And it hits like a semi  
Rumble strip road vibrations
I must have fallen asleep
Just for a second
But that second was enough

Sideways divider that didn’t win the fight
The metal flying towards it
Cracked concrete bed
Upside down sky scraper
The unforgiving 17
Winding up the pass like a snake about to strike

Stay away from the careless
Ripping down the left lane
Ease up behind the reckless
Be the cautious
Be the snail
This is where you don’t hold your life entirely in your own hands
This is a flock all headed to the same place
Unaware that the people next to you exist

Break lights flashing
Glass cage shatter
Airbag punch
Stay awake

5 years and 1 month
that's 61 months
that's a total of 1,855 days
of me waking up next to the smell of you
a smell that will forever linger in my nose

I learned that this is called the Proust effect
certain scents bypass the brains thalamus and go directly to the smell center
causing them to trigger the most vivid memories and emotions

on that note

I found your shirt the other day
as I was trying to purge any evidence of you from my life
But I could not toss it aside before holding it to my face and inhaling your all too familiar smell

as the scent filled my nose
the flashbacks began

and now I can't sleep

This is when it hits the hardest,
at 3:47 in the morning
when I wake up and realize you aren't next to me
when the memories of us are flash flooding through my brain

sleep comes in waves these days
I have tried my best
but I cannot will these nightmares away

You asked me to write a love poem to you
But I don't know what to say to a whole heart
Being broken is more familiar

My heart was Pandora's Box
that someone else had pried open letting out the seven deadly sins
and you were the one to come and lock hope back in

And now I claw for you in the night until you pull me close
whispering to me words that the lonely long for
telling me that the demons of the day are locked away

You have become the master of my mood swings
breaking the chain before I get too high
coaxing me out of the hungry darkness on my bad days

But now it is time for you to lay your heavy head on my lap
allow the Sandman to take you to places unimagined
let me hold your hope

i am a ghost story
a glass half full shattered on the floor
a dusty attic holding feeble bits of memories
memories like you and i firecracker fighting
being daydream drunk in the middle of the afternoon

i am weak
i cannot bear the weight of your eyes upon my body and so i breadcrumb crumble
ashes to dust
dust to ashes
onto your dank cement floor
and i see you thinking that if you clean it up fast enough no one will see what you are capable of

April Showers

Kurt Cobain died in April
His heart hurt too much to watch his baby girl witnessing him suffer
He left a not telling her that he did this for her
and as for Courtney, she held on to him as tight as he would let her,
knowing depression and addiction are the evil in the world
I can relate to craving the taste of metal in my mouth,
of ******* someone so hard that they nearly break from all of the hurt I pull out of them and make my own.
What he did was not selfish, was not a rash decision,
what he did was self preservation, he traded his body for another one
by crushing the control center of this one.
It was his last resort and leaving behind his baby was the only choice for her to find happiness.
I understand Kurt
The last time I felt the willingness to be alive was the last day that we were together.
That last ride I took free falling backwards into your truck as you navigated the roads that we so often used to call home.
I have shriveled in this world into such a small being
I have forgotten what it is like to feel like living is a good thing
But I will stick around here for you.

day one: you asked me if i was okay as i tried to hide the tears that were spilling down my face. i looked at you and my heart stopped right there and whispered, "hello old friend, I've been waiting for you"

day two: i woke up to a good morning text. i knew this was the beginning.

day three: we threw rocks in the river and you laughed as i slipped off my shoes in the dark and waded into the ice cold water. i told you how it made me feel alive to have it biting at my skin

day four: you told me it was a bad idea, that we weren't allowed to do this as your kisses led there way from the nape of my neck to the horizon of my lips

day five: i realized how beautiful you were when you spoke about the things you loved, how your smile threatened to consume your whole face.  but i also realized how beautiful you looked when you talked about the things that hurt, the things that you would never forget no matter how hard you tried

day six: i thought i would know you forever, in whatever sense that meant, i thought you would stick around. i realized how delusional this sounded after six days of knowing you. but you said you would stay.

day seven: the urge took over and i gave it all to you. every secret my body held, the words spilling off my tongue and into the space between us like a waterfall. like i said the urge took over and i gave it all to you.

day eight: you didn't value me enough to even whisper an explanation.

day nine: we were a story cut off mid sentence. with no happily ever af....

Our meeting was the best thing that has ever happened to me

the thing is..
it was like being at the center of the universe
and the problem with being at the center is
when things get too close they have no where else to move except away
and it makes sense because now you are out of reach

i want you to know, you made me feel important
you made me feel more than i thought i was capable of

sometimes i feel this low rattling in my chest
and i know it's you
in a boxing match with my heart
telling it to soldier up and move on

but no matter how badly you want them
people like you come and go
even if you beg them to stay

this backbone to broken hearts has distorted too much
raging on against everything that was once known

and here we are again
broken hearted
slowly fading away

You plucked the banjo strings of my heart in a tune that sounded like home
And as hard as I try
I cannot find the sheet music
A minor, but you are the master
And I am tone deaf to any key but you

Problem is, I forgot the words part way through so
I stopped singing along

Write it down

Tear it up and

Teach me to feel again

I can’t hear you any longer

But
Don’t stop, I need the vibrations ricocheting off my eardrums to continue on the way I have been

Help me out here
Lets take lessons
Start over and rewrite our song

Before I met you i was an unnamed hurricane
i was destruction leaving only pain in my wake
the earth rattled beneath my feet and threatened to swallow me whole

then you came along
and the chaos calmed
the storm began to settle

you kissed the scars on my being
kissed them like they were something beautiful
like they helped configure my whole
when everyone saw them as something missing

and the thought of you leaving is a riptide dragging me further out to sea
it is the end of my beginnings
creating an aftermath so tragic i cannot fathom the wreckage

so before you go remember that you are the reason for my breathing
and know that you touched someone more than you'll ever know.

you can't beg someone to love you
I have learned this the hard way

when I first met you
I knew i was ******

when two hearts collide like ours did the only outcome is destruction

Being "too much"
is a blessing
not a curse

say it again
and listen
as you taste the words on your tongue

just say it again
and believe it

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It takes 3 minutes for you to lose consciousness by lack of oxygen
This is suffocating
Your brain begins to fire neurons off into the maze of your body
telling it secrets that will forever be held on its tongue

Brain death occurs after 6 minutes
This is the cessation of all brain function
This is death by the deprivation of the air you need to go on
However
In any other circumstance where the heart is not deprived of oxygen
it will keep beating for a period of time.

this was me when you left
I went brain dead
My heart continues to beat of its' own accord
the pacemaker is set to pump my blood
but my lungs crept up and out of my throat
this was my suffocation
not by hanging, not by smothering

It takes 5 minutes for brain cells to start dying at a slow dance of a pace
This is asphyxiation
Consciousness will be lost within 2 minutes
like falling into a deep sleep, peaceful and then all at once

Asphyxiation is the build up of a substance such as carbon dioxide in the body that interferes with the oxygenation of your organs
This death is timely
The car running in the garage or the bag slipped over a head
This death takes 20 minutes

our love was a metaphor of this,
a slow dance into despair
the outcome was the same either way
but it seemed like you picked the method with the flip of a coin
it was lengthy,
it was beautiful,
but it was also devastating.

I watched as loose skin, hung over bones so fragile they threatened to break, joints cursing at every bend, willing to stop working at any given moment. White porcelain filled with lukewarm bath water kisses her naked body ever so slowly as she allows me to help her lower her brittle body onto the harsh bottom of the tub. She looked up at me and smiled a half hearted smile filled with thousands of apologies that she could not find the words to utter. In that second my heart broke. Her eyes are glazed over with shame that she is incapacitated in this way.
I did not know skin could loosen in all of the places that it has, it’s as if it sags to cover every memory, good and bad, and make room for more. As we occupy the same bed she turns her back and forgets my presents, but as she rolls over and sees me she tucks me in as if to say, we will do this together.

now i am a burning being
and you're the one
that set me on fire

Recently I heard someone say that getting butterflies is a red flag
but when our eyes met across the bar
everything in a foggy haze of Captain and Coke
I didn't get butterflies
it was more like a swarm of wasps
trying to escape as the words rose up to find their way out of my mouth
Stinging my throat along the way

This should have been a warning

I've never been good at reading signs

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No one ever taught you how to grow up
the simplest things like which fork to use when you are dining with her parents for the first time
or how to change the fire alarms

So when you sit down for dinner you use the desert fork for the salad and wonder why you got yourself into this mess in the first place

and when your house goes up in flames you scream to the sky, you burn down with it.

there you are
grinding the words that crawl out of my mouth
a hello holds a thousand questions
you could be the one
lets entwine and find out
lets search each others bodies for sweet spots
coffee ground stained fingers
touch me
hold this cream skin
you can't take your eyes off of me
maybe we are meant to be
you're electric
you're mysterious
it's time to be welcomed into this hollow home
ramble on
I have a soulmate
but you make me question whether my soul is split in two

Absence has seven letters
As does your name
I should have seen the glaring neon warning in this
But I was too busy counting the seven scars that you claimed defined you
Giving a heroic story to each
Slowly encoding your biography into my blood
I met you on the seventh of July
A glowering shadow across the bonfire
A smile filled with seven fake teeth
Hands that would become all too familiar in the months preceding

It took me seven days to memorize the seven numbers connecting you to me
One number a day for a whole week
Seven numbers that I cannot will myself to forget
I find my fingers attracted to each in succession
Only to hang up when I hear your raspy hello in the early hours of the morning

There are seven wonders of the world
I claim to have seen each
As I scour over your body
Finding the Taj Mahal carefully constructed of your hip bones
Balancing on the Great Wall of your fifth rib
Touring the marbled landscape of the Coliseum between your shoulder blades
Your smile
Hands
Nose
Voice
But there are also seven deadly sins
Lying tongues and tears shed

I've constructed all these scenarios in my mind that make it my fault why you left
but each one ends in false contradictions
you did have a valid reason
i just didn't want to hear it because it broke my heart

and i asked you what you would do if i never spoke to you again
as we were laying in bed morphed together into one being
and you simply said
"i would move on"
those words made me retract into the being i had just hatched from
because i had contorted my mind into thinking this was something that neither of us would just be able to "move on" from

it turns out it was just me
and you are the one that stopped talking to me
now i have to figure out how to live your words
we both know my answer wouldn't have been so simple

thinking you were different was my crime

every night you stole from me like a waste of time

she is dancing down the hallway
laughing like the world is made of all the good things
like her favorite flowers and twinkling lights

and god how i wish i could bottle this moment
pull her close and protect her from the harsh reality of heartbreak
when she realizes that not everything is made out of ribbons and glitter

but for now i revel in this moment
watching her twirling down the hallway
thinking that she is my world
that she is full of all the good things

I have been waiting to tell you this for years
but every time my lips began to part all that was left on my tongue were the ghosts of words that were once there
my throat starts closing and it feels like i have just swallowed a million shards of glass
so i don't say it
i want to say it
but the glass is multiplying and i can't
i can't tell you
i already know it won't work out
we've tried after all and we were always on different planets
thousands of light years away
it is 7 p.m. and i am thinking about you as much as i do when i can't sleep at 4 a.m and
now that we are on the same planet
i've found the words that were lost for so long
and they sound **** close to I Love You

I carry the guilt
like the devil is on my shoulder

I didn't mean to steal your thunder
you should have never been put on the back burner

you were my warrior
in the battle that became

I just wanted to be like you
envied the strength that you portrayed

Just know
that you deserve everything you came to be

I still have yet to make peace with the past
and to do that
can we go back to the beginning?

rewrite the past
to leap into the future

Delilah baby I can feel the weight of you in my arms.

I can feel my k to z love for you and see how that laugh of yours makes people cry
and how that smile pierces my heart because it looks just like his did.

I can feel the sun kissing each one of our toes as we sit overlooking the grand canyon in the kaleidoscope sunset.
your spider fingers are wrapped in my hair like a plea to never be left alone
your spindle legs are all knobby kneed and pale entwined with mine.

baby he left me not you.

I was a hurricane and he loved you too much to look

afraid that one glance and he'd be head over heels reeling out of control
like you were the drug and he was the addict.

they say everything happens for a reason and you are my reason.

Delilah baby you are the here and the now of forever.
the stop sign on the corner is an obstacle for street racers but its a godsend because its just enough of a pause for me to kiss you between the eyes.

and I can't ever finish anything so this story isn't complete

and at the top of the pass where the air is clear enough if we sing loud enough maybe he will hear us and remember who he left behind.

see, I loved you with everything I had
and I know you loved me the best you could without loving yourself
you were fighting demons of your own design
doing everything you could to calm the eternal flames rising from your core

I spent years begging them to possess me instead
years fighting for you to love me in a way you couldn't

in the end, I got what I had been begging for

now, I am trying to dampen the flames rising from my core
fighting demons of my own design

the way he rolled his cigarettes was godly
and i know baby that you miss how he tastes of smoke and loneliness
and i know that you miss breathing in his aroma of stale coffee and sweat

you told me about how his hands caressed you like you were a whisper
and how he bit into your skin like you were something to be devoured

Does it count when she changed her mind at the last moment
that she whimpered no over and over, but you couldn't here over the slapping of skin on skin.

He says "Don't tell anyone,
he says, people don't want to hear poems about things like **** and death and the ugly."

But why, it is the wrenching truth?

No one wants to hear about another woman's body being violated
they say, "It happens all the time, you were asking for it."

Does it count that he had a girlfriend?
When he pinned her on her stomach with arms over her head
forcing the innocent from her body, slapping used on her forehead so she felt like a piece of trash

Does it count when she took months to tell her mom why the lights had shut off in her eyes?
When she couldn't look her dad in the eye because she was so ashamed,
when she retracted from the slightest touch.

Does it still count?

You are doing your best
and bettering yourself

While,
I am doing my best
yet I am destroying my body, mind and soul
Doing everything I can to be here

Because you are better without me
but I was better with you...

do you remember me
bruised and beaten
spun around
no sense of direction

do you remember me
wild and fearless
laughing without a cause

do you remember me at all?

I've been drinking bleach lately to rid you of this body
drinking cocktails of clorox and ammonia to scorch you from my insides
you are like a stain that won't be scrubbed out
you left this canvas so ***** that there is no hope that it will ever be white and innocent ever again

I have mistaken love for 12 nights of forced entries

I should have called the cops on this burglary because I can't find my innocence

the last time I saw it it was driving away in a gray F-150 spewing dirt from the tires

I think he lost it in the dust as I ran after him

but he doesn't want me with out it

I wish i knew you earlier.
I wish I could have been the one to save you, not her

You cannot talk about her and pull me close
You cannot bring me coffee with promises in the sugar
and the taste of your lips

To me you will no longer be a metaphor
you will no longer be my DNA
nor the wind
nor the feeling of hot fingers on my skin

you will be the man that i wish I had known earlier
you will be the person in the past

and I will finally be free.

The strongest earthquake ever recorded was a 9.5 on the richter scale
the ground began to shake
quivering at first rattling the tea cups on the shelf until
buildings began to crumble like they were made from a deck of cards
falling to the ground into heaps of rubble

sometimes I feel like I am stuck under the rubble
weighing down on my chest
crushing the air out of my lungs
but I think somewhere along the line I got used to it
made peace with the fact that no one was going to find me

You encompass me
you are up
you are down
you are the streetlight on the empty street
you are that stranger
you are that doorknob
you are that tree
you are that outlet
you are everywhere
you feed me

It’s like nothing in this world ever sleeps. I creep through the dark house he had inhabited till so recently. Still the coffee *** is stained with dark, rich, brown streaks, it looks as if it had just been used this morning. I can picture his gaping lips slightly closing around the chipped rim of his favorite mug, thick steam rising up the sides of the cup continuing up into his nose, his eyes, his ears, slowly dissipating as it collides with the solid jaw bone of his face. God, the dripping from the sink is enough to make anyone crazy, the rhythmic plop, plop, plop as the liquid collides with the cold, dark, steel basin. The house is alive, his energy engulfs me just as his perfect cigarette stem fingers used to, but the sensation becomes over powering and I gasp for breath. I gasp for the oxygen that has somehow forced its way up, out of my lungs. Stumbling to the door I spill out in a heap on the front lawn. I look up and across the street, not more than one hundred feet from me is the spot we first met. The pavement now scarred with the ethereal ghosts of what once was, what is, and what is to come. This was the place it all began and it all ended.

-K

I wrote a poem for you the other day but ill never give it to you
Just like i wrote you a letter everyday that i felt your memory swipe at my brain stem that month of June
You left footprints when you walked out unknowing that i could follow but as time wore on the footprints began to fade and so did you..

You're running and running and running
the last time you felt like this the world inevitably came to a smothering halt at a deadened full of darkness

You're running and running and running
the abyss is getting closer and closer and closer
close your eyes and leap

You're running and running and running
and nowhere feels like home.

I am a bomb

timed to detonate at the slightest movement

I have spent an innumerable amount of time listening to you about him and you and you and you

So tell me one more time that I am selfish when I ask you to listen to the diagnosis

I will not ask again

I will not listen again either

I will walk to the tropic of cancer to relieve the pressure of your ego upon my shoulders

I will walk this path alone, on no schedule but my own

I will walk this path alone

maybe i am foolish,
for i feel i am biding my time
waiting to meet my creator
drawing my blood to check if i am still alive
purging memories from my mind
gulping  hallucinogens to try and see the future
but all i can see is the past
all i can see is you

i remember the nights we filled the air with laughter
shining our faces to the stars greeting them like old friends
lying on a carpet of grass that molded to our bodies
listening to each others breath sounding like the hymns of angels descending

but now all i can do is sleep
pretending the world hasn't ****** me up seven ways to sunday
trying to calm the rattling in my lungs
trying to pretend i haven't bee split in two like the spine of a book and ruined everything inside

I have never felt as close to you as when home died holding my hand
Amidst flannel sheets and goose down comforters
Your memory waded through the Pacific to me
Finally finding the truth in absence

It ******* hurts

Murky skied nights write poems in dark water
Leaving the stars to fend for themselves
Like orphaned children waiting for death to spin the wheel backwards
Trick time to get one more day

Human beings have five vital organs
but the most interesting of these is the heart
even the heart tries to keep us from looking back
blood flows through on a one way street, teaching us the importance of moving forward

I hope you find it brave girl
i hope you find someone that does more than embrace your flaws
no, i hope you find someone that colors outside your lines
someone that sees your rough edges and jigsaws themselves to fit into you
i hope that you find that brave girl
i hope you are loved like you deserve