the more i try the more it just feels false
my words come out and just like that I freeze-
i regret what I say and keep silent around everyone
then the silence catches up with me
and infiltrates my mind

why did i speak why did i have to be
me, what is it about my existence
that makes life so ******* difficult to
to speak to think to form a sentence or two
why is something so simple so complex

you have kind eyes
i’m not saying anything more except
that’s
that’s what attracted me -
not in a romantic way or
any way at all
just a friendly way i guess,
so some sort of way it turns out,
a really random way or
completely accidental or
oops there goes my mind again

but i can’t help it when there’s someone new
who tolerates me to the point of tears
then drops me on my *** and forgets
i’m even here

i dont trust very easily but i want to trust you,
my eyes want to cry and my mouth wants to speak
but see what happens when the two collide?
this.
this is what happens and
this is how i lose people and
this is how i live
because i’m afraid of being left behind or disliked
because it’s not every day someone with kind eyes
shares an ounce of of their kindness by looking into my
own
kind
eyes

dear god please don’t **** this up
i know i’m an atheist but
****** atheists have some kind ******* eyes

check

check

check again

slide

unlock

refresh

clear the history

pretend I never said that.

Wow I’m stupid I

Maybe I’m not the stupid one, maybe it’s you

*******.

With your ridiculous face and squiggly hair

how you make me feel things and draw me in

with interlocking fingers and subtle touches.

I can’t I can’t I can’t

my anger is coming out sweet as honey

too gentle for my vicious state I’m stuck in.

******* you.

I check every form of social networking

waiting for you to give me a sign

a little wave.

Instead I get a read receipt.

******* you.

******* the four months we were glued to each other

by force at first, then by choice.

And now a different scenario and a different she

who is much prettier than me

who I’d really like to see

and tell her how lucky someone is

to look into your eyes, even for one dance.

I know it’s unreasonable of me to have such feelings for someone so opposite.

But really we’re quite the same

looking for something else to blame

for every ounce of pain you make me feel

and you think that I’m lame.

You make me feel like
I'm in heaven;
you're the angel who
guides me through the
darkness of my
mind--
Who would've thought
that truth be told,
You became the devil that
trapped me
inside his hellish heart.

3rd floor
Yellow walls
And gracious friends all around.
Early morning approaches
Eyes blink and dry up
But that doesn't make a difference

Because as long as I'm with you,
It doesn't matter if it's 2:17 in the morning when I'm posting this poem,
Or 11:37 driving around the lighthouse,
My comatose state
Is no match
For what my heart cries for.

They see the face,
the cheeks,
the black wings above my eyes,
the smudged red lipstick
and graphite on my chin.

They see who I am
on stage,
every monologue performed,
every perfected scene,
every bow when the curtain closes.

But the curtain never closes in my ever cluttered mind.

This is who I am on the outside.

They don't know
how my mind warps
and contorts
into a black nothingness.
How my obsessive thoughts
consume me entirely.
I am my struggle,
I am every tear shed,
every fake smile, every coy response,
steadily winning,
slowly losing.

Hell, I don't even know who I am.

and there you sit
curled up in a chair
with knees beneath
your chin, sipping
your hot coffee
oblivious to the world

tuned out the world
tuned into the fantasy
of a perfect unknown
world-
reality becomes an
evaporated puddle
under the sun

let the passers-by wonder
what thoughts
are running through your head
you'll never know
you'll never trust

so there you sit
Alone.

It's funny how the little things
Like breakfast for dinner
With your best friends
Or playing hide and seek
At ten o'clock
Under fluorescent lights
Can make your life significantly better.
With every laugh
I felt my body smiling
I felt my cheeks reddening with joy
And I felt my soul being warmed
By the best company. It doesn't matter
Where you are;
Fast food at midnight,
Huddled in a seated car,
Sitting on plush carpets next to
A roaring fire,
Talking, writing, laughing, ranting, it's the company,
It's knowing that people trust you
With their secrets,
Care enough to make you smile,
Want you to be with them-
That's what matters.
Saturday night
I laughed until I cried.
For the first time
In days
Weeks
I felt connected-
I felt wanted and loved, and most of all,
For once,
I felt happy.

We live
In a world
Of do not's,
Broken promises.
A world filled with lies,
Fake smiles and
Immediate "I'm okay's";
Inanimate demons,
Delicious regrets,
Dark paradises
That take us beyond
Our mind's
Control.