Cold, unforgiving.
My soul froze in time.
I gave love its last chance,
And clocks stopped.

The big hand contorted,
To mock my closing veins.
The small just pointed
And laughed in my face.

So I shattered all the timepieces,
Forbidding me to count the seconds alone.
In an hourless world,
I lost faith in hope.

The walls as my best friend.
My bed the only lover.
I'm content in waiting
For my torturous life to be over.

But you found me
Wrapped in passing seconds.
Prisoner to tic tic
Pacing in my head.

Where my skin
Tasted of decay.
And my claws retired
From scratching at the gates.

Given up on fighting,
Satisfied with thousand pound lungs.
A half timed beating,
Beneath my hollow ribs.

My souls began to thaw,
Clocks began to move.
All from your touch,
All from your air.

The big hand straightens.
And the small silences itself.
Opening my veins.
No more comically mocking my pain.

Your gentle hands piece together,
All the pieces I shattered.
Back to counting
All the seconds I'm alive.

My walls become acquaintances.
You replace my bed.
I'm not waiting,
This life won't end.

No longer bound
By the song of passing time.
Free from "tic toc",
It's a little less crowded in my head.

Warmth returns to my skin.
My hands click awake.
Not ready to scratch,
But to create.

There is no fight to give up.
Air quickly lifts my lungs.
There's a full paced beating,
Inside my glowing chest.

All because you touched me.
You kissed me.
With a calm fear,
You woke me from my sleep.

Pill number nine.
My head is pounding
And the room is spinning so fast,
I'm not sure which way is up.
My stomach is churning,
I can barely keep it's contents from
Making an appearance.
Nine, you better be worth this.

Pill number ten.
I can't take you.
I know the doctor said tonight,
But nine has me so sick
The thought of swallowing another pill
Just makes me gag.
You'll get your chance tomorrow.

Its back,
And I wish I could say
For one night only,
But the forecast shows
A messy week ahead of me.

Every day
The sun will burn bright
And a cool wind will
Bite my cheeks.

Every night
The sun will set
Like God dropped a bowling ball
And storm clouds
Will come rolling in.

The thunder will be deafening
With no lightning
To illuminate the blackness.
The rain will come in
Big, heavy drops
All at once.

No gradual crescendo.
No calming patter on rooftops.
Only a roar at my window
That will ****** me
To open it.

In the rumble
I can hear a whisper
Begging me to open
The floodgates and let the rain
Come rushing into my room.

Let it rise
Up the walls
Until I'm kissing the ceiling
Then sink to my bed,
Feeling content with my efforts.

I wrap the covers
Around me and lay my head down,
Passive to the water
Filling my lungs.
Comfortable in my
Burial at sea.

Don't worry though,
My room is still dry
And the window is closed.
But the latches are loose
And I'm not quick to repair.

Hurricanes as mine
Destroy without remorse
Terrorizing hearts
Making people run

But never once has someone
Held me
Told me I was safe

When my shelter crumbled
And clouds came rolling in
You were my safety

You held my bones together
Kept me all intact.
But now I'm coming unhinged.
My fingers are losing feeling,
Detached from who I am.

My dry tongue,
And teeth falling lose.
Can only make a slapping sound,
No cry for help.

My skin is so lonely
My hips go untouched.
I shiver so quick
I look frost bitten.
But really I'm just cold,
Without a warming touch.

I'm sorry I'm weak,
And can't keep my pace.
But it's all moving so fast
And I'm trying so hard
Not to fall behind.

I'm pushing my legs
As far as they will go.
And I know my slow knees,
Are holding you back.

I can't give you life,
But god, i can try.
To make you feel as deeply,
As fully as me.
I can't promise you much
Because I'm an unpredictable mess.

But I can promise
I'll give you all that I have.
Sacrificing my sanity
To keep yours intact.

My prayers have become
Begging cries.
Begging to god
To keep us alive.

Repenting the sins
I've scared myself for.
I came so close
To recovering my soul.

But you might as well be ******,
Or some other drug.
I itch for you
Return to my veins.
But with every drug
Comes a crash.

A weightless,
Glowing feeling,
When you get the first taste.
But really it's just poison,
Ruining your veins.

My teacher told us to draw
A place where we feel safe
I drew myself in your arms.

A word that bites.
It burns my ears
Whenever whispered.
It leaves a sour aftertaste
When I let it escape my lips.

A word that lives
And breathes on its own.
It can pick up a pen
And write itself out
With ink in whatever color it pleases.

I’ve seen it in red,
It wrote itself quickly.
Red like lips
That left their poison kiss
Burning like fire on my cheeks and wrists.

Not the kind that warms
Or gives light to the dark.
It’s a fire that starts behind your eyes
Than burns your body whole.
Red like my blood spilled after the ****.

I saw it in white,
Well I didn’t see it at all.
White ink won’t show
On white paper.
It wrote itself in a lie.

When in white
It’s used to disguise.
Trying to cover spilled black ink.
Covering the face of evil,
It was only a manipulative excuse.

It’s written itself out again;
Now slowly and in blue.
And blue is not an excuse.
It won’t use me until it’s tired
Then cut me and burn me like fire.

Blue is calm.
Blue wraps me in his arms.
Blue holds me
Until the storm passes.
Blue is the color it should be.

This word comes in so many colors.
It can be as red as it’s victim’s blood, Or a white lie.
But the only love I need is blue
And the only one who can write it is you.

A hug is so rare
The kind that can make you smile
And make you feel safe.

When I open up my thoughts and confide in you,
I'm not looking for a solution,
Or for anyone to fix me
I'm looking for a hug.

Because like you said
You're not my psychiatrist
Not my husband
You're just a boy.

And boys will come and go
None of them can fix me
I have to fix me
But all I wanted was a hug

Wanted to feel safe
Wanted to know you cared
But if you can't do that
Than I guess this is where we must part
And I will miss you.

I will miss dancing in your basement
Playing with your gecko
Listening to your thoughts
And what you have to say

Sometimes you don't make sense
But that's okay because it makes sense to you
And if you need someone to listen
I'll be here
And if you ever need a hug
I guess I'll show you the compassion
That you couldn't show me

It seems you were always a boat
A source of relief while I drown
We sailed in the sun
Drift in the breeze

But somehow I fell overboard
And you kept drifting without me
Oh please don't let me drown

I'm choking
My eyes are burning from the salt
Just throw me a ******* rope

Tell me all the things I want to hear,
Lie to me so I may rest easy.
I'll tell you you're the only one,
Than laugh about you when you're gone.
I push away your adoration and affection
Just to feel some power over my fickle heart.

Colorful creature, show me how to move
My envy drips from fingertips
When I watch you dance
It makes me laugh.

And you got such a pretty face,
The kind that could make angels cry.
Your eyes keep me up at night,
Thinking about how lovely it would be
If I was the one dancing behind them.
Baby do you think of me as much as I think of you?

The night captures my attention
When the sun forgets to shine.
We must learn to dance in graveyards,
To spin and twirl to the music of our madness.

Insanity so beautiful and easy,
So listen to your voices
And expel all your demons

I know it's dark
And I'm scared and alone
I pray and I hope I'm not on my own
Im falling down to my own little hell
Will you please fall with me?
You say I'm an angel tattered and scorned
And at times I wish I was never born
Could you fall with me?
Be by my side every day and night?
I know you can't promise peace
But with you I'll be alright
I'll burn with you
Let
The
Flames
Consume us
May death unburden us
Ease me of my pain
I'm killing the past
These things won't last
I can't change yesterday's pain
But you bring hope of brighter days
I'm falling with you

Please don't tell me its all in my mind,
That would mean i'm going crazy.
But what if everything that was in my mind,
Was written on me like a tattoo.
But what if it was so easy to tell,
The crazy from the average girl.
And what if i wore a badge,
Or maybe i do.
I wear these scars,
As a battle with my mind that i seem to have won.
But because the scars have not multiplied,
Does not mean that the battle has subsided.
The shots are still heard,
The blood is still spilled,
The screams are still shouted,
And the loss of feeling is still just as great.
At least in my mind.
In the mind of the one's who are crazy,
But do not wear the badge of guilt.
The scars i have acquired,
That are all too familiar.
Do not haunt the silent sufferers.
But scream my insanity to each passing opportunity,
That i am too afraid to take.

I saw that girl
That looks like you
The other day.

The one that was a freshman
When we were seniors.
The one who made me catch my breath
When I passed her in the hall.
Because I saw your face
In hers.

I would think
Always for a second
"Oh my god Alex!".
And remember that
It's not you.

I saw her last week
When I went out to dinner
With my parents.
And there you were
In my mind all night.

I'm telling you this
Because I never got to tell you
While you were still here
That you and I
Had much more in common
Than I ever thought.

I felt that pain too,
Yanno the kind of
Nausea and heartache
Of having your sense of self
Burned to ashes
In a few minutes.

I wish I could have
Told you
That I was in pain too
And that if we could
Hold on for one day at a time
We'll be okay

Two years tomorrow,
Alex.
God knows we all wish
We could have saved you,
But I think you saved me.

I’m losing grip on deeper thoughts,
I wish to stand on war torn fronts,
I turn away from all I’ve fought.

I cannot mask my clear remorse,
Un-satiated hungry fear.
I must leave this to run its course,
My dusty bones are crumbling here.

I am a force to all I love,
A fearful storm that leaves no trail,
A burden they cannot hold up,
My storm, it carries hell and hail.

Slipping back into the sea,
My mind is lost inside of me.

When I found my sacred place, I was content in the fact I would be undisturbed. The open grounds of the church sprawled out in front me and I ran. Green lush trees of the Abbey surrounded me and I was lost in my mind. Not in the way where I was terrified of the thoughts, but in the way that I couldn’t help staring at the pictures in my head this landscape prompted. It was quiet, except for the frequent screams of murders of crows. I was quiet and content, then I found out it would all be gone.

Here it comes again.
The "i think we should just be friends."
The "i can't do this right now."

I told you from the start.
I told you how
Whenever I opened my mouth
And let the thoughts come rolling out,
I was alone all over again.
Just me and my thoughts.

I told you why
I hold back the truth.
I hold back
The thoughts that could **** me.
Because no one wants to hear that.

But you said you would listen,
You told me to come to you.
And you'd always be there to hold me
When the thoughts came back.

I slowly started to believe you,
I let you see my cry.
I let you hold me like you said you would,
And your arms felt like home.

Something has changed,
Like you took back
All that you said.
Last night when I cried
Your arms didn't feel like home.
But it was like I was holding onto
Someone I don't even know.

What happened to your open ears?
When I told you my thoughts
I felt coldness in you.
Like your presence was telling me
"Just shut up."

Now you see what I mean
When I say i'm a burden.
I'm just something people
"deal with".
Until they get tired
Of listening to me cry.

I'm sorry
If my pain is inconvenient.
I'm sorry
That i'm a mess.
But you knew what you signed up for
When you said
What you said.

So hear I am,
Burden Girl.
Like Superman's
Suicidal sister.
I'm the disaster
He tries to clean up.
But I'm the best
At creating a mess.

They all just say
"I'm here for you."
But they always run
When they see the truth.

Please don't go kissing someone else's lips
Because I've been dreaming of yours
Every chance I get
How they feel pressed against my neck
With your hands on my hips
I'm dying for that back

Please don't go have some mindless ***
Because my mind is burdened
With the picture of my sheets a mess
How we laid together
I felt so close to you

Just please please
Don't go find someone new

It's all much too
Loud.
The world going by me
Is much too
Noisy.

There's already a consistent scream
Inside of me.
The last thing I need
Is to be in this world
With too many
Sounds.

So I hide
In my room all day.
I hide myself away,
Because when I hear
Everything that's happening outside,
How everything moves just fine,
I begin to lose my mind.

Why can't I move the same?
Why can't I become
Part of this well oiled machine?
I'll never fit into
The motions they all execute,
So I sit on the edge
Of their common reality
And watch it all turn.

I watch it
But it gets too much
It grows too loud
And now I have to hide again.
Hide myself from all the sounds
That start fires in my head.

Run
Little freak.
Run
Black sheep.

My ears are too sensitive
To be in anything but
Silence.
To be in anything but
Quiet.

The vibrations of the outside
Go in my sensitive ears
And amplify whatever is already
Being screamed in my
Tortured
Tormented
Time bomb
Mind.

Then they go to my eyes,
Well right behind
And build pressure
And pain
Until I have no choice but to
Cry.
Cry.
Little baby
Little freak
Little black sheep

All I want
Is to be wrapped
In your love.
Cover me with
Your safety
So I can finally
Rest easy.

Please let me
Hold onto you.
I'm so far from calm
And so close to the edge,
But holding you close
Brings me home again.

You'll never understand
What it's like for me.
I'm the one who cares too much,
Always have been
Always will be.

I love you so deeply
And I love you so
Unconditionally,
That I'm afraid my love
Won't stop
Even when you've had enough.

I sing your name in my sleep
And my hands wander
In search of yours.
Where are you now?
I need you here.

I love you so much,
That I cry because it hurts.
It hurts to know i'm trapped
In your binding curse.

I cry because I know
That I'm a pathetic mess
And you're so perfect
That your picture
Won't leave my head.

You're too good for me
And every one can see
That I'm just a freak
And you're a masterpiece.

I'm just an admirer
Lost in your light.
It's so bright
It keeps me up at night.

Please tell me you love me
The same way I love you
Even if it's a lie
Even if it will never be true.

I love you like an addict
Loves getting high.
I love you like the moon
Loves changing tides.

I know you'll never love me
With the pain that  
I love you.
But you could at least try
To pretend that you do.

You haven't even left yet
And I'm drowning in my tears.
My love is so complete
It fills me with fear.

I'm so terrified
That one day you'll be gone.
You'll be happy
And I'll never
Move on.

You'll find a girl
Who'll never love like me.
But at least she's normal
And not an emotional freak.

At least she's pretty
And at least she's sane,
But her love will never
Be as true as mine.

So please let me hold you
While I still have time,
Because I know when I blink
You'll no longer be mine.

You'll be tired of me
And all my insanity.
You'll leave even though
You promised you loved me.

You said you wanted a future
With me.
And you said I'm the first one
To make you believe
That love doesn't have to hurt.

My love will always hurt
Because my heart is fragile.
So please handle with care.
Let it down gently
To avoid further breaking.

What am I saying?
It's already broken
Because I can see the future
And I can see the truth.
I'll never be good enough
For you.

I can see you walk away
As I begin to die.
I can see you letting go
Every time
I close my eyes.

I'm sorry I'm like this,
I know I'm too much.
I know I'm too ****** up
For someone to ever love.

when my hands turn to claws
and my eyes burn red
i sometimes cant hold back
the things that i have said

the fear of unrequited love
of losing someone so dear
is always so present
always so near

and im still learning
to push these delusions aside
to just breathe and be with you
and let the seas have
a calmer tide

its these past fer days
i'v been under so much weight
the bad thoughts cant hide
from everything attacking me from the outside

so i attack myself
and i didn't mean for you to feel the shrapnel
for you to see the blood
but i'm drawing a treaty of my sides
the irrational and logical
logic is in charge now
irrationality has surrendered

now we can be happy again
we can be like we were before
you made me fight even harder
fight this war for you

People will often say
That those who have trouble
Letting others in
Are "guarded".

And maybe that's true
In most cases.
They wear an emotional
Suit of armor
And build imaginary walls
Around their hearts.

I also have trouble
Letting people get close.
But I would not,
In any circumstances,
Say that I am "guarded".

To call someone "guarded"
Insists that they are protected,
Safe from harm.
That's where the word loses its
Relevance to me.

I am not protected.
Not in the slightest.
I wear no suit of armor
And have no walls
Around my heart.

I'm as vulnerable as a baby deer
Who's lost it's mother
And broke it's leg.
I am susceptible
To any and all types of injury.

I am not safe from harm
Or impervious to heartbreak.
In fact,
I'm fragile.
My heart is brittle
And will break as easily as glass.

I have trouble letting people in,
But I am by no means "guarded".
I have trouble letting people in
Because I am extremely unguarded.

I am not protected or safe,
But I am evasive.
Which is probably
The smartest thing to be,
For people like me.

I run from danger
And emotional intimacy
Because I know
I'm too frail
To handle being mistreated
Or left alone.

After letting myself fall
Over and over again,
I've learned that love
Is not worth the pain
It inevitably causes.

I am done risking
My delicate soul
To feel close to someone.
At least for now,
I don't want to love
Or be loved by anyone.

For now,
I'm still recovering.
I'm still learning how to live
With myself and without the
Infatuation of someone
Who will most likely end up
Being nothing but a memory.

I won't correct you
If you call me "guarded".
But those who do not wish
To be emotionally close
Are not always so hardened.
Sometimes they're soft
And scared of the world around them.

It'll be two years soon.
Two years,
Five psychiatric medications,
Six relapses,
20 pounds lost and gained,
And lost again,
And one suicide attempt.

And now I'm here,
Still trying to wash your fingerprints
Off of my bruised skin.
Trying to forget your voice
And the feeling of your grip
On my wrists and throat.

Two years later
And I still can't bring myself
To say the word out loud.
The R word.
Two years later and I still
Tell myself
"You idiot, you should have known."

Two years later
And every time I pass your house
On the way to see my psychiatrist
I have half a mind
To burn it to the ground.
To throw rocks in your windows.
To slash the tires
On your red jeep.

Maybe by next year
I'll stop seeing you in my dreams.
I'll stop feeling your hands
All over me.
I'll stop hearing
Your voice breaking through tears
Telling me you love me.

Maybe by next year
The scars from when
I locked myself in your bathroom
And tore myself apart
Will fade completely.
Maybe by next year
I'll actually be able
To say the word "****".

You want closer?
You want deeper?
You want me to stop hiding?

I stopped hiding long ago
I cut myself open
So you could see
All the deepest parts of me

I poured myself out
So you could taste me
And know what flavors
Assemble me

But you withdraw
Distance yourself
Reinforce your walls
And ask me to
Know you.

I'm digging
And fighting
To reveal you
But I cannot force you
To unlock your doors

I cannot dig tunnels
Under your walls
I cannot chase you in circles
If you do not want to be caught

I did my part
I bled myself dry
Now it's your turn

Don't put me behind glass
And tell me it's my fault
That we lack a deeper connection

If you want something rooted
In truth
In love
You have to tell me who you are

My therapist says i need to be honest
i need to tell everyone the truth
about how i feel
what goes through my mind.

im so lonely and distant
and the only way to get close
is to be honest.
but i cant
im not sure why i cant

i cant tell him how im dying inside
i smile and blow a kiss
but i have killed myself a thousand times
in my mind

"surface relationships"
thats what she calls them
doctor know it all
doctor get inside my head
doctor please fix me

maybe im just a freak
she tells me not to say that
but the idea of letting someone see  my pain
is so terrifying

anyone whose seen me bleed
tried to stitch me up
stop the gore
or brush me off

and i cant do it again
i cant get close
once i do
they disappear
even if they didnt want to
they were gone

and sometimes im the one who leaves
i dont know why that is either
because im just a freak

i bat my lashes
and put on my red lipstick
smile and laugh
like a babbling idiot
when all i want to do is die
and i dont know why

I'm toxic,
And you're too close.
You're closing in,
On a dangerous thing.
Bring a shield,
Or some protective gear,
Because my radiation
Has a radius of countless miles.

You're diving in,
To the deepest parts of me.
And I'm scared you'll leave.
Everyone runs,
When they see that I'm ****** up.
But I'm hoping you'll stay,
If only for just one more day.

You've heard the distant shots
Of war.
But I'm hesitant
To show you my wounds.
The scars I collected,
They're a terrible sight.
But I'm addicted to war,
Like a traumatically stressed warrior.

To be scared,
It keeps me alive.
To fear my own mind.
To worry I might die.
This is how I survive.
What a way to live,
On the edge of falling words.

But I need to feel the burn,
The stinging sensation.
Keeping quiet,
Keeps me busy.
Fire keeps me on my feet.
Running in circles,
The tiring race
Is better than defeat.

deep inside me
there are words
that have been buried
under mountains of anxiety.

they make me sick
as i try to fight them,
hold them down,
keep them silent.

they're begging me
to uncover them,
to throw away fear
so they can breathe.

but i can't
i can't
i can't let them see the sun
its much too harsh for
how fragile they are

i swallowed my fear,
ignored my sadness,
laughed off my self loathing,
and danced on the edges of my instability.

now I'm sick to my stomach
with a growing tremble that demands
I pay attention.
my jokes have gotten old
and i can no longer pretend
i don't have two left feet.

i've been traversing this landscape
with my eyes closed,
and so far my steps have been lucky.
so lucky, to any onlooker
it might seem I can see just fine.

finally the reality of the situation
has found its way to my heart
and my hands.
i'm wandering alone,
bare to elements
and completely blind.

the late onset of my panic
could be a product of shock.
i've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off
for the past three months.

for three months i've been
burying any negative feeling
or thought
deep inside this decaptitated body of mine.

but holy hell,
i'm bleeding out
and the shock has worn off.
my eyes are open to vastness
that is unfolding in front of me,
and i'm still just as lost.

This feels like dying
It feels like I'm ******* falling

I'm no good
I'm a monstrous mess
I'm a lifeless ghost
I'm a waste of space

The pounding in my chest has slowed
And I long for it to stop
The voices in my head are quiet
And I beg for them to scream
This pain has brought me to life
And I beg for it to end

My words aren't so pretty anymore
I've run out of beautiful ways
To say I want to die

It's not like a song you've ever heard
Or a song you'll ever want to hear
But it caught my ear when I first heard it sing

It sang in my head
The voices whispered it quietly
Curiosity urged me
Listen closer

A slow crescendo wrapped me
I was intoxicated by the gore that filled me
Before I could make it stop
The song had etched it's bars
It's time signature
It's key
Deep in my veins
Deep in my bones
It's taken over my brain

My body has become the instrument
That plays this addicting song
A woodwind perhaps
A string maybe
But all I know is this one song

Dead hands play symphonies
For dying hands to be
Please don't follow me
Don't listen to my song
You will become addicted
You will learn how to play
Please don't become the composer
Of your own suicide song

You’re annoying,
And offensive,
And loud,
And rude,
Yet entertaining,
And funny.
You’re thoughtful,
And deep,
And passionate,
And strong.

You keep me safe,
When my hope is gone.
You drive me crazy,
But keep me sane.
I lose sleep at night,
Because I can only think you’re name.

My mind is messy,
But you don’t care.
I need you,
Like my lungs need air.
I love your smile,
Your goofy laugh.
And how you let me play with your hair.

I know its hard right now,
Because you’re so far away.
But I promise,
It will all be better,
Some day.

I don't know what to say
because after all is well,
my mind goes blank
at the end of every day.

Once I step into my room
and close my door for the night,
the feeling I thought was left behind
rises again with the moon.

Each day brings new color
or at least each day tries
but the sun goes down
and the colors turn white.

Its white in my mind.
all the empty space gives opportunity
for the dark parts of me
to show what colors they bring.

its all red

i know what my problem is,
what my problem has always been.
i hate myself
in every way possible.

i hate the way i look
but thats just the surface.
i hate the way i think
and feel the most.

my mind twists everything
into an unrecognizable image
and tells me that this is the way
things are and have to be.

and i feel with such despair
that my heart renders
my mind useless
in the face of fear.

i can't talk myself
out of a panic
because my heart is so loud
that reason is lost in the sound.

so i hide my heart
and my mind
and i do what i can
about the way i look.

but it's not as easy
when my heart
and mind demand to be heard
when my composure
wears off at night.

then i turn into
the pathetic disaster
i've always been.
the mess of a person
that i've kept hidden.

and believe me,
i want to change.
because i know
that asking someone to love me
the way i am
is far too great a task.

who could look at a person
that screams curses
at the mirror with such relentless
sadness and hate
and decide to love them?
well i was hoping you could.

i don't know if that's
too much to ask,
for someone so beautiful
to love such a mess.

am i way
out of line
to wish that you
would hold me and tell me
that everything is fine?

should i leave such desires
for daydreams and poetry?
because my stupid heart
wants me to beg you
to stay and love me.

I find it hard to believe
Something so healing
could be so harmful

I can't see why it would matter to anyone
How I medicate with self prescribed medicine
I don't see why you would care

Whats the difference
If I drown myself in water or alcohol
I'm still going to die

I've been laying in bed for hours
Pretending you were still here
With your arms wrapped around me
Whispering how much you love me
In my ear

I do this every night
Curl up to your ghost
Pretend you never left
Because I needed you the most

And I still need you
Because every day it gets harder to breathe
You filled my lungs with air
I didn't want to leave

But it hurt too much to be without you
And I knew love was dangerous
But just like you said
It's socially acceptable madness

Well I'm out of my mind
Completely off the rails
But it never bothered you
And I let this love fail

Falling in love wasn't what I had planned
But now that we're falling apart
All I want is to hold your hand

You made me break my own rules
Forever was a forbidden word
It had only ever brought me hurt

Hardened and guarded
I tried to shut you out
But I kept falling deeper

I'm not the same person
Not the heartbreak kid
You broke my walls and I got scared

I didn't want to lose that power
But now you have my heart
I keep falling deeper
And we're still falling apart

Could there be something
In my head
That only my hands know about?

Because I'm not sure why
They refuse to stop
Tearing at my skin
Even when I begin to bleed
And start to beg.

Are my hands trying
To set something free
That's been locked inside me?
Or are they just performing
The will of my secret thoughts?
Destroying me without
My say in the matter.

I don't know why
I'm trying to analyze this.
It's just a nervous tick.

I'm terrified you'll find someone else
Even hook up with someone else
Honestly even to kiss someone else
To touch someone else

Because you are my only
The only one my skin
My lips
And my body thirst for

And I really hope
I'm your only too

I'm so sorry
I'm
So *******
Sorry
That I'm not as resilient
As I wish I could be

I'm so
**** sorry
That the world
And all its insignificant strings
Affect me so deeply

Even just simple sounds
And familiar sights
Make me feel like
I'm losing my
******* mind

I don't mean to
Cry so much
But it's almost like
My eyes don't care
What you think
Of me

I choke on tears
I hold them tightly
Inside me
And they knock
On the inside
Of my skull

They want to be
Free
They want to
Fall on your
Shoulders
And drench your
Shirt

They want to be
Seen
And heard
And loved
Just like
Me

I'll admit it
Because it's all
I have
This desire to be held
And understood
Unconditionally

Even as I write
As I type
My tears drip
Silently
Onto your bed

****
Why can't i
Keep them inside me
With the rest of the
Thoughts
I can't begin
To speak

They're so stupid
And so am I
For wanting to
Exist without question
Without depression

I'm so stupid
To want to be
Loved

To want to be
Secure
In your hands
And heart

In your mind
And in your bed
Would be heavenly

Like the way
You kiss me
Heavenly

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm
So
Sorry
That I'm such a
Stupid baby

I'm holding my breath.
But I don't know for what anymore.
Oh my god I can't breathe.
You've takin all the good parts of me,
My lungs won't work,
And my heart always hurts.
But I keep holding on,
I still pray this isn't the end.
I still want what we always said,
Just me and you far away
And the world can't stop us now.

But for right now,
I can't ******* breathe.

Breathe
It will pass
Breathe
This isn't forever
Breathe
It's only chemicals
Breathe
The air will come back
Breathe
You will be able to stand
Breathe
The thoughts won't **** you
Breathe
You are safe here
Breathe
I swear you'll be okay
Breathe
Maybe not today
Breathe
But I promise
You'll be okay

I'm still just as lost,
But there's a light in the wood.
These days I haven't seen much sleep.
I'm at a loss of dreams.
But silence is better than my nightmares.
I'm still that drowning mermaid.
Now I'm learning to breathe.
The ships have sailed and I'll never reach shore.
Still, I'm addicted to the sting of the salt.
Can't swim but I can float,
Let this lingering shadow man carry me.
One day he may let me go,
For now this friend won't leave my side.

Now I'm meeting old friends too.
I was convinced my friends had left me.
It seems like a reunion in my room,
And I the unwilling host.
This room is crowded,
But at least I'm not lonely.
I want the light to burn them up,
You are only a spark.

If I abandon my room,
If I get lost I won't mind.
At least I'm free.
So I'll wait for my time,
When it's time to run.
My friends won't stop me.

"I should be doing something",
I say to myself
As I lay in bed
And stare out the window.

"Go do something",
I beg myself
As I pace in circles
Around the kitchen.

"Get it together",
I command myself
While sitting on the floor
Watching the front door.

"You know there are things
You could be doing,
You should be doing.
Things that will help you
Become the person
You're so desperate to be.
Get up and do them."

I insist to myself
As I take off my makeup
And get in bed,
Pulling the sheets over my head.

What is this life?
I’m confused, where am I?
I don’t know what my purpose is.
Not yet.

If these walls would talk,
About a hardened heart,
That pumps boiling blood.
And eyes that wandered.
And a terrible, horrible mind.
They would tell you that a light is hard to find
When you're consumed by emptiness

They've seen me sit in front of the mirror,
At ungodly hours of the night
And cry and scream and pray.

They've seen me try to shake myself from my inward terror.
Try to convince myself that it's not real,
They're not real,
The monsters aren't real.

They've heard me scream
"Get out of my head!"
At the mirror trying to reach what lived inside of me.
They've watched me scratch at my skin,
Trying so hard to get whatever demon that had possessed me out so I could face it.
And tell it to go back to hell.

And if I could talk back to these walls,
Id tell them they are my best friends.
The only ones that have ever seen the dark sides that I have so kept hidden and laughed about.
But they were the only ones that heard me cry and they are the only ones that know what I've done at those ungodly hours.
How I tortured myself,
How I called some stupid help line because I didn't have anyone to call.
I've been so lonely and I can now understand why,
No person will ever be close enough to see what they have seen.

The beat of your drums,
Echos the beat of my heart.
The strength of your voice,
Comforts my mind.
The strum of your chords,
Sways my soul back and fourth.
The depth of the bass,
Pulls me back from my depths.

Its so much more than music to me.