battle on a happy vessel.  I’m trying to keep it together here, but here I am almost 2 am on a school night crying my eyes out for nothing and poring my heart out into a poorly written letter to myself. I’ll probably stay up all night because at this point will be extremely tired either way. Sometimes I regret ever taking AP and honors classes, they take up so much of my vacant time, and I always end up procrastinating till the end of me and it hurts so bad. One day I think the stress will be all too much for me, I’ll have pulled out all my eyelashes, picked off every last bump, and silently cried my last tear, and I’ll just vanish into an endless sea of sleep. I hope that never happens though, because for some odd reason I always seem to thrive in these stressful times, I mean sure my coping mechanisms stress me out even more but I survive. I hope the next time I feel like writing it won’t be spur of the moment 2 am because I really need my beauty sleep. It goes without saying that I am a very shallow *****, I am rude and arrogant and intelligent and annoying, but without any of those qualities my life would be impossible. I probably would’ve offed myself by now if I didn’t have a way to cope, if anyone who knows me is reading this you should know how deeply sad I am yet how unbearably happy I am at the same time. I love the time when I wake up and I just want to roll over and sleep again, the moment when my whole outfit screams my name and I feel the best kind of sexiness, when I finally get that math problem or I am full speed ahead in all my classes, you have no idea how happy I am when I hang out with a family member or on rare occasions a friend. How sad it makes me when my sister pushes me around, yet how happy I am that she is still to date my best most wonderful friend in the entire world and there is no way that I would ever be able to survive without her in my life. Now I’m a sobbing mess, over a rude sister, wow how ******* my perspectives of the world are. There is no way I would trade her for anything in the world, her natural beauty and grace, her constant fighting spirit, and her wonderful and unattainable intelligence because there is no way I will ever be as smart as her and no matter what I will always look up to and in to her. This is not a love letter, more a jumbled mess of sad and happy words all mixed together desperate to sort itself out. Scared of the future yet so unbearably yearning for it, what a terribly numb life it hurts so bad it makes me happy to be alive. I could be a sullen gloomy mess of a girl yet my life revolves around the simple fact that I am happy, and no matter what diagnosis or what condition I will always be happy.