Yesterday, eloquently
Feeling.

Today, apathy
Resounding.

Half the poems I like
I do so simply because
I think you are hot
To be fair now, I mean
Inside and out.

Dried tears are my blanket,
Bitter loneliness my pillow
And my dreams are in the past
Or something else I'd rather not see.

It makes me ******* sick.
Hearing you ask if I am happy,
Knowing very well that I can't be happy,
Knowing very well that when I needed you most, to just say, "there,there"
You disappeared.

I haven't been truly happy in four long years. I've grown up so much but it seems I've left only a trail of n'er shed tears.
It's a cold and bitter road, here
Looking into the past and seeing yourself,
Conquered by self defeating fear, to know I had so many chances and one left or one right, and more likely than not you'd still be near.

There is no forgiveness there's just rot. We call it moving forward, it's natural they say, but for me it's not. It's grim like the reaper and it keeps me up a lot flashes of flashes, of futures unwrought.

So you come to me now wondering how I've been. And these tortures of mind begin to circle in. I'm sly and smooth at first. But so very soon I'm pushing. Pressing. Reminding you of my desperate longing for a memory of you to end my phoney lonely self. You shut down. God you were always the best at shutting down, such an adorable abnoxious little tick.. **** I still love you. **** does it make me sick.

My car broke down today.
I am depressed.

I tried to get it up the hill, but it could not make it.
I am depressed.

I could not sell anything at work today.
I am depressed.

I am on the pursuit of happiness.
And I am depressed.

I am torn between two paths.
And I am depressed.

I'm listening to those same sad songs.
And I am so depressed.

I feel like vomiting and ******* and crying.
Oh yes, I am depressed.

I couldn't find what it was to be happy.
I have been so depressed.

I'm writing this with my eyes closed now.
It makes me a little less depressed.

I could only find a void.
I stayed quite depressed.

When I laughed it even reached my eyes for a while,
but underneath, unbeknownst even to me I remained
very depressed.

I thought I could determine my own emotions,
What a fool I've been, depressed.

Tryed to find my self worth hidden somewhere,
There are no values when you are depressed.

I'm remembering different me's,
but I don't know anything, depressed.

Where will I go from here,
I don't care, just let me be, depressed.

Oh I may never change,
I may always be,
depressed.

Just to hear your breath,
Even though I am literally deaf,
Oh the twinkle in your mischievous eyes,
The realization that in another world, another life,
Your mine...

It's too much,
My once great mind is,
made low, by the self-same beats of
my heart.
My love I've let you go,
Oh and I cried, that day I died,
Take me back there, let me take you back,
I want that John back,
That's reluctantly in your arms.

I am without you.
Who knew death could feel so good,
Another lonely ******,
Le petit mort,
And oh I only want more,
I find myself addicted to your absence,
Coursing through my sickened blood,
Hungry, ravenous, Like the Raven,
Nevermore,
Darling, love, dearest,
I'm listening to breakup songs,
And it's how many years since,
It's not an obsession,
Because I constantly forget,
but when I wake and take my shower,
Its your body my mind connects with,
I'm nothing, humanity, life,
there is no meaning
a void an absence,
That's why we all seek connection,
Hey if you'll understand me,
Maybe I AM something,
No, just a dream,
Fleeting among the sea,
Washed away till you are alone at shore,
Beached, frostbitten, with a lost stare,
Looking at the sky,
Dreaming up a heaven,
And that you will
take me there.
Not anymore.

I loved it when the Snowflakes fell
On the fourth of July.
They tittered there, in my eyes,
Captivating you as you stood idly by.

It made you think of yesteryears,
So cold in the snow, the forest here,
But as it quietly fell all round' you did not fear,
it was the chill that made you feel warm, alive, real.

Your blank spheres connected with mine, across time
and through space you could see the patterns,
they too made you feel alive, a blink of life,
A maze of God made man to get lost in,
and, alas, you felt, a tingle, a spark,
a fire in your heart,
A tickle on your cheek,
A nerve run down your spine,
It was inebriating, illuminating,
without form or word, just a feeling,
And the smile never reached my lips but
You could feel the darkness my little snowflakes,
Reminisced.

I saw you on the screen
But when I looked into your eyes
I realized, we are all just mirrors
And that the Destiny lies in the
In between.

You can cover yourself in makeup,
As I cover myself in my lies,
But lady, lovely, I would die,
If it would only mean,
You would wake up,
Bare for only mine eyes to see,
Your naked soul there,
Next to me. Warming.

The sun does rise, I promise you,
Sweetly, and those hard times,
You find yourself upon emptily,
Wisdom is not gained happily, no,
The pain you know seem all consuming,
But release onto me your sorrows and trials,
And I will consummate your trust verily.

And In that darkness where you find yourself
alone and cold among strangers just know
Any one of us could be someone you love
if only you gave life a chance then, surely,
You'll find some light to guide you home
And you just might find me waiting for you there,
You, my perfect Destiny.

Years later now you are still in my dreams,
so sweet they make me sick and I awake in a
cold sweat. alone. freezing but truly devoid of
all feeling. numb. but nauseous with my traitorous heart
riotously repeating. ba bump ba bump ba bump.
but they never said it would be so fleeting
the one in your life you loved in a world so
misleading following you back into your psyche
your silly boy dreams all these years later
beginning to end and back again the poetic meanings
and you just want to call her a ***** but you can not bring
yourself to stop breathing and start screaming
only darkness is comforting where do you go
to forget you need eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
but mine is only bleeding and my gut is ripping myself open so simply
that I feel like a child teething, bone going through gums cutting
and gnashing and your face your beautiful face and your smile
and laugh and those eyes and your body and your soul and your
****** up heart and mind wrapping around mine but no
years later I still realize everything we had was merely
a Lie.

Oh the path to balance is laid with humility,
But nary a step to success is made in this industry,
without the pebble stones of ego,
lining the walls of of your wallet,
like the vaginal fluids of a well aged harlot.
Thirsty, THIRSTY, then thirsty some more!
Well when only the money drives you, truly,
Dr. Seuss, the places you will go, but for me, no,
I wander lost on the warn down dirt road,
leaning left, tilting right, fighting to find
my own self-same light. For the nights are cold,
though the temperatures warm, and my mind,
races by considering which parallel line is surely,
mine.

I came back for my own memorial,
I sat back and smiled,
only you could see me,
I knew you would.
Your eyes could not perceive but
you believed
and with your heart I met yours and you cried
deeply.

The blades of grass swayed,
and mostly everyone talked and laughed,
but you were hardly breathing.
I remembered now when I was a baby,
Teething, looking at you there was indeed, a nostalgic feeling
Bone cutting through flesh, inside being rendered
outward but I'm nothing, not anymore,
Just an apparition, a memory of that person I used to be,
And after a while your heart stopped bleeding,
And you closed your eyes and decided,
My smile was disheartening
And I died.
Oh, so quickly.

Ever wonder why they name hurricanes after women?
Cuz the devil got tired of em.
My twisted philosophies, my self destructing
constructions see nothing but the
objectification of my cleverly repressed desires.
Such is life such is poetry.
But worry not little ones,
For soon enough I'll rage
and another storm will come.
another **** banished from min paradise,
to mask a void never quite filled
in my heads of six.

Oi I see those coula
woulda
shoulda beens but
its so long past that I forgot
why it mighta been
yet I can't quite forget how
good they lookin so i'm
stayin at home facebook lookin
and their ***** are growin an
I missed em.
I miss em.
I am without them.
And I fade away.
Sic em.

Oh I can't make money
On the blood I print.
I'm just another voice in the wind
Screaming "Here I am!"

And the gods are still silent.
Just like you, irreverent
to the needs of such an inhumble
man.

I awkwardly said,
I want to share my poems aloud,
At this place, underground.
I'd like it if you came.

No reply.

I anxiously mentioned,
Some of them will have you in them,
I'd like it if you came and heard,
What I had to say.

No reply.

A few days later, you talk to me, randomly.
I mention I want to see you.
I've had a bad day.

What's been bad, you say?

My job isn't working out and
my car situation is all ****** up,
and my family is ****** up too.

You don't have your car anymore?

No, family needed it more than I.
And I want to save some down before I get mine.
I say.
Emptily. Thinking. No big deal.
This is smart. This is what people do.

But you never replied.
Not once when I needed you the most.

Looking back I'm frustrated.
I cared an awful lot.
And because I did I shared myself instead of
Partaking in you. And I think at a point it became so...
needy. So frustrating. So unmanly in your eyes, that
combined with some ****** dysfunction,
we just died on the vine. Black, withered, and disgusting.
So even though we remembered being green it just,
could not go back that way. And the irony was if I had
just ever figured out how to be nonchalant,
and not care so ever ******* much,
then, chances are, you'd have been my lady.
Life is weird. People... relationships... I don't know.
It's a cruel joke sometimes. Ain't a poem for you anymore.
You never really wanted.... that. I don't know what you want but,
It isn't me. Not anymore.

My sister said, **** that *****.
I smiled wryly and thought,
Once, but nevermore.

I think in the dark times of the night.
Even when the sky is bright,
Perhaps in a few years, when we are older...
I think with fear of a primal sort.
I have a girl that I love,
who I adore, and who doesn't necessarily mistreat me,
who keeps me though I'm an *******, and will take me
rich or poor but...
If you ever became someone who would come
and listen to my poetry
and hear what I have to say to you,
and cared, a little bit, sincerely,
and ever found me in your heart, truly, again...
What would I do?
I don't know but disgustingly,
I may always love you.

Wise words float in and out of my mind
Like water falling from the sky,
Until one day it dries up,
And the skies are clear and blue today.
Just blank.
I find it darker than those creative storm shades of grey.

I got an addiction, baby,
That sicklesweet look in my eyes, darlin',
I need that feeling, of     beaming,
raven red cast shades of delusion dreaming,
You and me in a beach house sleepin',
Ne'er to be, Ne'er to be,
Nay just this self-serving depression, easing,
back into mold back into form, a dark caricature of me,
Better to bleed, nay I love the urge, and drink the fear descending,
down self-same stairs in paradoxical downward upward patterns,
Don't shake me, don't wake me, I'll only smile discreetly,
But In my Eye the Demons will fly, and oh will they thrash and rage,
their hunger for more suffering ever unrelenting...
and still i'll Feel,
nothing.

Comforting like an old friend.
Gone but always there,
And now back,
Again.

I am
really good at
tearing away
people who love me.

On the one hand confidence
On the other humility,
And the middle path?
Success.

Hustle.
******* work.
Make yourself great.
You don't need goals.
You need to be the best you.

Remember where you came from.
Burn yourself at your lowest point in your mind.
Feel sickened. Never again.
For yourself. No one else.

Make your money. Earn your living.
Accept nothing less.
You are the best.
Get the best. And Give only what and to those,
Whom you deem worthy.

Take the punches.
Nothing will beat you up like life.
You will get knocked down.
Get up. Even if it's the next day.
Don't stay down. The most you'll ever be alive,
Is when you are closest to dying.

Rule your emotions.
Do not be ruled by them.
Therefore you shall rule others,
Who will fall prey to your will and
perseverance, while,
being consumed by their own emotional pulls.

Keep a vision in your mind.
What you are. What you want.
What you need. Who you want there with you.
Take it. Own it. Own yours.
And then tell me,
How Great You Are.

lidless eyes
and the thought that
I'll never get better
is comforting in its
own particularly dreadful way
waves of solitude
self imposed and ever increasing
can't won't fit in afraid to fit out
misunderstood and still in search of self
identity folks is more important than anything
it just ***** when your self
is... not much at all
just a phase
i hope

I almost made it,
I play scenes over and over again in my mind,
Almost kissed her,
Almost loved that girl,
Almost made that play,
Almost saved my brother,
Almost had her say what she was really thinking,
Almost sold that car,
Almost wasn't depressed for a year and a half,
I almost was happy,
I was just a few years too old,
I just didn't have a car,
I almost believed in myself,
I almost didn't give up,
I'm so young but I'm almost dead,
Life goes on just a bit too long,
I almost want a fast forward,
Yeah yeah it's nice and all, but, let's skip to the end,
Oh I almost know where I'll go,
Cuz' I can't stop looking at where I've been,
I'll just keep eating my own tail,
And I'll almost get what I want,
Almost, but not quite.

Don't be material,
They say with condescending gleams,
Oh it is the devil,
you'll find, a way to hell,
and nothing more.
Meanwhile, behind the curtains where they think themselves safe,
they beat it to child ****, with quite a similar gleam.

Oh I know what will **** me,
I won't smoke that cigarette,
But I will feel happy with success,
Oh I'll take that money and spend it,
On these amazing things capitalism and competition,
Drive the world to create.

I tell you what I don't know what joy is but,
I love my new phone,
And I've seen some real demons,
And they look a lot like you, judging,
They look hungry for righteousness,
And self satisfaction,
Well I get nothing off myself,
So I guess I'll settle for the world.
Ain't much of a poem I guess,
But at least it's something to take home.

I'll write a poem a day,
and maybe that way everything will be
okay.

I'll look up at that oil covered sky,
that peculiar black stained shade of grey,
those wisps of condensation tilled out,
like fields of wheat and
creased tightly through golden streaks,
of setting suns' last gleams,
and I'll sit lack jawed, if just for a second,
and wonder if truly my existence is worth it.

So much doubt running,
so very deep.
Yes, I'll write a poem a day,
as if...
nothing,
really.

Aye,
Eureka, I know my meaning,
Yes I will express that frustration,
of an infinite empty feeling.
That little almost insignificant voice that says to you,
It doesn't matter, none of this is real,
Well for each and every one of you I'll feel,
quite intensely in fact,
that ignominious void,
the elephant in the room,
and with tact and poise,
I'll illuminate it for you,
so you can live, and I can dream,
Sweet fruitful dreams of nothing.

We all just want a moment where we feel in tune with our environment.  And we'll all just chase that feeling of home. We'll climb hills change states follow every road. We will struggle and claw and crawl. We will fight through snow, earthquake, and hellfire. We will never settle. We will pack our bags, and we won't look back when we close the door. We will leave our lovers standing there crying. We will leave childless fathers and fatherless childs equally. We will drink on our journeys. We will breathe black and exhale white, burning red to feel alright. We will lose touch with the colors of the sunset. We will fall down the staircase, break a leg and keep moving. We won't have food on the table. We will isolate our beings. We will die alone in the cold. We will quit our jobs. We will waste our freedom. We'll bury ourselves alive. We'll swim the seas, we'll climb the mountains, we'll burn the trees, WE WILL fight till we die, WE WILL say no to everything stubbornly, WE WILL cry as our feet bleed, WE WILL sing songs no one remembers, and we'll leave our homes, we'll break our families hearts, oh we will never be satisfied and we will do it all for the sake of... what? We will be human in the pursuit of something more and something less. And no matter where we go or what we see I'll tell us all now, don't you worry, we'll all be buried together, with our sins, in the same Flaming Sea.

All I ever wanted left me,
So I took it all.
All my lovers betrayed me,
So I ruined thee.
All I've ever known was subjective,
So I really knew nothing.
All my advice was selfish,
So I grinned right throughly.

I'm a wonderful caricature,
of what it means to be human.
Clowned up, and distorted,
that is the vision of me.
But worry not, fair sweet.
I'll be here as you worry and rot.
And I will feed.

I am all six circles of hell,
I am every demon.
I am the lie in the truth,
That glints so eagerly,
In the soft blue eyes of mine,
That can almost... make you feel mine.
Almost, but just out of a trance,
nay nothing ever was, just a circle,
That has never closed, just a cycle that,
has no history, impotent, yet
all consuming, I can't find the truth,
So I'll live in the lies, and they shall be,
The ties that I bind,
myself and others, delicately,
deliciously enjoying the feast,
I provide, alone, in the dark,
talking to those who live,
far far away in here, so that in my hell,
I can reside as king, and feel in control,
or an owner of something.

Yet still I awake,
stilly, I create,
These little poems on my own,
That you'll read on your own.
And you'll think, something but,
It'll be gone abruptly, as if you almost held a star,
but it twinkled unlucky.

I find it interesting that
We place ourselves
In the sight of others.

I ain't ever gonna be the man
I was supposed to be.
Oh no, that shining soul,
was washed out to sea.

But maybe, just maybe,
I'll become who I am,
Turn in, quite magically,
To the best version of myself.

One day, on a wish,
I'll stop dreading my being,
I'll look into the mirror,
And accept the fact I am seeing.

I will no longer mourn the skin I have shed,
The layers of self,
The visages of what could have,
Should have been.

I am that I am,
My brother and mother are long dead,
My father now, distantly,
I will climb.

This pit will no longer hold,
My essence, no longer keep,
Me imprisoned, I'll decide my limits,
I'll reach my heavens.

And I might even take you,
I might very well build a home,
A place for us, and our living,
I might just become who I am,
Before I turn into dust.
I only have this one chance, to turn around
Before my life crumbles in rust...
I must, I don't know, but I'll struggle,
Until I can handle,
oh or till the day I can trust,
The way you look at me.

The once little, little prince,
stood wide-eyed, unto the sunless sky,
there, winged was she,
Rapunzel fair, princess no longer for he.

You see, he doesn't remember now,
how long ago it was he was told,
To find a princess, locked far away,
and if patient be ye, so too will treasure most pure,
be
his own.

And when, after many years traveling hence,
he arrived there upon the scene,
of the long, lonely tower, spiraling up,
there on and until the single window,
opened gently, and residing faintly,
laid a dream, he could not appease,
nay, no matter how much he rubbed his eyes,
Still, did the little prince look up and see,
Fair Rapunzel, in all her resplendent beauty.

Wait, she said, smiling gold,
In just a few years hence,
She laughed, merrily,
Will my hair grow long enough,
for you my dear Prince,
To come on up and truly rescue me.
For now it is good to talk,
and dream and be, for surely still,
must my luck be overwhelming,
with you here, to keep me company.
With just, YOU, here, little prince,
eyes nearly watering, she whispered,
And now not for me to be so lonely.

The little prince's heart, somewhere long gone,
Along the way, had already flittered up,
Though she could scarcely feel it,
With tower keeping them at bay,
Indeed it it land on her doorstep,
And there, long, did it lay.

So for many years, the Little Prince,
And Rapunzel did lay,
Her up high, and he down low,
With her hair, growing more each day.
And he was happy though, he was not sure,
If he was more trapped than her,
encased, but with each days growth,
of her luscious golden hair, did each time,
take a bit of his aching heart, beat by beat,
before mind barely had a say.

And then, alas, a few seasons hence more,
Around the corner was he, into her arms,
Evermore.
But cruel fate did lay, such plans for naught,
For at once her hair doth shed, and wings did she partook,
Yea, Little Prince, said she, Though doeth I love you so,
And the price I paid was dark and grave,
No bargain have I pursued could ever be forsook,
As this, one feeling, oh to fly over stone,
valley, canyon, and brook,
To be free, untethered, beating release,
NO LONGER DO I NEED WAIT,
OH WITHOUT SUCH WASTEFUL WORDS AS PATEINCE!
Now I am my queen, and you,
She looked down softly,
Not even my cook.

And the little prince looked up in awe,
Always believing in that which he was seeing,
awful though was his mind, that, Even still,
as his heart did empty,
did it endeavor, hurriedly quick,
To deny that reality, of waiting for a trick.
I was a game, he thought, but still,
if this be a quirk of god or fate,
Even now, in its very face will I,
Lucifer, be, Agnostic in this,
my hell.

So he closed his red eyes,
as his angel did ascend,
ne'er close did he ever reach,
someone.
Just a story now,
for children,
and growing young men,
Don't wait so long for someone,
you love in a tower,
or else you'll find yourself,
too, A...
Little Prince, not so little,
Anymore.

Insomnia thou art my lovely mistress,
Enticing me further into the darkest mornings,
And then leaving my bed lonely at day break,
to go find another man.

Still, half loyally, you come back to me...
And oh, though otherwise I try, fitfully,
I find myself always opening my sheets,
And snuggling up close to you,
As if the cold of death and desperation,
is my only warmth.

It begets only painful awakenings,
And much like a good mistress,
The womb of your efforts,
Bears no fruit,
Nay just desecration of my psyche,
Just a half step in one realm,
and a half step half asleep.

Ah, what should I do,
Fight your presence off dearly?
I'm afraid I"ve had you round so long,
I can't remember myself lonely.
Imagine that, I guess,
I'll have to settle for your back handed love,
And ponder many more twilight mornins,
With you, my beloved insomnia.

I seek greatness,
Not perfection but
Something more.
I want jagged edges,
And symmetry long broken.
I want rhythm and beat,
rhyming galore, but flowing,
so fleet, off the tongue of my keyboard,
into your minds, drilled bore
never to be filled but left void,
never to be lit up or explored
save by my depravity, the
wanton insanity that is my quest
for eternality, for remembrance
for the suddenness by which
a heart attack do prance
tip toeing around your soul,
twisting it in, and lithely
make you beg for the encore,
even still won't be satisfied,
I'll become who I am,
The best version of myself,
Ravenous, more, than any lion,
Tiger, or engorged man,
Nay, even if I look down upon highest perch,
like The Raven itself,
Even if Poe himself, were to raise up again,
Weeping, claiming oh, John, your poetry,
Nay, your beating, has me breathing,
Still will I deny that drum,
Even then will I be empty,
and so this emotion that I am releasing,
Will self servedly do nothing,
You can not destroy that which is not living,
Only close your eyes, and forget quickly,
For if you let my greatness roam,
Oh upon your shoulders I will loan,
my delicious insanity upon the world,
And the toll my greatness,
shall collect,
will be worth more than all the gold.
And I'll simply just,
waste it away,
In search of some greatness,
greater still!
Some vision, some sign,
that is meaningless except,
like happiness,
In the pursuit, never to be found.

Ugly bird, you see,
I'm too perceptive for these games,
you Seek.
I can tell in your eyes, within my demons' dream,
That you are many things to many people,
A wish, a woman, a genie, a lover, a slave,
And nothing ever to be possessed or,
To have value, nay,
only fleeting, like the wind, void of essence,
and so I made a decision, long ago,
To let your wind swirl around mine,
Coming and going like nature doth please,
Uncaringly gazing into a cruel,
Empty world.
Fault nothing of yourself,
Just my eyes that are seeing,
My mind that is thinking,
And my heart that has long since,
Stopped beating.

Oi, Wisdom,
The price payed,
To exude was too much,
the innocence lost
is just impossible to recover.

Suffering only, And yes failing,
Notice all the wise men though,
Are no longer men of action.
They know better how fruitless,
Their efforts do be.
All they have left are their stories,
In blind hope that someone will listen.

Indeed, I would trade all my wisdom for,
My blissful ignorant self to,
Come back again,
Like an old lover turned round the corner,
Smiling to meet you, coincidentally
Out the river bend.

Worse still, I can tell,
That me has flown off never to land,
Within,
And that I can see my future me,
Losing my current lack of knowledge,
and becoming stubborn on some forlorn path,
Thinking wisely,
This is "right", this is "best",
This is the path of least resistance,
the path of my success,
And oh my intelligence,
And hard-earned, worthless wisdom,
Will coalesce, but still even then,
In just thinking there is a way,
More still will I lose my very same,
Essence.
And that is a true shame.
*******,
Wisdom.
I ought to be young and dumb,
Again.

Breathe a little in,
Oh, little boy, let it all out,
Put the pen to the paper, man,
And maybe you'll have someone to listen.
The letters can be your imaginary friends,
Close your eyes, they'll even smile,
They'll adore you.
But I won't, and when you go outside,
All you'll find is rain.
There will be no parade today,
No, not for you, nothing but pain,
Numbness, right before the drum,
bang bang bang, oh you have so much to beat,
but still, no one cares. Not even a peep.
The walls stop answering, little one,
They took away your bed so where will you sleep?
Your dreams scare you awake, the things inside you,
Tormenting your future, kills who you could be,
Don't worry, smoke this tree,
It's herbal, medicine, a natural remedy,
Just what you need.
The twigs will listen,
breathe in so deeply,
Maybe they'll stay,
Maybe you won't be lonely.
You just have to pay,
Breathe out, money, money,
get that green, green,
But what is the price of your own,
Worthless freedom,
Getting high with the clouds,
Till the anchors weigh you down.
Your ship no one scrubs,
Your boat no one floats,
Your mast no one will touch,
Your rudder is covered in rust,
You are going nowhere,
You are good for nothing,
And no one cares,
The truth laid out to bare,
Is you are without love
And even the bud is gone.

Oh this is a confession,
From my empty heart,
I don't love you,
Anymore,
You aren't even my *****,
No, You are nothing,
A friend, worthless, without meaning,
A couple hundred miles away,
Never to be nearer,
But what is this,
I don't want to be alone even still,
You cheated on me, broke me,
And even then, I didn't feel anything,
It will never be the same again,
I tell you this, and you know,
But still you stick around,
I tell you I'll never feel anything romantic for you,
Probably ever, and still... you won't leave,
And I can't keep myself away...
Why?
Because even still,
With all you did, and all I said,
All I've felt, and not felt,
through all our dysfunction,
And our respective insanities,
Still... I don't want to be in the dark,
By myself, with no tent, no light,
No one to tell my scary stories to,
My mind is too daunting, too deep,
Too dank and decrepit, No where to hide,
Just my own monsters to follow my own,
***** little hide,
I'm so angry at myself, for my weakness,
And yet all I wanna do is give in,
I look at your face and say,
To my worrisome self,
Oh that is the kind of girl I wish,
I could  have introduced to my mom,
The dead broad that haunts subtly,
Someone that, I'd be lucky to call mine,
A body so lovely,
Hiding a mind just as crazy,
That I find myself contemplatin'
How,
Even if it was a lie, another lie,
Even if it was a cycle of pain.
But I didn't feel anything the first time,
Why should it change,
No only my pride, lies in wait,
Between you,
And my next mistake.

Tip toe, all around me,
Tip toeing all around you,
Don't step on my feet,
You already stepped on my heart.
Inch a little closer,
Too close.
Now get far away,
But I still see you,
I want you a little nearer.
Tip toe, tip toe,
Your cute face right over here,
Just right, just right,
Secluded there,
From my body, my heart,
Not enough, not enough,
I want a little more,
Just a tippy toe,
It's fine, Right?
I see you lying there,
Lost from what you did to me,
It's okay baby, we are all,
****** up,
broken,
wanna be human beings.
Ouch that hurts,
***** get out,
Tip toe your *** on,
The **** out of here.
Or... wait.
Stay right there.
I'll tip toe right back over.
Inches and tips,
Never feeling just right.
Love is one,
Ugly **** *****.

My place in the world,
Small, fleeting,
Stressful, insignificant,
Oh, but blissful, rewarding,
Earning your keep,
Meeting your goals,
Dealing with people,
Getting better every day,
Mastering your craft,
Oh the paycheck ain't great,
And I don't have a fancy education,
Nothing a book could teach me,
Or a teacher lecture me,
That could reach my core,
And fill the emptiness,
So I left.
And, now, like every American,
I fell down at some point but,
Yes, I'm Free!
Yes I'm finding what it means to,
Pursue being happy,
And I hate that you don't wanna be here,
I hate that you don't want to support me,
I hate that my journey takes me,
Far away from you,
I hate that, you look down upon me,
With half-fond memories, stained by,
All the hasbeens and could beens,
And almost was's that we were,
That maybe if I'd just never fell,
Maybe if I hadn't wasted that year,
Maybe if I hadn't needed you so much,
In the worst of ways,
Oh my if I had just stayed the way I was,
For a few years longer,
Your ghost wouldn't be here haunting,
Scathing, judging, from so far,
so near.
I need an exorcist, darlin,
you are my demon, you are my fear,
you are my nightmare, my everywhere.
I hate that I met you, that I loved you so,
To this day, pathetically, you are the,
one piece of my life that,
will always be,
missing.

'Tis but a lie,
Said the man to his whiskey,
Salt and Pepper flakes,
Long beaten his face away.
He looked up and said,
Oh she spoke,
About leaving, going away,
goodbye and good riddance.
'Tis but a lie, he grinned.
The whiskey never answered.

The wife looked up at her husband,
She couldn't see clearly,
Surely he didn't strike her,
He loved her, he said,
she felt, they had kids together,
It's fine, it's a bad night,
'Tis but a lie, she thought to herself.
Her mind soon went blank.

The motherless boy walked through the streets of Berlin,
Alone, but guided, but instinct,
through the long red district,
You'll find your mother here,
He was told. He found her here, there, everywhere,
His little boy eyes, were never so wide,
full of unspeakable things, as they laughed,
and he died inside,
"Your mother," Said the ******,
"Why she
'Tis but a lie."

The old man was in his bed. Alone.
He thought back to all those years ago.
From the streets of Berlin,
to the wife he beat out,
to the whiskey he enjoyed, on the bar that night,
Had he ever been happy?
He thought long and hard,
and a tear almost tore out but,
he smiled, told the shadow,
"I'm very happy today,
'Tis but a lie,
My whole ******* life,
'Tis but the biggest ******* lie."
And he died, not too long thereafter,
He died and,
Uncaring the world,
kept spinning away.

Oh nothing makes me happy,
******* creating for days,
Biting gnashing, laughing dying,
Selling always selling,
Oh and you, you'll buy today.

BUT YOU'LL REMEMBER ME WHEN I'M GONE.
OH YOU WILL REMEMBER ME BY MY SONG.
YOU'LL SING
"JOHN ASHTON UPSTON YOU
FOUGHT FOR ME,
THE COLD STARE AT THE END OF THE PITCHER
REFLECTING BACK AT ME
THE EMPTY FEELING OF
AN EMPTY STOMACH
AN EMPTY MIND
A BROKEN HEART
ALL FILLED WITH BLOOD,
AND WE CAN DIE TOGETHER,
OH JOHN WE' DIE FOREVER,
AS LONG AS YOU LAY DOWN,
NEXT TO ME,"

And I'll hear it, softly.
It might even look like I'll,
Smile.
But that was a lie.
Before I died on the outside,
I was long dead inside.

The laughter reached my eyes,
Anyway.

Something about the cold.
Always makes me feel alive.
Even when otherwise,
I am dead inside.

Oh somewhere in the chill,
Is a will that hits the air,
A subtle sweetness, a fair
dream resounding here.

In my mind...
Blank spaces fill the gaps,
oh the universe is infinite, and nothing,
withing my synapses.
Hiding here, the greater fears,
of many people, many cultures,
many wordless wonders,
the newborns eyes look up,
blankly, oh yes, the void,
waiting, patiently,
calmly, emotionlessly,
just destiny. Hungry.
Ever fed, ever full,
every growing, ever receding,
cycling, spasming, living, dying.
All truth, all lie. All residing in here,
The darkest corners of my mind...

And then the cool breeze comes in,
Softly, sweetly, laying on,
those silly electrical currents upon,
nothing really exists anon.

Neither here nor there,
now nor later, just ok.
Just fine.
I feel less like Legion and more like one.
And it feels good.
I feel, alive.

It's been a while now since,
Whatever we are whenever we are together,
Disappeared, again.
There are no side things this time.
No plan B.
My life is a lot more empty, yes,
indeed.

It's not that complicated,
though my cursed mind must make it so,
It's easy now, being numb, being blank,
Like exhaling after a long deep breath,
at some point it feels like you are drowning underneath
a dry vacuum and still you keep releasing,
'till you don't feel anything
at all.
Tabula Rasa,
baby boo dearest,
how slowly you made me fall.
To a blank slate,
Rising up upon my former fate,
like a black curtain call.
Blissful. No.
Comfortable like,
going back into the womb,
surrounded, worriless,
in a fetal state.
Thank you for everything,
I said.
Not replying,
Was simply your colored place.

Let's talk about oh being an adult,
it's a ******* scam, a real insult,
they audit your soul and **** your account,
and you learn the value of money is goods, cars, hotels, and a mound,
a hovel, a home, a place for the sound,
of your empty, pitiless, soul gone 'round,
and round dreaming of Christmas, as a child bound,
by the lights and the wrappings and agnostic
witness the fate you will take, taking the rate,
of your depression gone by oh those halcyon days I innately
cannot help but feel oh that I've missed something lately,
a parallel me or something deep beneath me,
it claws and it itches at the corners of my mind discreetly,
Digressing my  transgressions up on my own altars, weepily,
not tearing not emoting, no, not nothing, as if the Upston
I was, was only a dreaming, faint long gone sound, echoing,
teetering, upon sand castles that a once proud being,
called John was making, that now fall, upon the waves of reality,
and oh my own lackings. Tide me back take me away,
oh the void is calling, if not childhood gain, then adulthood,
lost, oh if I cant own her anymore then I'll just be tossed,
Into the ocean, sinking, no need to swim, just flossed,
and cleaned out, to be recycled, next time, next life,
Maybe I'll learn,
Something.
Or maybe, just maybe, if you're listening closely,
I'm just simply.... Mumbling.

OH you were honest, huh?
I should respect you,
Oh dear,
For being real?

I tell you okay, cool,
thank you!
That I bear you no ill will,
no, no,
Not enough for you,
Elder one,
I must admit,
how amazing you are,
For dropping me,
For something easy.
Immediate.

I get the decision,
Hell, I share most of your reasoning!
But, *****,
please,
Get the **** out,
of my life,
If you are going to drop me,
And ask me to respect you,
for honesty.
Like I wouldn't have noticed anyways.
Like you owed me an explanation.
Like you cheated on me.
Like you felt guilty,
or,
decided I deserved it.
When really, you just played the game,
A little better,
and when a fairer breeze came along,
You jumped on,
and flew away,
Dandily.

Well ******* ****,
I'll find someone better,
Immediately.
And it's okay.
I'm just being honest.
You have to respect me for,
being real.
Smile.

I look at her and
I close my eyes,
And oh where my imagination,
Send my eager mind,
The wiles versus my wills,
oh those hills they bind,
Men like me, like demons versus the Lion,
Exorcized, exorcized,
Yeah, but I am Legion,
if they beat me one time,
Oh, next time, time,
They'll be mine.

And those mountains of lust,
That once seemed unclaimable,
Unclimbable like Everest before
Edmund Hillary, like the Sistine Chapel,
Before Michelangelo, oh I will persist,
I will pursue, with the littlest smile,
And the darkest hue,
Where after many days fight,
Suddenly. Then, in the night,
when alas my victory is won!
My prize I will take,
And her pleasure I will reign.

A short December,
Blissfully upon my vacant mind,
I get older, do less drugs,
Get dumber.
Who knew?

Oh, you, sitting there,
I can't see you,
But I know you are somewhere,
Someone. Anyone.
My desperation to change,
to find a reason to,
belong, to fawn.

I can almost picture your smile,
Just as the thought almost puts air,
In my decrepit lungs,
I can almost hear your whisper,
Oh my deaf ears nearly bare,
Your inner thoughts,
Finally someone who will share.

You are just around the corner,
Sitting in that chair,
Sitting, sipping that coffee,
Living a life that suits mine,
I know it, cause it is the only thread,
of my make believe reality,
that feels real,
And all I need to do is bind,
my absent heart to your
make-believe existence.

Surely though if only I was not so scared,
Of feeling something, anything, again.
I just bury my head, hide in my pitiful work,
and, do not lie, do not escape.
Wallow. Wallow.
Always swallowing my fear.

I can see you sitting there,
And all I have to do is sit here,
And smile.
And relax.
And we don't have to ****.
And you won't run.
And you'll be happy I'm around.
And you'll make me frown,
if just to determine to make me,
Smile my smile that only,
You can elicit for a while.
Love, Love, I need only sit there,
Next to you,
But.
How do I arrive...
A by your side,
A place to be found,
Somewhere in Wonderland.

I'm just listening to Counting Crows,
and I get this feeling,
That I am so close to understanding,
Something, myself? Something.
And it leads to this eerie feeling of contentedness,
In the darkness.
But I'm just a step behind,
And the more I think, the more...
I lose my way, The more I question,
instead of listen.
But it scares me to let such a moment pass,
without pursuing... it.
Whatever it is.
Poetry? I think not,
Just splutter along the road of my soul.
Sure to be meaningless in the end, but,
Looking at it now, looking back a bit...
Oh to be **** half in the past,
And nirvana just out there,
A bit further along the way.
Almost childly, I blindly,
Reach my hand out and up,
Hoping that I'll be able to grasp the Sun,
As if I won't get burnt,
That since it seems so close,
I just need to grasp,
and the world will be mine.
But some things are not for mortals.
And demons, like kids,
Must too, one day,
Wake up.

Oh he lost his dreams,
lost his being,
his will to seem,
to think, to be,
to feel, to see,
he went down to the bottom of every nug,
little boy, little child,
heating up that,
green ****,
dank skunk filling,
rooms and missing the gaps in his,
little heart,
but coming so close,
getting so numb,
intoxicatingly close to,
an actual feeling approximating,
someone close, someone caring.

Don't go to class. Don't go to school.
Stay in your room smoking.
Invite a few friends,
occasionally, not too often,
must keep appearances,
Must keep appeasing,
As he becomes disheveled,
As he looks for Molly,
Alice and Squiggy,
Hugs his grinder,
like his late mother...
Little boy, little fool,
how young you must be,
not to see the truth.
oh but to be sure,
he was his own little *****.
Till his blood pressure rose,
And the heart attacks came quickly,
He couldn't stop, couldn't stop,
He must have died that day,
Oh, he must still be dreaming,
Still in the clouds,
In a kingdom far away from here,
a Kingdom of one,
solemnly,
named addiction and persecution,
of Self.

All that wander inside me,
Are lost, lost.

All the gone souls,
All the dead people,
Hearing their bells toll.

Ring, ring.
Something we used to be.
But I won't pick up the phone.

Sing, sing.
Oh how I listened intently,
To lies of my own demise.
Demure.

****, ****.
These little fragments.
Of my whole.
Failure.

Away, Away,
future is gone,
Today.
The past circles around and,
I have nothing else left to,
Say.

Stab my heart.
Knock me back.
Kick me while I'm down.
Spit in my face.
Hate me.
Discriminatingly.
Selfishly, oh.
Feels so good.
To be looked at.
To not be ignored.
To not be discarded.
Feel me.
Feel my feelings.
Reject me.
That would be better.
Than not mattering.

She comes and goes like,
A brief wind,
In a blustery storm,
dark clouds, and lightning surround,
but here in the eye,
her wind blows quick,
and then out.

And she is gone again.
Hopefully this time,
Never to be found.

I'll climb a thousand hills,
stumble on every rock,
fall on my knees and,
fight myself to stand back up,
again.

I'll hitch a flight,
on your dust,
across the milky way,
and wonder if,
you even know,
I'm heading in your direction,
Despite your solar wind.

You'll turn back and say no,
No, no, no, no,
So many times.
And I won't hate you for any of them.
I'll just shake my head and smile.
I'll follow your presence,
till the ends of time,
I won't hide myself,
Alone, anymore.

I'm nothing, nothing,
All humans are just,
Nothing.
Nothing.
But for you I'll be something.
I'll be myself and I'll find,
The place I belong,
At your side.