Words hurt
But yours shouldn’t have to.
The things you say stick to me like a
Tattoo.
I’m a vacuum.
I **** up all the things you say
and it just replays.
You say
things you think you have to say
in ways
that are better left unsaid.
Too bad you can’t UnSay
the things you said
even though I know
you never would.

How come
it is always the ones we hold closest
that is gifted
with the blueprint
of our defeat?
a way to have us
beaten, broken hearted
and down
on both knees.

How is this honest?
How are we fair?
To be clear,
as you sleep
without fear
I sit here and think.
If you had a snore for every tear I’ve shed,
you might never wake up.

I used to think nothing was stronger than love.
As long as we had love, nothing could come between us.
As long as I knew love I would never be heartless.
And as long as you knew I loved you, we would be fine.
Who knew I’d be wrong?
Maybe I love too hard.
That has to be it.
There has to be a reason why I feel so drained instead of feeling loved.
There has to be a reason why the feeling of judgement surrounds me like a suffocating blanket!
Oh! how to be able to breathe would feel..
Maybe I would be able to if I loved less.

Slowly but surely, love is becoming an unknown and foreign object to me.
Something that certainly can’t be attained.
Right?
How could I know love after all the pain I’ve sludged through?
It seems as out of reach as receiving any sort of maternal affection.
How could something so positive as Love impact me so negatively?
Maybe love isn’t as cracked out as it were made to seem
and maybe things will become better if I become Love-less.

Please tell me why I even bother.
Why do I bother to scramble to find the words to express how I am feeling when all you are going to do is press Ignore?
I feel IGNORED.
Why do I bother to talk about the thoughts that run screaming through my mind when all you’re going to do is Interrupt?
You hate it but I hate it more.
Never being able to finish my sentence is the curse I’m destined to die with.
Never being understood is all I’m meant to be.
Invalid is all I am. Invalid is all I’m meant to be.

A mother’s touch is
suppose to be tender,
one you would lean into.
But, instead
I would flinch.
Not for fear of any physical pain
she could cause me
but only because
she never touches me.

“you are really damaged”
21 years of searching for
a mother’s love
will do that to you.
Searching for that missing piece
and hoping that if you do everything
she wants and everything
you can possibly do to help her
that maybe,
just maybe,
you’ll finish the puzzle and
she’ll love you.
Which is absurd because
she won’t
and she can’t.
How can a mother love her children
when she knows of no love herself?

Cat and mouse..
A game I’ve always hated
but a game I know all too well.
because she always flaunts
what she knows I want
right in my face.
She knows what I crave
and how to make me weak.
My one true weakness,
Family.
Well, the idea of one
because I have never had one before.
A family to call mine?
One that would love me unconditionally
and honestly?
The universe has
a sense of humor after all
and it’s Me.