Lydia

Lydia Sep 2018

Untitled

Growing up I was always told,
NEVER BE AFRAID TO BE WHO YOU ARE AND TO STAND UP FOR WHAT IS RIGHT

I never knew how hard both of those things really were to do
until
I grew up and
became confused about who I am
and I found myself at times too weak to say anything when I knew something was wrong
What if I my parents told me that growing up
in hopes that I could do the things they never found the courage to?

#feelings #growing #up #life #me #adult #strength

Lydia Sep 2018

Perspective

Now that I think about it,
I always want people to like me
and respect me
and realize how valuable I really am,
but why do I expect other people to see all of that in me,
when I don't even see it in myself?

#feelings #me #real #life #treatment #others #people #selfworth

Lydia Sep 2018

lonely

I don't like being alone
I used to have this false idea that I loved having all the time in the world to myself
that I missed the days of it just being me me me
and then every single time an opportunity arises,
I am only left feeling empty
and anxious
and lonely

I can be in a room full of people and still feel like I'm standing in the dark,
sometimes other people make me feel more lonely than I ever could have imagined while being on my own

lonliness is a disease only someone you love can cure

Me recently

#lonely #feelings #love #sad #alone #people #me #time

Lydia Sep 2018

burning

Yesterday I came home mad
I had the house to myself
so I went to my room
and packed a bowl
I decided to clean the bathroom
because for me,
cleaning is therapeutic
I took a hit and then scrubbed the sink
I took a hit then cleaned the toilet
I took a hit and then cleaned the mirrors
I took a hit and scrubbed the bathtub
I took a hit and swept the floors
the bathroom I stood in smelled like bleach
and
marijuana
I felt better
burning and bleaching the days gunk away

#**** #feels #cleaning #bowl #smoke #me #feelings #therapy #day

Lydia Sep 2018

skin

I think I'm just bloated but today I feel fat
my period is probably just going to start soon
maybe that's why when I spotted those dreaded stretch marks between my legs while shaving it totally ruined my day
it's a bad combination of insecurities
flaws I pick and pick at until it drives me insane
my thighs are too thick one day
and the next I feel like showing off my legs
my tummy is too round this week so big shirts it is
I know if I don't eat much for a couple of days I'll be happy when my abdomen sinks back in
but then I'll feel bad that I did that just to feel good about myself again

#skin #eating #feelings #stretchmarks #me #hate #body #issues #angry

Lydia Sep 2018

happiness prohibited

I don't have the right words
because I am absolutely exhausted
without me even realizing
in the past few weeks my depression has really taken a toll on me
everything feels more difficult
overwhelming
defeating
I realized I haven't really felt happy happy in weeks
I've just kind of looked forward to times where I have no responsibility because anything important is debilitating
people always seem to think you're unhappy because you miss someone or your just inconvienced
that once the weekend comes it will all be better again
when someone says something like that
I know they have never ever felt like I do right now
like my brain is clawing itself up in a war of conflicting feelings and thoughts
wanting happiness and feeling strictly prohibited

#feelings #depression #me #thoughts #life #sad #sick #better #wanting #happiness

Lydia Sep 2018

Warm

there are days where it's like cold rain pours over me
soaking me to the bone
leaving me weighed down and heavy
left to wring out my clothes and my soul with all the energy I have left

when my brain is overcast and I just can't see the sun
you're there to bring the blue back to my eyes and shower me in warmth
leaving me feeling golden
pouring all you can give into me
feeding my roots and helping me bloom,
so that I can be brighter

#you #me #love #happy #warm #rain #loveyou #mine