I can feel you,
not just in the morning when I’m imagining it’s your hair my fingers are running through or pretending my blankets are your legs bundled closely and intertwining mine
I feel your angst and anger, a tension will brood into my room enshrouding my bed like a canopy, immediately casting a shadow across my face.
It doesn’t anger me, I feel connected and just want to convey.
I’m with you
Never against you
Yes, darling it’s true, I can feel you.

Broken bones just being set, beginning to mend as I left home
Still getting to know the new parts of me, adjusting to, plates and screws holding on, bones still feel loose, cracked and used from all the distant memories and vast views cast from the rear view, pay attention now because this is your healing, these feelings are stitches in skin, patience, feeling the thread pull you together from within, wait now for there’s is no room for wearing thin

I looked off in the distance, a horizon of mountains strung together, the whole range atop an alpine lake.

I looked out only to be fixated on your tanned skin wadding off in the water, the same skin that I’d watched darken in the summers sun, the same skin I became so familiar with under the covers of blankets and snow. Layered but much paler than your tone now, it always was winter months that inspired warmer thoughts.

But there you are, you’re no longer the warm thoughts I pined to grasp.
You’re here in view and more than I could’ve ever imagined, watching you unlace your boots and rip your socks off in rolled clumps as you marched through the overly saturated banks still recovering from the past, the thawing warmth of spring at the end of a snow season, just like you.
Taking high steps, you feel the mud tugging at your heels, attempts to hang on, to cling instead of breaking clean free only to be washed away with another plummeting progressive step. Each part of you beginning to drown a little more in the experience.

If this is a safe space, then let me speak honestly for a moment

Because I’ve been wanting to disappear, and I’m trying to decide if I should vanish all at once or if I could let myself slowly start to fade away.
Taking my time with the goodbyes, as I’m hugging family members I’m watching my finger tips regress to their first knuckle joints behind their backs.

Going to shake an old friends hand and realizing I’m only able to offer them a short section of my forearm.  They try not to be rude about it, exchanging nice to see you’s and hope you’ve been wells.

Once I couldn’t see my arms anymore and my legs began to fade I finally felt fearful and maybe even regret..
I wanted to come see you before it happened for good, before there was nothing left to see. I can feel you looking for the parts of me that should be there, no hands to hold, no arms to hug you, my torso was starting to slim and slip away like grains of sand through an hour glass.

I felt my breath tighten, you don’t expect to feel your last pieces fading but this was hurting much more than I ever thought it would and I couldn’t let you see me like that so I ran, and I ran far.

Just as I feel like I’m drifting off I hear you call for me and I realize this was a mistake and that I never was meant to disappear or fade away, I was never meant to say good byes, at least not so soon, maybe not now and maybe not ever.

Turns out vanishing all at once always was an acquired taste and I had no pallet for it, there are no second thoughts. At least I’ve began to be okay with the process, the gradual fading has brought me comfort, but I could never leave here.. At least not without saying, goodbye.

I remember saying "You're going to have to be careful" and her head would tilt just enough for me to see the confused scrunch in her eyebrows. A grin formed half consciously on my face, "you're going to have to be careful, most people can't do this without falling for me."
The confused scrunch in her eyebrows burnt into a faint flicker of annoyance and fell down her face into her eyes but she managed to answer with a laugh in her voice as she pulled back the sheets and stepped into the hallway, "Whatever you say. We'll see".

Looking back I'm not sure if I was warning her or myself, but I do know that wouldn't be the last time my insecure arrogance would cause me to watch her walk away

Sunspots,
we made eye contact, her fiery gaze was so bright all I could see were sunspots.
It started as just one but I didn't want to look away, I couldn't, and god ****** it burnt. My vision started to falter and that little speck of darkness began to grow.
Sunspots
My trance-like stare remained unbroken, I was being burnt from within
Sunspots, until one turned into ten.
I felt her heat deep beneath the surfaces of skin and as the heat rose my little sunspots became all I could see.
I was dumbfounded, lost, her radiance had blinded me.
Confused and scared I spun about to see if there were any traces of light left in the dark, Sunspots.
It wasn't long till I began to lose hope, beaten and broken with my toes dangling off the floor I hung myself and used her as the rope.
Sunspots, as my little dark circles couldn't possibly get any darker the rope snapped and my vision came too.
There on my knees I began to sob, I was so captivated I let light burn me out.
Sunspots
When I picked myself up, to my surprise I could still see her glow.
Sunspots
She had remained present through the night, hidden behind a thick shroud, unpiercable by the most furious of light.
I glanced softly, tracing the aura surrounding her, I couldn't bring myself to make eye contact even though my entire chest was pounding for her.
Sunspots
I've learned a gentle focus is key, I can bask in her radiance without her worry of burning
Sunspots
I can finally see

I always picture my passions as one of two elements; Fire or Water
There's something about both of them that is mysterious but completely understood.

There's a comfort in the warmth and crackling of an open flame, but the closer you get the more the fire will show you it's fierceness and pain.
Fire is insatiable and will consume you.

Water often times inspires a looming calmness, a sense of relaxation.
But have you ever found yourself being swallowed by its waves? Have you felt the pressure of its never ending depths crushing you from the inside out?

There's a beautiful marriage between the two in me, one day the things I love will flow like a river and the next I'll chase after it like a wildfire. I will forever drown and be swallowed whole, I will ignite and never extinguish.