We cannot write silence.
The beats.
The pause.
The breath.
The way it aches
and persists

and begs that,

if only for a moment,

our consciousness is only a whisper.
our bodies,
our lips,
the air that passes through falling chests
and stillness.

A melody of emotion.
Sleeping in the quiet of a heartbeat skipped
a word lost to the wind.

The wickedness of reticence
Encapsulated in air and time.

The moment stretched too long.
Hesitation perpetuated in the grip of fingernails
pressed into palms.

We cannot write silence,
but we can try.

to find a way to immortalize emotion
to create space
in the ceaseless drone of words that speak and spin.

I cannot write silence. But I can write
tears and years
and the burn of long-stretched lies.

I can write goodbyes and hellos
And dozen ways to say
I love to hate you
Or
I hate to love you
and sometimes
I cannot tell the difference.
Silence.
The space I have upheld for myself.

I love to hate you
Heart.

I hate to love you too.

I cannot write silence.
But I know it.
and I have held it in my hand.

It was only a sunny
smile, and little it
cost in the giving,
but like morning
light it scattered
the night and made
the day worth living

You would never taste
your words before
you spit them out.
Only to be on your knees
begging for forgiveness.

But there were things said…
Ohh how I wish I hadn’t listened.

#Acid
*Timelessessence

Words, once set to open air,
Gain weight.
Like boulders they can roll
from your mouth down a
slippery ***** of destruction to
eventually settle heavily on the shoulders
of innocent individuals, the weight of which
often proving too much for their
fragilely constructed foundations to support.
Like a gun,
keep the safety on what you speak,
Don't point hateful words,
at anything you love,
unless you intend to **** it.
Because more deadly than any
lead based projectile what you say
will leave your mouth like
a tomahawk missile loaded with
a poisonous and corrosive payload
capable of entering a persons soul and eating it up
from the inside out.
They'll tell you your whole life,
"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
Perhaps more people would heed this warning,
If they said,
"Your words are a thermonuclear bomb capable of disintegrating
egos quicker than Fat Man did Nagasaki, the lasting effects of which may resonate through time in a cataclysmic downward spiral you could not possibly begin to imagine, so be careful."

Once
You spoke of our souls living out their days in the garden of Eden.
Yet you were the one who bit into the forbidden fruit
Condeming me as you have been,
Being tempted by the devil you have killed me
Taking that discarded bone that was my life and driving it though my pale and aguished heart.

Have I confused you with my bible references?
Let me clear it up for you

You were my everything and yet you harmed me
I forgave you because I loved you and therefore made excuses for you
But once my excuses started falling upon the deaf and dead
I felt it right to leave your chambers for more than just one night

I heard the words of a spoken word poet and fell in love
And the more I wrote like she, the more I realized what you did to me

I realized that your words were cold and your fists were hard
The grabbing of my side was a mear warning I did not listen to.
Unintentionally, I was right in saying you would be the death of me,
But I certainly said it in the wrong context.

You were my abuser.
You gave me chocolates and flowers and teddy bears to keep me happy and smiling
To keep me unaware of your manipulation and beatings of words to my skull

You may not have hit me,
But You might as well have
Because emotional and verbal violence, is abuse as well

Now let's contemplate.
Almost two years I put up with you but it was maybe a year that you had acted strangely.

Yet I stayed
Because of you put a frog into boiling water it will jump out
Yet if you put a frog in warm water and slowly turn up the heat,
It will stay until it dies.

That was our. And every other abusive relationship darling.
You were kind and caring and loved me much
I trusted you and that was my end
For I'm sure if I stayed like I wanted to,
Id be the frog in boiling water

But I'm not,
I'm a survivor
I'm a free woman
I'll always remember you, trust me I will
I'll remember a monster and then my friend
Because your last words to me left lasting impressions
"You were wrong to leave me"
No, darling
I was wrong in not leaving sooner.

People often ask me what love is  

And I seriously don't know what it means

All I can think about is you

Your eyes, those brown eyes

Those eyes which saw me naked  

You saw every scar on my body  

Yet the only thing you said was

“You are beautiful”  

Love, I am not beautiful

Scars, stretch marks, blood, wounds

Doesn't mean beautiful

I am not an art

Yet your lips kissed me

The way the sun kissed my skin every morning

Without a fail, without any doubt

You smiled.  

And the only words that came to my mind was

"****, this is trouble"

My love, your words hold me like a hostage

Trapped inside an empty box, finding a way out.  

A way I can never ever get a glimpse of.

I knew that this love

Our love would last a lifetime  

Or so I thought



We were torn apart by hatreds, insecurities, confusions

Maybe if it wasn't for distance  

We would be still together, we could have worked it out

But maybe, no matter what decisions we'll make

We will still come to an end

Confused about the future

Insecure about other people

Hating each other

You, giving up

And me, craving for more

Craving for something that can fill up the hole inside my chest



I wanted you to stay forever, here beside me

But every time I would ask about it

You always said

"You deserve so much more"

You were once my everything

My other half

My partner in crime  

You were someone so freaking important to me

You were the kind of mistake, I wouldn't mind repeating

I fell so hard for you

And guess what happened?

Love, I am broken



How many days, months, years

For me, to forget

That once upon a time

You were here

I was there

Hands holding tighter

Eyes locked to each other

Hearts that beat in a synchronizing manner  



How much would it cost?

For the pain to stop

For the memories to abandon

For the feelings to fade

My love, I did not expect any of this

I didn't know that love can be deadly

A love that can force someone to commit suicide  

That loving someone means tearing every part of yourself





Now, do you think I'm suicidal?

Love, do not be afraid

I'm not going to die

Being suicidal doesn’t mean killing yourself

Suicidal means I wouldn't mind dying

I kept on dying anyway

I kept on dying at the same place I thought was giving life to me  

Because the day, you decided to give up on me

I already gave up on myself.