Are we lost?
He will find us
Be we sinful?
He will forgive
Are we lonely?
He will stay
Are we hellbound?
He will save
Be we unrighteous?
He will provide
Are we unfaithful?
He will cleanse
Are we sorrowful?
He will wipe our tears
Be we fearful?
He will protect
Are we poor?
He will give
Are we eternal?
He will NEVER forsake

Don't treat me like I've never been afraid.
Don't treat me like I've never had anxiety
Or been depressed
Or had a panic attack
I've done more than you think
I've felt more than you know
I've shaken harder
With fear
Than you ever have.

We were nine
Can still remember
Our little hands parted
And you left
Went far away
I cried
And you weren't there

I got my first ever letter in the mail
It was from you
I sent one back the moment I'd read yours
But you didn't respond for months

I finally got to see you again
We spent days laughing
And then we had to leave, and you hardly said goodbye

We meet every year
Almost
I was always so excited to see you
But then one day
I ran into your house
And you weren't there
You were with someone else

We were eighteen
I was in Washington
You were in Ohio
Forever apart
And he left you
I was there

But later when my heart was broken
You weren't there

When I started volleyball
You weren't there

When I got my first
Amazing job
You weren't there

When I lost weight
I hadn't spoken to you in weeks
And I knew you were off work
And all I wanted to do
Was tell you
But you weren't there

Are you sensing a pattern?

I guess I'm just tired of being
Second
Always second

And in the midst of rainy days
When clouds are dark with misty haze
And life is wrought with deep malaise
Remember Him who bought you

Bronze as the sun with a heart that was laden
A robot once walked where no flowers would waken
The robot was different, he wasn't the same
But the people around him all thought he was sane

He felt on some days as though he would explode
From the sounds all around him as he walked down the road
Was he going crazy? Was he insane?
No one understood-they all thought him inane

The darkness took over and showed on his face
All that he knew was he didn't belong in this place
He felt all alone and one day he decided
That maybe this life wasn't worth what he'd tried

The robot one day sat alone on a bridge
And he wondered and thought as he sat on the ridge
Would anyone notice if he disappeared?
Or was he as invisible as he feared?

He slipped one foot then another over the edge
And he straightened his back and let go of the ledge
He fell and he fell toward the icy cold
And when he hit the surface-his face was still bold

And when they found him a few days later
All of those people they thought him greater
They told of the things that they had seen him do
How selfless he lived, how brave, and how true

They hadn't known him-not as they thought
He was dying inside, but still he had fought
He had been dead long before he did jump
Long before all the words and the hurt made him slump

But now he was free of the hurt and the lies
He sits with the fishes and there he will lie
He sings every night of the things he was told:
That he didn't have feelings and how he stayed gold

And some nights when people feel strange, or feel sad
And stand on that bridge when they need to feel glad
He'll whisper a something that comforts their hearts
That will let them know that they can restart

"Tomorrow's a new day and you're a good soul
And you can start over and make yourself whole"
"The Robot will stay there," it's said, "Till he's done
Till no more sad people feel the need to run"

"He'll lay there beneath with his back still held straight
And then, when he's done, they'll know he was great."
The Robot is sadness in ****** form
The people are haters who bring on the storms

The bridge is the thoughts that plague us at night
The water the thing that gives them the sight
The song is our voices when we are long gone
And comfort to hold us when we seem to drown

You aren't alone, you will always have me
No matter where you are, no matter the scene
I will sing for you, I will hold tight
When no one else hears you, or can feel your light

My dearest, my darling, just hold on to this:
You are a blessing and deserve such bliss
Bring me your sadness, bring me your shame
Bring me your broken and bring me your blame

Just let me hold you when things seem so dark
And let me show you that there is a spark.
There is a something that makes this worth living
And it's time to take, instead of just giving.

You gave all your live, and give still in death
You inhale forgiveness, and smile with breath
It's time just to take, and yourself forgive
And always remember that there's is a reason to live.

I've been
Broken
Sad
Angry
Depressed
I keep thinking
That things can't possibly
Get worse
             And then they do.

Maybe
If I think
That things can't get any better,
Then they will.
I'm still broken
But I have my good days.
God is taking care of me.
All I know is I'm getting better.
Slowly
But surely
I'm healing.

You can't draw misery
Like you can draw a house
You can't draw pain
Like you can draw a mouse.

You can't draw hurt
Like you can draw rain
You can't draw crazy
Like you can draw sane.

You can't draw tears
And you can't draw sorrow
But if you need a model,
Here's a heart that you can borrow.

You can't draw scars
Like you can draw perfection
*** unlike flawless,
"Ugly's an infection."

The thing about love
Is it heals every hurt
And sometimes it gets better
Even when it feels worse

The thing about love
Is there's someone to share
All of your hopes,
Your hurts and your cares.

The thing about love
Is if it's true, it lasts
It pulls you back together
Like an arm in a cast.

What they don't understand
About what happened
Is that

Every breath
Since he left
Is laborious.

Every day
That I live
Is victorious

Every guy
That I see
Is notorious

Because
Because he
Was inglorious.

What they don't understand
About him leaving
Is that

Every day
That goes by
Is upsetting

Every tear
That I cry
Is regretting

Every good
I would see
Is vanishing

Everything
I would trust
I'm not trusting.

Every good
Memory
I'm forgetting

Every pain
He caused me
Is confronting me

Face
To
Face

A part of the poem

It's dead in my soul
Deep beneath my skin
No longer beating
Breathing
Only spasming
From time to time

I don't want to cry anymore
I don't want to hurt you
I don't want attention
I want to scream
At the top of my lungs
Until my voice runs away
Until my vocal cords snap

I don't want to be a part of something
I want to tear myself apart

I may not want to die
But I don't want to live

I want to be alone, but not lonely.
I want to talk, but I don't want anyone to hear me.
I want to cry, but do so silently.
I want someone to ask me what's wrong, but I don't want anyone to know.
I'm too tired to move, but I can't sleep
I want to tell someone, but I can't put it into words.
I want to eat, but food sickens me.
I want to leave this place, but I want to stay where it's familiar and safe.
I want to feel something, but all I feel is numbness.

You know of what I'm speaking
That icy cold of death
That tingling of your neck hairs
The anger on his breath

He tells you that he loves you, though
And that is why this works
But still his arms are cold as snow
And every blow still hurts

With every scar he leaves you,
Tears run down your face
He asks you why you're crying so
And says "Everything's okay"

But as you shudder, freezing
And goosebumps flood your skin
You feel your remorse leaving
And letting him come in

His arms-the ones that bruise you
For now seem warm and safe
But your mind betrays you
Those arms will start to chafe

No, no, he never loved you
For loving doesn't hurt
And even when he found you,
His heart was a desert

And in the years they'll wonder
Why you never spoke
Of the pain that he afflicted
And horrors that he wrote

But they wouldn't have listened
For they don't understand
That enclosed by his hurtful fist
Was a loving hand

And why would you ever
Betray that loving touch
For though the scars hurt so,
He loves you oh so much

I miss the way things used to be
I miss the way we were
I miss the love I felt all day
And how I felt so sure

I miss the way we'd fellowship
Sing and talk late at night
I miss the way we were together
Fighting the good fight

I miss the laughter that we shared
And all the bitter tears
And how it felt that all that stuff
Would last for years and years

I miss all of the time we spent
Learning more and more
Of nooks and crannies we had found
In our hearts and souls

I hope we come again one day
To where we used to be
Where we can talk and sing again
Of where we long to see.

I don't like myself when I'm confident
I would rather carry the demons
On my own
Then put them on those around me

If I could tell you anything
If any words could fall from my lips
And slip into your ears
I would say
I'm sorry
I'm sorry that even though
You are so blissfully
Beautifully happy
I can't be happy for you
I'm sorry
Because right now
I'm so unhappy with myself
That it's hard for me
To be happy for anyone else

I believe in little things as well as big things
I believe in goodbye kisses as much as good morning ones
I believe in spreading love as far as we can before we die
I believe that it's important to squeeze in as many embraces as possible even if you've already said goodbye
I believe that we are hear for a reason
I believe in the beauty of everyday things
I believe that it's okay to cry, you just have to find out what to do after that
I believe in better things than a virus or a violent ending to all things good
I believe that goodness made this world
I believe that goodness paid for me to be here through a vast sacrifice
I believe that we do not stay dead long
That death is only a door
And I believe that on the other side
Whether we see joy
Or disaster
Depends not only on how we live our lives
But on how one man lived His

Just because I hate the city
Doesn't mean I want
A
Silent
Life
I long for the powerful armored ocean
To pound at
My feet
Entreating me
Begging me
Enter
I dream
Of the quiet
Misty green
Mountains
Majestic
In their solitude
And mighty
In their sustaining of
Life
I hope for
The soft, strong
Air of sailing
To beat against my face
Threatening
To lift me
Into it's blue embrace
My heart beats
For the pines
Green
And great in beauty
I don't want a quiet life
I want a wild life

I thought that maybe just this once
Everything would change
I thought that somehow my heart could
Begin to beat again
But here we are, my heart is torn
And I am on the ground
Asking for a helping hand to
Show me up from down
But you in all your pridefulness
Can't seem to bend down low
And break a nail or ***** hands
You can't tell friend from foe
So call me when your mind again
Is back to sanity
Goodbye, old friend, here's to the end
***** all your vanity

I hate this
The hating myself
And loving you
Even though
It should be
The other way around

You hurt me
You put your hands where
No one else's
Had ever
Made a mark
My angel of darkness

But my mind
My mind keeps twisting
This into a
Fairytale
Of some sick
Hansel and Gretel tale

Were I am
The villain and you
You are the sweet
Innocent
Son who is
Just trying
To find a way through this

Whatever it is

So I love
I give my all to
You and  your games
Even though
Your warm hands
Are all over my own

Your skin and
Sweet scent of cologne
Have left bruises
All over
My life now
And they won't go away

So please, please
Someone help me to
Get rid of these
Marks and these
Footprints that
Are left in my memories

You are a ghost
And God help me,
I can't make you leave

I like the simple things.
The things like
Eating an apple with a knife
And jamming out to music
And the feeling of soapy warm water
On my hands when I wash dishes
And the sun coming through the window
And quiet walks on a starry night
And fresh chocolate chip cookies
And a clean house
And the smell of old books
And wearing my favorite shirt

There are times
When my heart sings
Because the sun
And because the moon
And because the stars
And the trees
And dirt
And light, and just
Life

But then there are the down times.
Those morbid
Menacing
Ugly
Angry
Sad
Upset
Unfair
Times
When nothing
Is good
And I can't
Seem
To
Breathe
Quite
Right.
In
Those
Times
There is only one thing I can do.

Remember the good times.

I'm in bed
Barely awake
My nose is cold, but everything else is warm
And soft
I listen to the lonely melody of this song
And all becomes clear.
I do not fear the final closing of my eyes
For I know what I will see behind my long worn eyelids
A multitude of green fields
And a bleeding sunrise
Kissing the hills behind
And the smile of eternity brushing across my skin.

Tired of being tired
Tired of being alone.
Tired of being sick
Ready to be done

Tired of looking backwards
Always to the past
But the same, the future
Cannot come too fast

Tired of being tired
Tired of being alone.
Tired of being sick
Ready to be done

Tired of being lonely
Tired of being sore
Tired of my heart crying
Begging for "no more".

Tired of being tired
Tired of being alone.
Tired of being sick
Ready to be done

Today I was good to myself
I woke up and went right back to sleep
Even though I'd already slept 8 hours.
Then I did it again
And I got 11 hours of sleep

Today I was good to myself
I got up and made a yummy breakfast
I didn't worry about making my bed
Not right away
I just ate bacon and drank a smoothie

Today I was good to myself
I made 3 cups of my favorite hot tea
And I put fresh local honey in it
And a bit of lemon juice
And I let myself feel it
Travel down my chest
And into my belly
Hot and soothing

Today I was good to myself
I spent an hour and a half in my bible
Highlighting
And Journaling
And admiring the beautiful words

Today I took care of myself
I kept all the lights off except one
I paid my overdue bills
And I talked to my plants
And read a book
And I watched scifi
It's my favorite

Today I was good to myself
I didn't let myself worry
About money
Or work
Or church
Or anything else
I just let myself be at peace
I didn't even get dressed

Today I was good to myself
I took a hot bath
I put Epsom salt bubbles in it
And Eucalyptus bath salt
And I soaked away all the stress of the last couple months

Today I was good to myself
I wasn't productive
Not really
I let myself rest
Today I didn't do anything
But I did the important thing
And I was good to myself

I wish there was a manual
Telling me what to say
A speech to give to someone
To not push them away

I wish someone wanted me
The way I wanted them
Someone to fall in love with
My loneliness to stem

"You'll find someone" they tell me
But I don't want to wait
I want to find someone now
But no, I'll have to stay

The search is never over
I'll look for all my days
Who knows if I will find someone
To be my hope and stay?

It's easy for everyone
Else, they've all found they're love
A perfect match for perfect ones
A match made up above

They don't get to say that
I'll "find someone someday"
It's easy to look out on me
And with confidence say:

"You'll find your special someone
He's out there somewhere, dear"
I don't want him to be "out there"
•
•
•
•
I want him to be here.

To the long car rides
And the junk food trips
To the loud radio
And miscellaneous gifts
To the goodbye hugs
And “Hello agains”
To the happy beginnings
And all the sad ends
To the “You look goods”
And the “Eh, not so much’s”
And the deep conversations
That no one else touches
To the 5-minute arguments
And later apologies
And the “How do you do this?”
And the help with technology
To the I-can’t-hear country songs
And the speaker-vibrating bass
And the dealing with people
With undeserved grace
To the long midnight laughter
‘Till we’re told to shut up
And the splitting of drinks
Between two paper cups
To the cooking our own stuff
‘*** we’re just that cool
And the angry frustrations
With people at school
To the late-night shrieks because of the mice
And letting them go because we’re so nice
Here’s to the worst times
The bad, and the good
And here’s to “I love you”
And “By me you’ve stood”
I love you, dearie
And I always will
So here’s to 18
And time standing still

To love
Is to expose yourself
Wholeheartedly
To heartbreak.

To bring someone into your heart
And trust them
Not to rip it to shreds.

To reserve a little space
In your mind and thoughts
For that human being
Who impressed you
Told you they
Loved you
Showed you affection.

Destruction is

For that person
To say they never liked you
For them to take
Your exposure
And abuse it.

Even though you trusted them
And brought them into you like
A counterpart
Of your heart
They rip you to shreds inside.

They take that reserved parking spot
That you cleared for them
And they graffiti it,
And burn it up
And then leave

Leave you a trembling
Crying mess
Who just wants to know what they did
Wrong.
And when you finally find out,
Its not good enough

Because even though the reason
Is not a real reason
They still hurt you
And you can't hate them

Because inside, you are cleaning up that
Graffiti they drew
And those scorch marks they burned
And you just
Can't
Hate them.
You can't.

Because despite everything,
You are still holding out hope that
They might come back
And apologize.

I want to write a poem
But you've even taken that
Even every word in my mind and heart
Has been squeezed out
Broken from it's home
You are a thief
A robber in the night
You have taken all my happiness
Every drop of positivity is gone
Dripping down
         And
               Down
Into the darkness
A wall of black
That even light cannot penetrate
It's wrong
How you live
With every will
Gone
Every wish
And hope
And dream
Are no more
Because you
You
Have taken it all
You deserve nothing
And you are nothing
And you will amount to nothing
You are a worm
In a wonder world
Wandering
Breaking everything
Failing everyone
And losing everything
Good
You have pushed it all away
You are a burden on all
And you deserve your loneliness.

You don't understand
The way I think

When I'm with you
I seem to shrink

I don't think you get
The way I feel

Your hate eats me up
Like some kind of meal

And when we hang out
I'm so afraid

That your new victim
Will be my name

"You're stupid," you said
Straight to my heart

So when I see you
I fall apart

So just be gentle
With my broke heart

Not that it matters
You make it fall apart.

Alright, people.
Here's the thing:
For the longest time
The trending tags
Have been
'Death'
'Depression'
'Pain'
And 'Heartbreak'
This easter,
Let's change that.
Let's make them
'Truelove'
'Christ lives'
And 'Resurrection.'
Because yeah, our hearts are dead,
But he will resurrect them.

Humans are just humans
Friendships are good
And healthy,
And fun,
But none of us is any more than flesh
And
Blood
You don't need to earn anyone
And they don't need to satisfy you

My stomach churns
And my fingers ache
My brain screams
My heart shakes
I am deeply sick
In anxious anticipation
Of all the worlds I will write

Everyone says
That trust
Trust
Is a hard thing to earn.

But really
When you see someone for the first time
Your mind
Tells you whether
Or not
You trust them.

Trusting someone is easy.
Knowing someone is hard.

When I met you,
My dearest uncle
uncle
I knew
Right away
That you were
The greatest
Man
I
Had
Ever met.

I am glad I met you.
Blessings to you, my writing confidante.
When I finally
Compile
All of these thoughts
Into a book,
The book will say
Three pages in
"To uncle Percy
"Thank you for believing in me."

I try so hard
To help you
See Christ
By going to church
But you keep lying
And making me cry
And I don't know
If it's worth it anymore.
Maybe you aren't elect.
Maybe you don't care enough.
I cried again today
Because of you.
If you cared
Wouldn't you ask if I was okay?
I don't know.
Maybe
Maybe not.
All I know
Is when I walk into Heaven,
I want to be holding your hand.
One more adventure together.
But you don't care.

I spent years
Convincing myself that you
Were my mission.
God wanted me to help you to him.
But maybe I was wrong.
Because you have made me cry
And hate
And scream
Like I never used to.
I can't go on a vacation without worrying about you.
Because of you
I can't sleep sometimes.
And I am so tired of it.
I just want what's best for you.
But you don't even know.
I can't tell you how much you hurt me,
Because I'm afraid then you would leave.
I love you so much.
I love you so much.
Why can't you do this one thing for me?

Maybe it was never meant to be.
No more adventures for us.
I'm done.

I am a psychopath
Born of hatred
And loneliness
I am bred of sadness
Soaked in anxiety
Wrapped in a deep sadness
That no one knows
I am broken
Never to be whole

But I am on a high
Of gladness
A sweet glory inside
That answers to the call
Of a great survivor
And savior
It beckons me to a warm embrace
Whispering comfort
And smothering me in love

But then
I am alone
And lost on my own
And this frigid cold
Embraces my every action
I can't think
Can't speak
Can't feel
And God
What I would give
Just to feel something
That is not
This
This fragile existiance
That never seems to let me go
I am falling
Falling
Falling in the dark
And ******
I don't know if I will ever
Stop
Falling.

Army men
City girls
Turned nurse

Hands held over
Slowly-contaminating
Breaths

Mason jar IVs
Cleansing white
Handkerchiefs

Masks
Yellow on white
Death in the air

Blood in my mouth
Hair
Lungs-everywhere

No new people
In months.
We know what it is.

We have Typhus
And it's not going away
Until it has ****** the breath from all of us

Until we are all dead
6 feet under
The ground

—-██—— Put this on
—-██—— your profile
██████—if you’re not
-—██—— embarrassed
—-██—— to tell others
—-██—— that you
—-██—— believe in God

My dearest uncle,

Last summer
Was so awesome.
I hadn't seen you in years, and to finally see you again gave me hope.
But you had changed.

Last summer
Was so sad.
I was broken
And I needed you
So
Much.
But you had changed.

Last summer
I grew up.
You had changed
Not for the better
And even though I needed you
I had to learn to cope.
Because you left.

This summer
You came back.
Again.
And things aren't the same.
We both know it
But no one wants to say it.
So I will:
We won't ever be the same.

Last year
You changed
I changed
And neither of us
Will ever be the same.
So we'll have to cope
On our own.

So let's drink to our changes

All of my betrayed love,
Your niece