falling, falling, plummeting down this vast emptiness i've felt many times before
spiraling into tears, violent sadness & passive aggressive anger
further down the rabbit hole
i reach numbness, emptiness & an imaginary aloneness between every moment of every day
dreaming of another life once again,
craving of something beyond this world into another realm.
i never for a moment question my love for you.
but as this poison they call depression begins to spread through my veins once more,
i question your love for me.
& every moment of affection, love & kindness you give to me fades in hours from my memory
as if my mind can no longer cling to happiness as it once did
& every moment of even the most minuscule spec of negligence,
(or at least what this entity attempts to convince me is negligence)
becomes a heartbreak in itself & crushes my esteem & my spirit further down
it's getting what it wants, a mutiny of my mind & the very depths of my soul, the core of my being
but then.
in the very last moments, the very last minutes you have as you are here by my side
you see it in me, this darkness
this sadness & anger.
& i never mean to take it out on you yet somehow this thing, it convinces me to
in a way so subtle i don't even realize that it's happening until after it's happened
& you see it, but you also see me
you see the smiles & laughter, the passion, the fierceness, the fire, love & light in my soul
that once was & had never left but has been stuck behind bars
& you hold me & kiss me, tell me everything will be okay & that you promise you'll help me through this
& i smile
& my heart races
& my soul regains a moment of strength for now
& i adore you so much
because somehow you always catch me at the last moment of "all hope is lost"
& you know how much I love cliffhangers
»a.