sometimes
i don't even want to die
but my mind
will tell me otherwise
my mind will say
"ask to use the bathroom
then jump from the stairs"
or
"make yourself a sandwich
and use the knife to cut yourself open"
or
"use hangers for your clothing
and the belt for yourself"
and it's not like i never tried
to fix this mind of mine
but my oh my
how the days have passed me by
and i am tired
so the stairs look nice
and so does the knife
and i haven't quite felt
the warm embrace of a belt
around my neck
is it my time yet?

I haven't been feeling like myself as of late.
It's rather a concern
You tell me to just stop and wait.
But what am I waiting for?
Am I waiting for my sadness to swallow me whole?
Why should I wait and see what's in store?
I'm cold.
So very very cold
My fingers are starting to mold.

I've been standing here for hours.
Not really knowing why.
Just watching as the snow falls around me
My breathe leaving my body like a cloud of smoke.

My hands are so cold they've turn red.
I can feel myself fading into the cold.
Something isn't right

I stand in the snow all night.
Waiting for something.
But I never knew what or why.

They found me in the morning. Just as the sun started to rise.
My frozen body laid peacefully in the snow
Small flakes against my still rosy cheeks

Winter is beautiful they always said.
Freezing to death was always a beautiful way to go I remember thinking.
My soul became a snowflake.
My body joined the air
My mind flew to the clouds.
Finally free and warm.
The cold icy wind no longer stinging my skin.

At last able to see what others always say.
The vast and beautiful winter wonders.

i miss the way fingertips felt against my cold skin
the soft touch that only a lover can provide
the kind of touch that can melt icebergs and start wildfires
i miss the sweet sound of whispered words that could start a revolution and the goosebumps that came with each mumbled "i love you"
i miss the feeling of drifting off in a pair of arms that transformed an embrace into a home and made a safety net around me as if protection could only exist within this space between fingertips and other ligaments
i miss the feeling that you provided
i miss the feeling of being wanted
i miss loving something, someone
i feel as if i have lost all sense of direction

when you’re little you learn not to touch the stove
once you have burned yourself on it once
but they never teach you about the fire that is disguised
as gentle and funny
with gorgeous brown eyes
that look at you with deep love and devotion
the kind of fire that you forget exists
until you are burned on it once again
never learning
until you are left with burns so deep
they will leave scars
to remind you to never trust anyone
because you never learned how to avoid
a fire in disguise

They say "When it comes to love, Never settle for less."

And it left me wondering
Why did you choose me?

“Did you take your meds this morning?”
Those words take back all the progress I’ve ever made.
My feelings are invalid because they are irrational.
Apperently having depression means that any emotion is dangerous
Apperently being medicated for it means that your negative emotions are a mistake.

“Did you take your meds this morning?”
My mother slaps when I’m not laughing singing and smiling at Breakfast.
Yes, I’m just calm.

“Did you take your meds this morning?”
My father shoots when I slam my door after an intense argument  
Yes, I’m just angry.

“Did you take your meds this morning?”
My friend spits when I cry over a deep broken heart
Yes, I’m just sad.

“Did you take your meds this morning?”
My brother taunts when I can’t talk to the cashier at Walmart
Yes, I’m just nervous.

Medications regulate emotions.
Medications do not erase emotion.
Emotions are valid, organic or controlled.