i stole a cigarette.
no, this isn't a metaphor.

there's just times where I feel
like I deserve to be what falls in the ash tray.

I don't know why I keep trying to harm myself,
If things are going okay...

It's like, I'm so used to the torture and pain,
I don't ever want it to go away.

No wonder I had clung to my razor blades
No wonder I had clung to the trauma
No wonder I developed depression
and look at me now, stealing cigarettes.

Desperately trying to find a way to destroy myself
Fill my lungs with smoke
A stench that is more than just stuck on clothes.

It's the past, coming back to life
inhale
inhale
inhale more
cough

You want to smother these thoughts
Lose them in this smoke and fog

But no, there's no escape
Not even when the cigarette is done

The scars still string your skin
The pain woven deep into your veins
The ****** scabs you keep picking at

It's a coping mechanism
Or a way to slowly die

Is it that... I need to feel something, always?
Is it that... I have fallen in love with Death?

The couple of times, where he teasingly came
close to...
give me a fatal kiss.

Is this what I lust over?
Is this... what I want to feel?
...

In any case... this cigarette is still lit up.
Drifting me more out of myself.

And I disappear like the smoke in the wind.

I have so much to say
but nothing comes out
my heart breaks
when people make
it seem like happiness is a facade
undeserving, unwilling, and it's all my fault...
right? because I'm causing the pain,
the tears on your face, it's always the same
I can't win this fight, can I?
I can never fall in love, so I
don't know what to do
and it hurts so much more than you
think
it's not just dark when I blink
anymore, I think I reached the brink
of what is sane and what is taboo

maybe, I just want something... new
someone... new
someone who won't make me cry
someone who won't say goodbye
when things begin to collide
and people look away to the side
when I'm finally gaining my strength and peace
I am no one's property, no one to keep
me from living the life that I deserve
because I have always been so reserved
and maybe it's time that I stand up
and say that enough is enough.

yes, I am in love with someone new.
someone who loves me as their muse
I don't want
to keep
having this
fight
over what is
wrong and
what is
right

I am in control.
it's time I free my soul
from the grasps of those who believe they could chain me
to the ground
no, not until my old past self is found.
never again, I'll fight for true love.
Instead of a love that seems to shove
me into guilt and sadness,
imprisoned in loneliness
while you are free to do whatever you want
as I stand in the blackness

No, I will not stand this sickening torment
these conflicts, or as you say is heartfelt comments
If I want to save my heart
I have to tear apart
reality from fantasy
it isn't easy
but...
maybe then, I will be free
to breathe, love, and kiss who I please.
I don't need to commit right now.
I just want to get through this life somehow.

please stop
messaging me every hour

let me breathe
let go of my wrists

they're bleeding
i'm crying

you grab me
forcefully

                                           "just a little."

no
"come on."                                        
no

stop
go
away

"n­o."

bright lights begin to flicker
to a vast of darkness

as i lay in my bed
staring at the ceiling

recounting, remembering
pain, tragedy, depression.

i turn to my side,
where it is most comfortable.

imagining, a world unbeknownst to anyone else
where bright lights stay bright,

radiating, pulsating
from my true love’s heartbeat.

as my eyes are closed
i reach out to touch a face

only to be met by the fabric of my pillow
by this time, the lights have gone completely off.

i am alone.

“I am here.”

what? i sit up and look behind me.
my alter ego, staring back with hollowed out eyes
a mouth slit on both sides
tears of blood.
crying for someone to hug Her.

but it’s only met with my pain-filled echo.
“i am you.”

the sound of faulty cogs scraping against each other
as if something got jammed
or broken
would i have to throw it away all together?
i can't be bothered to fix it.
i don't know how.

electric wires become entwined between these rustic cogs
ripping apart, causing an ignition of a spark.
a spark of...
fear.
i could attempt to repair the wires,
but it's too late.
it's already touching the water.
the water of my tears.

mass chaos reigns, and i,
stupid me, stand there in the middle.
closing my eyes, covering my ears, breathing from my mouth.
thinking of better times.
as these cogs begin to break
as these electric wires begin to make
sparks into fires
i hear a sound
reverberate
from afar.

"you are chaotic. you destroyed yourself."

the screeching noises of the cogs become unbearable
the electric wires have tangled around my neck
my tears streaming down my cheeks trigger a spark

a spark of...
guilt.

i go limp, as i begin to catch on fire.
no screaming, i deserve this pain.

"you deserve all the worst things life will bring unto you."

and i open my eyes,
and see my reflection in the mirror.

keyboard clatters almost makes the same noise when the butterflies in my stomach flutter.

Hues of red, green, and blue.
I want to give all my love to you.

The warmth of the monitor after many hours of usage,
Almost feels like a warm hug after a beautiful date and an “I love you” message.

I told myself I wouldn’t fall for someone online again.
But for you, my love, I don’t mind going through hell and pay for my sins.

The start up of my laptop when it does the whir sound,
Feels like the excitement that rushes through me when you are around.

The pixels and glass screen can only do so much for us.
I long for the touch of your beautiful stardust.

I fell in love with someone I met online.
I truly believe he can possibly be forever mine.

Everything feels so out of reach right now.
I feel the pain from the snake sinking its fangs to my skin.
Puncturing and filling me with its poison.
It doesn't release enough to **** me, though it still leaves me paralyzed.
And some times I have to force myself to not taunt them.
They will know my motives and slither away until I'm better again.
Then the fangs will bite down on me as if they were eating a delicious apple.
and evening will come to fall for the sadistic trickery.
Thus leading to the eradication in which I had made my world to be.

I am powerless.