I don't know if this is lipstick or blood
That I wipe from my mouth

Is it mine or yours?

Your fingers intertwined with mine
knuckles red and white

Is this America?

when your face turned blue
and everyone in the room knew
and it's mine
every fault in this **** earth

Then I wipe from my mouth
And I don't know if it's blood or lipstick

Text me
Text me
Text me
Text me
Text me
Text me
Text me
Text me

And then you never will
Because I'm holding on
While you seem
To have already to go

I smelt the snow that covered the parking lot
Too early to live- too late to close my eyes

It had a familiar tang to the linger sting in the air
My youth- stuck to the back of my throat

In memories of grandmas on christmas day
Preparing desserts that would never taste the same again

Mixed with the exhaust of a cold winter morning
The taint of growing old and fading tree lights

I smelt the snow that covered the parking lot
Too soon i remembered where i was- too soon i opened my eyes

They wilt with us you know
the flowers, in winter, in the snow

and we know that flowers come back
but I'm not sure I do

All colorful and fun and smelling sweet
that life, so free, nothing can beat

but I quite enjoy melting in their light
my personal cacophony

I sit perched
Not perched but perfectly placed
By the door in english classroom
In the english hallway
Four doors down from the end

The air here is warm
Though this morning it must have been below
Below the freezing point for water
And my engine

And from my perfectly placed seat
I can see
The yellow leaves
Warm against the approaching winters wind

Though it is only September

The classroom- full of life
But only in the sense that
A dozen kids sit taking a quiz
Worth nothing but a number in a book

The life makes it warm
Or is it the fans above
Man made just not by man
No, not man but a fan and a shadow of man

When the yellow leaves echo the cold
When the door closes
And the light
Fades with the warmth

Darling the world was our stage
life brought forth from a dusty page
when you sighed into my ear
before we knew of fear

Now I write distant melodies
of our favorite tragedies
as you leave this life behind
to give yourself peace of mind

This is going to ruin us
It’s going to pour salt into a valley
And let the ice caps unthaw like a pile of ****
With all the emotion trapped within
I’ll wake up alone
You’ll wake up with no message on your phone
And we’ll say we did our best
Till the very end
When the sun got too hot
When the wings melted at the ascend

We won’t tell them we held the key
Our solar system depended on our hearts
That knew from the start
They were better off far apart
I'll hold your hand and say goodbye
You'll say you'd rather die
And when that day will come
When our fate we can’t out-run
When I meet your eyes
We won't even say hi

I beg for you to message
It seems I haven't learned my lesson
Still selfish in my worldly pursuits
Self-absorbed and bored

I don't allow time for grief
At least thats what I've come to think
I allow the fire to burn within my heart
Allow myself to be ignored and gored

its over
i know you love me
but this is broken
and strained
the distance too great

so its over
my objections held taught in my mouth
the whole world tipping over flipping south
our voices strained
the distance closed

its over
its over
its over

I looked into your eyes
                                    I looked and you faded
The end of my finger tips
Trailing
                                                              Yo­ur heart
Farther                      and                           farther
                                                                ­                                     Away
Than before
But I could never ask you to stay

The mirrors clouded over now
                                                       I
Cant find
                                                    You

Except in the pictures hanging on the walls
Hanging
             In the room
                                I lost the key to
                                                         Before you even left

The phrase
A *****
Relationship
Sparks memories
In the back
Of my healing
Torn
Heart

But what defines the word *****?
(The dirt beneath my nails)
(the blood beneath the dirt)
Who says it has to be between two people?
(the hand on the arm)
(the arm on the floor)
(the floor cradling the flame)
Still its swimming and swimming
(sinking is another word)
(sinking, swimming, sinking, swimming)
The judgment peeking out from their eyes
(they’re crying too)
(they’re crying alone)
At the word *****

Someone asked
for a poem
about flowers
in your hair

Two weeks ago I would write it about daisies
peonies
and sunflowers that seem to match your style

A week ago I would write about the thorns from roses
the way it decomposes
when you leave them sit for a long while

Today I stare at the dried flowers on my wall
wishing you'd call
making a flower crown from dried flowers that made me smile

I'm your mothers favorite bad influence
Perfect and in line enough
to ignore the major red flags that should induce reluctance
and instead label me hard working and tough
the perfect girl to get to know

I'm who your father thought he would be
music that grates and teeth bared just sharp enough
an idea of who to be and the will to be free
smooth around the edges but inside too rough
the kind of seed in you he'd like to sow

I'm the disgrace with a pretty little face
and the intelligence to lie
and get by with just enough grace
so that one day this persona may die
as I fade from their neat little row

Close you weary eyes to look at me
Tell me my love, whatever do you see?
The sun shines slowly on our love
life, flying like a lonely dove

and you, you still look at me
and you, you are all I see
and the sun, burns your lovely wings
and its just as the bluebird sings.

I see a cigarette
It's almost disappointing how many times
my poetry turns into prose at the mention
of a cigarette

because they represent everything I long for
in the wrong ways
and they taste so good
but they're not something I would die for

instead they remain in the past
or the present or in the **** presence that rings
softly in my ears begging me to come back
to quietly but swiftly move past

Often times I wonder
as I sit in my little car
in my little town
with my little friends

if the world is bigger than I?

Then I realize this life is too short to squander
and the past is now too far
to keep yesterdays frown
for life never truly ends

And I smile secretly at the sky

They tell me that the romantics
had a curious way about
the way they loved and hated
and the things of which they wrote

Their love is better best forgotten now

Still they amazed me with their antics
their scandals the world still loves to shout
the way they so simply and wordily stated
like the world's chaos was their little note

So in their image, do I dare to grow?

So ungrateful So spoiled So rude
Way to go and ruin the mood
Go sit in your room don't talk to me
Just be the kid we never see

So there I was leaning against the wall
sulking as all heavens be
wishing my love could live closer
and then closer still to me

and the last song of night gave me a terrible fright
I had never fallen in love till I met you
and one random boy with pierced ears and the likes
did the hook and reel right through

I dare not say I like him at all
no my heart elsewhere still resides
but for second the gloom and the stink of the night
took up its claws and hides

But you’re just a kid-
So who am I to have learned love
From somewhere other
Than home

What a sentence
That almost borders on prose
To be just a kid…

Ignorance and bliss I suppose
Rhyme schemes and sparking trees
That make up for depth and feeling

Because I’m just a kid

How splendid is it
For your soul
To be a home
To everyone you've ever known

In your eyes
I can see the thoughts spinning
Opening the closed book
Taking the pen for one more look

The bridges
Burned down the road
The ashes
Still stuck to your wheel as you go

The concept of sin
Breathes knives down my back

The ice melts in the distant sun
Make-up begins to run
Sweat sticks heavy to the skin

The moon freezes each bone
The wind picks up a new tone
The ice is still to thin

The eraser leaves a trace
Irons never pick up every crease
Bleach can't pick up every stain

Colors meld back together
The lines are as faint as a feather
Canvases left too plain

Wells run dry in vain
Deserts forget the taste of rain
The grass slowly dies

Dam walls break
Waves make cities quiver and quake
Showers keep away the flies

Light ruins the perfect takes
Sunshine illuminates mistakes
Blinding the soul

Night revels in fears
The shadows reach always nears
The dark takes its toll

Still forgiveness reaches through
God heals all wounds

My boyfriend said it was sad
I didn't write poetry like I had
when we met

I couldn't find the words to tell him
that the words felt like stabs gone crim-
son after the knifes movement was set

so what does that say about me now?
that I write with passion I don't know how
to express without regret

Snowing
Winter glowing
Through the breeze

Steps
Two quips
Through my ear

Singing
Echoes beaming
In the night

Silently
Smiling gently
At the future

My bra's don't fit right
anymore
My hair is too long and too short
I don't know what I keep it for
My eyes are tired at the sight
but sleep seems impossible

My lips are cracked
the skin is dry
My fingernails are peeling
the feeling is unnerving
My body feels too big like I lacked
the right to be myself

My ego is too big
for the self-esteem I posses
My friendships I've kept
don't seem to last
My hole I continuously dig
has been filled at last

Holliday takes over novelty
Reality purged by the imagination
Open your eyes its Christmas time
Send cards to those with no relation

Vice
Scurring like mice
Around the ash
That blows away in a flash

Oh little mice where is your home
To where do you roam
Come make a hole in my life
I'll cut space with a knife

For you, to lay
Oh little mouse what did you say
Your whispers tickle my ear
Are you here, near? You fill me with fear

Oh little mouse where did you go
I- i need to know
Oh little mouse what is your name
Oh little mouse would you be tame?

For you I fall to my knees
For you I offer a million pleas
Even when my breath is gone
Even when the night is long

Oh little mouse I hate you so
Yet you're all I seem to know
And you cling on to my pain
Drops on eyelashes in the rain

I burn and yearn and die waiting
My mouth is open teeth grating
Oh little mouse what is your name?
Oh little mouse is this a game?

My moonlight
                      You shine so bright
Drawing me in when its cold
A myth so often told
So real so true just for me
                      So bright- all I can see
Is you
                       So new
My moonlight you hold my heart
With you perhaps I can restart

The water in your body is just visiting

Its making it's way through

And leaking out the eyes

I swear by it it's all true

The breath you take stays

But not for long

It leaves with each laugh and sigh

It's hard to love it wrong

Sound bounces in and out

Remember takes effort or less

And the sounds echoes the skies

And the sound never leaves a mess

It almost worked
I almost forgot
It almost worked
I almost smoked ***

Just kidding! My heart would beat too fast and my brain would go like ka-splat and I would tell you how I felt so I could just go and melt in a *** of my own self pity in a town too far from your home city and instead I drink enough caffeine to **** a horse over the course of a single thanksgiving course of a meal because I don't want to admit how I feel and I messed it up once again and now I kind of feel like the man made of tin because I don't have a heart i can give or a person I can forgive because god might forgive my sins but the devil always wins when it comes to myself and my personal health and if you read this far through the unspeakable tar I thank you and apologize and realize that maybe I should have just smoked *** with all those kids who are unreasonably hot for the things they do because then I wouldn't be writing poems to someone I always just name you

I love the way hand made garments
are perfect and wonderful and you can tell they are loved
by the way the buttons are little misplaced
but you wear it and smile and are warm

Or the way on a home made card
you can see the messy finger prints of a hand ungloved
as the paint and markers were still wet
and the glue didn't want to conform

Maybe it is within each perfect little mistake
that life and love is seen
different from the one before like a winters flake
in the smooth spaces and each in-between

I have a rather large distaste
of those who come with haste

They are sympathetic to your blight
they wish you well and a goodnight

But

Only over the telephone screen
what a way to feel seen

I'm here for you, whatever I can do
still they never come to see you

And

In the case you don't respond
they figure there is no reason to correspond

Even when you sit up to your knees in tears
as you watch your world crumble to your darkest fears

Though

This perhaps is a simple overreaction
and a fail on my part to take action

In which case I do sincerely apologizes
for my lies, unworthy cries, that begged you to sympathize

I'm sorry if I'm too easy
for a friend of a friend
but i get too queasy
trying to play pretend

see I've been playing this game
shove in the tape hit re-wind
enough to know nothing ain't the same
so come on over and tell me what to find

it starts out slow
enough to let you think
then right before you know
the world begins to sink

my laughs contagious when I laugh at everything
call me crazy or a pick me up too
he won't bring a diamond ring
but we smile and say boohoo

I'm no expert,
Just a little brown over and under the eyes,
totally low effort,
doesn't matter if I cry.

Now I want you back,
I miss your hands in my heart,
you're the only part of me I lack,
but what if you don't want to restart.

You were the secret to my life,
And they tell me calm down, you're seventeen,
but every moment is a red hot knife,
followed by the echoes of an overlived dream.

What a lovely coincidence
That this rooms has such a nice echo

What a lovely coincidence
We both learned how to let go

What a lovely coincidence
we're in the same town at the same time
even though I never left
and you said you would never come home

What a lovely coincidence
we both found someone new in this hazardous biodome
untouched by such a large rift
aren't we the size of dime?

What a lovely coincidence
That you no longer remember me

What a lovely coincidence
That I'm only 17

I saw a man and his son today
walking through the store looking at
flowers for his wife and his mother
and you know I think I found the suns missing ray

There were folks gathered at work
all dressed up in white shirts and shiny black shoes
the kids were smiling and laughing
the whole scene a piece of artwork

Even as I watched from the corner in the back
the warmth radiated for their faces
everything right in the perfect places
like for them time might stop keeping track

I love wintertime
Even as the snow melts to my feet
In the middle of December

When my coat
Is as long as my skirt and my socks reach my knees
I feel like I could live forever

You only get cold at 29
Whether the sky is melting or its below zero
There's too little time to remember

Blasting Rihanna like I'm still ten
Because I came to dance, dance, dance
Come play with you, me, whomever

I’m sorry there’s never anything in my mind
What even is there to find
worth keeping in this messed up brain
That will only cause confusion
                   and pain

The mirror is my best friend
When we sit and talk about how it all could end
Then we cry (but we’re both silent)  
Me and my mirror, always so violent
we finally depart
Then I **** myself it’s time for a fresh start

But the moonlight reveals all of my lies
                         You should just feed me to the flies..
You’re holding onto dust
Confusing grief and longing for lust
                  But it's okay, I'm just insane
With eyes that leak like rain

Jumping
We're jumping
and dancing in circles
the music
is blasting
We're jumping
and jumping
and dancing in circles

Vulgarity holds a simple singularity
That seems to grip my brain steadfastly
I seem ignorant in my ranting tones
a child playing adult and acting rashly

Unbefitting of a lady to be emitting
The anger and simple roughness
Or unrefined lack of care
No need for acts of roughness

Sorry I didn't keep my promise
That I swear when you aren't near
I'm sorry for this disgusting course of action
I'm sorry mom for all the things you didn't hear

I dance rings of fire
I am a horrendous liar
I sit silently on my own pyre
I made with my own to hands to a choir
Singing songs of my sinning and they ever tire

I burn the grass below my feet
I am strapped steadily to the seat
The lines are chaotic and precariously neat
Every line in the book are folded into a little pleat
I hold the key then I carelessly give it to everyone I meet

I am my own critic
I am my own faulty medic
I am the sweet burned in acidic
I am a selfish cry from the idiotic
I am the virtue in the word patriotic

I write poetry and pretend you will read it
Because I can't stand to leave my thoughts private
In reality I am just a girl with words to convince
That work on everyone but myself
Hoping this time they won't be pathetic

The eyes close in discontent
At least I don't pay the **** rent
supposedly sobbing and suffering aren't sufficient
for a highschooler without serious intent

Wish
upon a falling star
Wish
on the headlights of each passing car
Wish on the people you know you can believe
Wish on the seasons and the memories you grieve

Wish on your faith that peace will arrive
Wish on the roads on that late night drive

And I wish that I was sitting next to you
wondering what we should do
so I wish at 11:11
and on the moments you introduced me to heaven

I don't know how to be alone with myself
Which is funny because I'm always alone

The snow falls ya mom calls and you bury the bone
While I cry in the mirror because I hate my face

I'm driving there's curves she says slow the pace
Still tractions just fine so I guess we see the next day

The rhyme fails the flows crap and I forgot how to pray
Still I write poetry and hope you'll read it anyways

They say it takes 66 days to form a habit
And anywhere from 18 to 254 to break it

I'm on day 20
And in my head I still call you honey

The world hasn't stopped spinning
And they tell me I'm still winning

Yet my inbox stays empty
While my anxiety is plenty

Maybe I'm just pathetic
While my friends call me neurotic

You can't teach an old dog a new trick
Though at seventeen most lesson stick

Self destruction

A period for reconstruction

A civil war within my brain

A torrent of life a torrent of pain

Still my age does not make me wise
My mother cries, my father sighs

I write words for attention to those who will never see my face
I treat life like a simple race

To the end, where it will stop and so will I
A flash, a bang, a final goodbye

He told me he loved how
I could put my reality into words
and now
they're all about him

He told me he wanted to be a romantic
have words flow out of him like birds
instead of caged and frantic
little did he know that's all they ever are

A cracked screen protector
But only around the edges
Slowly wearing away towards the middle
A life hanging off the ledges

Two layers, two ways to be easily repaired
The broken glass peels away at your fingers
Lines that run through the images
The thought to replace barely lingers

I'm trying hard not to play the creepy stalker ex-girlfriend
I'm trying hard to realize this is the end
I'm trying hard I promise mom and dad
I'm trying hard not to make you both sad
I'm trying hard to maintain my 4.0
I'm trying hard to just let it all go
I'm trying hard not to worry my old pals
I'm trying hard not be one of those gals
I'm trying hard to reach out again
I'm trying hard to keep it all in one vein
I'm trying hard I'm trying I really am