i am so exhausted by consistently loving you while you inconsistently "love" me

We see eachother
Through our screens
And we see nothing at all.
All of us,
Our pixels staged
Like empty vendor stalls.

Substituting eye contact with
Fingertips on
Static.
Everything emotional
Is frozen,
Mathematic.

I am longing inside out
For
Savage,
Revealing
Touch

Warmed not by
Electricity,
But by a  
Carnal
Flush.

"Stop fighting"
He says, a hint of annoyance in his voice

I don't listen
I punch desperately at his shadow
Try to choke him and find my hands at my own throat
Claw for air, space, to be away from him

And all the sudden, he's there
With a roll of his eyes
Crossed the room in one, two steps
And he's there

He pins my wrists tight to my chest
I shut my eyes as quickly as I can
I can't... I won't...

"I said stop fighting"
He insists
"You're only hurting yourself"

He's right of course
My head throbs, my smile fades
He's always right in the end

"Look at me"
He commands
I squeeze my eyes tighter, shaking my head slightly
I can't... I won't...

I do

The shock of his cold, black eyes rushes through me
I cry uncontrollably, but all of my tears freeze

"You brought me here"
He reminds me
His voice a howling rush of wind
As I'm pushed further into the vacuum of his eyes

I want to tell him
I was too young to know what I asked for
But he knows that's a lie
I want to beg
Please let me go
Take me or leave me, just let me go

I tremble further against the wall
But it's like it's no longer there
And all that's left to do is fall, and fall, and fall...

He looks away
I gasp, trying to remember how to breathe

A faint smile ghosts across his lips
"Stop fighting"
He warns
And leaves me sinking into the floor

I grab my wrists, desperately trying to find a pulse
His words echo in my ringing ears
Stop fighting, accept

I shiver uncontrollably
Wrap myself in blankets and cuddle up to the radiator
But I cannot chase from my soul
The cold of his eyes

I know what it's like to meet Death
*I know what it means to die

You are never gonna get
everything you want in this world.
First things first,
get what you deserve.

The smallest things are the strongest things
As I got older I got smaller I got stronger
Boats guided by rudders
Bridges held by hinges
Trees anchored by roots
Brains fired by synapses
Depth conveyed by words
These small things these strong things these guiding things these supporting things these hidden things

He was smiling,
But I know that smile.
That's the
"Thinking about something else, someone else. Are we done yet?"
Smile.

He made a silly face,
But I know that face.
That's the
"How many likes can this get, how much immediate gratification can I get?"
Face.

He held her close,
And I cringe.
Not because it hurts,
No.
I cringe because I feel pity for the poor girl.
I know that body language.
That's the
"You are a possession,  you are an item."
Way he holds his arms.
That's the
"You're a trophy, you're my possession."
Way he props his shoulders.

I don't appreciate her friends
Sending me pictures of them together,
But after blocking them,
I push down the urge to save her.
It's not my business, it's not my place.
Hopefully he changed for her.

But I know that the self-serving monster
That he is
Will always somehow survive.

Of course, what do I know?
He was a blip on my radar of life.
A single year gone to waste.

His wounds won't last
So deep.

transparent seeds
nest in winter hollows
the future reflected
in all-knowing eyes
an internal compass buried
in each golden heart

dappled forest light
on the natal stream
memories of salt
ingrained within
the latent lure
of open ocean

our destinies are silver
a return to clear waters
transformed revenants
glassy-eyed and gasping
on the gravel bed
that birthed us