so it starts with a girl, barely the age of 10 and already wondering when the baby fat will melt off
glances in the mirror at unwanted curves and softness
why would a 10 year old need to worry about their body?
comments from a father about diets and diseases and suddenly food stops being a necessity but a burden
a brother remarking how a second helping is how you develop diabetes, you don't eat again that night
mom tries to help, "you've got a nice figure" she says
it only makes you hate the softness more
so a girl, at the ripe age of 17, decides that food is no longer a nessesity but a burden
a few months into it a friend makes a joke how you need to start eating more because of how small you're getting
you laugh it off and ignore the pride swelling in your chest
because food was never good or nourishing
but rather numbers on a scale and buttons that didn't quite close
because food was always a burden and never a nesessity

if I told you
the "F" marked on my
birth certificate wasn't me
would you tell me how wrong
I am?
how I'm too young
to know or think something
like that?
if I told you I'd rather
flatten my chest
deepen my voice
shorten my hair
be called something
you think I'm not
how would that turn out?
I hope one day
I can tell you how I feel
without the fear or proof that
to you
I wouldn't be a child
playing dress up

to lie
and say I am not jealous
I can't
I watch you smile
and laugh
and feel the bliss of happy
I am jealous
resentful
bitter
I want to lie and say I am glad you're happy
but your happiness was at the cost of leaving me
so is it selfish
to wish you still wanted me around

cigarettes and something else
corners were down most of the time
I can't remember when last they smiled
hair short and messy
played with a lot
hand runs through the nest when unsure
they used to laugh
a snort or a cackle
head thrown back and hands covering face
jokes about nothing
somehow the feeling lit up
always an attempt for happy or sunflowers
somewhere doodles stopped
smiles turned to frowns
cheeks that once hurt from smiling stained
from tears that seem to never end
a smile that lit up turned to a frown
to stay away from
yellow became black
and I watched it all happen

remember the laughs
how nothing would trigger a giggle
stomach fluttering
smiling eyes
a smack on the shoulder
small touches
talking about nothing meant something
and you said I mattered

I assume I should apologise
For the words wrought in red
Of fire and rage
"you hurt me" I cry
But what of the actions
That brought about the desire for death
Hatred brews deep within
Of oneself perhaps
Possibly the subject of this piece
I cannot say
To the idea maybe
That the initial time doors open
Flowers will bloom on arms
And eyes will crinkle in corners
I cannot say for sure

I see it as a person
no thought or illness but this tag along that refuses to leave
on days where I am sad I listen as friends try their best to make it easier
on days like this the voice screams
I don't hear the reassurance and praise but only the screams
the bad
I find myself feeling guilty for this voice in my head
unable to hear anything but how terrible I am
I find myself feeling guilty for the people around me
this person in my head spreads a darkness
and I do not blame people for running for safety

it's crushing
isn't it?
that loneliness in your chest
and it hurts
and hurts
until it gets to a point
where you think holding a knife
to your chest would hurt
less but that is not how it works
no
youre not allowed to
forbidden
oh no you can't
but what if I did
would you see?
would you notice the one less message
doodles to ash
arm clear of flowers
i don't need help
I'm here if you need anything
thanks but no thanks
okay
I'll leave one day
unaffected you'll sit but
at last I'll be at peace

How do I explain the hurt?
The feeling of nothing and everything
Emptiness that sits in my chest
That somehow has a weight
And I can not get up
Or do anything about it
How is it possible for pain
To mix with numb
And become something so unbearable
I can not breathe
Air entering my lungs hurts
While I try to gasp to keep
This body alive that is so damaged
To match the mind
That seems to cling to hurt like a life source
The pain it cannot live without
It seems that good is foreign
In this head
Of sadness and suffering that sits alone
With its self

I wish I could defy logic
to tell you I understand and I know
the extent of the pain that sits in your chest
in the back of your mind
when you do things to forget
I wish I could go back and hug you
tight and loving because I know
but I wish I could tell you
that you'd smile again
genuine and pure
and you're going to feel more like yourself
than what you have in a long time
I want to have been that voice in
the back of your head to tell you
carry on
but maybe I was because you're
still here
because you laughed at the dog the other day
and the small things bring you joy
like the purples and oranges of sunsets
and the smell of coffee while rays shine onto skin that you can show again
baths aren't filled with tears but rather
steam and bubbles and warmth
you laugh at the small things that you'd normally overlook
you smile when it rains and you can finally breathe again
after so long you can breathe again