The pressure behind my eyes swells
Like the tide under a full moon.
Waves crack against my rocky shores
And shatter over me.
Shards wash away
But most stay lodged in my bleeding heart.

And I love you anyway.
I love you despite your inconsistency
and insensitivity.
I love you even though
I can't stand too close
Without feeling worthless.
I love you even though
You're radioactive.

I love you despite the fact that you never
Held me the way I needed you to.
You were never there
The way I was there for you.
When I needed you the most,
You looked into my crying eyes
And walked away.
But I love you anyway.

I needed you a lot
And maybe I was too clingy.
But maybe i wouldn't have held
Onto you so tightly
If I could be sure you would be there
When I reached for you.

You always knew
That I would drop anything
And everything to be there for you.
But you never gave me that security.
Still, I love you

I love you even though
I can't be sure of
Who you are anymore.
You used to show me how you felt
You used to let me know.
But you've become so robotic
I'm not sure you feel a thing anymore.
And I love you.

You used to smile
You used to laugh
Now your eyes are empty
Except for racing calculations.
Always thinking
Never feeling.

You're barely human anymore,
Just a machine
That won't stop spewing
And fixing things that aren't broken.
Yet, I love you.

And you wonder why
Your friends are gone
You wonder why you feel so alone.
You won't reach anyone
Where they need to be felt.

And I love more than anything.
I love you like I might die tomorrow.
I love you even though you don't love me anymore.
I love you even though you broke promises you never made.
I love you even though you don't deserve my love anymore.

How would one go about
Saying that they
Hate themselves
Without sounding too pathetic
Or melodramatic?
Asking for a friend.

Where did I go?
How is it that I don't know
Where all the conscious parts of me
Have decided to take leave?

My mind has floated
To the corners of space
And left my hollow body
Wandering in its place.

It's looking for
What used to dwell inside.
But it seems this thing,
My mind,
Has decided to hide.

It sounds crazy
But at least some part of me
Has always been floating freely.

Now all of me is gone
And I'm realizing I cannot be,
I cannot live
In two places at once.

I'm trying to pluck myself
Out of the vastness
I've been losing myself in
And return that self
To my body.

But is there any way to do this
Without causing harm?
Without wounding myself
And those I love?
Is there any way
To tie myself down
That does not require pain?

If there is,
I'd like to know how.

My heart is embarassing.
It bleeds and cries
And loves too strongly
For it's own good.

It loves as if
It has never been broken,
As if it has forgotten
The countless times
It's been left bruised
And bloodied,
Half alive.

It loves so unconditionally
That I've let myself
Be tossed to the wind
And returned to the ground
At the whims of mere memories.

It loves so pathetically
That I do all I can
To make sure my love
Does not come spilling
Out of my mouth
For onlookers to see.

I keep my passions
And my aches away from the world
So that I don't overwhelm
Everyone else
With the love that overwhelms me.

I can't just say how I feel
I can't just open my gates
Because as much as you would like to believe
That everything inside me is beautiful,
It's as ugly as anything could ever be.

I can't just let you know
How pathetically
Embarrassingly
Ridiculously
In love with you I am.

What if you don't feel the same?
That's a stupid question
I'm sorry
I know no one could ever love me
With the sadness I love them

When there's nothing to do,
I'm held captive by my mind.
It won't let me forget,
How you looked with tears in your eyes.
How I couldn't even say goodbye

You say you'll still be here,
But it won't be the same.
You said whatever I need,
But what I need is to be held.
I need to believe everything's okay.

I hope it kills you when you think of me.
Cuz you've made it hard to breathe.
Every car I hear,
I pray to God it's you.
Coming to say you need me too

You're confused
Well I am too
I feel so stupid
An idiot for you.
Here I am, head over heels.
And there you are,
Making me wish I couldn't feel.

I don't blame you,
I'm a medicated mess.
But the drugs can't clean this up,
They can't make it go away.
Stay
Stay
I need you to stay

My stomach feels sick
My lungs too heavy.
Cure me please,
I'm not one to beg.
Come back,
Please stay.

i sometimes think
that i've defeated the reaper
that lives in my finger tips.
the reaper that commandeered my hands
and made them weapons of
self destruction.

he lies dormant
long enough to convince me
that he's found another home.  
but he takes me hostage
every now and again
to remind me he's here.

i forgot the thoughts
of an early death
and lived like i was planning
for next year.
i've been expecting a future
that i'm not sure exists.

but the reaper has made me
recall the consideration
that i may not be fit to live
a life as long as i would like.

as of right now
i have no plans to interrupt this life
with eternal sleep.
but i cannot promise
that in some time
the reaper will not convince me.

so while he sleeps
while i still have time
theres so much
i need to do before i die.

i need to feel love
without the fear
of that love being expunged.
i need to find my God
whether he be the one
i've been shown or not.

i want so badly
to look at myself
the same way
i look at a flower.
i want so badly to see
what others say they see in me.

i've always wanted
to be something good.
a good daughter,
lover,
friend.

and i have this desire
to help where i can
and not need any myself.
i want to matter
in a life besides my own
and hold value above my worth.

i don't want to
be a burden anymore.
i don't want to be
a pressing responsibility on anybody.
i don't want the few i love
to feel obligated to pick me out of
my own disasters.

i worry i won't fulfill
these aspirations in time.
the reaper will wake
and take control again
this time with the force
of ten thousand men.

ten thousand men
wielding my hands
instead of swords.
they turn my hands against me
as they had been turned before.

this time i will not survive.
such an incredible might
will devour and destroy
this fragile self i defend.

but what does it matter
what i want?
theres so much more
things that are so much bigger
than the desires of a deranged
little girl

I didn't want to open my eyes. The sight of him made me sick. I hated his short, hairy legs. I hated his eyes. They looked at me with sadness, but sadness couldn't hide the evil that stared at me. I hated the way they looked hollow and dark when he took his glasses off. I hated his beard. It scratched my skin when he tried to kiss me. And when he thrusted his lips at mine, hoping i wouldn't run.

I hated his hands the most. His hands radiated with his disgusting desire. Every time he touched me, from the day we first met, i knew something was wrong. Maybe i was just being too "closed off". Thats what my dad always said when i didn't let him hug me. When he touched me, i could see his hands for what they really were. Slimy tentacles, lusting for their prey.

I should have seen it coming, the things his hands did. They hit me. I saw stars and my ears rang. They scratched me. The marks would be there for days. They gripped my throat so tight i could feel my life slipping away as my vision went dark. He released just before i passed out, letting me breathe.

Sometimes i wish he had kept choking me. I wished he had killed me that day, putting an end to my torture.

All the pain and lack of oxygen made me weak. Too weak to try to fight. He was bigger and stronger. And i was just a battered little girl, terrified and trapped. I couldn't get away. And who would hear me if i screamed? We were alone and i was pretty sure he'd keep hurting me if i tried. He restricted my breathing every time i made a sound.

So i just laid there. I closed my eyes, pretending i was dead. I waited for it to be over, trying to **** my mind. I didn't want to feel a thing. I didn't want to be there. If i could somehow slip into death in my head, i wouldn't have to be here anymore. Killing myself in my head was the only escape from my terrible reality.

It was over and he drove me home. He tried to talk to me. He tried to reassure me that everything was okay and i wasn't a bad person.
"Don't feel guilty, he doesn't have to know." He kept talking but i was silent. In an emotionless trance, my face was still and unexpressive. Tears came slowly and silently. They rolled down my stone cheeks, my statue of a face.

What just happened? Did he forget the events of the last hour? Did I?
"Don't feel guilty. He won't know."
Had i just cheated on my boyfriend? What have i done?

He made me think that i was the one to blame. I'm a ****. *****. Disgusting cheater. What did i do? I hate myself. I deserve to die.

I knew the truth. I knew what happened. I knew what he did and i knew how horrible it felt. So how was he able to convince me that this was my fault? Was it because i didn't want to think about that word? ****.

No, i had not been *****. I cheated and I'm a horrible person. He means the world to me and i am a horrible ****. That's what i told myself. And didn't tell anyone else anything about cheating or ****. It's a terrifying word. Once the reality is seen.

tell me what you need,
my love,
and i'll break
bend
reconfigure my bones for you.

instead
you hold my head
under the waves
and tell me to
"just breathe".

you wanted something more
so i gave you everything i have
but you forgot to give me
what you've been carrying.

now my head is pounding
and all i can feel
is your hand on my leg
holding me close
and your words in my ear
casting me out to sea.

what more can i do
to dig my way close to you
how many layers
of twisted wire
do i have to sift through
to see your heart.

you see mine
in all its bleeding glory
but i'm not sure you even know
that you've built a bridge to your heart
but impossible riddles keep us all from crossing.

i don't want to beg,
but please,
don't push me away

the terror your eyes make me feel,
is unmatched by any physical danger.
no height nor fire could make me shake and drip like you do

and I suppose it's not your fault,
but I sleep in oceans and mediate on dancing.
your smile makes me fear for my life
and your touch makes me want to die

but please don't blame yourself baby
for you can't be held responsible for the tempest, she follows me
and this fleeting kiss has been an unmitigated dream.

but lastly that voice
oh that voice,
the one i could listen to for years
is but a siren song
leading me to the rocks where i am foreordained to capsize

I don't want to be this way,
Scared and on edge,
With my heart
And my mind
Locked far away.

But what can I do?
I'm battling with
Logic and love
All while trying not to bleed
In front of you.

I'm sorry
That I'm not brave enough,
I'm not strong enough,
To leave behind
My defense mechanisms.

But if you just stay,
Maybe soon I'll stop
Being so afraid
Of what I have to say.  

If you keep holding me,
Maybe the chains
That bind me
To this weight of fear
Will dissolve slowly.

If you keep loving me,
I'll rip my heart out
And let you keep it.
Sorry if that's too gory.

Please keep loving me,
Because I can feel
The darkness
Beginning to recede.
I can feel myself
Opening to the love
I've been dying to receive.

Falling in love
Feels quite literally
Like a fall.

Like you're stable
And balanced,
Then the ground
You're standing on
Is ripped right out
From under your feet.

Traveling at a terrifying speed
Directly to solid ground,
You begin to ask yourself
"Who will catch me?".

If you're lucky,
You'll land in someones arms
And walk with them
Knowing that if the ground disappears again,
Your fall will be broken
By their embrace.

And if you're not lucky,
Well I'm happy to report
That your fall doesn't end
With a splat
And a ****** mess,
Even though you may wish
It did.

No, for those of us
Who don't land in someone's arms....
Well, we don't land at all.
Gravity keeps pulling
But you never touch
The ground.
We keep falling,
Racing through space
To what should be,
What we hope will be
Our demise.

I keep falling,
Fully aware that the person
Who could break my fall
Is not waiting for me
To come plummeting into their arms.
Who knows where they are.

It may take you a while
But when you realize
That no one is going to catch you,
You might as well relax
And enjoy the eternal
Skydive.

I'm drowning again,
In things I haven't said.

My teeth like bars
And my mouth like a prison,
Everything I feel
Is kept within.

All my sadness,
And all my fears,
All my paranoia,
And unconditional love,
All held captive in my
Penitentiary mouth.

And it seems so stupid
To keep it all
Locked away,
But I feel even dumber
When I let my thoughts
Slip through the cracks in my teeth.

But I'm only human
And I need to know
That the way I feel
Is justified because
I feel it.

I'm only human,
And teeth don't make
Effective dams.
Tidal waves
Of feeling I've swallowed
Come pouring out my eyes
When I'm alone at night.

And you want me to show you?
You want to see
What it looks like
To feel like me?

I'm only a girl
With a fragile heart
So hold it gently.
Hold me closely
And make me believe
That it really is okay
To be like me.

In between a dream
I heard your name whispered
In between reality
I had a scary trip

Brain scrambled
Consciously confused
I was in between

Mid sleep
I tremble awake
The voices have found me
In between my sanity

I have no more safe place
No more escape
The voices found me
In between

I keep trying to bring myself back
From wherever my mind is
And put myself back in my body,
Back in this world.
But it doesn't seem to be working.

I wander outside
And name everything
I can see or hear.
In an attempt to make some connection
To the physical world around me.
But I can't.

I run my fingers through grass,
Study leaves closely,
Stick my hands in frigid water,
But still nothing is able
To bring my mind out of the hole
It's fallen into.

Talking to someone,
Being around people,
Maybe that would force me out
Of my mind and into real life.
It's a shame I'm so alone though.

The only other thing
I can think of
That could maybe help me
Reconnect with reality
Would bring more disturbance
To my already distressed state.

But it's so tempting

how do i look at myself
and say
"this is okay.
the way you feel,
the way you think,
is okay."

how do i stop
telling myself
that i've always been
and will always be
too much?

can i change the way
i feel about myself
without changing
who i am?

can i learn
to appreciate my bleeding heart
and overzealous mind?

god
please tell me
that this is how you made me
and that how i am
is okay to be.

god
touch my heart
and heal my eyes
so that i am at peace
with all the things
i can't stand to be.

how do i stop
wishing that everything
about me was different?

How did I turn into this?
How did I wake up one morning,
Suddenly afraid I was going to live?

I have the whole universe
Inside of me.
And dear god,
I'm lost in space.

I'm drowning in this
Lack of gravity.
And my lungs are collapsing
From all the pressure the cosmos create.

I keep getting caught
In the tangled webs of galaxies
I do not wish to be.
I keep getting too close
To stars that burn too bright.

I see planets in the distance.
They have beautiful rings
And multitudes of moons.
They draw my gaze but that is all.

I don't know how to navigate
In this infinite abyss.
I don't know how to propel myself
In the directions of these alluring planets.

If only it were as easy as wishing
On a shooting star.
Because I pass them
And they pass me daily.

If only I had slept
With the windows closed.

I want to love you
But I know I'm gonna die.
It's always been a dream
To die by your side.
Holding hands as I slip away,
I'm sorry that I couldn't stay.

You've done me wrong
And I can see that now.
But I still feel you here somehow.
Like drugs in my blood,
What have you done?
Your face flashes before my eyes,
Even months after I've said goodbye.

The nights I don't sleep,
I'm thinking of you.
This bed could be my tomb.
Cuz I'm dying here,
This was always my fear.

That one day you'd be too far gone,
And I live every day in your song.
Under your spell,
I guess you know me too well.
You know I could never stay away,
That's why you don't ever beg me to stay.

You know I'll be back,
But I'm scared that I won't.
Then you'll move on,
And I pray you don't.
Don't find someone new,
Because I'll never really get over you.

You were the first,
And I pray you'll be the last.
I don't know how,
But I'm trying to come back.

You made me sick with pain,
I nearly went insane.
But that's how love works,
It catches you; then it hurts.

And you're worth it all,
Every ache that made me fall.
On my knees screaming,
To whatever God will listen,
"Please make the pain fleeting".

So I let be,
And I let God take me.
Hoping he takes me to you.

My saving grace,
This holy place.
You vandalize my sanctuary,
And burn me into ash.

I know what you do,
I remember how we met.
It makes me sick,
To think you'd go back.

i showed you every part of me,
And all you did was leave.
How could this all change,
Just within a week.
The first real thing you've ever had,
And the last heartbreak I'll ever have.

I swear to god,
This won't happen again.
I swear on my life,
No one's getting in.

I tried so ******* hard,
To be the one.
To make you stay.
While your guilt eats you away,
Remember to hold your head.

I'm too young to be like this,
God save me.
I don't care how or when,
Please got just let it end.

I showed you every part of me,
Saw the scars.
Heard the screams.
How did this all change,
Please tell me what went wrong.
The first real thing you've ever had,
The last heartbeat I'll ever have.

You look at me and I see the life
Teeming behind your eyes.
I wonder how it got there
And how it stays alive.

I'd like to know what you see
In my eyes when you look at me.
I have a feeling it's fear
Or nothing at all.

All that lives behind my eyes
Are lines of illegible scribble
That can barely be recognized
As phonetic syllables.

Is it obvious that I'm terrified
Of the life in you?
It scares me in the way
Most beautiful things do.

I can appreciate the appeal
But please don't let it get too close.
I'm content with my dead eyes
And it would be too painful to bring them to life.

I am scared of your vibrancy
And at the same time jealous.
Jealous because I bet the world
Is beautiful to you.

And I bet you think
I'm beautiful too.
How lovely it would be
To see things the way you do.

How lovely it would be
Too feel good things
With the same intensity
That I feel bad.

Do you ever become overwhelmed by joy?
Or excitement?
Or laughter?
What's it like to be more than a shell
Of a life that could have been wonderful?

I clenched my eyes,
Afraid to look at you.
Because all I wanted
Was to give you this body
Not what lived within it.
But you stole it,
Like every kiss leading up to,
That moment.
Maybe that's why I cried
Because I came to the sudden realization,
That from that moment on,
Your name was carved
Into every bone in my body.
And the thought if being without you,
Tore through my mind
Like a wave of infinite destruction.
And it pained me to know that nothing lasts forever.
Because in that moment,
All wanted was forever,
With you.

i lost the words
i lost my will to speak
to divulge my mind
i can't scream the truths
that i once was so ready to exile
to the world
no longer allowed inside me

but i still have the red hands
the blood dripping from my finger tips
i still wish to take this blood
and make ink
and make it into peacefully profound truth

i'm so full with things to say
but these words can only come from my eyes
my mouth
my hands
they're useless now and i can't find a reason
the only way to even have a touch of solace
to let the blood red run down my cheeks
to let the red stain my skin
making it so painfully clear
that i'm still full of words
that i can't speak

I find myself pacing
Or staring at nothing,
While i can't slow my thinking
Or find a pattern in my breathing.

I'm no less lost
Than I was last month,
And no less terrified
Than when I broke
All the promises
I had made to myself.

My tiny room
Can't hold me
For too long.
My expansive thoughts
Bounce off the walls
And back into me
Until I decide to
Find some place open to think.

And I walk all alone
I lay in dark open fields
Or on benches by water,
Hoping my thoughts will get lost
In the landscape
And forget to return to my head.

My eyes fill with anxiety
As I forget to breathe.
I make sure no one
Can see me
Than I let the anxiety
flooding my eyes roll down my cheeks.

The cold breeze
Reminds me to breathe
And I'm back in the grass
Hoping you're thinking about me.

Some nights are fine.
But some nights,
Your face is all I can see
When I close my eyes.

You said that day
Haunts you,
But do you lose sleep
Like I do?

How many consecutive days
Have you stayed inside
Because you were too terrified
To go anywhere on your own?

When you walk to class,
Do you keep your head down
And your eyes on your feet
In fear that I might show up?

Do you need four million volts
In your bag at all times
Just to feel something close
To safe?

Do you cringe
When you think of me?
Do you still feel me
In your grips?

Did you find someone
To care about you?
Someone you care about too?
Can you ******* tears
When they kiss you?
Does it leave a guilty taste
On your lips
The way you left bruises on my hips?

When you hold them close
Are you reminded of the way
You held me throat?

Does your skin crawl
When they touch you,
Because no matter how close
You're dying to be
How loved you want to feel
You can't get rid of the memory of me?

No. Of course not.
You're not haunted.
You don't know what it's like
To have the ghost of someone
Who stole your sense of self
Live inside your mouth.
You don't know
What you did,
And I don't think you ever will.
But I hope one day
Someone makes you feel as small
As you made me feel.

I thought this was reality.
But a world bound by words can never be real.
We've created these words to explain the absurdity of our existence.
But no longer an explanation.
Now just a way of ignoring our fear of the pure real.
And ultimately, the absurdity of our mortality.
Iv found the world without words. I've found the horror we've been conditioned to hide from.
There are no words to tell you about this world.
If one was created, the real would lose its meaning,
And become only a word or a label to make sense of something you can't explain.

The entrance is marked by a path of fallen syllables,
that will serve no purpose in this world.
Leave your language on the road leading to the real.
Abandon your understanding of existence.
It will only crumble anyway.

This world of truth is mine.
Only I can experience it because I cannot communicate its existence.
I can't tell you how crippling the real feels.
It's a silent war of the mind and mouth.
The mind is dying for exodus of this experience.
But the mouth cannot divulge.
It has no frame work to put together.
It has no sounds that can build you my world.

Alone in this life.
Because no one can live it with me.
No one can feel what I feel, ever.
No one can live my exact life.
It makes me feel detached from every other human or object.
They can never truly enter my life or my world.
You cannot put yourself behind my eyes and see what I see.
Your perception is distorting my real.

Maybe your real is less terrifying. Maybe you don't have a real.
And I am envious.
Don't build your wordless world.
It only pushes me to see I will die alone.

Why can't I write anymore?
I finally have something to say.
For the first time in months
I have something inside me
Begging to get out.
I have a weight
That compels me to speak
That needs to be communicated.

But my writing is all ****.
It's all the same now.
I can't think of
Anything new to say
Even though I feel the need
To put a pen to paper
And let the thing
That's been giving me headaches
Every night
Have its turn to speak.

What is it you want to say?
Demon?
Monster? Ghost?
Whatever you are,
You're taking up too much space.
So say what you need to
And leave me again.

Are you trying to tell me
That you're lonely?
That you're tired?
That you're bored?

What the ****
Do you want me to do?
I'm just as powerless as you.

I'm too tired to look up
From my hands.
On them I see pictures
Like movies
Playing scenes I know i've seen.

My hands remind me of things
That once entranced me
But now seem like distant memories.
Memories that don't even
Belong to me.

Now the silent films
I watch on my palms
Hold me hypnotized.
Almost like the things
I watch on my hands
Which enamored me before.

But now my eyes
Have grown exceptionally heavy.
I can't divert my gaze
To any other projection
Or distraction.

My eyes are locked.
Stuck watching me
Mishandle myself without consideration
For the life that burned in me.

All i can do
is wait for my
eyes to close.
hopefully soon

No I'm not okay
No I won't be
Because you've taken every part of me

I'm scared so ******* terrified
That this is the end
That you're saying goodbye

Because I love you
I love the way you laugh
And you're adorable smile
And how you feel next to me
Your beautiful heart
And beautiful mind

Please don't go
Please say you'll be mine
I'm sorry I ****** it up
I never meant to do this
But I love you so much
Please let me fix us

Maybe when my weak heart
Finally fails
Maybe when death
Takes me into the dark
I'll find you on the other side

They told me heaven
Is the ideal setting for your happiness.
And I have a feeling
My setting will have you
My love

In this world
We may never meet again
But I wait for the day
Death takes me to you

Our souls will break
From our earthly limitations
And finally my half
Will melt with yours
And balance will be restored

In another life
I'll have you
I just pray you'll have me too

Infatuation seeps into me
And spills away.
A constant flow of desire,
It goes as fast as it comes.

You're a distraction that I don't mind losing myself in.
You're a beautiful view from my grey window.
A peripheral pleasure.

I try to keep you out of my mind
When you're out of my sight,
But you've found me in my sleep.
I keep wondering if I've made my way into yours.

And when you're in sight, you encapsulate my mind.
I let you dominate the few senses through which I can experience you
And I fantasize about how you could appeal to the senses that haven't experienced you.

I could memorize your freckles.
Where each is exactly
And how many you have.

I could kiss your lips
A thousand times
And feel my cheeks burn
With each.

I could run my hands
Through your soft hair,
Feeling each curl
Like silk between my fingers.

I could stay in your arms
For as long as you'll let me,
Absorbing the security
I've been trying to find everywhere.

I could forge
These tactile memories,
These sensations I could experience
All over again
If I just close my eyes.

If I just close my eyes
And breathe deeply
It's almost as if
I can feel you again.

I feel your ghost on my lips,
Your shadow embraces me,
Your echoe holds my hand
And I pray to be close to you again.

I count the seconds
Until my tactile memories
Become concrete
And I can feel you,
Not your ghost
Or shadow
Or echoe,
Making me wish
For more time.

These summer days
Are so strange.
There's so much silence
That I wish was sound.

I've always craved quiet
But it's different now.
Something about quiet
Makes me uneasy.

I'm trying to stay busy,
Occupied,
Distracted from all the quiet
That's laughing at me.

Maybe I need noise
Because in silence
My mind demands to be heard.
And I do not want to listen.

I do not want to listen
To what whispers echo
Throughout my skull
When there's nothing stimulating
My attention.

I've heard them before
And I have no interest
In being held hostage
By what feels like
A foreign voice.

I refuse to follow
My diseased train of thought.
It will only lead me
Into wars
And off cliffs.

So I will make noise
By any means necessary.
I will scream songs
I don't know the lyrics to.
I will play my guitar
Even if it's out of tune.

I will listen to a comforting voice
With a mesmerizing face.
I will smoke until
The silence is friendly.
I will paint
And become enthralled by colors
That only have examples
And no names.

I want my days to be
Loud and
Vibrant.
No more dull
Silence.

Help
I can't get out
I'm stuck in my skull
With only a window

My words
Are stuck in my throat
Blocking the air

My reach is stuck
In my elbows
Wrapping my arms
Around my shoulders

Are you a prisoner
In your own body?
Can you see
Me in chains?

if you drank my tears
maybe you'd taste the things
i cant say
because these tears are the same
as the ones I cry inside my mind

They're not liars like the rest of me
So drink up
And let me free

My arms like vines,
I wrap myself.
White knuckles,
I grip my skin
Like the seat of a shaky airplane.

Holding tightly,
I try to steady trembling
That undulates through me.
The teasing provocation
And amorous taunting
Leaves me wanting today.

But I bite my wrists
To extract my attention
From my cavernous mind
And fix it on the skin about to break.

I'm itching for softness
To cover me like armor
And protect me from the jagged edges
That protrude in me.
I need some sweetness
To quell the bitterness
That saturates my mouth.

Be soft and sweet for me,
I know that you can.
Be tender and warm,
Or leave me to cry.

I'll constrict and wring it out of myself,
If I have to,
In time.

When I told you to leave
I meant please just stay with me
I don't want to go back
To feeling so alone
But you left me on my own

The first time I ever saw you cry
And I thanked God you were mine
But the fear came on fast
I couldn't even say goodbye
How did it feel to see me die

If I open my mouth
I'll only beg for love
So I sit here quiet
Catching my breath
There's so many things
I wish I had said

You lingered here for a while
At the bottom of my steps
How did it feel
Leaving me with nothing left
Did it **** you inside
Did it make you feel alive

I hope you can't sleep
I hope my face stays stuck in your head
I hope you take back all the things you said
You come running back and begging for me

But your probably moving on
Like we never happened
Like we never met
I bet you wish you never said hello
I hope it hurts to watch me go

I hope you can't breathe
When you see me happy
I hope you choke
On the thought of me with someone else
You had once chance
Your ruined it for yourself
Don't bother coming back

i've been so lost
since we agreed
to go our separate ways.

it's only been two weeks
but I've lost count
of the number of classes
I've missed.

I've lost count
of the hours
I've spent laying in bed
trying to think of anything
but you.

i tried to go out
and make new friends,
but i only ended up rambling
about how much
i missed you.

I've lost count
of the number of times
in a single day
that my heart has broken
over you.

you said i seemed happy,
but i don't even know
what "happy" is.

i thought "happy"
was what i had with you.
and that's so far
from what i feel now.

how can i be happy
when all I've felt
for the last two weeks is
lost.

im lost without you
and i wish it wasn't true.
because this lost feeling
is how i know
that i always did
and i always will
love you.

I cannot explain
The dullness that has invaded
My tired brain.
I don't know why
I don't want to try
To do the things
I know I should.

I can't be bothered
With questions about
The future
About the world around me
Because finding the answers
Requires much more energy
Than I have to offer.

How do I learn
How do I grow
With this incessant
Low hum
Ringing throughout my body?
There's no ignoring it.

I'm a slave
To my unnecessary pain.
And I hate being too weak
Too busy
Too apathetic
To fight this depression.

All I can do is laugh
And keep pushing,
Hoping that one day
I will wake up with the power
To do something about
The sadness that keeps me
From everything I have yet to reach.

For now,
I'm so sorry
That my anxiety
And my sadness
Make me stagnant
In the face of truth.

I'm so sorry
That I feel the need to
Appologize for the way I am.
But the way I am
Is not the way I want to be.

I fell too hard
Too fast.
Now I'm left with this haunting emptiness.
You filled every crack in my bones
And every dark corner of my being
Until I was finally whole.
For the first time in my life.
And that has terrified me to no end.
I won't let myself be fooled by your
Unforgiving love.
So I'll throw it away
Before you can take it back.
It seems illogical
But to hurt myself won't be nearly as bad
As you hurting me.
Maybe I just need distance
Maybe I just need time.
Because I've never had a love like this
So true and terrifying.
My head doesn't know what to think.
The only thing I can do is
Run.

Gone
gone
Gone

They're all
So far away now.
If only I could reach
Into the dark
That took you
And pull you back
From wherever you went.

Is it really better
Over there?
Show me what
I've been missing
And maybe God will let us
Trade places.

Do you regret what you did?
Would you take it all back
If I told you that
I'd bear the weight
Of your quick decisions for you?
Would you let me
**** myself
If it meant being
In your mothers arms again?

I'm exhausted.
So ******* tired.
I wake up and feel
Hardly rested because
I spent all night
Pulling my teeth out
And bleeding from my mouth.

This ridiculous dream
Visits me so frequently,
Yet it never fails
To convince me of its reality.
It's impossible to speak
With bones knocked loose,
Making it hard to breathe.

All I want is to be loved
But I can never seem to get enough.

I lay here alone
Wondering still
Why I have this trench
That nothing can fill?

I search for what I want
And I think it is found
But when darkness falls
I can't hear a sound.

No "I love you" 's,
No reassuring words
No utterance of peace
And, my god, it hurts.

I just want to feel
Like everything's okay
Like I don't have to die
At the end of every day.

What am I missing?
What else do I need,
To finally silence
My endless plea?

I'm begging again
Just to know someone cares.
I need some security
Because I'm constantly scared.

No more sweet nothings,
No romancing kiss.
Where is the love
That I so dearly miss?

Can't you see me dying
For your cathartic embrace?
Can't you see the pain
Written on my face?

I'm a fragile soul,
And I hate that I'm this way
Because I need you always
I need you to stay.

I wish I didn't care
I wish my heart was dead
But after being beaten and broken
It searches for life instead.

I want to be happy
And I want to be free.
I don't want to drown
In this dark lonely sea.

But the waves are all around
And tide is pulling me under.
This storm is so strong
I am deafened by thunder.

I've been fighting it all
For what feels like a thousand years
But it's just my luck
That the sea grow deeper with my tears.

But I can't stop crying
I couldn't if I tried.
I couldn't if my stupid heart stopped
And I finally died.

I'll create oceans from my grave
And the earth will drown,
All because I lived my life
With an eternal frown.

The water will rise
And fill in slowly.
This is my revenge on earth
For leaving me lonely.

Even after the flood
My heart won't stop beating
And it won't forget the love
That it will not stop needing.

How sorry I will be
That I have killed you all.
I will be so sorry
That I will continue to bawl.

So someone please love me
Like I need to be loved
Before the earth is doomed
By my broken hearted gloom.

That first night
You didn't touch me
You didn't kiss me
I thought you couldn't care less

Then you touched my waist
And kissed my lips
And I couldn't help
But come back for more

To be yours
Wasn't what I intended
To feel so alone without you
Was never the plan

You were supposed to be
A passing thought
A stitch for my broken heart
The kind that disolve
When no longer needed

How did you catch me
Like a mouse in a trap
I am small and weak
And you are all too enticing

Now I'm terrified
Losing my mind
Because I'm too familiar
With what happens
When my heart shows its passions

Baby please
Don't hurt me
I don't think I could take
Another fall
Not from a height so tall

Don't prove me
And my tragic mind right
I want nothing more
Than to see that famous light

The one that people are drawn to
The one that I thought I saw
But ended up being another
Deep dark black hole after all

I don't want to be so stupid
As to be hopeful again
But i can't help praying
This dream doesn't end

So baby
Don't hurt me
I'm much more fragile
Than I seem

Prone to bruising
And scarring
I might as well
Start tying my own noose

Because I know the truth
Of what is to come
But knowing won't make it
Hurt any less than I expect

Im begging you
Please
Don't drop me from
Your precious mind

Don't make me
Take my hands
And lose them in
My hair

Just keep me close
Pretend to care
When I cry
At least tell me
Things will be alright

I'm in over my head
But that's nothing new
And I should have known
Not to get too close to you

But here we are
And I need you to see
That I've accidentally
Given you the power
To **** me

Be mindful of your strength
And the way which words
Roll off your tongue
Because I'll take every one
As a sign of what is to come

Be gentle with me
Handle with care
Because I have a habit
Of caring too much
And I'm trying not to
I swear

I'm trying not to let you
And your beautiful face
Affect me so deeply
To strike me so true

But I'll pick up
On the tiny ways
Your voice will change
When you decide
I'm too much
And you've had enough

Don't hurt me
The way I imagine you will
I know you can see
The terror in me

So do your best
To **** me with ease
Make it fast
Make it painless
Make me want it

Do something so despicable
That I **** you instead
**** us

I know you won't
But I can only dream
It's the only way
To lessen the inevitable pain

Otherwise
Just hold me
Tight so I feel safe
Close so I can hear your heart
Hopefully it wants me
Just as mine wants to stay alive

The past few nights
Your touch has tantalized my mind.
The way you feel against me
Leaves me shaking
Unable to keep from crying.

Not because it hurts
Or because it burns me.
But because your touch is so sweet
I can't help but fear
That one day it will be ripped from my reach.

And this terror i feel
Is not your fault,
I have scars that still sting
And bruises that don't fade.

They remind of the ones who left them,
Who left me.
They remind me
That you could do the same.

I hate the ones who left them
And I hate myself for still feeling their pain.
And letting their pain grow evergreen
In my brain.

They cut me deep
And i cant stop the bleeding.
They cut me so deep
I felt it fitting
To cut myself too.

I hate that i'm like this.
I hate that i can't just let go
Of all the memories
That broke my heart repeatedly.

If you knew what i felt,
You wouldn't feel the same.
If you could see me right now
Ugly crying and gasping for air,
You'd want nothing to do with me.

You said you love me
But how do you know?
Would you still love me
If i told you that i can't sleep
With your memory so fresh in my head?

I know what you'd say,
Something about me having to work on it.
And i know that
I know that this anxiety is something
That only i can dispel.

But validation
reassurance
a tight embrace
would make it so much easier
for me to look at your face
and not feel my heart ripping itself to shreds.

So keep telling me you love me
Keep holding me close
Keep kissing me
Just tell me everything will be okay
even if its a lie
even if it'll only calm my tides for a day

I feel so stuck in my brain
All the time.  
My life is not
My interaction with the world.
My life is my interaction
With my own mind.

My life is in
My thoughts and
Inner diologue,
Not in the way
I fit into the
Universal machine.

It goes on
And on without me.
I was part of the machine
For only a minute and
Once again I feel myself
Beginning to float
Into the distance.

I'm clinging to everything
On Earth I can find
Meaning in.
I'm holding onto
Love and fear
To try to keep
Myself on the ground.

Hold onto me
So I can feel some
Small security.
How can I be
So sensitive and
Struggle to feel
What's all around me?

Maybe I'll lay in the rain
And let it soak
Into my bones.
I'll be drenched in rain
When the wind blows in
And I become frozen
In the cold.

Then I'll set myself
On fire,
And maybe that's extreme,
But I'm desperate for relief,
To find what I need,
To feel human again.

I have a lot to say
But my voice breaks under the weight of these words.
I have no sounds,
No syllable,
That can comprehend the complexity of my thoughts.
They don't make sense
Not even to me
Every jumbled up mess of a notion
Swims around in this clouded abyss.
For a long time I put on this facade,
This mockery of the truth.
I tell you I'm happy
I tell you it's because of you.
But nothing can save me from drowning
From the fire
From the storm .
And I'll tell you I love you
Because it's what you want to hear.

I don't tell you how I wake up from nightmares,
Terrified and out of breath.
Only to crawl my way to the sink and
Disappoint you with what I'm about to do
I take them
I take them all
One by one I count them as I swallow
It makes me laugh it makes me smile.
It makes me cry because the drugs don't make up for a lack of feeling
They do not fill me with the fancy yet crippling ideal light that they told me about.
They just remind me of my loniness

These jumbled up notions scream
They cry
They laugh
I'm drowning
But you can't save me and I'll tell you I can
Because it's what you want to hear

How is that possible?
To have a voice so sweet?
Just when you speak to me,
Without any special meaning,
You could sing me to sleep.

Every word has a chime
As it rolls off your tongue.
And when they fall together
As you read your poetry,
It becomes
Some of the most beautiful music
I've ever had the pleasure
Of hearing.

You must be an angel,
Because you have a voice
That could make any nonbeliever
Bow down and repent
If you read them aloud
A simple scripture.

That voice makes me blush
When you tell me sweet nothings.
I can't help but smile
And feel like a child
Who's heard the ocean
For the first time.

The waves crash
Just like your voice.
Beautiful creations
Crafted by nature,
That bring me ease
When I get the chance to listen.

I'm sorry I'm staring
But it's the best I can do,
When I'm this far away
And can't touch you
Or kiss you.

I'd believe anything
That came from your mouth,
That's why I blush when you tell me
That you think I'm pretty.
If you say it,
It must be true,
And I've never believed it
Until I heard it from you.

A voice so calming
Is a gift from heaven,
And God cannot create lies.
Now I have no choice
But to feel warm inside,
Because you spoke to me
With truths that I could never see
If it weren't from you.

I'm getting weaker by the hour
And the passage of time
Speeds faster and faster.

I built walls in my mind
To keep my worries
And sorrows confined.

Now they're falling down,
My fear is overflowing,
And I can't find solid ground.

Stop telling me what helped you,
Stop telling me what I should do,
Because you don't know the depth of this flood.

Stop telling me it's easy to find land
Because you can make your own sand.
I can't and I don't think I ever will.

For just one second
Please listen to me when I say
That I can't ******* breathe.

Telling me there's air all around
Will not force it into my lungs
And bring me back from the brink of death.

And when I say
I'm terrified,
It's not an invitation
For a lesson in bravery.

When I say I'm scared
It's not because I don't understand
Everything that's going on.

I understand just fine.
But understanding that the sun shines
Is not what makes it rise.

Stop telling me things
That I already know.
Stop telling me things
That are of no use.
And stop making my pain
About you.

I'm not as stupid
As you might think.
But being filled with knowledge
Doesn't mean I won't sink.

I'm not as blind
As you may believe.
You keep telling me to open my eyes
But I already see just fine
And clarity of vision
Is the last thing I need.

I'm on the edge,
And I know you know
What that means.
So for the love of all that is holy
Stop pushing me.

You might think I can fly
But I already know I can't.
You might say
That you'll catch me.
But the arms of another
Are not what I need.

So next time you see tears in my eyes,
And it won't be far off,
Don't speak.
Don't preach.
Just listen
And hold me.

You don't know me
Like you think you do.
And I'm sure if you did,
You wouldn't want to.

I'm fragile and dark
Like a tree that's been burned.
I'm not the blooming flower
That I pretend to be.

And you would know that by now
If you were silent
And let me speak.

I've been quiet my whole life
And maybe that's part of the reason
I'm constantly overwhelmed.

I have so much to say
And no one to listen.
No one to open their ears
And hear me scream.

My screams have always been inward,
Echoing inside me.
If I could just let them out
Maybe they would stop killing me.

It's so loud inside my head
That most of the time
I wish I was dead.

But if I could take that volume
And let it disolve into the air,
Maybe I could sleep soundly
And stop running in my dreams.

So if you really want to help
And if you really care,
Please stop rambling about things
That won't bring my empty lungs air.

It's sort of strange
how an emptiness can fill you
how nothing can take you over
an absence can engulf you

that's when nothing becomes everything
all at the same time
when you get lost in how to answer farmiliar questions
what's wrong

well you can't say nothing
and you can't say everything
but really it's the scariest nothing
and the saddest everything
that has drowned you in your sleep