everything hurts
but not in the sad way you think
everything hurts because nothing wonderful is curated without a little bit of pain
the pain is the fuel which leads you to light
or maybe that’s all my life has ever been
a journey back to heaven
i always mix up anxiety and adrenaline
everyday is another day i can’t believe i made
i was born a melody but life transitioned me into a serenade
love is the only thing that overcomes the pain
i live for glimpses of it
it passes through fast like the sparkles when the sun hits the sea
and in those moments i feel free
the warmth i felt for all the times my heart sang
it hurts to use my senses at times
i ache and i cry
but i know bliss will soon tell me why
a kiss for today, and a kiss for forever
for now i love the universe until he tells me it’s time

two visions collide
your hand in mine
you asked if you could see me
end of the night
going against time
frozen gaze
our touch escalates
i asked you to kiss me
you asked if you could please me
prayer hands tattooed on your neck
i caressed with no regrets
now i’m on my knees as if i’m praying
but instead you receive
i see you in my dreams
you cradled my face and reminded me i was beautiful
fusion
optical conclusions
it’s crystal from this point on
maybe this won’t last
but for now it’s not gone
residue from you tattooed on my soul
it helped me to bloom
you’re etched in my imagination
blue hues always lead me to you
it feels electric
my heart beats for you
for now anyway

instead of being intertwined we’re the farthest we’ve ever been
i chose to look within
you always chose the life of sin
i stopped trying to be perfect and had to partake
i too wanna eat and have my cake
what was once golden has turned to rust
i understand why they say nothing lasts forever
cause everything is so mother ******* fallible
i had no choice but to pick up the pieces all by my lonesome and gained confidence with each step and each breath
what once felt heavy is now being forgotten
oh how lovely life can be when you forget
thank you for breaking my heart because i would’ve never had the strength to let you go
each event which you performed against me pushed me further and further away
from the love i kept in my heart for you
it seems to have disappeared and i can’t find it these days
i still believe in love
i still feel the warmth and always hope for the best
life is just a test
it’s sifting and then we’re blessed
this will be the last poem i ever write about you
i might’ve misconstrued the motion
i promise to write about a new love from here on out
just disregard this notion

if i could go back to that day…. i would
not to captive your smile or remember what you first said to me
by now you’re dead to me
if i could go back, i would hold the hands of time tight
memorize each tick
expose some more light
i would look you in the eyes with your hands ready to receive
and ignore your existence
possibly make you bleed
i can just imagine how free i would be
if i could go back i would’ve never given you the time of day
i gave it like a gift so freely and without dismay
i wish i could go back and ****** it from your hands
my heart, my time and everything in between which continued to stand
someday my heart won’t feel so heavy from regret
everyday it feels like a reset
metamorphosis amongst the pain
i’m keeping sunshine on my brain
i take everything in stride cause it’ll come full circle
someday that love i gave will come back
i find my peace in that

swallowed by the night
i forgot to say it was good
i’ve been searching for myself
but who i once was is dead
sometimes she cries out from the ashes of my memories
i gotta let her burn
let the world turn
she’ll always have a friend in me
time passes so fast and each moment i learned to cherish because the end is inevitable
everything in hindsight will soon be forgotten
hidden in a trance
i’ll save the last dance for when love finally understands
my wounds yearn for relief
a gentle caress filled with genuineness
i’ve felt the universes kiss before
on my wrists and on my lips
don’t tell me when it’s over
just tap me on the shoulder and wave goodbye
life has always been a “let’s try another time”
hide behind the hours chimes
in the night i forfeit my will to cry
help me find the reasons why my hands can’t grasp the hour glass as before
i watch the specks hit their doom
it’s always a constant rhythm that puts us in a better room
life hasn’t beat me yet
but time has something up its sleeve
as long as i dream a little dream
they can’t catch me

i tried to tell the time
but he said he wasn’t mine
there’s a fine line between lust and love
i think it’s silver lined  
at times triggers can be unkind
but i out talk the thoughts that lead me to you
we can’t go back and change the pictures that we drew
time is merely a concept
but what else have we to measure our experiences by?
the lies we tried to hide and the smiles we tried to keep tucked inside
time is like the wind and we can’t see what it may do
but one day we’ll see how everything is different
all the things which we’ve perceived will equal up to the things we outgrew
the days pass by within a blink
and things change without the time to think
time is but a man made construct
but if we treat time as though it won’t pass by
we’ll be left with broken answers and pockets full of why
as i get older i cherish every moment
even if it’s not the sweetest second of bliss
i’ll look back and remember i conquered the unimaginable
then life and death will kiss

empty minded
i feel bombarded
reality doesn’t feel real
what did i miss?
it all feels like one big gap
is this really the aftermath?
forced anger causes amnesia
hating you seemed like a better idea at the moment
i thought i was immune to the past
and now every day that passes, i see you in the cracks
i tried to bury it deep
i gave it to the forgotten to have for keeps
my memory it seeps  
into the depths which set me apart
from unraveling
i’m traveling and moving along
your ghost follows me like the wind
each thought of you feels like a sin
i never thought about the world without you
i did it for a while
but to continue on?
it seems a little hard to grasp
i’m trying to find the words to say
i’m hoping we cross paths along the way
i tell myself to let it go
anything worth having is free flow
memories of you while i’m in a cocoon
distant lullabies
and the luminous moon
remind me of the nights well spent
we were both bent but also in love
i don’t want this push to coexist with another shove
maybe i’m just tired
i’ve been tired for a while now
counting the laughs
counting the tracks
i hope you make it back
our journeys parted
but we’re back to where we started
longing for each other as we always do
hello again
maybe we can be friends?

it was finally here staring at me
the opposite of oblivion
it smiled and said “i told you so”
the light
the light at the end.... though i know i have more to travel
i can’t help but appreciate every single thing up until now
nothing is perfect but it’s finally worth it
i’ve never felt the calmness so clear
it resonates with me in each sunset, each breath, and smile
it’s my motivation when all i have left are miles
i used to think i couldn’t go on
but life has showed me being courageous has its perks
i’ve grown from the dirt where they left me for dead
my petals are finally unraveling
the moonlight shines different than the sun when you’re not consumed
life was once a tragedy
now i can take a deep breath and genuinely express gratitude
the arrival came a few days ago
it’s there everywhere i turn
reminding me that i finally made it

pride and self love, they’re similar aren’t they?
except one has a little more ego than the other

help me to believe in love again
help me to accept the idea that your heart can burn for someone
it can leave you feeling like the ground is the sky and i can’t be without it
these days i’d rather be alone
and i find comfort in the inevitable
but maybe that’s the greatest love i have ever known
loving myself enough to let myself grow

resonance...
i feel it in my bones
do you feel it in your soul?
i’m detoxing from a nightmare that happened in a moment that no longer exists
when i experience bliss i make sure to loosen fists
the other part of me that i held dear for so long is fading along with the rest of our song
i’ll be gone before dawn
i’ve transitioned into the queen and you’re still playing as a pawn
i only let certain dates resonate
and i’ll reciprocate the conversation
i’ll look you in the eyes and smile and tell you everything that comes to mind
happiness refined
i can always tell when they’re falling in love cause they don’t ever want leave
i like to make you laugh
as we seep into the cracks
reality becomes something i’ve never seen before
i’ve become an anchor to silver linings
and i live life making sure you can’t find me
i’m trying to contain the love that wants to overflow in the spots i seal so tightly
cause i promise that with just one kiss
i can’t make you forget me

it’s only a matter of time
until this second collapses into the next
an unknown abyss peaks it’s way into the intricacy we all measure
it was my pleasure to bestow it on to you
my vision is captured when the light is leaking through
somedays i wish i could turn back the clock
some days i wish i could make it stop
but majority of my days i sit here in gratitude
because i never thought i’d make it this far
the world at large in my backyard
i stare at the fickle waves and sway with their motions
i realize who i’ve become i’ve grown a shell of patience thicker than the ocean
i’ve learned to cradle the unknown and coax it gently and sing it to sleep
i have everything i ever needed and i know that’s enough to feel free
i don’t know why emptiness still tugs at me
it’s temporary like the phases of the moon
so i stay hopeful and steer clear of the preconceived doom
i’ll draw my name in the sand every time i flash a smile toward the open sea
it’s always been the little
things that made my heart feel like it wants to bleed
empty your pockets and dismantle the creed
fill your eyes with all the lips which mouthed they were sorry
i’m always gonna say i’m fine because i was built to coincide
it’s only a matter of time until all that’s left is my atoms
i’m the type of star catcher nobody can seem to fathom
it’s all an illusion anyway
it only matters if you let it

i remember the night it was supposed to snow
you called me on the phone
and we stayed up all night exchanging our thoughts as we waited for the first flake to drop
some nights i miss your voice and the times you’d call me in the middle of the night drunk at a bar just to see how i was doing
i could smell the liquor through the phone
i wish i’d let you kiss me that night but for some reason i didn’t let you
we drove all around in the night and i showed you my old house where i lived for not too long
you kept trying to make me laugh so you wouldn’t come off too strong
you told me about how your brother died
and i tried you keep you from crying
you kept grasping my fingers when silence fell in my car windows and started every sentence with my name
we went back and forth about the tragedies in our lives but didn’t play the blame game
we smoked a little bit and i parked my car not too far from where you slept
i wonder if that night is something that you kept
not with you always but from time to time
you kissed my cheek goodnight and called me the next morning
i can’t say i miss you
i wish we could’ve stayed friends
i think i should apologize
it’s always good to make amends
or maybe not
farewell urban

i used to hate my eyes
because all of the tears i let them cry
now i look at my chocolate pools of wonder
and see myself in the ones i love
i used to not be able to look people in the eyes
fearful of the second that they might figure me out
but i’m a lifelong mystery that i have yet to crack
so i stare into the eyes of strangers until they become intimated
when the sunlight hits just right
i promise they turn into a *** of gold
can you see my soul?
behold, i got love for everyone who’s ever admired my eyes
windows to the soul make you enter a new paradigm
and i got time
my eyes have this habit of making you fall in love with me
you might wanna close them for the mean time
the underlying of my iris has memories from many moons ago
i know i’m kinda eerie after four beers
unless you wanna get out of here?
then i can be sweet
but i promise i won’t sweep you off your feet
i’m retired
they say not to play with fire but i’m a fire sign
so ill burn until there’s no more rhymes
i’m a catalyst for your pain
she won’t ever make you feel free
my eyes they’ve seen many lives
they reflect my soul in the ways i create
that’s something only a few of us can relate to
some of us see bright but still end up blind

there’s a calm in the air, in the water, in my heart
the skies no longer rub off and make me blue
it only feeds me truth
it’s better than it once was
my blood is more unapologetic and my eyes they wander
i’m walking through the gravel barefoot and it eventually turns to snow
in my mind you stand in front of me and i’m asking “what else do you want to know?”
i awake and my breathing releases calm
the anxiety has ceased and it no longer shows itself by the dawn

my car broke down
and it made me think of how everything breaks and loses its place
only to be replaced
maybe that’s why it bothered me so much
i took it as a life lesson
but it still didn’t lessen the load
stress on my mind
anxiety for breakfast
i know it gets better from here
i always tell myself that anyway
all the old things fade not meant for you
and better things come along
those who come along make you anew too
i got a broke down car and i live pretty far
but my friends still love me
i’m trying my best to see the rest of the big picture
my car was smoking coming down the causeway
so i lit a blunt and smoked too
and told myself “this is it” everything is becoming anew

wake up, it's September again
time to love my friends and make amends with myself
i'm trying to gain altruistic ecstasy through things aside from wealth
from my hands i will rise and from my mind i will provide
i'm uncovering the distant parts of my heart that i let die
i'm an optimist with experience and i hope you don't ask why
a mischievous gust of wind sets my sails to another try
opened eyes and ears, surpassing over thought fears
i'm finally remembering how to get here
lost maps and closed hands
i’m opening up and lifting my head
contemplating this moment and releasing the dread
light fills me up and i can't come down
i wake up once again, only this time i'm found

the tip of the needle
sometimes it stings
but you have to get to a point where you can’t let it hurt you anymore
a breath of fresh air tastes like there’s more
more to this life
i know it’s there wallowing in the corners of my consciousness
in a place where change is the only constant
i grip it and hold it close
it’s the only thing you can healthily overdose
each new experience hopefully helps me steer clear of an old one
i forgot how to remember
memories aren’t dire to me anymore
today is enough to hold dear
you already lost by trying to hate me
this new life of mine
i’m still trying to get the hang of it
i know i’ll reap what i sow
but that’s the point of letting go

sometimes i forget things are better than they seem
my head convinces me that i’m in a bad dream
i have to counteract the negativity depression brings
cause i know the everlasting light within me will always break free
the god in me glistens like i’m new
in whatever i choose to do
i cling to faith and hope
i pray to not come undone
because my job on this earth has yet to come
i forgot what was important for a while
i took matters in my own hands
from far away lands i felt jaded
but i’m not like the others
i’ll keep going until i make it
this is not a plead for help or a surrender to the world
this is a poem to myself
a reminder that i will rise
and falling is always necessary

have you ever tasted a star fire kiss?
i could make it burn
make your inner turmoil turn
i could make you feel rich or i could make you cringe
i can make you taste passion
but i know my place
i feather in with grace and ignore the chase
contemplate the sound of silence
can you hear your soul and your irresistible desires?
make sure you don’t forget to dismantle the memories
the horizon is greener than the grass you pretend to water
the city sleeps with fog tonight
i lay in bed and coax the sky
i tell myself that it’ll be on time
melodramatic sin on the bottom of your nose
do better next time i tell my reflection

the warmth from loneliness never felt so cold and cleansing
the warmth from two hearts colliding never felt so caressing
smiles stretch wider than the sky and i can’t help but swallow up the ones i hold dear
past, present and future all in my windshield and at the tips of my hair caressing the air i breathe
it’s always been preconceived
the pain the consciousness and the way we bleed
i’m a nomad in the desert feeling like an ostrich feather
freedom just isn’t as potent as it once was
and my dreams are a little more out of reach
but i’m still the wanderer whose ideas are clean
all the eyes that radiated love, i never forgot
because you showed me some kindness in places i forgot
the adventures that shook the time and the tunnels that gave us vision
i handled the concise misunderstanding that led to my downfall
it led me to a waterfall up north where the weather isn’t warm
saturation was gone but i still felt like i was home
i’m going home
i haven’t been there in a while and i’m sorry
please don’t worry about the nights i’ll never show
i’m co-existing with the night
he’s showing me the beauty that comes with walking alone
i made a home inside my bones
the address is tucked into the underlying of my sternum
i don’t apologize for the pictures i’ve burned and the bridges that ignited along with them
i live my best life when i’m desperate for a solution
we’re all just warriors of the unknown
traveling in a stream of nothingness trying to find out the art of everything that’s unknown
there is no home for the outgrown

bath water dribbles up me
i lay smothered in the tub until my head is clearer than the water
it died a long time ago
i just never wanted to accept it
the transparency is covering my feet
i can see through it all
and although i should be sad
i can’t overlook the key components which made my life worth it
i met some great people over the years
i faced my fears and wiped the tears i wept
i overslept and got some rest when it was necessary
i heard my favorite songs til the break of dawn in the back of a bar porch
i met strangers and listened to them tell me how lovely i was
i listened indeed and i always keep it with me
it died a long time ago about 6 months in when i found out i wasn’t the only one getting attention
i just didn’t wanna accept it
thank you for that
in my mind my bags were packed i guess that’s why it was so easy to find the places where you lacked
it was easy for me to want to give up
because i knew it was already dead
love killed you
from the inside out
and each potential victim with bright eyes can’t help but hunger for the emptiness you cradle so deeply inside
hidden amongst the facade of creation
loved turned into a void for you
a void you had to fill with thrills and pills and feels
i’m trying to understand your pain
i’m standing in the rain
with my hands out forever grateful of this simulation
i bathed in pain tonight but i still remain heartfelt and empathetic and i wish to not project it onto others
and see that is why i can’t understand you

sweet words i don’t eat them up like i used to
i hunger for something more like the fire in your eyes
tell me what makes you feel alive and i’ll tell you all my secrets
text me in the morning and text me goodnight
everything feels like a dream against the daylight
i sometimes mistake today with history
and these days i crave mystery instead of predictability
take me further
drag me further into the unknown
i promise i’m equipped
to survive
i’ve already died a thousand times
it helps me shine when i come back to life
you can’t **** me