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luapharas Oct 2014
the 23 of each month for the past year i've written to you.
expressed how much I miss you, each month I've survived without you.
Today, october 23 its been a single year since your blue eyes stared aimlessly into the distance.
Some people attempt to show me comfort saying things like "hes in a better place"
In all honestly, I would have cared for him the rest of my life
dealing with his sickness, if only he were here today.
Cancer killed the most important man in my life, single handedly tortured him until he couldn't walk
couldn't talk
the last communication we made was in the hospice bed.
Whispering "I love you, dad" our hands clasped together, you squeezed my hand unable to talk this was your "I love you, good bye"    
You waited until both your daughters weren't present in the room to let go. For 3 years we knew the day would come where we couldn't bring you home from a hospital bed. Coming home without you was something, strange. One year later, and this house is just as empty as the day we left that hospital room without you.
Rest in peace daddio, I'm thinkin' bout'cha all the time.
15w
luapharas Jan 2015
15w
You wouldn't be proud of what I've done,
you'd be proud of who I've *become.
a note to my father.
luapharas Nov 2015
I don’t know where to start, we need time apart
don’t say we’re so much alike, we clash
I’m nothing like you
Despite what you think, lying isn’t part of my lifestyle
You’ve created this “life” that you’ve build on lies
this style you’ve formed on others opinions, wants, needs
What happened to you?
I could say when I was younger I looked up to you
wanted to be the mirror image right down to the straight across bangs
that was 6th grade.
Now it seems like you’re looking down on me, a ******* on the shoe
just a teenager is what you’ve labeled me
one year, and 4 months I’ll be 18
is that when I’ll finally be a someone to you, not only someone
but you’re ******* daughter.
Yes, I’m young but whats ****** up is
I’m convincing you to stop using the internet to meet men
Rinsing your hair of bleach, spending a fortune of on skin care
Who are you?
This is where I begin to preach, theres a breach in the system
wires crossed, burnt, n’ broken
thus causing an outtage of ******* patience I have for you.
Most the decisions you make, boggle my mind
you always choose the path less traveled by,
voyaging through potholes and quicksand
you’re stinking, stuck
things won’t change, its to late
written years ago, just found it
luapharas Nov 2014
step back, correct your own mistakes
respect our mourning, don't deflect what you'll regret in the end
you haven't only disrespected us, you've neglected taking into consideration my fathers wishes.
take care of us
being unaffected shows your carelessness.
cause' we won't stick around forever, now remember never bring another man into this home.
Its your house, but our home.
why can't you ask yourself, what would dad think about this
he is gone, but not a moment is forgotten.
you've crossed a line, you can't come back from.
luapharas Dec 2015
these past two years have been empty
bottomless, like nothing will ever see light
a canyon of separation, so much space in-between us I've lost you
now I'm frantically searching for my missing parent
just. like. joe. dirt.
Instead of looking at the moon, wonderin' if you're looking at the same thing in the exact moment
I wonder if you are the moon, the stars, the outer-space filling the void of everything else in-between.
where are you?
The hardest thing about losing a parent due to death, is not knowing where their soul has ended up.
I stare at his urn, hoping that he's not trapped
hoping he's not witnessing the struggle it is to live without him
these years have been empty
bottomless, like nothing will ever see light
that one chair when we all occasionally eat around the dinner table
empty
one side of my mothers bed.
empty
the other half of meaningful conversations
silence
"I love you dad" I say it aloud
**silence
luapharas Apr 2015
I love nightfall.
Through double windows slight sunlight well-illuminates the somber room, with fumes that smell soothing to the mind, hoping for a guide to take me through another spiritual loop.

The music keeps me mindful and inspired. This is where I am tranquil with my being.
everyone else around me thinks I’m in a bad spot cause’ I stopped going to group, I was sick of the ladies who sit up straight and pull off their glasses when I have to tell them my dad’s deceased.
This only increased the tension in the room, now I am uncomfortable...lets
not even talk about it anymore.

they all say the same things, ask the same questions - don’t need another session of venting to a person I see twice a week.
I’ve found some techniques to help me live my days happily. I struggle to survive throughout the darkest paths on my journey through life.
Gandhi said that “You must be the change you wish to see in the world”

I’m just a teenager, but I’m still a believer that life can be something absolutely divine. I recline on my bed, strive to keep my eyes open wide. I’m trying to keep my dreams of better living alive. Look outside, to see a Maine Chickadee making its way to the feeder.

Can’t help but reminisce about the fact that my dad ******* loved birds.
Its something he found extraordinary, simply captivating
he loved the freedom they had, the beauty of each detailed feather
thus activating his true happiness and love for live.

The buddha says “When you come upon a path that brings benefit and happiness to all, follow this course as the moon journeys through the stars”
I hope he’s taking a journey through the constellations, flying part mars
exploring the wonders of the galaxy
taking an expedition without the repetition of constant pain

His happiness brought satisfaction to everyone else around him.
The time we spent together flew by so fast, I couldn’t even grasp for air
choking, scared to face what the next day would bring.
I still cling to the idea that this is all a nightmare
with the desire to wake up any moment now.

time is blazing by with a blink of the eye
junior high feels like yesterday, college feels like tomorrow
I need to stop living in the past, and fearing for the future
sooner or later I’ve got to concentrate on the present
this moment as I breath, I am alive

I still feel at a lost though, I can’t even drive yet
stuck in the drive-way waiting for my mom to take me to karate
A founder of a form of karate integrated zen into this teachings, but my preaching of living starts with buddhism really,
I want to be mindful and aware of my thoughts and actions.

Karma decides the rest of our being,
and the only person who can control karma is ourselves
We are the result of what we were; we will be the result of what we are
In the ethical realm Karma is the law of cause and effect.
Which is the basis of what I believe, cause’ its all about how we perceive things.

I still lay on my bed enjoying the evening light beaming off the white walls , watch out the window as the snow falls upon the earth
It’s slowly getting darker
The suns not visible, like a criminal in camouflage keeping out of sight

The look of snow floating onto the pine trees with such ease
gives me a sense of peace
I am alive, I am in the moment
this moment of complete pleasure and happiness
just like my dad when he saw those birds flying free.

Now’s he has got his own set of wings,
and a master key to the universe.
*poem that means the most to me
luapharas Sep 2014
hi how high are you?
my body is shaking within my own skin
my grin shows how high my state of mind is
my thoughts lined with pleasant daydreams
theme undecided
nothing guided
only my imagination
with my own narration
long duration
**** hits, never quits
visits from old memories
carries me away
as if a glistening new boat
was swaying me away from shore
I swore my body was moving to the feel of the waves
moving, and grooving
proving I am who I am
through my dreadlocks
and poetry
this is my story
glory, just exquisite
no, not really its ordinary
I'm going to cut to the chase
life is no race, I'm slowing growing
flowing through my deepest emotions
my devotion is enlightenment  
brighten my eyes and live in the moment
all thats crucial, with the brutal past
and the frightening future
let my worries
become flurries of snowflakes
laid upon the earth and not my shoulders
weight like a boulder
in the eye of the beholder
I hear sweet tunes of floyd
feel the keys on my fingertips with every motion
smell the stale smoke of cigarettes and marijuana
this high as brought nothing but good thoughts
and positive energy
and talkative vibes
nothing describes the uplifting enjoyment
won't stop drifting
shifting from planet earth
to my own birth of reality
luapharas Dec 2015
I don't know what to say, choked up on words trying to understand what your going though
when your in pain, my knees ache as you describe
the horror you face everyday.

things have changed
more than I can explain.

My life is like a 1000 piece puzzle
when i'm asked to describe it
I have to put each piece exactly where it fits
for the main picture to come together

This isn't an ordinary puzzle
it has 7 extra pieces
no boarder
and the picture is a swirling mass of
black, grays, and whites.

things have changed
so much it makes me sad
just to explain

from one poison to another
alcohol to chemotherapy  
your days changed from
hangovers to hanging on for dear life

I watch you nod in and out of sleep
all day long
lay in your bed, silent
with the background of cartoons
you reached your hand out
I lay mind on top of it
and you squeeze

you open your eyes
and look at me
"I know your here, i love you"
as he says laying his head back down on his pillow
closing his eyes, back to sleep
luapharas Mar 2016
I find social networking distorted communication
you hardly see face to face conversations
just excessive clicking on keyboards
n’ anxious minds waiting for replies
no one takes the time to enjoy the company who is present
I can’t decipher true emotions through all this commotion of texts, and private messages.
talking to people who aren’t in the same location is vague
The internet is an addiction widespread like a pelage
my frustration with corrupted socializing starts with facebook
Never again will I sign up for any false friendship making world wide web connections
I give you no other choice.
use your voice,
to say what you need to say,
use your hands,
to paint what you need to convey
use your legs,
to sway your own way
What worries me the most, is its not only teenagers,
adults are getting ****** in too.
TRY logging off, being disconnected is relieving  
I’m notified about the **** that matters when it happens
can count the number of sincere friends I have on one hand
I don’t understand how some people  can spend hours surfing through a news feed filled with constant updates from others.
It took me two years to realize I was wasting my time posting about my journey through existence to people who don’t give a ****
What really make me insane is those people who post every **** detail of their life, as if trying to write an autobiography of ALL their vacations, foods, relations, moods
These posts of so called “picture perfect” lives is none of my business
So instead of sitting in front of a dimly lit screen trying to save battery power, I charge myself up and play this funny game called life
I spend parts of my day with my best friend mary jane
I might even bury my face into a book, which is highly doubtful
but more likely than me posting on social media about what I’m doing at this moment in time.
Now first impressions come from profile pictures,
and number of likes you get on a status.
Think next time you post something personal
cause thats being stashed in cyberspace, not knowing where its stored
posting when you're bored, about how you scored at a party last night
in spite that its your best friends girlfriend,
but you were to drunk to remember.
Even worse sharing photos of underage drinking
not even thinking about who can see the evidence
of your stupidity, not lucidly taking in your actions
but you look at the fraction 9 out of 300 facebook "friends"
liked your status, thinking you've got a stratus
letting it ruin your day,
bruin about how a girl with half her clothes on has
700 likes n’ 5,000 comments from pigs,
because thats what social media is
a popularity contest, with the best updates
sluttiest photos, and juicy drama
log off
doff the social content through technology completely
its easy.
brace yourself,
have to talk to my face
not through the space of miles, through your screen
I'm not an ordinary teen, just wanting to be seen for who I am
not my online profile
which you won't find because
I don't tell facebook what’s on my mind
tweet about what I eat
  instagram my outfit of the day
I am what you see, plus my poetry
my distinctive personality isn't shared
through an internet related source
This isn’t out of force, my own choice in which I rejoice in the fact that I no longer waste my precious time reading about everybody else’s life,
and just living mine
thus giving me more of a voice, rather thinking I need to type everything in my head
instead, I speak my mind aloud for everyone to hear,
bolder than my outfit, shoes, and my hair.
I do this without shedding a tear
you'd realize if you stepped back
you lack the strength
to go a length of time
its not a crime,
its time
to log off.
luapharas Dec 2014
I'm franticly searching for a bit of oxygen, I'm suffocating
these dreams are drowning me,
no surprise, I fall asleep at night stalking along the shoreline
I wake up, surrounded by salt water.
your words sent me asphyxiating
choking on what to say next.
this constant wave of emotions is no longer worth
a relationship that there is no hope in catching.
luapharas Apr 2015
I find it hard to receive clarity, unless I'm in a smoke filled room.
clarity comes from an open mind.
luapharas Dec 2015
I'm so sick of sitting inside
I don't want to hide from the world
curled up at my desk, chest in knots
spot the sun through the window
letting a piece of glass keep me from smelling fresh air
I swear school isn't for me but, I need a degree to pay for a car
can't wish upon a star, it will end up in a spar
by far a genius from the fetus slow since birth,
for what its worth I'm a bull , full of undying love for work
I won't smirk or be a **** just there to do the job
I'm no heart throb, or even a slob
I just hate school, I don't find it a tool
more like a rule, 13 years of learning, earning a place in society
I know I'll never be top dog just a lower frog
I'll be a mower, if thats what I have to
my view of life isn't how successful I am
that's just a scam
****, If I'm happy
life can't be ******
I wrote this during in-school suspension my freshman year, I cannot believe I will be graduating this spring.
luapharas Sep 2015
I was taught in school that kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray,
but kissing you is like taking a long drag after a rough day at work.
luapharas Nov 2014
I spit fire
only wanting to inquire the truth
not one true statement out of your mouth
liar
our relationship is headed south
in dire need of our mother
get back on track
teetotal your way back to reality
I'm baffled, those perplexed nights
you disappear without a word
smoldering coals of anger arise
  *and    i     spit       fire
luapharas Apr 2015
I'm franticly searching for a bit of oxygen, I'm suffocating
these dreams are drowning me,
no surprise, I fall asleep at night stalking along the shoreline
I wake up, surrounded by salt water.
your words sent me asphyxiating
choking on what to say next.
this constant wave of emotions is no longer worth
a relationship that there is no hope in catching.
luapharas Nov 2014
its thanksgiving, two thousand fourteen
I listen to "Alices restaurant"
the full eighteen minutes and sixteen seconds, in remembrance
of how thankful I was to have a father, like you.
every thanksgiving from before I can remember, my father listened to the  full song "alices restaurant" by arlo guthrie on the radio
luapharas Feb 2019
Valentines day, oh valentines day.

A day where even people in relationships, can feel unwanted-unloved.

A holiday that eats me to the core, every **** year.

A memorable day, years ago.

In school, they always sold carnations.

The antisipation every week they sold, kids spending their parents money for a simple flower for their sweetheart, best friend, or a aquatince.

February 14th, all the flowers get passed out.

Every year, everybody got one.. expect me.

Going home, feeling alone, and no one to talk to.

My father would always have a valentine waiting for my sisters and I.

Although, when they came home with flowers as well...my father could see the hurt in my eyes behind the "thank you so dad" in my voice.

He would always put a little extra note in mine "you're a good one, kiddo"

6 years later, I dont receive valentines.

With his passing, came even more deviation on this holiday.

I cant seem to shake this feeling.

I'm lost, with no direction.

Still feeling 15, at almost 22.

Alone.

This day makes me miss the old days.

RIP Daddio, fly high free bird.
luapharas Sep 2015
I’m guilt-ridden over wanting what I don’t have
n’ not being appreciative of what I’ve got
scenery is all based on perspective
don’t need a view when you’ve got sweet tunes to relax the mind
cavity craving anything with a good beat

and lyrics that mean something

spend hours flowing from genre to genre

exploring the sounds of new and old
these tunes 
pound through my headphones

feeling the beat through my veins

as though my heart beats 
to every drum solo 

I hum when I'm happy

from sappy love songs 
to classic rock
 
Im no good with small talk

lets get high and talk about life 
to death,
and everything i n
 b e t w e e n

put on some jams, 
smoke a couple grams, 
and just be 
happy
luapharas Apr 2015
I try to escape from the thought of you,
yet I keep all of your things you left behind,
just in case you change your mind.
luapharas Oct 2014
home is love
broken home
broken hearts
luapharas Dec 2015
I want to make misery my *****, n' not my closest friend.
luapharas Sep 2014
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive you. The day you said that your own problem was because I was born, I heard gun shots strike me but no physical wound. All my life you’ve smacked me around with words like I hate you. Overall, I would have taken more   blows to the head than those bullets struck at me.  
Does my existence burden your entire life, starting at 6 years old?
Theres no halo hovering above me, I’m willing to admit what I’ve done. I wasn’t the perfect little sister, but I didn’t have an ideal role model either.
I could sit here and point the finger at you, but that’d make me nothing but a hypocrite.
I don’t hold you accountable for my self loathing, its my own mistake for letting you drag me down thinkin’ I’m nothing but dirt.
luapharas Dec 2015
When you're going the opposite way,
of the way you recognize everything seems to be a *whirlwind

— The End —