Some things in life are optional.
Like this title for example.
Or the notes below this poem.
Or how I say, "I (almost) cut myself."
The almost is optional.
I could leave that out if I were telling the truth.
And when I tell people, "I did(n't) stop myself."
Again, the n't is something optional.
Maybe some lives are too...

Going through my phone and realizing-
I have 61 contacts.
32 are my "friends."
17 are my family.
5 are teachers.
5 are co-workers.
And 2 are my pastors.
But yet-
**I have no one.

Gone went my sanity as soon as you left me.

School's over now...

And I don't know how long
I can go without seeing your face.
Before I start to lose my mind,
Wondering if you are spending your time with her.
Getting drunk and partying every night.

While I sit at home and imagine the two of us,
Cuddling on the couch. Maybe watching a movie
Or just simply talking. About anything and everything.
But I don't think you are that kind of guy.

You're the kind of guy, that if she's easy, you go for her.
Even if she's been with how many other guys
Just like you.
And it makes me sad for you.
Knowing that I could make you better.
If only you knew that I could fix you.

I'm almost done trying.

You make me sick.
You make me want to crawl into a hole and never come out again.
I hate it that I don't stand up for myself but What would I say?
I don't want you to hurt me.
I'm sick of you calling me names and making me paranoid.
My pastor says that I should forgive, but that's really hard to do when it comes to you.
I feel like whenever I close my eyes, you are there...
Ready to knock me down, time and time again.
Sometimes I think that maybe, just maybe, the blade will treat me better than you do.
Or maybe all those pills in the cupboard.
Would they make me feel good?
I'll take just one, maybe two or three...
But soon that turns into seven and eight,
And I lose count after fifteen.
They make me forget about you and everything else.
I turn towards the blade and cut my throat to see if the pills want to see my ****** friend, the knife.
My two best friends,
Pills.
Blades.
And I.
What a fantastic trio we make!
But if anyone found out,
They would take you away from me.
And I just can't live with that.
So then the rope and tree would become my new friends.

You did this to me.
Are you happy yet?

I want to be done with this world,
**Right now.

I see you standing there,
Sun on your skin, wind in your hair.
I want to hold you tight and not let go.
I love you a lot but you will never know.

Your green eyes, how they shine so bright,
I dearly hope the light inside them will never be dim again.
But if someone hurts you, I will be here.
Your shoulder to cry on, like I've always been
Since that day...

Your caramel brown hair shines in the sun.
Soft as silk. I reach out to touch it, but pull back.
So scared of what you will say,
When I tell you that I have loved you,
Since the day that we first met.

I will never forget...
How you were standing there,
Sun on your skin and wind in your hair.
You were holding him tight and wouldn't let go.
You loved him a lot, but he didn't know.
He left you that day,
And I walked up to say
"You look like you could use a friend."
You smiled your amazing smile and went along with me.
No questions asked. I could tell you were sad,
But I made you laugh and forget.
And maybe that's why you stayed for so long...

...

"I love you."
There, I said it. Straight to your face.
You looked a bit shocked but then you placed,
Your hand up to my face,
And said, "I know."
You leaned in and closed those pretty green eyes,
And kissed me.
Now I'm the one surprised.
You loved me too.

Now I will never have to let you go.

Why?

Why do I have to hang out with this crowd of people?
They are slowing drowning me with bad thoughts and actions.
All of them are fake and I don't know how to say no to them.
Why can't I just let go of them and be with her?

Whenever I push them away,
They come right back.
Begging me to stay saying,
Why would you want to be with her?
She's lonely and pathetic.
She could never be one of us.
Why don't they see that I'm in love and that's never going to change?

Why can't she see that I love her?
I try to show it by humor and kindness.
But she ignores me when I'm not alone.
Why don't we talk like the way I want to?
A couple of hellos in the halls,
Doesn't satisfy me.
She walks with her head down,
Avoiding anyone.
I wish I could change that somehow.
Why is she so beautiful?
I love the way her hair falls as she runs her fingers through it,
How her green eyes sparkle when she laughs her adorable laugh.
I get lost in her emerald eyes and it feels like I am finally at the surface. No longer drowning,
But alive and happy.
Why can't I make her laugh as often as I'd like?
Because all the ***** cling to me and I can't breathe.
I hate them and love her.
Why can't she love me?


But I feel as if someday,
I will find the courage to say,
I love you.


You are the reason I can breathe again...

Shadows.
They are everywhere. In the corners, behind things, in front of things but the one that scares me the most is the one behind ME. He follows me where ever I go, dragging my past and secrets with him. I wish he would go away but then again, I don't. Because then I would be all alone. Only to watch the other shadows and think, "How many secrets is that one burdened with?"
My shadow has my past in a death grip and he won't let go of it. He holds on so tightly that I can't breathe. Strangling me so slowly that no one, not even their shadows, can see what is happening before it becomes to late and I am gone; along with my shadow,
so he never has to drag around my past and secrets again.

*He will finally be free of me.

Twisting, turning
Inside my head.
I can't help but think of what was left unsaid.

As soon as you left,
I sat down and cried.
I think a little part of my soul just died.

I cry for days, weeks, months on end.
But you never came back,
With those words unsaid.

It's been a while since I  saw you last.
I can't go on anymore. Life ends to fast.

So now,
I've found someone new to clear my head.
But I will never bring up you
Or those things unsaid.

Brown

Brown, brown.
The color of your eyes.
The color of your hair.
And it comes as no surprise,
As to how I love you so,
It's just sad to think that you will never know.