Like sodium to
Water. Young and reckless with
Our hearts and ourselves.

Yes, this word is worse than
*****,
Stupid,
Vapid.

Fat means
Unacceptable.
Outcast.
Ugly.

And I might have
‘Great legs’
And I might be
‘Thin’

But that doesn’t mean
The fear is not there.
It is forced upon us
By everyone

Until we are called
Insecure
And the cuts on my arms
Only make that worse

But we are also called
Vain
For only trying to love
What we are.

You don't love me now
Because you knew me before
You ****** me over.

Someone once asked me,
"Was it a proper affair?"
Yes, of course it was.

I want someone to
Roll over and ****. I want
You, here, holding me.

Bet you still wish you could
Bang your desk against the wall
To get me to text you.

Bet you're sat there wishing
It were me instead of her
You come home to.

Bet you miss me
A hell of a lot more
Than I miss you.

You said you were bad
For me. I disagreed, but
Today is too much.

I'm going to keep
Pretending it doesn't hurt
When you don't reply.

you don't get it you
never got it stop saying
that you understand

One of my favourite memories
- Of all time, in fact -
Is of us bickering in the kitchen.
(God knows what over.)
And as our voices got more heated,
And our bodies closer together,
And it was on the verge of becoming a row,
Someone yelled,
"Oh, just get married already!"
Now this is something I've heard before,
With many a friend,
But it has never before shut
Two people up
So instantly.
You and I always
Have something to say, but
The look we exchanged then,
As we bowed our heads
And returned to your washing up
And my cooking!
Not yet, I think.
Maybe in five years' time.

I've always loathed the
Outward pretence that you don't
Give two ***** for me.

I wish I still had
Our texts from last year so I'd
Have proof you loved me.

Two and a half years.
Two whole years, and you still won't
Tell me you love me.

One
You lie, lie, lie.
You hide your secrets in your eyes
For all the world to see.
You imagine I am home,
In my room, all alone.
The roses drop to the floor.
You’d forgotten I hate the thorns.

Two
And Peter shouted at Joanna,
“You don’t know what it’s like!
You don’t know what it’s like
To have scars all down your chest
To be on your bike half way across the Tay Bridge
At midnight
You don’t know you don’t know you will never know.”
And Joanna stood, and she stayed,
And she followed him out of the house to the restaurant
And she showed him she knew
And still he never came back.

Three
“This is the last time I’m asking you.
Come out of there.”
You’re hiding at the back of the wardrobe again.
Maybe they won’t see you.
Pretend they can’t see you.

Four
You say you’re sorry.
You can pull that face out of the bag exactly when you need it.
And you cheated John again
But that face means you’re lying.
You lie, lie, lie.
And John never ******* does anything.

Five**
And Rose walks out of the Med School
Wearing that pretty dress you bought her.
She’s crying to herself.
The noble thing to do would be to ignore it
But instead I walk up to you;
Call you out on that *******.
“Hurt her again; you hurt me.
And heaven knows you’ve done enough of that.”

I cut myself today.

Not that this is irregular,
Of course,
As you well know.

Or do you know?

You said that you're sorry
That I'm not doing well
At the moment.

But neither are you.

I will never tell you this, but
I message you only
When I cannot hide my worry.

Nothing I send is for me.

You won't care, of course.
You certainly try to hide being ill.
As most minutes I hide

The all-consuming agony

That is how much I care about you.
Don't you leave me.
Don't you ever ******* leave me

Again.

I fall. I text you.
I call. I miss you. I miss,
"I won't let you die."

Sun, moon, stars, night, day
End and beginning again.
Don't cease to love me.

It's always me who
Makes the effort but to hear
From you makes my life.

Here I am again
Alone in the dark.
Crying over how
Casually cruel you could be
When I only ******* loved you.

I have a poem
That tells of us. I read it
When I want to hurt.

Watching Pixar with
Anyone but you is wrong,
Inherently.

You reinforce my bad behaviour
With, "You're so pretty,"
And, "I care about you,"
And, "You can always talk to me."
Does it need saying?
*******.
The fact is I don't need you
I just need someone
And that someone always ends up
Being you.
Though it's obvious I'm nothing to you;
Last on your list.
You have so many girls
You could start a band.
And your lies give me a headache
Because after all this time
I'm still the naive little girl
Who loved next to you.
And I thought that wouldn't change
But it did, of course it did,
And every time I get you back
You leave again.
But that disappears
When you're stood in front of me
Telling me how precious I am.
You know no one else says that to me.
Maybe you shouldn't.
This is why I fell for you, you know.
You were the first person to pay me any attention
And the fact is now I could go weeks without you
But I choose not to
Because there's a tiny part of my brain that says,
"He loves you, a little."
And then something like this happens
And I really do need you
Because you were there when this happened
The first time.
You used to understand.
And I will be forever disappointed
That you don't any more.

You always say to
Message you
When I need to.
Well, I needed you tonight.
And you replied, alright.
I wanted a fight
And you let me down again.
You didn't understand my pain;
Just told me to learn; that's the main
Thing.

Don't you preach to me.
Don't you stand there, all
"I found love, look how happy we are,"
And tell me I have to
Date the wrong guys
To find the right guy
When you are standing there
Preaching to me
All along.

My brother farts in
His sleep. I wish he would stop.
My bedroom smells ****.

Relationships are
Mere blemishes on the skin
Of time. Nothing more.

I get up. I stretch out.
I make tea. I head down.
Shower. ***. Shower ***.
Get dressed.
Man hits the brakes too soon.
I'm eating yoghurt with a spoon.
Who let this old woman
Leave her garden?

I never miss this anguish
When it's not here.

Weekend away; cramped in the car.
Pile everyone in, bags and cases.
Stained glass seasons hung on the wall -
Time is inevitable;
Nowhere is this clearer than Fife, Tayside,
Aberdeenshire. The fishing boats and harbourside
Sell ice cream. You struggle to find that
Quintessential smokie but instead find the residential cat
At an upmarket play park; bright colours
Against that claustrophobic sky. The world
Is so small. How did we ever get lost here?
God is love, they tell us, but what is love, dear?
A passionate commitment; we are never alone.
But I do wonder: where will these places go?

The only person
I want to talk about
You to is you. ****.

I often repost
Poetry tagged ****. He thinks
It's for him. Foolish.

Every time the phone rings
These days, anyway, I hope
It's not him, but you.

I have not smiled so
Hard in eleven months. God,
do I wish we were -

Agony is when
You make me feel so wanted
Then go back to her.

I want a place where
I am loved and I'm no longer
The world's disappointment.

Why am I so hard -
So *******, ****, difficult -
Why don't you love me?

You are long gone now.
I would like my scarf back, please.
It smells like me, but...

"Brake, brake, brake!" I squeal.
We are slammed forward. You say,
"You're so beautiful."

No. No I am not
"Okay." I have never been.
Sure as hell; I'm fine.

I am dirt I am
Dust I am earth and soil and
Worthlessness. Nothing.

I am starving. I
Am starved of your lips, your teeth,
Your tongue, your mouth; kiss.

Look* at me. Dying,
Fire, bursting, crying, life,
Love, soul destroying.

Flowers are falling
From the sky today. I sit
On a cloud, wave 'bye.

Remember all you
Have learned. Listen to me. I
Will always know more.

Don't save his sweet texts.
Don't read them when you miss him.
Don't claw back to him.

I am back to me;
Alone in a coffee shop,
Weeping and drinking tea.

I am sexting right
Now, and dear God do I wish
I were sexting you.

I am so sorry
For ever worrying you.
Please, come back to me.

The hardest thing
To put into words is
How you're feeling
When you don't know
How you're feeling.

You call me up again
Just to sing some lyrics.
You hang up
And I'm left hanging.
I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to say.
You're hurting bad, again,
And I don't know why.
Worse, I don't know
What you want me to do.

So I'm panicking because
There's a guy who really, really likes me
And he wants to make me happy
And what do I do with a boyfriend?
All I know is how to hurt people.

And here we are again
In the middle of the night.
You're asking,
"Would you drop him if I asked you to?"
And of course I would.

****.
Just ask.
Go ahead and ask.
Tell me what to do.
I don't have a clue right now.

But instead, this time
I say,
"*******.
"Quit using me."
And you say, "Thanks. Bye."

That's not what I want -
Oh God.
It hurts more when you're not here;
It hurts more than when you treat me like ****.
I don't know how to be without you.

So I go to his house
And as I kiss him
I think
What would happen if
I told him I love you?

Because I do, you know.
I told you I didn't
But I regret it.
Would telling you that
Fix this?

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

So much
So very much
So very very much
Oh yes
Oh yes

I miss you already.
Is that stupid?
I just miss you so ******* much
And I'd take you back in a heartbeat
If you only told me that.

How many more ways
Can I tell you I need you?
You just ignore it.