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Olga Valerevna Jul 2019
if I could distract you with silence
would I have more power than you?
if I could recount all your follies
would you even know what to do?
if I could become what your vice is
would you have a beat in your heart?
if I could convince you you’re living
would you even know who you are?
if I could throw stones at your language
would you even speak once again?
if I gave all that you wanted
would you dare to challenge my friends?
if I made it seem like I’m perfect
would you still go seeking The Truth?
if I gave you all of my knowledge
would you give me all of your youth?
“Тогда Иисус возведен был Духом в пустыню, для искушения от диавола, и, постившись сорок дней и сорок ночей, напоследок взалкал.”
‭‭От Матфея‬ ‭4:1-2‬ ‭
Olga Valerevna Jan 2018
my lungs are on fire
my head is awake
my heart has been wading
and silently breaks
my breaths getting shorter
my thoughts growing weak
my feelings surrender
to what I can’t see
I blink at the people
and then I look up
I want to be with You
to learn how to Love
I hope to be water
returned to the sky
like a droplet of rain
falling back in Your eye
Olga Valerevna Mar 2014
it
happened in september, i remember it so well
a day inside the life of someone going back to hell
but what could you have possibly forgotten to forget

to process in your memory as something you'd reset
for on the day you let it in your tracks were made anew

the very ones you worked so hard to gradually remove
and now the square you're sitting in is labeled with a one
the mind you dress with heaviness you beg to be
*undone
memory lane can bring memory pain
Olga Valerevna Nov 2012
all of the things you brought out of me
shouldn't have left their first home
a stone that was buried under the sea
floats to the surface - atoned

every confession rolls like a wave
crashing itself into veins
of bodies inside the watery cave
shallowly rendering stains

trade me your drink, i'll pass you my wine
sip what you can and let go
the chalice will break and bind you the time
needed to capture the flow

hold out your hands and see what they caught
diluted versions of me
which of us found what they had sought
which of us lost reality
Olga Valerevna Oct 2014
I watch the sky make a home for the sun every day
Still I've to wonder if it's anything like they say
Warm shades of blue paint the rooms with the heat they contain
One coat too subtle a second is needed to stain
I'm going somewhere with this if you don't understand
What does it mean if your castle is burning the sand
Maybe you built it on ground that was changing like you
Maybe the sky and the sun will uncover the truth
Where are you going when you remember your home?
Olga Valerevna Apr 2013
Buried deep beneath the skin of mother nature's frame
I saw the back of someone else, a boy beside his name
But when I tried to touch his face he turned himself away
And then began to utter things he thought he couldn't say
In coughing up the cloud of smoke like dust inside his throat
The boy was finding clarity with every word he spoke
A subtle breeze upon his lips had driven out the fear
Of shedding all the strata that created his veneer
for those who may or may not understand
Olga Valerevna Aug 2013
These sticks and stones are made of bones for I am of the earth
And everything I ever throw was welcomed at my birth
I will not speak with tired tongue, these matters will not sleep
But be there some hypocrisy, my words will swallow me
And if they do I'll make them choke until I'm fully gone
The louder parts I'll lodge inside, they'll hurt to drag along
Consider it necessity, a claim I chose to make
I'll justify with every breath, I'll bend until I break
My memory will suffocate as both my lungs collapse
From bone to ash to earth again, I'll live again perhaps
The choking game.
Olga Valerevna Nov 2015
...
the positives, the negatives, the everything at once
I seek you in my solitude and all of what there was
I cannot even see you like the other people do
And there is room for clarity when no one else is you
The highs, the lows, the in-betweens - they wreck, undo, restore
And recognize, without a doubt, the claims we made before
I knew I'd come to find it, this devotion I'd misplaced
And here it is in front of me on someone else's face
we are somebody else's
Olga Valerevna Nov 2013
I don't know what you are to me or what I am to you
But in the eyes of everything we watch each other move
The world has gone around our heads and taken us along
And even through the bluer days I feel you in my palm
The morrow come and then the next and time is all we have
Take rest upon its pendulum and hear the hours pass
For nature's ways are patient, an example to us both
The smallest seed within us bares a tree so let it *grow
a metasequoia
Olga Valerevna Dec 2013
And so the world will spin inside a mind it never knew
To fill it up with earth and bone and even me and you
The speed of light above it all has noted every name
And used the dust of starry space as ink it wants to lay
I see the budding fingertips let go their feather pens
And rest upon the very heads of fever stricken men
The rain has come in many forms to offer some reprieve
But even now can only reach the ones who do not leave
The backs of those who walk away have turned into the mud
A looser kind of figurine devoid of human blood
Olga Valerevna Jul 2013
.i'm writing to say i don't know what to say
..i'm hoping my scribbles make sense anyway
...the lines on the page have been warped many times
....because of the blotting from ink that won't dry
.....the mess that i've made with both of my hands
......reflects every part of the life i command
.......meticulous reader I hope that you find
........the leftover words in the back of my mind
.........i'm losing my grip and my energy's low
..........so take up the pen and put down what you know
Olga Valerevna Oct 2013
People are falling all over the place
Searching their minds for an intimate space
When did the timing lead up to this point
Short intermissions we wasted, disjoint
Scattered our logic to keep what remains
The incomprehensible parts of our brains
Calloused completely in every way
Wanting to speak but we've nothing to say
Where is the portal through which I can climb
Will it give me entry back into my mind
People are falling and now I am too
I went off the edge when I walked into *you
title taken from/inspired by Oceana's (now Polyenso) collaboration with The Undesigned
Olga Valerevna Dec 2012
The fruits of what you planted here are rotting in my
mind
And every day I lock the doors and leave it all
behind
I'm looking for a fire that will **** the rancid
fume
But as for now I'll rectify in ink and through a
plume
Injustice reigns in all you do, oh planter of these
seeds
I've felt you water parts of me with hotly boiled
deeds
You've burned me more than I can say or memory can
claim
And how I can be of your flesh should drive me half
insane
Instead I balance what I know with what I've seen you
do
Let clarity prepare a way to purge what's left of
you
I'm almost there, I sense it now, the last I'll use this
key
For I have found the other room you tried to hide from
me
So take your place inside yourself and I will walk
away
And harbor neither hatred nor the curses you could
lay
I'm breathing now, I've filled my lungs with freshly seasoned
air
I'm entering with both feet in, a newly painted
lair
From the perspective of a boy writing to his father.
Olga Valerevna Mar 2017
I'm somewhere in the silence where the calm can plant its feet  
in quiet conversations carried far beyond the sea
so high above the foam of every single crashing wave
come meet Me in the air so I can take your breath away
I'll give you something holy, free of charge and full of hope
I'll pay your every debt and give you rest inside My Home
don't hesitate to ask where I am coming from or why
I'll lay My human down for yours, I'll do it every time
"Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends." John 15:13
Olga Valerevna Jan 2018
you have to pay attention love, you have to mind your words
you have to keep your tongue alive and never let it burn
your darkest days will beg you, light a fire, let it blaze
but if you can’t contain it you will die within its flames
the flesh is but a mantle for a soul we cannot see
a way for us to cover or expose what’s underneath
my hope is that you’re eager to be honest when you speak
to never hide a single thing from anyone you meet
Olga Valerevna Jan 2014
I think I left a part of me in someone else's hands
I'm counting on my memory to tell me where I am
But what if all the tracks I laid begin to disappear
Will anybody know the way that gets me out of here
I hear the train inside my head delivering the news
Your sense of rationality was beaten black and blue
Suppose there be a remedy for every kind of pain
Or I could simply use a mask to hide it all the same
I wonder if I'd recognize the face I used to see
My home is not the place I had believed it once to be
Olga Valerevna Mar 2016
I've thought about the future ever since I understood
that I could walk with purpose in the shadow of the good
And when I wasn't looking I would fall into a trap
but everyone who knew me knew that I was coming back
I may have been unfolded and divided into three
But every part together is the whole of what is me
I'm talking to myself as much as I have talked to you
I won't be too upset if you don't see the way I do
I've been here long enough to watch a dream become a wake
A state of adaptation I can keep or try to change
I met my little self again and there I was in awe
I thought she wouldn't know me but my goodness was I wrong
you are always you
Olga Valerevna Jun 2013
Her eyelids lock like gates upon the home behind her eyes
And in her quiet dream's estate she wanders through the vines
The hands she has contain the marks of every single thorn
That one by one began to grow the moment she was born
And as the blood continues down to cover both her arms
She feels the cruor like a seal obstructing all that harms
Her flesh has been a canvas for the painting brush of time
A work completely visible when she unlocks her eyes
Olga Valerevna Apr 2013
I couldn't see the world the night I saw your face instead
And somehow came to memorize the places in your head
You must've known these very roads would pave their way to me
Or at the very least prepared for time to let it be
So as the skies that you have kept awaken with the sun
The light reflected in your eyes will render me undone
We are strangers no more.
Olga Valerevna Feb 2015
you and I are made of something breakable and small
Reduced to what the masses say they cannot see at all
But when I let you in to me you're bigger than myself
You take up all the space I couldn't give to someone else
And down we go together - deeper faster, slower still
Remembering the moments we unraveled at our will
And all it took was one of us to make a move that day
Now look at where it's gotten us, we've fallen all the way
I still remember the day I fell for you.
Olga Valerevna Mar 2015
i used to toy with memories like children play a game
and let myself believe i wouldn't make it through the day
the sun would tell me differently, the moon would have me speak
and everything I couldn't say would shut my mouth for me
i put too many yesterdays beneath a bitter tongue
i conjured up the heaviness of all that i had done
without a sense of rationale i'd put myself to bed
and crawl into the corners that existed in my head
they're not like i remembered and i must've grown too tall
i can't believe i ever thought i knew myself at all
i know when i don't know me
Olga Valerevna Jan 2019
I think about the Loyalty a heart was born to have
to beat for what is Bolder than the passions of your hands
to hold onto a Message written somewhere on your veins
so you can sing to rhythms you are learning more each day
your Life is but a song the heart has sealed within its blood
so let it pour upon a world in dire need of Love
«И если я раздам все имение мое и отдам тело мое на сожжение, а любви не имею, нет мне в том никакой пользы. Любовь долготерпит, милосердствует, любовь не завидует, любовь не превозносится, не гордится, не бесчинствует, не ищет своего, не раздражается, не мыслит зла, не радуется неправде, а сорадуется истине; все покрывает, всему верит, всего надеется, все переносит. Любовь никогда не перестает, хотя и пророчества прекратятся, и языки умолкнут, и знание упразднится.»
‭‭Первое послание к Коринфянам‬ ‭13:3-8‬ ‭
Olga Valerevna Aug 2012
The wall went up some time ago
a canvas it became
And painted on each empty space
were remnants of a name

With hues of green and indigo
the background disappeared
But I could see the slightest trace
of eyes that never feared

I stared a while and didn't blink
I wanted to compare
The weakest strokes in every line
so I could be unfair

The lesson here, I start to think
is nothing worth a price
A jealousy that fills the spine
and turns into a vice

A house is built around the wall
but how long will it stand?
The rooftop bends like flimsy boards
held with a rubber band

The day that it begins to fall
I'll stack up all the cards
And then the painted eyes it hoards
no longer will be guards
Olga Valerevna Jul 2013
There is a blessing that I cannot give
I fear if you take it I'll no longer live
I've gotten so close to releasing it still
Knowing i'd vanish once you got your fill
But all of the anger has bled from my bones
And love will restore what my body condones
The moment is here and delaying can wait
Surrender my words before it is too late
My mother's words ring true: manage peace.
Olga Valerevna Jan 2018
my head can be crazy, my head can be sane
my head can be home to the worst kind of pain
the kind that revisits - unwelcome, unkind
belittle the days that were good to your mind
it leaks into dreams so to make of you less
attacks you at night when you’re trying to rest
but this is what’s crazy and this is what’s sane
your mind is an altar, a product of pain
the kind that will knock ‘fore it opens the door
acknowledge the body that lies on the floor
the kind that shows empathy for you and me
erases the days we could never be free
mothers, daughters
Olga Valerevna Mar 2015
who is it that speaks to you when no one is around
when nothing in the world could ever satisfy a sound
it could be that a single word has lived inside of you
and hid itself from everything, protecting what is true  
we pull ourselves together by ignoring who we are
and look at all the faces we have worn to get this far
but don't you know what happens when you see yourself again
your character remembers who you are when you pretend
it may have taken longer for your senses to respond
than you could e'rve imagined it, the thought of holding on
the only things that matter now be clarity and time
you're given just enough of both to put away your pride
love
Olga Valerevna Sep 2017
if I could be water I'd fall over stones
I'd move like a shadow without any bones
I'd feed into rivers that come from the sky
and cradle the stars as they learn how to shine
I'd sing to the moon so the ocean could hear
and move its whole body without any fear
the tides would be perfect and gracefully made
the sun would be honored in every day
if I could be water I'd know how to be
a slave to the motions set finally free
growth.
Olga Valerevna Jun 2013
He doesn't sleep and cannot speak
His eyes are shot, his breath is weak
The time surpassed him long ago
And even this he did not know
But there is something in his hand
It's not a ring or talisman
A faithful pulse, his beat of course
It's rather slow and losing force
Yet when he focuses his mind
He sees the things he could not find
Apart from him, away and far
The pinnacle of who we are
A birds eye view is just enough
To give him rest 'til he wakes up
There are five in my family.
Olga Valerevna Nov 2015
Remembering the days I didn't have you in my life
is something of a struggle and a game unto my sight
My rapid moving eyes can see until the lids are closed
and everything that happens then is etched into my bones
But what about the pen that wrote your name so many times
along the very person I am being in my mind
I want another hand to wrap its fingers in my own
to tell me I am present and will never be alone
I thought I would have heard it but perhaps I wait in vain
your silence is a phantom that once danced around my brain
you appear to disappear
Olga Valerevna Oct 2015
if you look into a person
and ask to see their soul
they may not grant you access
but if they do, you'll know

the act of being earnest
will frame the way you ask
and if you are intrusive
you'll never stand a chance

my mother often told me
don't plan the words to say
but give them to The Maker
and trust them all away


you were not born to live there
in other peoples' minds
so wake with only purpose
to see with eyes of time  

let's gather up the curses
and scatter them to death

replace them with the beauty
in every single breath

in faith I find the meekness
to bring these words to life
let anyone who hears them
sleep soundly through the night
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Olga Valerevna Mar 2015
have I not seen you in so long
i had a dream but   you were gone
in waking up                   again today
i searched my heart      to find your face
will I have light                     enough to see
or will the day                               be night to me
i want so much                                         to let you in
to show you everywhere                       i’ve been
the whole is me              when i am yours
the door unlocks, the oil pours
Luke 11:35-36
Olga Valerevna Jul 2015
I layed beneath the summer sky
I took a breath, let out a sigh
And words from somewhere in my mouth
Released themselves into the clouds
I felt the dark upon my skin
Came there to try to settle in
With every limb I sought to be
Apart from what it did to me
I held my Spirit in my hands
It gently helped me understand
What I'd been seeking in my mind
Was everything I'd compromised
To smother light and hide my home
Had put me out where nothing glows
A single moment changed the way
I look at everything today
But just as I began to sink
I muttered words that turned to ink
The pen was never mine to hold
I gave it up and let it go
one terrible nightmare later
Olga Valerevna Sep 2015
I want to hear the voices you have harbored in your head
the very ones you talk to when the rest in you is dead
When sleeplessness's symptoms are the ones you want to share
with someone else's sorrows and the thoughts you cannot bear
But why is it so common for such things to fall apart
to make you then believe you could've never had a heart
I want to say the real is something different than we see
the cruelest of intentions we can lose upon our knees
And if you make the effort to unravel what was lost
you'll find the kind of solace you can place upon a cross  
Misunderstand the meaning and the battle is no more
you're left with only weakness that will drag you on the floor
II Corinthians 12:9
Olga Valerevna Jul 2013
Where is any sanity the world told me it had
For everywhere I look I see the creatures going mad
It must be in the water and the air that we all breathe
A kind of animosity that never takes reprieve
To linger there inside is the way for it feed
The appetite of villains who consume your every deed
Protection can be offered but it is not what it seems
An optical illusion that unravels in your dreams
But when they make you restless, the monsters in your head
Insomnia will settle on the weightiness of dread
And under all the pressure every body will retire
Dissevered by the senses and returned into the mire
title taken from Jealousy Curve's,"The world is you"
Olga Valerevna Oct 2015
What if November is different this year
and all of the pain in your eyes disappears
something about it seems possible now
the past comes to reckon the sorrow somehow
And all that once was is becoming the seed
to what we've been growing inside of our need
Like futile devices that anchored our souls
the only way out was to simply let go
The troubles that followed us into our thoughts
have nowhere to live when our bodies are not
title and inspiration taken from Sufjan Stevens', "Futile Devices"
Olga Valerevna Sep 2012
I put to rest my spirit and let it fall asleep
and into dreams I stepped with ease, my life began to seep
passing through my fingers like water through a net
I felt it slip away from me and gradually forget
as memories became me, I travelled further on
and distance seemed to hide itself so I could be its pawn
destination: nowhere, relative to lost
kept inside a journal inked with all the paths I crossed
I find myself a corner, a quiet place to read
and let the words turn every page by sprouting from their seed
my journey hasn't ended, forever it will last
but I know my encrypted map is locked within my past
awakened from my slumber, I take up what is mine
the body I was covered in for purposes divine
I'm telling you my story, the only thing I know
a testimony brought to life by every single 'no'
Olga Valerevna Apr 2016
I pulled myself together right before I fell apart
and in my darkest moment I began to break your heart
Forget where I was going, it's a shadow in the past
and what I keep repeating has no place in what we had
I wish you would've noticed I was never really yours
Instead of just insisting I was wrong to close the doors
I want to be forever not a token of the false
but if we stick together we will never be the salt
I'm tired of being seasons that exist between the cracks
and struggle with a conscience that is never coming back
I'll spit your spit in poems, I won't swallow them today
I've waited all my life for there to be another day
not tonight, we are off tonight
Olga Valerevna Oct 2012
All I have to feed me now are plates of empty words
worse than any taste I've known, unsuitable for birds

With my hands I shovel in the sustenance I need
but quite the opposite it does, internally I bleed

Worlds of love and unmasked hate begin war in my eyes
and every time I close them I can see things I despise
 
So I ask you, tell me now - when did you last eat?
let me give you what I made, come and take a seat
Olga Valerevna May 2015
i carried you in heavy thoughts
and put your bones inside a box
i say all this to say what's true:
our bodies die before we do
i trust that even though we age
the time we have will set the stage
for when our minds take up their flight
to see the sun and touch its light
the weight of you inside my head
will turn to ash's heat instead
and only warmth will then remain
our souls alive, our bodies slain
Philippians 1:21
Olga Valerevna Sep 2012
Everybody here is just the same
Looking for a way to play this game
Trying to perpetuate their name
Daft inside, appearing to be tame

Splitting at the seam of their own hands
Becoming slaves to all of their demands
It seems as though everyone here stands
But unveiled minds reveal the distant lands

If I speak out, they won't hear anything
So underneath a whisper I will sing
The notes, I hope, may offer them a string
And carry on the tune I wish to bring

My eyes begin to close like heavy gates
I fall into a slumber with their fates
And as I travel on my dream creates
A being juxtaposed against its *hates
Olga Valerevna Jan 2013
I want to find a pair of wings before I  float away
'Cause flying gives you more control so you can leave or stay
But every time I try to search I step on shallow ground
And thus the journeys I take on are all the more profound
I scribble down with shaking hands the places that I've seen
And hope that any details missed can fill the in between
I've come to know this dusty road is longer than it seems
But facts are only relative to poorly written schemes
It's only when my balance slips that I become attuned
And fully comprehend my state, to lies and death immune
Enveloped in a cloud of fog, I've made it past the shore
Of everything I left behind to float away once more
Olga Valerevna May 2015
I sent you out a servant to the sadness in your eyes
Thought there would be the teacher you would learn to recognize
And even as I watched you break a thousand times in two
I left it up to lessons taught to show you what to do
I stored our conversations in the corners of your heart
And buried them in soil that will never fall apart
And should you need to reach me when you stand upon that ground
I'll walk with you again so you can tell me what you've found
For there beside your footprints are the slightest hints of mine
My Faith once had the daughter I've  been keeping all this time
I am my mother's daughter and her father's poet child
Olga Valerevna Jan 2013
There's nothing so unnerving that turns my stomach more
Than insults to the purpose that you were crafted for


Believing you are useless and letting that sink in
Penetrates much more than just the layers of your skin  


The thoughts that slept inside you were shaken from their sleep
And moved at the commandment you uttered through your teeth


So now they walk before you, directing every step
Gathering the people that swallow up your breath


Soon there'll be an army that marches on in lines
Connected at the tailbone, the bases of their spines


The coma they'd evaded was one that they induced
A spirit that convinced them that they were mass produced
Olga Valerevna Jun 2020
my days have been numbered, my Soul has been bought
by all of the blood I could spill with my thoughts
and there is a Savior where ego once lived
Who grants me His Strength as I learn how to give
my mind was a riot, my heart was a stone
that turned into ashes and Rose when He Rose
a looter, a liar and addict of wrath
was given The Grace to be led to His Path
“Ищите Господа, когда можно найти Его; призывайте Его, когда Он близко. Да оставит нечестивый путь свой и беззаконник — помыслы свои, и да обратится к Господу, и Он помилует его, и к Богу нашему, ибо Он многомилостив.”
‭‭Книга пророка Исаии‬ ‭55:6-7‬
Olga Valerevna Jun 2015
How do I express this without taking it too far
I'll lend you both my eyes so I can show you what you are
We'll put our feet in places where the sun is always ours
And lay beneath the open sky to watch it fill with stars
The air that I am breathing through the lungs that you provide
Is something like the lightest breeze I want to keep inside
I'll listen to your stories as the melodies unfold
And put them in my pockets, they'll continue being told
Remember where you're going let me follow while I can
I'll meet you on the other side of everywhere I am
finding your happy place
Olga Valerevna Jul 2013
When everything that's tangible distracts your lonely head
And weaves you like a tapestry on someone else's thread
...
You'll find that the embroidery will never seem to match
Designs that were original, the bias is the catch
...
What was in the distance transformed when you got close
And yet you tried to view it as something less morose
...
Possessive with your senses, especially your sight
You caught the kind of blindness that gives itself the right
...
To walk around the edges, periphery askew
And look to aberrations to tell you what to do
Olga Valerevna Nov 2012
the long grass tickles my back as we lay beneath the sun's warm blanket
in this place, who I am and what we are become one and the same if we just let

let's play here together
please stay near forever

because I need you, see, like these fields need the rain
put your roots in my ground and we'll harvest the grain
A lover's poem I guess.
Title taken from a song by The Dear Hunter
Olga Valerevna May 2015
I need some rest I need to sleep
but all I do is count the sheep
a hundred more I'm still awake
My eyes withdrawn my mouth agape
So when will I forget to breathe
The way you did inside of me
I want to dream and travel far
Away from everything you are    
'cause where I go you cannot come
you'll not survive where i am from
The world is made of what we feel
So stop pretending this is real
You never were, I never was
The lie we made is both of us
a broad classification of sleeping disorders that make it difficult to get to sleep, or to remain sleeping
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