I.. well I hate myself
I hate that I crave you
I hate that I cant move on
I hate that things aren't working
I hate everything
I hate being alone
I hate being

But I also love
I love you
I love the way you look
I love the way you talk
I love the memories we have
I love being near you
I love the way you make me feel

That's what it feels like
Depression
I've never really talked about
My depressed days that much
Its just a part of me
I can never really reveal to other people
This is hard
It never really leaves you you know
Its like your just numb
You can lay there for hours staring
At the ceiling
Doing nothing
Thinking nothing
Or you can be
Lying on your bedroom floor
Tears streaming down your face
Crying silently alone
Burning all the memories
You want to never remember
But somehow can never let go of
You can have the blade in your hand
Running across your skin creating
Lines of red
Lines of pain
Lines of anger
Of heartbreak
No one even knows
You hide it so fucken well
The pain is unbearable
But you can't let it show through
Smile
Laugh even
No one notices
No one notices the scars
You keep your jumper on to hide them
Even on hot summer days
Your skirt hides the lines on your thigh
No one notices
No one knows that the happiest person they know
Truly isn't
They're broken
Cut up
Terrible

at one point i threw myself into a puddle of negligence and reveled in the sickingly delightful pleasures of self indulgence and cynicism

i knew no moderation and i knew no god, and without a hint of balance i nonchalantly stumbled across a tightrope that was threaded with desire and desperation

beyond the point of no return i realized the scars i bore were testaments of ******* that cried crimson tears of a faith long contorted

i needed a catalyst, and i fell from the tightrope in a similar way i fell from grace

all of the time i spent moving backwards sent the hands of the clock in a frenzy, and the last i remember they had moved backwards infinitely more than i ever could

Did I leave all of those women
a sacrifice
should I believe all of the judgement
paralyzed
the lies in all of the eyes I've slid by
embraceable
the saliva I've slid across the skin of too many women
overflow
losing myself in flesh just to be able to bear with...
life

I put myself in a bottle,
throw it into the sea;
in the midst of this battle,
waves crashes over me.

Waiting for blinding sun
and cold light of day,
troubles, weigh a ton,
take my fears away.

I am alone in horizon,
from morn till even;
my life only begun
in Your Heaven.

I have trust issues.
not because I mistook a raisin for a chocolate chip,
but I mistook you as a person who wouldn't hurt me.
Who wouldn't let me be tortured under the world's pressures
You knew I was treasure but locked me away in your cheap jewelry box
So, when I was freed of a year's slavery,
I built my wall
Much taller and stronger than before,
just to hope  it'd scare away monsters like you from my door.
Until one learned how to climb.
In time, I let his angel face distract me from his devil's soul
But the guards of my heart blocked him out before I paid another toll.
My wall was built and rebuilt a million times
I installed the blinds and laid alone.
Until a price charming climbed along
or does he belong to those monsters?
My heart says no
but my trust issues say yes
what if he can actually break the spell placed on me?