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 May 2016 Paramount Pawn
Living is for the happy,
Dying is for the not,
But lying gets us nowhere,
So trying to be happy is like dying on the inside,
Trying to stay afloat in an ocean of depressing things.
It's a poem
 May 2016 Paramount Pawn
I don't know what I'm doing
I don't know what I'm feeling
I don't know where I'm going
I don't know who I'm being
I'm overwhelmed,
I can't cope

These are the slogans
I repeat to myself
Over and over again

Oh yeah

I'm a failure too
I've lived this life
What did I do?
What do I have to
show for it?

These facts about myself
are the one thing
I'm very positive about.

I repeat these slogans
day in and day out
always wondering
what I'm so
depressed about

I bury my head in these sands

choking on anxiety
in my own
advertising slogans
on my private airwaves

To complicate
just because we think something
doesn't make it true
that goes for
self worth too.


watching the passing cars
from a freeway overpass
like our racing thoughts
not holding on
not making them go away,
in peace
letting them
States of mind are transitory, come and go.
Why does my heart keep beating?                                    
**                                          It died long ago...
 Apr 2016 Paramount Pawn
 Apr 2016 Paramount Pawn
Right now, my mind...
Is the proverbial popcorn machine.

Every little thing that bothers me is
likened to a kernel.
And to make popcorn, you need lots...
Bucketloads of kernels.

Dump them all in the machine.
Let them whirl.
They sit layered on top of each other
on the hot bed until...
The spindly metal arms begin to rotate...
Whose sole purpose is to agitate.

Buttered with debilitating insecurities.
Sprinkled with irrational fears.
Heated with erratic temperament.

And here come the arms again.

No one knows when the kernels
are going to cave and rupture.

"Pop!" would go one.
Then another...
And another...
Soon they would all start to explode.
When that happens,
I do too.


I love popcorn.
And I don't like to share.
In you, I trust
but leave you, I must
this is all just too much
you left me with my heart to clutch
My insides tumble
your name, I mumble
You left me like a wreck
and got me like what the heck?
Expectations, *expectations
, expectations
You were supposed to be my inspiration
but all you ever was my expectation
Now leave you, I must
In you, I no longer trust
You broke it with your own hands
for you only show up with demands
I was never a friend to you
because you're only here when YOU feel blue
You kept trying to convince me that it's true
that you actually care
but here I am saying "It's not fair."
because I can't say no to that look on your face
You always change the pace
I guess it's time
I no longer believe that this will ever sublime

Leave you, I must
*In you, I no longer trust
 Mar 2016 Paramount Pawn
It feels just like an updated game
Some feature are new
Guess what I should do
I need to adapt and enjoy it

It looks like the game is less fun
But I believe it is only the beginning
The more I adapt the more fun it is
Yes I lost but I won some as well

Not all features disadvantage me
A few of them benefit me
Maybe you create these new features
But I'm not gonna be played easily

You still control me for now
The more I learn the more ready I am
I will be ready to leave the game
If the next new feature is not updated

*I'll leave the game, not you
 Mar 2016 Paramount Pawn
Do not trust boys
who kiss you in your drive way.
If they can't make it to the front door
there must be something wrong.

I have had many first kisses in my driveway
and every boy that has given me one
has turned out sour.
Do not trust boys who kiss you in your drive way.

If they are too lazy to walk the extra ten feet to your front door
then they are most likely too lazy to walk
the extra mile in a relationship.
Effort is key my friend.

I cannot bare to stand in my driveway.
Memories come flooding in
from this boy and that.
Do not trust boys that kiss you in your driveway.
Trust me on that.
I'd say I'm sad, disenchanted,
uninspired, unmotivated,
****** up, beaten,
tired, depressed,
already dead,
but hah.

I know I'm just *pathetic.
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