Its these moments I am thankful for,
these small moments that to anyone else
might seem insignificant

Theses small moments with
your head resting on my shoulder
love caressing your smile
like a gentle wind

It is these moments that I live for
these small moments that to anyone else
might seem insignificant

These small moments where
our eyes meet and
I see the same person I met
on that very first day so long ago

These small moments where
I feel your hand in mine
rough and weary but still
holding on to me like you did in the
beginning

These small moments when
I smile at our picture beside our bed
when you nestle beside me
drawing my body back into yours

These small moments when
you look at me and I know
just like I did that day
You are mine, I am yours

These small moments that
I will treasure forever
keep them locked inside a tiny box
in my heart

And I will give you the key

And it's moments like these
where you stop moving and the world
spins
And your body feels so heavy
like rocks, like mountains,
like the whole world is pushing down
like you're drowning
in gravity
like none of the rules of physics apply
And it's like quicksand
there's no bottom to the pit
you've dug
and no ladder, no stairway, no handholds
you're falling
And you feel like you can barely breathe
barely blink
barely live
Depression isn't something cool
not a fad
or a trend
it's a sentence
a death sentence
and I don't know whether or not I can lift it
because somedays,
like today,
it's just too heavy

As bluebird sings through springs cool chill
the blackbird watches ever still
as golden wings of dawn do rise
to meet the mountain's sleepy eyes

Blinking as they shift their heads
and shake the pebbles from their beds
amongst the sunlight's golden rays
the blackbird sings the bluebird's phrase

Through wooded hills that gently swallow
every cranny, every hollow
dark within night's baleful gaze
the mountain's whisper poisoned praise

To stars above they speak at night
far away, entwined with light
watching down from velvet skies
with glaring gaze from soulless eyes

As on the lake does moonlight gleam
a harsher glow, a silver sheen
of longing as the blackbird sings
and flies away on darkened wings

They weigh me down with each step
And I don't mean physically.
They're small enough I can get away with a sweatshirt and nothing else.
People tell me I'm lucky.
But it's funny because I don't feel lucky,
And when my laugh trips off my tongue and stutters to the floor
between the tips of my sneakers,
I don't feel lucky,
When my thank you's sound hollow like drums in my ears
After someone compliments my style and tells me I should consider
modeling
Because "women with my interesting look" are in high demand,
And I don't want to be in high demand,
I don't feel lucky,
When the man next to me at the bus stop
Scrounges inside for some semblance of modern day chivalry and
accompanies his phrase
"Lady's first"
With a wink
I don't feel lucky,
As a squeeze them,
Twin loathsome mountains of fat on my chest,
Into my binder each morning just so I
Don't have a panic attack as soon as I leave the room,
I don't feel lucky,
Every time I hesitate when I reach the bathroom doors with those
stick figure signs and I have to decide which one I want to BE today
Or be stared at in today,
And ultimately it doesn't matter because I always make sure I'm
alone when I wash my hands,
Lying on my side or my stomach and feeling the weight of that tissue
on my sternum,
I don't feel lucky,
When I walk down the claustrophobic grocery store isles looking for
the right brand of tampons and pads to stop my unwanted ******
from bleeding everywhere
And I flush beet red because I know
Above my head is a neon sign loudly proclaiming that I am shopping
for
"Feminine hygiene products"
And so sometimes I walk out with nothing and
Wake up to red sheets just to feel even worse,
I don't feel lucky,
Each time I release my bonds in the shower,
Washing away whatever dirt that day
may have thrown on my skin,
And I glance down at the scalding water cascading over my sternum,
Along my uneven collarbones,
Between the caverns of my *******,
And I realize even naked I am not myself
Am I ever myself?
I don't feel lucky.
Jogging up stairs or walking quickly to class
And feeling my rib cage strain to get enough oxygen against
The binder I subject it to,
Or massaging my back as best I can as it screams at me
Resisting the tight fabric I have pulled against it all day,
But shedding that binding feels so wrong so
Sometimes I leave it on all night and wake up in the morning and
take Tylenol
So I can function,
I don't feel lucky.
And it makes me sad because I don't want to hate myself
But I don't know how to love myself like this.

Beneath the willow tree he lies

surrounded yet by weeping boughs

as high above a lone loon cries

echoing my silent vows



Through love and life I swore to thee

through sickness and in health

through sunny days and crashing sea

through poverty and wealth



You were to me, I was to you

as one were we from then

and as your paling lips turned blue

I swore we'd meet again



My love let me go softly now

as quick as I to sleep

my love this is our final bow

I'm with you do not weep



Soft as yonder dawn doth break

o're gently burning skies

my dreams take hold I shall not wake

of woven moons and butterflies

I miss you.

More than words could say.
More than a million words.
More than a thousand poems.
More than a billion stories.
More than the earth and the moon and the breath in my lungs.
What I wouldn't trade for one last goodbye. My love, rest in my heart as peacefully as you rest in the earth's embrace. Know we will meet again, we were never apart. Not really. Nothing could take you from me. Not even Death can part true love. So you're not lost from me.

Hold on,
Hold tight......... I'm coming.

It is quiet here
in this creaking house
no whispers in the night of dead
the hallways of my sculpted heart
are splintered broken close ahead
the floorboards shake
as my demons make
their triumph known to man
and in my walls of
flesh and bone
cemented with the shattered wish
of those once loved
i am alone

I lie awake remembering
as sunset's drawing near
of golden days far in the haze
of loving without fear
I lie awake remembering
your hands soft on mine
saying see that you love me
of having enough time
I lie awake remembering
when nights are filled with pain
us dancing in the sunrise
and singing in the rain
I lie awake remembering
how much I miss it all
the touch of you, the feel of you
I won't forget at all

It seems that time
Like a thousand things
Leaves us with soiled
Broken wings
To tick onwards
Towards that every growing
Light
To fly into the abyss of
That unending
Night

That first time we took a drink,
let the cool fecund tides rampage over our tongues,
down our throats and take up residence in the empty pits of our stomachs.
We rejoiced.
We danced.
We consumed every and all in our path, relentless,
like the silence that used to adorn our small corner of the world.
They purse cracked lips to whistle at the ******* of the women that walk past,
and clench fists as muscle bound males raise their hackles to ward them off.
We want to fight.
We want to beat the world into submission,
to restore that silence that we crave but have learned to despise.
Neon lights blind our eyes as we sway in tandem to the pulsing bass.
We are one,
We are animals.
Hurricanes tearing through our landscapes
Uncaring in the face of disaster we laugh manically,
Tilting our faces back as we peel off our skin,
Unzipping raincoats that don’t block out the sun.
Holding our arms together in a twin bed
Blocking out the ghosts of our past,
listening to the fish tank whir
remember the first time we drank,
leaning timber against the faded wall,
talking to mr. light even though he refused to answer,
our bodies melded under fairy lights,
I hold your lips on the tips of my fingers and
Your heart in the palm of my hands
And I cradle that small bird, breathing warm air
Onto its feathers to help it grow.
Tides pour through our bloodstreams,
Pounding through our systems in overdrive,
Weak hearts thrashing in their cages.
What are we made of?
Roots and veins and fragile paper skin
Waiting to be torn by the hands of unworthy suitors?
We am made of hot hard ***, and the need for more.
Something else. We are animals.  
The bars of our cages dissolve in the acid breath of our highs
We sing from the rays of the sun,
Belting out operatic tones of our lives as if someone
On the other side of the telephone is actually listening.
Instead we day drink
And night drink
And huddle in cloth cocoons waiting to transform into our saviors.
Remember that first night we drank,
Enraptured under magnetic ceilings,
Dancing together under the influence
Of a potentially better world.
Spinning star struck next to constellations
Waiting until the room stops swallowing us whole
So we can close our eyes until the morning,
Smile drunkenly high on love,
And maybe for once, we will sleep.

when you care too much it breaks you, shatters you into a billion tiny pieces like glass, you hit the floor too hard too fast and you explode, the world, millions of sparkling fragments come crashing down around you, slicing you to ribbons because thats what glass does, it cuts, and if you thought that just because you cared you were bullet proof you thought wrong, glass is never bullet proof, not even the kind that comes with a label and says it is, its a lie, its always a lie because when you care too much, try too hard, try so hard it hurts, you fall too hard, too fast, its too much and you shatter like previously bullet proof glass, you are out of the game and done playing the game because it doesn’t matter anymore, nothing matters anymore, its all one loop over and over and over, live die, repeat, live, die, repeat and oh if only you could reach the end, what satisfaction you would glean, what dreams might you escape, what people you might outrun, glass is exactly like humans, it reflects exactly who we are eventually no matter how much you warp it, no matter how much you bend its surface it reflects the true self back and then when you suddenly decide to show that side, boom, there I go, falling too fast too hard too much not slowing never slowing too much too fast too hard too caring too trying too much too fast too hard falling is like dying except slower, much much slower, and when I land, don’t worry you’ll be the first to know

Like a summer snowstorm,
as impossible and unpredictable
Like the soft footstep on a creaky stair,
as hollow and as worn
Like a pebble in the middle of the sand,
as foreign and unwanted
Like warm breath on an icy day,
as frozen and unyielding
Like a beating heart without a body,
as unlikely and unliving
Like a memory I have forgotten,
as treasured and as rotten

As my eyes drift to sleep I remember

the hollows and the soft curves of your skin

fire in your eyes a burning ember

a glow that reflects radiance within



As my eyes drift to sleep I do recall

your soft words whispered in the dead of night

that saved me when perchance I looked to fall

and turned my eyes instead into your light



As my eyes drift to sleep I see your face

and yet I know you are not really there

instead untouchable another place

far in the realm of nothing and nowhere



Through this my heart and mind still yearns for you

a million words my love that I withdrew

And I run
barefoot on the glass strewn beaches
sand pushing me down, grasping my ankles with needy hands
And i run
across mountains capped in snow
the cold biting with teeth sharpened by survival
And I run
through fields of flowers
singing softly in my ear, wanting me to stay
And I run
across oceans as deep as the universe
waves crashing against my shins in an effort to drown me
And I run
heart pounding like a war drum
chest beating like the endless sea
And I run
breath gasping like the clouds
limbs shaking like the leaves
And I run
          And I run
                And I run
                      And I run
                            And I run
                                  And I
                                        And I
                                            And I
                                       I run
                                   I run
                               I run
                         RUN
                   RUn
              Run
        run

Do you look out where the waves touch the shore?
I do
Where high in the sky the light ***** birds soar?
I do

Up in the sky where the clouds meld with blue?
I see
High above me with no payments due?
I see

Do you look out where the lights touch the tree?
I do
Where glist'ning and glinting I know I should be?
I do

Swallowed by fields we lie side by side?
I stand
Closing our eyes as we dream of the tide?
I stand

One with the ocean and one with the land

Listen

Listen closely

Listen hard

Listen long,

Listen like the last thing you will hear
is your own heartbeat
straining from its cage of ribs
to fly with the others

Look

Look closely

Look long

Look hard

Look up to that velvet sky like it is the last time
you will truly see those reaches
and watch as your brilliant soul flutters
in rhythm with those stars

Listen closely

Look long

Listen hard

Pinpricks of light above you
are a thousand souls shining as they dance
watch in wonder as you join them
those glimmering crystals of light

in the far off reaches of the universe

in the dark and unending night

Here where there is naught but the wind and sky
I stand enraptured under azure blue
Loathe yet to leave this sight and speak goodbye
From shadowed cliffs the starry sky I view

You think for a millisecond
it's a dream
that you were good
that you kept clean
that you didn't drown your depths
in drinks despair
that you didn't hold a needle to your vein
that you didn't slide a knife against your skin
that you didn't break and pull back your hair
as your stomach empties into pits unknown
that you will wake when reality once more blurs
to friends and love and silent judging whispers

I was told that
the soldiers outside my door
do more before 7am
than I do in a day.
But if I wake
at 6:59am
and caress your lips
and the hollows of your aching ribs,
and the weak pulses of your beating heart,
as you lie dying in my arms
with the same love that I show to
the flowers,
then I have done enough
for an entire day,
and have killed no one in the process.

There is a girl I know,
she writes poems, stories, dreams

captures unwilling words and strokes
them into submission
like a lazy cat on a summer day

There is a girl I know,
she writes poems, stories, dreams

weaves vibrant tapestries with her tongue
crossing one colour after another
weaving a blanket of words

There is a girl I know,
she writes poems, stories, dreams

constructs gilded cathedrals with
deft fingertips tracing over a page
blank but not for long

There is a girl I know,
she writes poems, stories, dreams

paints pictures with words
each letter building off of the last
constructing a familiar face

There is a girl I know,
she writes poems, stories, dreams

reads to the trees
the great kings of the forest
and her words sing the song of the loon

There is girl I know,
she writes poems, stories, dreams

each page winding deeper than the last
i read quickly closing on the end
only to find

the last

sentence

unfin-

Please tell me why I only
Seem to be able to write poetry
When I'm drunk or half asleep
Maybe it's because I loose my inhibitions
And no longer care what people think?
But that shouldn't matter anyway.
And honestly?
I DON'T care.
I'm good enough on my own
By my own
I'm worth enough
For myself to be myself
If that makes any sense.
I don't need anyone to
Tell me that I'm good enough
I know I am.
It's not my fault that some don't see it.
Come on,
Spread a little bit of self love am
I right?
I know when I say my name people
Don't blink so
Why should it be any different when I tell you
My pronouns.
I'm not an animal in a cage
In a zoo,
I'm **** good enough as me
And I don't REALLY need your approval
Honestly you're lucky you even got my
Name
Because most times I forget to introduce myself so
Why should the rest of me shock you anymore
Than my name does?

For a moment but not long
the trilling bluebird stopped her song
the crystal wind forgot to dance
the laughing creek slipped out of trance

the sunsets colors bled to black
the stars themselves began to crack
the heat began to turn to ice
and gamblers didn't roll the dice

the streets were left in silence still
as drumming tunes began to ****
the pictures on the walls turned red
and 'neath the mask she wore she bled

for just a moment but not long
the mask she wore sang human song
and tears that shed in nights embrace
were for a moment put in place

the world saw for what she was
and looked away in turn because
if they asked then they would know
that in her blood despair doth flow

My heart is a powder keg
Rigged with so much tnt that I'm afraid
Each war beat might be my last
Because inside, my walls are cracking
On the stairwell to my brain there are cobwebs
Dusted with the dew of my despair
And
In the caverns and cellars of my heart
There are walls built so high and so strong that no one could ever hope to scale them
Behind those walls there are locks on every door, but the locks are rusted over now with the hatred that my last love has shown me and the walls have cracks in them and cobwebs hang from their corners
And the only thing they guard now is an empty room
As each breath rattles in my ribcage I am reminded of you, of the mortality we desperately cling to like the fabricated
Illusion of love
And as your touch drips from my fingertips and your name wails at my lips
I want you to know that it was you
It was always you
How am I supposed to move on
When every move I make moves me one more move closer to the edge
When every step, everything I see
The raindrops falling from the sky and the
Thunder howling in the clouds enacting the
rage I cannot allow myself to feel
The sunrise in the morning
The ******* buttons on my phone
And the ******* shirt on my back
Remind me of you
And I don't go around with a neon sign
Proclaiming warning labels
Like grocery store recipts
Keeping track of how many times
Ive been broken and repaired with tacky second rate stitches
and the stories of my past don't have a happily ever after
So......
Learn me slowly
Please
Be patient with my pages
And I'm trying not to write another stupid poem about heartbreak but clearly that's not working so well
Because lately that's all I can write about
And there's only about a million ways I can say
Goodbye

I am not blind now,
but once I was

Blind to the hate of man
Blind to your hate of me
Blind to your lies and tricks
Blind to the dying sea

Blind to the setting sun
Blind to the rising moon
Blind to the birds and the bees
Blind to the silv'ry dune

Blind to the whispers that followed
Blind to the stares round the halls
Blind to the pointing fingers
Blind to the iron walls

I was blind once,
but not now,
no.....
now I see

Where sleeping buds do lie in wait
where every flower sighs,
the summer breeze comes not too late
as Springs cool chill dies,


Bluebirds in the sky do sing
as down below they dance,
turning lines and in a ring
gives revelry a chance,


Swirling dress and laughter
rings around the wooded grove,
as masks before and after
lie above the skirts they wove,


The dancers in their frenzy
do not realize right from wrong,
as high above the crowded wood
the bluebirds stop their song

Beneath the silent oak he lies

                                   awaiting as Death stopped the scree

                                  bright tears no more, no woeful cries

                                            Death sat and spoke to me

                                                            Dear child mine do dry your tears

                                                           I take  him not for cause of pain

But he is gone we've lost our years

                                     Death gestured towards the rain

                                     See now the life on horizon's bow

                                         see how the sunlight gleams

                                    watch silver drops fall softly now

                                                                                    I know that what it seems-

I loved him deeper than the sea!

Faster than the waves!

Our love burned brighter than the sun!

And now he's sunk to graves!

                                Death turned his head to meet my eyes

                                             his own were sad and blue

                                  Dear one you know everything dies

                                           this pain alone is not for you

                                  I turned my head, my tears unshed

                                              my face as pale as his

                           my trembling hands clutched at the thread

My only question is-

                                                                    You'll meet again on a farther shore

                                                                                of crashing waves and sands

                                                                     with skies and  hills of bright azure

                                                                                  painting sunsets over lands

                                      My unshed tears fell freely now

                                       my heart consumed with grief

                                                                               My Dear let me at least allow

                                                                                        to bring you some relief

Relief?! From you? You took from me

my only source of life

my only hope you took from me

with a cleanly sharpened knife

                                                                          My intention never was to harm

                                                                                   only collect what I am due

                                                                  be still, soothe now your false alarm

                                                                                       and let what will ensue

                                Death took my hand and lead me on

                                    Through trails of green and gold

                                   Till summers lease was all but gone

                                            A nightmare to behold

                           He sat me down on leaf strewn floors

                                          Of burgandy and red

                                                            These things you fight, these inner wars

                                                                                                     You're not alone

                                                       He said

                               A distant shore as death had spoke

                                   Lay beyond the sparkling tree

                               The sleepers as their eyes have woke

                                                  To sing a melody

                             And though my heart seemed lone and cold

                                    I reached with outstretched hands

                                       Too feel my lovers song of old

                                      Through distant shadowed lands

My love let me to you come now

My love as I to sleep

My love your song is with me now

                                   As Death turned his head to weep

Let your eyes sink into the depths of my soul like a stone through the waves
Cold and blue and piercing like the cry of the soaring eagle
and as high as the tip of the azure mountain reaching towards a crimson sky
Stained with the blood of the universe
Bespeckled with the bones of its friends
Sink me

I am the destroyer of worlds
specifically of my own,
with no regard to the landscape
I consume,
My words brazen in their wild hunt,
Uncaring for the lives of those they swallow whole.
I raze fields, create canyons
Without a second glance,
Without care or thought or reason
I shall burn the hollowed
recesses of my heart
Until there remains naught but
Ash and cinder.
Destruction is my name,
Desolation? My title.
I am the harbinger of death,
Specifically my own,
Mercy knows no hiding hovel in the caverns
of my skin,
pity lives not in my eyes,
flooded by rage
devoid of hopeful commiserations,
I am inhumane,
I am the plague
So you must run to escape me,
Oh but run you cannot
For the roots of my depression stretch
Far beyond my physical body,
Wind around our planet,
Touch soul after soul after soul,
I shall set fire to my very source of humanity,
The weakness in me which
Allows my doors to swing open,
My drawbridge to lower faithfully,
Covering the moat I had built myself,
at the first knocking promise
Of someone else caring about me in a way I
have never learned to for myself.
Yet once I glean that first bit of affection
My poison twists through any veins of love
And I seem without fail,
To corrupt the small sparks of good
That dare to show their face.
So.....
Destruction is my name,
Desolation? My title.
I am the destroyer of worlds,
Specifically
My own

As the subtle dusk takes the sky in dampened hues,
I crouch exhausted on my sill,
Tonight I will not sleep,
Tonight I refuse

My eyelids blink as heavily as a mountain,
I try to straighten, to bend back my curved spine but I cannot,
Crisp night claims the air,
Silver drops falling from the sky as those from the youthful fountain

Until at last I'm darkness deep,
I will,
I do,
Succumb to sleep

Like billowing sheets they rose
grey wings beating endlessly at the air
silver bellies dragging over the tops of trees
tendrils of fog tapping at faded window panes
waking the city

Like a lazy cat it stretched
yawning widely showing its fangs
even before breakfast time
as slowly it padded out of its doors shaking its fur
against the rain

I have a theory
Woven together with the last remnants of hope that I cling to in order to save myself from drowning
Tied tightly by the bonds I my past to my present
Stitched closed by metal staples and blue plastic
So read between the lines
Between the grand canyons of my self destruction
Behind the cliff faces of the masks I wear
Underneath the torrents of my youth
The theory itself is simple
the execution is anything but
It burns through my veins like wildfire
Scorching all life in its path
And like a tsunami wipes any
trace of my existence from the cragged face of this planet
This planet that has squandered my hope
and preyed upon my raw insecurities like a parasite
When in reality I am the parasite
feeding off of the land I praise
******* the nutrients from life as it drains the life from me like a waterfall
I drown in its depths
In its fury
In its suicidal twisted rage that feels nothing
cares nothing for those it swallows whole
And like the summer months
before my time
I am gone

Tentacles soft of sunlight
Die slowly o'er raven hill
Silent ghostly whispers of mem'ries long since past and till
Creep quiet, hushed, and broken
Dragging limbs of silver and gold
Through bloodied strands of spider's web
Spun of forgotten dreams of old
Where kings and giants fought till death
And misty dragons roar
There my dear you shall find me
nye amongst the crashing sea but
Amidst the wheat grass long
Listening in total silence
While the crickets song their song

I may not be great at writing but

I am of the opinion that,

a poet upon closer inspection

is quite similar to a hat,

both are worn ragged and weary,

both drip water when they're teary,

both have a similar disposition,

and don't need much nutrition,

they're hung right out to dry,

either by a wife or by a guy,

are locked for hours in a room,

never overuse a broom ,

worn to cover balding spots,

or gaping holes in meager plots,

the brim on one doth shield another,

and once it's made it's got a brother,

and though one types and the other sits,

holding over gaping pits,

and though one smiles and the other cries,

and though one falls and the other flies,

and though one speaks and the other is mute,

all in all they're not so brute,  

so though a poet is not a hat,

and though a hat is not a poet,

it would escape their reason (both)

if either of them refused to show it

Hold tight to that illusion of freedom
Like the quilted lies
That, drip from your fingertips
And throw them into the
Darkness behind you
like the fabricated illusion
Of our own prosperity.
Where wrapped in others
Silken words of misconstrusion
our people lie in wait
Ready to cross walls
They cannot hope to break down.
Our land of the free is priced in expletives
Spoken brassly on shining screens
As falsified information pours out of
It,s limelights.
There are family trees burned to cinders.
Half off of your freedom!
New sale here!
Just pay everything you own,
And your family ties and voila,
Here you are in our free priced land of the free,
Your worth decided by your face,
Your speech, the hard won calluses
On your hands, open in a useless
Sign of peace
Where the homes of the brave
Hold vacant signs and empty people
Shells of what they used to be,
Standing in as the 2 by 4 support beams.
Send your sequin sympathies
To those with the money to pay for them,
To watch you twirl on stage spouting
Shakespearean lines of unfelt empathy
Attempting to assuage the audience
And pass off inequality as the new normal
The power play goes on
The curtains close on one more act of
Unconstitutional proportions
The audience
Unknowing
Applauds

As the wind whispers sweet nothings in my ear

I pause to listen, to hear 

the name of your voice drifting over the wind 
though swallows tails whose feathers have thinned



As the winter bites at the ice cold chill

I promise forever I will 

climb the tall mountain and stand by your side

sing songs of friendship and time we’ll abide

Don’t listen to darkness my lovely, my dear

the dark causes nothing but fear

your heart it is strong in my hands like a bird

the first melody that it ever has heard

I linger beside you my heart touching yours

looking out over the mist covered moors

with your hand in mine the world we’ll rule

ill save you from darkness, that wide grinning ghoul

And in moments of sorrow, and moments of pain

I’ll catch your stray teardrops, and brush away rain 

that falls from the stars on your porcelain face

I’ll be your back bone, your cast and your brace

I’ll pick up the pieces when pieces are done

and put them back to where they’ve begun

your smile is a universe, your laugh is the sun

the bird of your heart is second to none

My love stay here with me, my love do not weep

I’ll see you in morning, I’ll see you in sleep

My love it is worth it, this mountain to climb 

My love you are worth every cent, every dime

When the going gets tough love, just look to the stars 

though we may be apart love, the universe’s ours

to rule as we wish, to command as we will

so fight this long battle, keep climbing uphill 


You’ll get to the top love, and you’ll look around

and wonder how such beauty can ever be found

for after the battle, and after the war 

peace will be found, on a not so far shore

Well, hey
Here I am again
At 3:48 in the morning
......Again
Just like last night, and the night before....and the night before that and the night before that and-
Well I think you get the picture
But, do you?
Some people laugh when I say I can't sleep
I mean they actually laugh and say
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
Hey....
It's me....again
At 3:48 in the morning....
Again
But if counting sheep solved my problem of sleep then
I wouldn't be counting each heartbeat
Continuing counting each heartbeat
Continuously considering counting countless seconds of heartbeats
I wouldn't be staring at the walls listening
To the crickets in the walls
And the crickets and the crickets and the crickets and the-
That everyone tells me aren't there
And I can see faces in the moonlight and....
Hey....
It's me.....again
At 3:48 in the morning.....again
And I wouldn't pace the room like a caged bird before the sunrise flutters its wings
And I wouldn't memorize the pattern of the cracks in the ceiling
-did you know the one above my head turns right every two and a half inches?-
And the shadows woven into the carpet
And the symphony of the darkness
If I could count sheep now would I?
Do you think I enjoy lying awake at night
Waiting for the break of day
Because then its okay....
Not to sleep
And my mind I buzzing like a swarm of bees
And I'm reading the book of all my past wrongs
Like a Shakespearean sonnet
Like a tragedy
Hey......
its me.....again
At 3:48 in the morning.....
Again...
And it could be anxiety laugh
Hell I wouldn't be surprised
But I march to the drum of insomnia now
The battle hewn recesses of my brain
Crying out for mercy
But there is no white flag
And
The sheep never come
Because if I could count the herd
Then I would not memorize the cracks in the wall
Or the ticking of clock
I wouldn't compose symphonies
In time with the whirring of the fan or the drunk shouting
From outside my window
Because when you close your eyes sometimes everything sounds like music
Falling harmonies and subtle innuendos of
Sleep to come
But......
If I could close my eyes
If I could count sheep instead of heartbeats
If I could stop pacing the track in the floor
If the crickets in the wall didn't keep me up
Then...
I wouldn't be up at 3:48 in the morning
Well, hey
Here I am again
At 3:48 in the morning
......Again

Wandering quiet through the old headstones
pale light cast by the hollow moon above
sleep where creaking boughs emit minor tones
where naught but death can take away my love

The soft caress of inky night
Eventually will fade to dawn
And reach out towards the growing light

With fingers black but turning white
Until the tips are all but gone
The soft caress of inky night

Comforts in the morning bright
The melodies of dusk go on
And reach out towards the growing light

To clear their mind, improve their sight
To seek the grey eyed swimming swan
The soft caress of inky night

Captures hills without a fright
Traveling as the hours withdrawn
Reaches out towards the growing light

The mourning sky brings red tinged spite
And of it does accept the pawn
The soft caress of inky night
And reach out towards the growing light

Outside these walls the fury rings
Screaming over broken things
Do I stay and wait for dawns gold wings
Or shall I risk what nighttime brings

Outside these walls amongst the roar
As black waves crash upon glass shore
And moonlight streams across the moor
The sea and sky do clash in war

Outside these walls I wish to go
Into night as dark as wings of crow
Where midnight moon doth not sink low
But casts instead an eerie glow

Outside these walls the monsters leer
I swallow an unbridled fear
As safety now is all but near
Outside these walls that keep me here

Dark circles like craters under paled lids sweep softly the surrounding flesh and linger from day to day, refusing to give up their hold

Oh my friend

I feel the weight of you in my pocket

as I walk these endless halls

with careless faces

that spit words without waiting to see where they fall

where my mind wanders from the blackboards

and longs for relief from my suffering

you tickle me with your edge

prodding and poking until 
I raise my hand

ask to be excused

walk the same hall

enter that room 
and succumb

Oh my friend

who comforts me on long nights

when the dark seems to press in from all sides

you howl my name from the night
stand 
begging for another bite

pleading to feel yourself between my shaking fingertips

and I oblige

Oh my friend

with me always

you keep me sane 

and when you ask for another scar?

You compel me to listen.

So I obey

Oh my friend 

who screams for blood on the red tiled floor

yearning for more, always more

keening a song if I try to stay away 
who always comes back with a vengeance



Oh my friend

take another piece of me

take another bite

another drop
make a river with my offering
s
make a tsunami with my lifeblood



Oh my friend

you are calling again now

I can hear you screeching from the drawer

I hold the key in trembling hands

I wish I was stronger but I am not 

my body is proof enough of that

torn by your constant needs

marred by your incessant thirst

ravaged by your sharp tongue

scarred by your edge 

tear my sides
my wrist
my legs
my heart
take me

Oh my friend 

I am not strong enough to resist you

I will succumb once again to your call 
to your will

to your lust 
take me as you will my friend

take every part of me

leave nothing unscathed

every droop of blood upon your edge

Take me my friend 

leave me nothing 

my friend

Oh my friend

my friend

take me

Is the thing that saves us
Love? Love
can only be found and
It
Can never be bought
True happiness?
a lie
Because peace ISN'T
real
Because life IS
fake
Because the masks we wear are
our true skin
Our dreams are
just figments of our imagination, not real Those faults in yourself?
Others see them too
Invisible
NOT
seen
You are
alone
NOT
With FRIENDS
Freedom
Is our call
WAR!
Not
PEACE
To Love
is to
To surrender
and that is wrong
To hate is right
They say
and we believe them?

I feel each heartbeat like a wardrum
Echoing across empty fields like a
Battle cry sung from the mouths of soldiers
Desperate to come home
I hear each breath like the wind in the willows beside me
Whispering short and shallow in time
With the rise and fall of my chest
I am awake
But I do not wish to be
Oh to fall asleep
To see that endless night cover my eyes
A starless blanket
A moonless darkness
A welcome friend
Who for too long has stayed away
I will welcome you with open arms
Sleep my love why do you allude me so
Like a scorned lover you refuse to come
So I sit and listen to my internal drum

Someday not yet so far away
where willows whisper in the wind
my heart you have led me astray
where shadows of the night are thinned

To treetops glittering in gold
to silver trunks of oak and yew
through pathways at a glance unfold
where scarlet skies white herons flew

From creeks where bronze fish flash and turn
There 'neath the wood you lay and drowse
my heart to you will time return
protected by the willows boughs

As the dust settles
as the shaking stops
as the roaring quits
as the buildings fall

Small people clench their
fists inhuman rage
for where the bombs have landed
the earth has built a cage

Like snow it coats their faces
like ash it stains their cheeks
it won't be seconds or minutes
or days or months or weeks

They won't forget the pain
they won't forget the fear
they won't forgive you now
because you never hear

Their cries for resolution
their hope that's now forlorn
their pleading for a new day
instead are left to mourn

In silence that is building
an ever growing storm
taking from them the summer
those golden days of warm

You've left me high and dry alone
in misery and doubt
it was you who threw the bomb my dear
you deal with the fallout

Cold hands like metal
be still my beating heart
as sharp thorns of of silver nettle
tear my life apart

Today I took a shower
I stood under the water for probably way too long
I turned the water up way too hot
But today I took a shower today
And that’s something
That means im still alive right?
Dead people can’t take showers,
At least I don’t think they can,
Ghosts probably can’t either so
If I took a shower that means im still alive.
It’s funny  though,
I didn’t want to.
Take a shower I mean, 1
Because Im afraid of washing off the touch
Of your hands on my skin
Because what if I never feel that again
And If I had known that night would have been the
Last time for a while,
Until this “break” ends and you get things figured out,
Then I wouldn’t have been drunk
Because then I would have gotten to feel your arms around me for a while longer
Before I fell asleep
And I forgot before but I remember now,
I told you that I really liked you
And that that wasn’t just “drunk me” saying that.
And I forgot before but I remember now,
You didn’t say “I like you too”
You didn’t actually say anything.
And I don’t blame you.
I don’t hate you, hell I actually love you
And I think that’s why this hurts
Because I know you need time and space
And the ability to figure out who you are
And the ability to find who you are without
The added weight of a relationship
And I know you’ve told me that its nothing I did
“its not you its me” and maybe I love you so maybe
THAT’S why this hurts so bad
Because I can’t just “take a break” from loving you.
I don’t know what our future holds,
You held my hand as we talked about this
And I cried on you, about you, which is probably a stupid thing to do
But I told you I wouldn’t give up,
I said I’d wait as long as you needed me to,
Which is true. But it hurts, but I feel like im losing everything,
Who am i? I don’t know.
You have a birth mark on your hand that I never noticed,
And I miss you. But you’re right here. But I miss you.
And you know that, and you said you’ll miss me too.
And I cried on you, about you, which was probably a stupid thing to do,
But your fingers in my hair still felt the same and then you said
“your hair feels different” and I cried again
the obvious answer is because I dyed it, but
all I wanted to say was “yeah, everything does”
And I don’t know how to do this alone….
All of this running through my mind
Like the water running over my skin
That perhaps made it easier to cry….
But… I took a shower today
And that’s something.
Right?

These thoughts that swirl in my mind like fire
speak nothing of the images I hold
your hands on me your deep and dark desire
blue blood in my veins that ran so cold

Your mouth on mine though I wanted it not so
strong hands of metal grip my fragile bones
not pausing once except for victory crow
drowning out my fear filled hateful tones

A wave of emptiness that drags me deeper
with each ****** of blow of hurricane wind
you rip through me a silent sullen reaper
tearing flesh from bone till I am skinned

And at my most venerable you take me
with power that you think you do deserve
my body wishing that it could be set free
this cage of life and flesh it does preserve

Each grunt and groan are trees inside me cracking
each bruise a wound of words that never heal
I don't remember which did the attacking
only what the dim light did reveal

Your eyes like ****** of evil in the nighttime
your skin rough as you tore the clothes from me
heedless of the consequences of your crime
my innocence by you was tossed to sea

Your body inside mine is like a curse
a virus I cannot hope to destroy
a nightmare that with dawn will not disperse
a tumor that drains fast all life from joy

That tsunami fear that flooded through my brain
he said to take me, make me be the victim
as dawn broke over gold hills I felt the pain
and not once did you ever contradict him

Yet the victim I refuse to only be
seen as weak and fragile by the crowd
my silence a desperate begging plea
my heart covered like death in a black shroud

A gossamer gown that once I thought did flow
now looks to be as ***** as your breath
of refusal you of course did not seem to know
as I seek escape from this hollow dance of death

So you left me on cold floor to weep alone
intent on merciless destruction of my heart
still I am mine, and mine alone to own
and naught but death can yet tear me apart

Though dawn again does rise another day
and the taste of **** is yet still fresh upon my lips
I am content to let fate lead the way
cross mountains formed of hope, and sailing vengeance ships