Maybe this doesn't matter at all
Especially because the way I may have treated you,
and maybe you'll never even see this,
but if you do,
I think that you should know some things.
I beat myself up a lot.
Fully responsible for the pain that you endured.
I think about you
outside
in the rain
in the gutter.
I notice you. Constantly.
In the back of my mind.
Something completely beautiful.
There's something gorgeous about the way the rain hides your tears.
About the way you look with wet hair.
I constantly want to go outside
and bring you in
and make you soup
and cocoa
and tea.
I want to help you get undressed
and dry you off,
changing into something,
soft and warm.
Safe.
I'll wrap you in a towel
and wrap you in my arms.
Tracing your figure gently,
like the road going home.
We'll construct a blanket fort.
And it'll be our secret castle.
Away from the world.
I see you shrinking.
I know that you are.
But maybe we could shrink down together
and make our fort an entire estate;
where I can make a memory with you
in each achre.
And when it gets cold,
we can scrimp and save,
and rent a dollhouse
for our summer home.
You wont have to worry
about other people seeing you sweat.
We'll close the blinds and draw the curtains
and stay naked-
vulnerable.
A place of our own creation.
You and me.
I think about the things we shared.
The late nights.
The secrets.
I always wonder how you are.
I long for you.
I crave your words like I crave
the nicotine, or the alchohol, or the abuse
that I need in order to
keep my thoughts off of you.
Sometimes I still think about it
because I'm crazy
and unfair-
jumping on a plane, I mean-
to expect you to be waiting for me on the other side.
I think about you all the time. Whether you believe me or not.
Or whatever you choose.
I dwell on you. I haven't stopped.
Like a near death experience.
The only thing that's ever really made me feel alive.
Completely whole.
******* I think about  you all the time.
Forbidden fruit. Something I shouldn't be reaching out for.
I want to dress your wounds.
Take care of you when you fall.
Douse you in antiseptic
wrap your bandages
and seal each cut with a kiss.
I haven't stopped thinking about you at all.
There is something about the way your heart makes my heart flutter.
And the way your soul speaks beautiful perfect poetry to mine.
I'd also be a liar if I said I didn't think about staring into your eyes, or the way you smell like lilacs and honey, or the peaches and cream of your skin.
My favorite dessert.
Something that I indulge in.
I want to taste you.
Every last drop.
Warm saltwater
lemon juice,
birthday cake
life giving nectar.
I've held my lips against a rose petal,
unconsciously,
wishing it were you.
Dying for the real thing.
I miss your voice. A sweet song.
Deep lulliby.
The most humbling thing I've ever heard.
Thunder
the roar of the ocean
harsh winds
butterfly wings
bubbling brooks
gentle rains.
Perfection.
I long for you with my whole being,
and whether it means anything to you or not,
I still thought that you should know.

I'm sorry I wasn't worth it,
but you didnt even put up a fight,
Everything in the world must be wrong,
If you and me arent right.
And right now it feels like,
This broken heart wont mend,
Cause every time I wake up,
It hurts all over again.

I wish that I was everything,
That you want me to be,
but its so hard to be perfect,
If you live like me.

Even if I had listened,
Id have to confess,
The words that people told me wouldnt,
Make it hurt any less.

I'm sorry I wasn't worth it,
but you didnt even put up a fight,
Everything in the world must be wrong,
If you and me arent right.
And right now it feels like,
This broken heart wont mend,
Cause every time I wake up,
It hurts all over again.

If I had known that this short time,
Would bring me so much pain,
The memories were worth it,
And id do it all the same.

But all of my sad thoughts lately,
Are sad because of you,
And every time I cry i wonder,
If you miss me too.

I'm sorry I wasn't worth it,
but you didnt even put up a fight,
Everything in the world must be wrong,
If you and me arent right.
And right now it feels like,
This broken heart wont mend,
Cause every time I wake up,
It hurts all over again.

It hurts all over again,
When will the heartache end?
Hurts all over again.

This one person..
I hope..
Comes and reads
All my poems..
From start
To finish...
Undeleted...
My undiluted words...
And realises
how much
He has changed
My life..
And how much
He has changed
Himself..

This one person..
I hope..
Comes and reads
All my poems..
And realises He
is special
To me...
But not in a way
that can be
put into a box...
Lover
Friend
Mentor..all in one?
I don't know...

This one person..
I hope..
Comes and reads
All my poems..
And understands
how much I am scared
for Him to get hurt..
By pain giving
Entities from the past...
And realises
That I will
Stand for him...
Unbidden
Protective
Always..

The thought of me is a passing breeze to you,
But the clock strikes 4am. and where are you,
The thunder of my mind cracks and whips,
You aren't here,

You are off, long past my message goodnight,
Probably still awake enacting every betrayal,
Or likely just asleep without concern of me,
Which is worse?

Yet I will hold my broken spirit till morn,
Whenever you grace my humble figure,
I'll hold the betrayal to those same eyes,
That will always start with I Love You.

I keep seeing your eyes everywhere i go.
I keep feeling your arms wrapped around me
in my dreams.
Sometimes i'll be driving through
a beautiful sunset
and your scent will come
across me.
I had every crack and callus on your
hands memorized.
And now I barely remember the sound of
your voice.
And thats life
and I am trying to be okay with that.
Okay with the fact that I might die
one day without ever seeing you again,
hearing you again.
You were my life and now
you're absolutely nothing but
a memory.
All I want to know is if you
miss me too.
This is the cold truth about life.

All at once, it was a rainy day
Chilling and grey,
And I wanted you to stay
But you had to go
So I took back my "hello"
And kissed you goodbye
While the clouds in sky
Continued to cry,
"Oh, who am I?"