i didn't think i'd miss you as much as i do now.
i was just making a playlist and every song reminded me of you.
i started to think about the days that we spent on my bedroom floor.
heads touching,
we reached our hands to the ceiling and it was like every day leading up to This point was supposed to happen.
i was meant to be here,
with you.
the sunlight from my window hit our faces as it went down and
once again, our fingers found themselves to be intertwined.

his name was luis.

i met him when i was in sixth grade, he was in eighth.

the first time we talked was when he apologized for him accidentally bumping into me on the bus after school.
right then, right there,
beautiful.

he had long hair and wore band tees and in my book,
that was everything.

the short smile that he had on his face made me fall deeper.
i swear, i remember my breath being taken away when i first saw him.

love at first sight.

i'm 18 but still not grown enough for this.
i'm not grown enough to call the police when things are scary again.
i'm not grown enough to hold my head up high, holding the world down for my family.

i can't comfort everyone again.
i can't be the rock that you're expecting me to be right now.

that night, i couldn't stop shaking.
i could barely form words to reassure my sister that no, she doesn't need to worry, it's all okay,
it's going to be okay.

the shaking brought me back to the me i was when my parents made my life fall apart for the first time.
i heard from everyone that things like that make you grow up faster than other kids but it was times like these were,
somehow,
i'm still that small, scared, shaking kid.

18 now and 19 later this year,
i'm still a kid.
let me be a kid, a normal kid,
just once.

i can clearly remember the sound of sneaking out the front door,
how i would close my eyes when i very, very slowly shut it,
making it seem like if i squeezed my eyes tighter, there would be no sound.
the fresh air is like no other.
looking up at the streetlight lit sky,
i started to run.
first, down my street
then, down the park trail in my neighborhood.
i kept running,
with tears in my eyes.
these secret hours felt like i was truly Free.
in these hours,
i could be anyone i wanted to be,
i could make a story in my head as to why i'm out here at three in the morning.
i sat on the neighborhood slide as i watched the sun rise.
eyelids getting heavier, i tried with all my might to watch the sky change.

what do i do now?
i felt like banging my head on my desk and told myself,
"moon, why do you have to be so sad all the time?"
i hate that i'm like this.
light is always taken from my eyes and every time we meet eyes,
i always feel like it'll be the last time.
because i truly don't belong here.
i've been saying this for years now and i only speak the truth.
mom,
i never told you about the time that i tried to end my life and woke up the next morning only to act like nothing happened.
dad,
i never told you the reason why i started crying at the store out of nowhere.
it's because i'm tired all the time, dad.
living beats the life out of me.
sister, brother,
i never told you how i locked myself in my room and cried so hard i couldn't breathe.
or the countless times i laid on my back and felt tears silently stream on the sides of my face.
because i'm tired of trying to make this work.

notebooks that were filled with your name and how we used to be and how things ended.
there are days where i miss you.
how i miss the way you held my hand or how you told me you loved me even when i was being stupid.
there are days where i hate you.
hate is a strong word, i know but it's the only word in my limited vocabulary to describe these feelings on these days.
i don't miss how you didn't support me
or told me i could never leave you.
there are days that i remember feeling like i was drowning when i was with you.
it took a lot for me to look you in the eye that day and tell you goodbye.

their faces became so familiar that i started to feel like i've known their face for my whole life,
even before this lifetime.
thank god they're here.
without them,
i wouldn't be here to write
or love.

on break for almost a week already and this is what i've learned and saw:

1. it gets better
2. school ***** and sometimes it's a lie when they say high school are the best years of your life, most of the time they're not and that's okay
3. i like dressing in really loose clothes
4. after i'm done with school, i think things will get better and be better for me

mouth open, i wondered if the tears running down my face was enough to make you want to stay.
"you can't drive right now,
i need you. i need you here
with me
now.
i need you here."
i still remember how your face soften when you saw the way you pushed me into the wall was too hard,
but i still remember how quickly the darkness in your eyes came back.
i didn't care if anyone heard me scream for you,
i just wanted you to hear me.
i needed you there with me.

i close my eyes and see you and hear you.
when they all stop talking and it becomes silent again,
memories of us play again over and over.
seeing you i could swear i felt nothing and that you were just someone else.
but why am i trying so hard to forget you?
why am i so set on becoming someone completely different with a new set of....
everything?
i don't want to forget you.
we brought each other joy and we grew so much with each other until there was nothing left.

i'm never going to forget you and i'm okay with that now.

i kept seeing that eventually i'd have to let go of your hand
and i didn't even want to think about it.
we promised each other to stay in this space together.
i won't let go.

the bus.

the school bus once again.

"is that really him?", i thought looking at him through the mirror in the front of the bus,
trying to not get caught staring.

he looked at me and then i knew,
yes,
yes it was.

beautiful.

and on these nights where my smile just slowly fades and time starts to sink in and slow down like honey,
i'll always go back to that song.
our song.

i feel all alone in this world.
i feel like i could cry for eternities.
nothing made sense anymore.
i couldn't feel my father's love even if he did mean it,
i can't feel it anymore from him.
they don't want me here.
no one wants me here.

my breath hitched as i breathed out sitting here.
they don't care.
they won't care.

my body wasn't here.
i knew what it meant when people said that the body and soul are two different things.
i felt the energy leave my fingertips.
my bed didn't feel like my bed and by the time i knew it,
i was rocking back and forth,
swaying side to side.
i knew what it felt like to be at peace,
for that hour i spend forgetting at cleansing,
i felt whole by myself.
i could see myself entering an aquarium.
tunnel like,
i walked through it,
touching the glass.
pink tinted,
i looked above me and to my left and right.
there were only koi fish.
their colors of red and eggshell white,
swam above me.
i was here and there at the same time.
i felt everything leaving through my fingertips,
all the bad and ugly.
i felt the light of something grow inside me and felt the warmth it gave off.
for this hour,
i felt saved.

i won't be able to make it another year.
two days in and my entire soul and anything alive in me feels like it's been ****** out.
i refuse to let my mental health get bad again.
i can't let myself become the me i was before again.

i dmed him first.
how could i not?

pretending like i forgot,
"hey!! i think we went to school together! my name is _!!"

waiting,
waiting,
waiting,
....
..
"i remember!!! i wanted to say something earlier!"

i'm afraid.
that might be an understatement to the constantly growing size of anxiety and worry in my stomach and mind.
"what are you even scared of? you're only -- years old, you have no reason to be afraid."
but i do!
there are answers to questions asked by parents, teachers, strangers, family, friends,
everyone, everyone is looking for answers that i can't give.
for i thought that living day by day was a good thing.
that's what they taught me,
that's what they all told me to do
but now they've set expectations once it looks like i'm on both my feet.
i'm afraid, mom and dad!!
i stopped planning because i thought i was going to die but i'm here now and i'm completely lost!
so please,
bear with me as i collect my pieces.

you stares down at your hands as if they would bring her back.
i remember vividly how you broke into sobs as you drove us home.
you cut out every picture of her and you wanted to forget.
you used me to forget.
the yelling and the silence between us was torture.
the smaller i felt as you blamed me for her leaving,
for your bad day at work,
for us not having money for food,
for everything.
and i let you.
i let you break me down over and over again
because i knew you needed it.
i knew you needed to let out every emotion for you to see the sun again,
to see your purpose again.
you left me with scars that won't seem to close when i write and memories that i can't forget.

i've outgrown myself many times over the past few years.
i've felt like a snake shedding it's skin,
revealing a new, hopefully better one.
the golden sky above me makes me feel like i have a chance,
like this New Me will last and all the hurt,
all the bad things will just be washed away.
but they aren't.
they follow me and hover over me,
telling me that i will always crawl back to there,
to that horrible and dark place.
i've never faced myself.
i see my inner self as a villain,
as the boss.
facing myself is something i have to do but i don't once what i'd do if i did.
would i finally accept that that isn't me anymore?
people tell me that my soul seems softer and kinder,
but i can't see it,
they can't see the darkness that follows my every footstep.

when i was in middle school, i dated someone older.
not that much older, but older.
he was perfect. i told him everything and told him i loved him.
i made him pictures and gave him a crown.
on good days, he told me loved me too.
on bad days, he told me i wasn't worthy nor wanted.

when i was in high school, still young, i dated someone, my best friend.
friends since middle school, we loved each other.
she supported me and held me.
the more we were together, the meaner she got.
i let it go, every time.
she told me that we weren't meant for this world, that we were not meant for happiness.

when i was in high school, now older, i dated someone who liked me.
i was afraid when he held my hand.
flinched when he handed me his jacket in the cold weather.
i was excited to see him.
he waited for me after school by the main stairs.
i was afraid, afraid that he would turn like they did.

now, i'm talking to someone, not dating,
who calls me late at night when everyone is sleeping.
he likes me with my clothes off and when my breathing gets heavy.
during the day, it's like last night never existed,
like i never existed.
and i let him do it.
because i'm not worthy, or wanted, or meant for happiness, not capable of love even when it's true.

i spent my days and nights contemplating and making lists of reasons i could stay here.
on thursday,
i couldn't lift my head up on the bus ride home.
i didn't want to look outside for nature would make me want to stay,
and i did Not want to stay,
i don't want to stay.
today
i thought and thought and thought.
my lists are empty and all i have now is the longing feeling for things and people are are no longer here

i saw the look on your face that told me you stayed in your bed for hours on end,
doing nothing and everything at the same time.
you sunk into your mattress and the weight of the world was so heavy on your fragile chest that you couldn't even cry.
the day you lived through seemed like a stretch in time that you couldn't hop out of.
putting down your bags used to feel like there was nothing on your shoulders but instead,
it felt like nothing.
you felt like nothing.
you built a home of dead flowers you still watered in your veins,
you couldn't let go and the worry and fear of living in the present consumed you.
who's afraid of the present?
so you stay home,
you believe you're safe because you're home,
but instead,
your "home" becomes everything and you're left jaw dropped and dragged feet through the life you live.

the amount of sleeping pills i would take every night only to force myself to stay awake to feel numb

what am i supposed to do?
what do you want me to do when all i can do is rearrange my room and paint your skies blue
not only to come home with stained hands,
reminding me that i can't make myself as happy as i make you.
what am i supposed to do then?
i've been fighting my demons and eating lunch with them,
i've been doing everything i'm supposed to do
but no matter how friendly they are,

i'll only have peace when i'm gone.
they'll leave when i'm gone.
they won't haunt the hallway leading to my room,
they won't sing songs that sound like nails on a chalkboard to keep me up at night anymore.
what do you want me to do when it's obvious that i'm not wanted here?

i feel like how my father felt every time he came from running away from his mistakes and his garbage,
unwanted,
uneasy,
out of place,
wrong.

so what am i supposed to do?
will arranging flowers and setting up the dining table erase these thoughts?
will painting the house and writing structured words make them think that i am stronger than them?

what do you want me to do?

how could i Not fall for you?
i wish i could hold you again,
or you hold me,
or we hold each other
again.
how did you make the world stop with your warmth?
it made no sense how easily i turned into goo in front of you.
i can't explain it but you know how sometimes music leaves you speechless and wide eyed?
that was me in his presence.
the halo around him and the light that surrounded him was captivating and beautiful.
how could i Not fall for him?

when my door closed, i felt the wave again. the same wave i felt as i drifted off to sleep during the day and the same wave i feel as i go to sleep every night. this wave of sadness and it makes me feel small again.i'm reminded of every reason i'm not enough, reminded of every reason why no one could ever love me.

and i cry. it takes a while to get to my bed but i do it. the tears running down my face and i look at nothing and think of you. you. closing my eyes, it hits me harder. it's hard to breathe now. i sit back and let it take me. i let the wave hit me over and over again, trying to deep breaths, just like how everyone taught me.

it's not enough. because even i slow my breathing, even if the tears stop, it's all still there. i still feel small, i still feel inadequate. and i scan my room like it'll give me answers but the only thing it gifts me is reminders. i can still see these past stained walls through both the sun and moonlight.

eventually, i'll be able to close my eyes without tears slipping from them. and that's when i'll be ready to, hopefully, feel nothing until the sun comes up. if i'm lucky, my dreams will be nothing. if i'm lucky, i'll sleep through my alarms. if i'm lucky, i'll wake up feeling better.

my heart began to beat faster around more people than i could count on my fingers.
i started to feel smaller and seen but in the worst way.
my stomach did turns and i could swear everyone could hear my heavy breathing.
i held my own hand,
in hopes that it would feel like someone elses
and maybe,
just maybe
i could calm down.

an airplane and bird cross paths
the worry and anxious feeling in my stomach grew as the airplane slowly got smaller and disappeared into the grey clouds and how the bird kept flying,
just flying in the other direction.
there was something in me,
something in this moment that felt like this scene broke a string in my life.

walking home,
there was no wind,
there was no one outside.
no sign of moving cars or walking dogs on leashes.
i stood there abruptly,
wondering if this is how it would feel to leave and truly be alone.
in this moment,
time stopped for me and it was the most terrifying thing i've yet to experience.

you keep flying away,
even when you're sober.

where do you go when you fly away?

as you told me your worries and i stood there,
looking like a fool,
looking like someone who hasn't been through anything,
i couldn't speak.
one word responses was all i got and in this moment i wish i had read every self help ever made so i could help you.
i wanted it all to come to me,
the things you were looking for whether it be compliments,
advice,
help,

the cure.

worrying about worries that aren't mind shut everything in my body off and i'm sorry.
i wish all you dealt with was put on my shoulders,
it would break me and wear me down to the bone but i can take it if it meant you never felt this way again.

every thought and way that ran through my brain as to how i could tell you,
how i should tell you.
i wanted to write you a note or letter,
maybe even serenade you,
or take it slow and sit next to you in class,
ask you for a pencil and then everything would just play out.
your hand grazed over mine and i swear that,
in this moment,
the world stopped spinning.
i made you a playlist and my finger has been hovering over the send button.
i don't know how to tell you i like you.

i feel like all i could talk about now was the universes in your eyes and how you were the only person that could convince me to watch an action movie.
i ran to the ends of the world for you and i would gladly live this life all over to do it again.

i closed my eyes tightly before opening them again.
as my eyelids made their way up,
it was revealed that my world was still spinning.
my breathing got heavier and it's strange how something that weighs nothing feels like the weight of the world.
my hand kept writing,
i had to convince myself that i was okay.
it all felt too real.
one moment,
well,
i don't remember how i felt,
but now,
now,
everything feels too Here.
your face and your features are perfectly aligned and i'm afraid of how everyone around me is breathing.
everything was spinning and i could hear your voice but i felt like i couldn't open my mouth.

the words that fall from their tired mouth,
comforting another breakdown.
i can see the frustration fill their face when i tell them i feel like i can't breathe,
when i tell them that it feels like the room we're in is collapsing and how it's all a metaphor for my world.
eventually i have to stop telling them when things get bad,
even though they told me to always come to them when it got bad.
they don't mean it,
they all have good hearts but the sentence
"i'm here if you ever need me."
is a lie.
they don't want to hear the series of events leading up to this point.
who am i to tell them what suffocates me when i can't sleep at night?
i can hear their laughs when i cover my sobs with my hands.
they don't mean it when they say they're here for me.
i can hear the way they sigh silently then so loud that i stop crying and my heart and soul fills with guilt.

they don't mean it when they say they'll be here when i get bad again.

you're just as beautiful as i remember.
you stood there,
rose cheeks,
towering over me,
light,
you,
you,
you.
you and you again.
you held my hands and i felt warm,
falling into your palms then your open chest.

we drove to the sea and i looked at you the whole ride there.
barely talking, i knew that you were still home.
the sea this time was unfamiliar and you were my sea this time,
you became my home.
it's like you always were.

you held me tight and i begged myself to not wake up.
i can't describe the cold and ache in my heart when my eyes opened and they were locked into yours.

will i see you again tonight?

i dream of being free.
of being a bird or finally,
just finally,
be the me who is free.

i dream of letting go and letting my shoulders drop.
of running, not caring of being out of breath.
of closing my eyes and letting my emotions be me.

i let myself feel sad because they told me that it's okay to just feel,
"let it out",
so i did that.
i held my head underwater to feel the pressure in my ears to match the pressure against my heart.
i sat in that red chair and looked at nothing,
listening to brand new,
feeling like every sad movie ending crumbled into one sad person.
a deep breath followed by a sad sigh.
everything is so sad,
sad
sad
sad.

an old friend would tell me that even on my darkest days,
the look in my eyes showed that i still had even at least a small bit of fight left in me.
he would always tell me that but i never believed him,
for when i looked into the mirror,
dark, glossy eyes looked back at me,
eyes that were filled with no hope left,
no fight left.
until now.
i see it.
i see the fight he's talking about.
i see it when i force myself to get up in the morning,
i see it when i speak up and
i see it when i write.

all i wanted was to fall into your arms but looked at me like i was crazy.
my feelings inside grew smaller and it was like i was flicked off the earth for feeling sad.
it wasn't okay, and i was "crazy" for feeling like this,
right?

i looked behind me and you weren't there anymore.
the only thing that was left for me to fall back on when things got too hard,
when my head was too much for me,
was my bedroom wall.
i spent my childhood sitting against it,
looking at my bleeding wrists and wishing that maybe,
just maybe,
if i looked behind me you'd be there.

that's all i wanted.
it was like god took my parents away when i turned 10,
all the love i was supposed to get,
the love that was supposed to hold me and mold me was gone.
how can a 10 year old teach himself all of this?

last night, i fell asleep to your voice.
it echoed and bounced off the walls of my mind as my eyelids got heavier.
it felt like soft flower petals and looked like a comforting light.

it all flashed before my eyes again.
looking at you,
i forgot where i was,
that any of this was real again,
that i was here,
that You were here too.

i think was scares me most is us never meeting again.
even more than the world ending,
even more than never being able to breathe again.
i just want to meet you in every lifetime.

will you meet me here again?

i stared at you as you changed the night sky to the morning sky.
i felt your heartbeat pulsate through my entire body.
you're beautiful
but so far away.
i can see your hands reaching for me as the morning wind blows in my face
and i'll gladly accept them with my open heart.
you're angelic.
i close my eyes and see us,
smiling,
Alive.
you're ethereal.
we're alive.

he turned to me like everything came back to him again.
"i remembered your voice."
i haven't heard yours since i was 10 but i still remember the softness of your hands and ** you looked at everything will an expression that might as well be the textbook definition of gentleness.
i remember the drawings you gave me the day i left, you told my dad that although i was young,
i already knew who i wanted to be.
i didn't know what you meant then but after everything that's happened,
i do now.

it made no sense at all.
why did i care so much about things that shouldn't matter and don't exist at all?
why do i do this to myself?
what's wrong with me and why does it not want me alive?
sitting in these classroom chairs,
i don't know if i can make it.
i can't seem to see how or where i'll turn out.
what am i doing here?

sixteen,
one six,
that's how old you were when you left us.
you didn't get to walk the stage with us,
or propose to your high school sweetheart.
you were sixteen.

and it slowly began to less be about being someone but being
Me.
because that's end goal for me.
i want to be Me,
always.
i wanted to paint and write and love,
just ******* love everything and everyone because that is
Me.
i am a physical embodiment of what love is.
i am creative and beautiful and no,
no, i'm not useless or disposable.
i am meant to be here.
i was made to love and be loved.
i was made to create and to be heard and to listen.
now,
it isn't about getting you to read between the lines of my words,
it's about sharing my peaceful pain and tears of joy.