Baby
I'm barely
My own.

Don't call me
Yours.

So.

You're doing
great.

That's great
That's great
That's great.

I am much more frightened
When I feel
Nothing
At all

Than when I feel
Everything
At once.

Please do not
Mock me.

I am doing
My best.

Healed of toxic memories
Lost things and
Missing my love

Hate comes from misplaced obsession
Anger
Anger
Angry tears

How do you
Grow as a
Person when you've
Grown so
Tired of           yourself.

I really am
trying.

Can't you see me?

Disappointment
Floods over me
As I
Look
Upon
Myself

Easy.
Tease.
*****.
Love.
Cutie.
****.
Heartbreaker.
****.
Sweeth­eart.

Another year
Still here

Once upon a time there was
A young girl who dreamed
That she would
Ride
Around
The world.

I haven't done it.
But for an extra charge
I could
Call
Someone
In China.

It's crazy that I lived
before her.
That I went through my days, good or bad or what have you,
and I didn't have her there.
With her,
nothing is meaningless.
There is no good,
no bad,
no what have you.
There is only me
and there is only her.
And that is all we need anymore.
Just us.

Moving away from
the norm.

I'm not scared
Not nervous
No fear

but

I am plagued by
"What if?"

I am
Experiencing
This
Phenomena

Where I am ready and willing and
Safe

I feel the capacity
Within me
To move forward
To pursue
To advance

Simultaneously
I watch myself
Dream for tears to fall.

To feel
To express
To experience
The loss that has felt
Far too safe
In the pit
Of my stomach.

See my face,
But listen for the voice that begs to be
Set
Free.

"You're so ******* ****"
After she got done ****** me.

"Hey you up?"
4am from a man working at the liquor store I frequent.

"If you weren’t such an *** tonight I would’ve liked to cuddle with you"
A bartender at my regular bar.

"Hey I'm not complaining. You can beat my *** anytime."
An uber driver after I jokingly said I would beat him up. He was a retired police officer.

"Come on. You never even gave me a chance!"
A close friend of 3 years who was upset that I started dating someone else and not him. He didn't talk to me for over 2 years after.

"Seems like you're taking whoever's available at this point."
My manager after I disclosed to her a **** that happened to me days prior.

"Come on, can't I just get a hug?"
A stranger in a bar.

"What? What what's wrong? Come on."
A man in a bar when I wouldn't drop the fact that he had just stuck his hand on my **** and between my legs.

"Well you have to be careful that you're not flirting or being too nice to men."
My father after I told him about an uncomfortable situation with a bartender hitting on me.

Do not call me babe.
Don't call me dear
Honey
Sweetie
Love
Do not touch me.

I am not
For
You.

And I just wanna rip my ******* heart out.
The loss of someone who was never mine.

Take my mind I don't wanna think about
All the times you made me feel just so
MOTHER ******* FINE.

And here's my eyes. I don't need em'.
When I close them all I see are ghosts of you.

Take these hands, I can't stand to feel them
Because it seems they've memorized the way you move.

Here's some stupid ******* ears. Do you want them?
Cuz I only hear that song you used to play.

And take my feet, I never use them,
Since that day they ran
Begging you to stay.

And I can't sleep
Soundly
I can't rest.
I can't handle all the great things that I
ruined I *******

MESSED

UP

EVERYTHING.

But go,
Just like hang out with your friends and get smoothies or some ****. And one day I'll see you walking and you'll catch me in your eye and your stupid friend, you know the one I'm talking about, that  one I hate? Yeah her. Well she'll say something ******* useless like "God isn't that girl the one that was like, obsessed with you or something lololsdlfkakdsjfLASDK".

And then you'll be all
"Hmm. hmm hmm hmm hm hm. Yeah. **** she's crazy."

Then I'll die.

I have this kink
where I want to be treated like
****.

Not because I
enjoy it.

Because I feel like I
deserve it.

And I dreamt

peace came to me

in the form of

sobs and shakes.

**** me
Until I'm not
Lonely
Anymore

I love her so much
But she's leaving me soon
All my wishes are that she would stay.

And I kiss her so often
My lips are all chapped
But with each kiss
She's moving
Further
and further
Away.

A face that has felt assult.
Arms that have shaken from past trauma.
Between the legs hides fear of being sexually assaulted.
Again.
The eyes dance at night with dreams that remind the body that she is not her own.
Bruises healed on each leg from the tears that he shed promising he would be better.
Ears burning from every apology that girl uttered before continuing to take what she wanted.

"You're so ******* ****."

Why does it feel like my body is working against me.
A spoiled carcass that I drag along with me, politely accepting every compliment and bending this body to please others because that's what I've been shown I'm good for.

So check out my **** huh?
Pretty ******* ****.

Panicked
Inhale
Thinking
Inhale
Eyes wide
Inhale
Sinking
Inhale

I can't seem to get a
Breath out
Lately.

It's not uncommon for me to have
Anxiety
With Zoloft on the ready
Who's to know.

My dreams blend
To reality
Can't make out
My fatality
Was it real-Am I dead-Just a dream

I can't seem
To get a breath out
Inhale
Inhale
Out

Without her
What am I supposed to do?
Words lose their meaning.
Taste
Sight
Sound
Touch.
Without her
What do I have?
Bland
Darkness
Silence
Emptiness.
Without her.

I love
your feet because they take you to me
I love
your arms because they hold me
I love
your ears because you listen
I love
your cheeky toothy smile because it warms me
I love
your lips because you kiss me
I love
your eyes because you really see me
And I love
your heart because you love me

The words
Cling to my lips

They hang tightly
To my fingertips

They pull close
On my hips

Listen.

I know you're moving on.
You have every right to be and it's none of my business anymore because
//we're not together//
Anymore.

I never cared in the past.
//I've never felt sick.//
I've never lost sleep.
//I've never lost all feeling.//
When previous
Exs
Moved on.

But you were the first.
Of everything.

To me
You were my everything.

First real love //First real ****// First real heartbreak //First real loss//

You
Were
My
First

And it feels like
Everything
And
Nothing

Now you're gone.

And I crave that connection
//And I ******* hate it//
And I fear it
//And I search for it//

But

Without you

All of life
Is
Make-believe.

Day 2

Isn't this cute

Halloween in June

This year
I'm

A mess.

Yeah you can keep
Calling

This puppet
Pulls at her
Own strings

My body is no longer my own

When "No." translates to
"Try harder."

Hello,
My name is
Gay.

You can't always
Move on
From trauma.

Sometimes
You simply
Build up
Tougher
Walls.

Moving on is hard
to do
When everything
I think
is new,

Are re-envisioned forms of you.

Is this
Compatibility
Or are you just
Watching out for me?

Cigarette
Smoke
Spills from her
Cherry lips.

This love for you
Is floating above me

No chance
Of me
Pulling it
Back
Down

She parted her lips,
He parted ways.

Writing me off as
The one that got away

As I'm
Begging you to stay

You
*******
left me.

I am doing
Well.

Learning to
Love
Myself.

Spending time
With
Me.

Allow me to
Swim within your gaze
And
Lay rest upon your lips