Have you ever experienced
the disagreement between
your brain, heart, and body?
when brain heart and body just
outcry to each other
and then you lose?

I have once
when I had my firstlove
first heartbreak

I cried everday for months
everytime i closed my eyes
in the shower
in the bed
everytime i was alone
My brain told me not to cry
yes because i deserved better than him
because he didnt deserve my tears
but my heart hurts
i felt the physical pain in my chest
my body
that was the first argument between my brain, heart, and body

I loved dressing up and doing make up
I loved shopping
I loved watching movies
those all are my hobbies
but I stopped doing them all for months
I tried thousand times
because my brain told me that it was a good escape and healing
but my heart wasnt interested at all
and my body kept screaming to sleep

I loved sleeping
I'd rather spend my time to sleep
than play with my friends
but I couldnt sleep for 3 days straight
trust me
I closed my eyes for hours
but i just didnt sleep
and sleeping pill was my last choice

I loved food
but I couldnt eat for 3 days straight
I wish i was being over dramatic
but no
I couldnt eat not because i didnt want to eat
i wish it was the case
but no
Lord knows
i really wanted to eat
but every food that crept in my mouth
would be thrown out again
every single time
I just couldnt eat
literally for 3 days straight

My brain always gave the solutions that I really wanted
But my heart always seemed not interested
And my body rejected all the attempts that I did

that time...
I just didnt know what to do...
other than try to survive
and never give up to love
my brain
my heart
my body

For the times I cannot love myself
Love me quietly
For when the silences are too loud
Love me peacefully
For when sleeps avoids us
Love me calmly
For when we weather the storms
Love me greatly
So the oceans feel like lakes
Love me deeply
So when I drown,
it's only in you

-em vidar

I promise to be confident
I promise to be true
I promise to not be so ******* myself
I promise to start new
I promise to not call myself ugly
I promise to not fall apart
I promise to cry when I’m happy
I promise to be strong
I promise to not be selfish
I promise to be myself
I promise to be my own kind of beautiful
I promise not to be jealous of anyone else
I promise to always smile
I promise to be sweet
I promise to make good decisions
I promise to be healthy
I promise to always hope
I promise to not give up
I promise to be a good friend
I promise to not call myself a **** up
I promise to be honest
I promise to shine
I promise to fight to the end
I promise to protect what’s mine
I promise to not call myself fat
I promise to just relax
I promise to believe in myself
I promise to ignore what’s being said behind my back
I promise to do my best
I promise to love unconditionally
I promise to live like there is no tomorrow
I promise to not give up on me

You deceive,
I grieve,
I moan in vain,
I cry in pain.
I loved too much,
I gave too much,
I trusted too much.
You  stole my heart,
Ate the whole ****,
Then you discarded it,
Trampled on it,
Notched it with razors of lies,
Bloated it with feelings of woeful cries.
You cheated,
You shared a bed with someone else in heat,
You shreded my heart into million pieces,
Each piece worth billion kisses,
If I continue to weep,
Sorrow and pain won't let me sleep.
For you my heart was a piece of paper,
For me you are the  end of my chapter,
Adieu,the game is over.

When I was little
I was scared
Scared of the monsters living under my bed
I used to hide, under my blanket
Under my blanket, I was safe
The monsters couldn’t reach me under my blanket

My parents used to say
The monsters would go away
I would grow up and that then they would leave

But I grew up
And the monsters didn’t leave
Turns out my monsters, grew with me
Now instead of under my bed
The monsters live inside my head

So I hide, under my blanket
Where I think I am safe
Wondering if after all this time
My blanket can still keep the monsters at bay

You are my unsent message.
The cursor blinking rhythmically,
With my heartbeat,
Waiting,
For me to hit send.
But I am not ready,
And I’m not sure if I ever will be
So I left it like that.
Unsent. Unseen. Unread.
“I miss you.”

We all bear scars in one way or other.
Some from loving someone too deeply and some others from losing someone or something that you cared too much for.
Some scars are intentional while some others exist for stupid silly reasons.
Some we are but some we are not so proud of.

I have scars all over my body.
All over my mind and all over my soul.

I have scars on my brain due to over thinking and over analyzing incidents that haven’t even happened yet.

I have scars on my eyes for shutting it more often, for being blind to things that should’ve been taken care of.

I have scars on my nose from all those endless snobs and sniffles from my horrifying past relationships.

I have scars on my mouth from speaking the truth, only the truth and nothing but the truth.

I have scars on my neck from getting choked up on false love and fake proposals.

I have scars on my shoulders from lifting up responsibilities that I was accustomed to from an early age.

I have scars on my hands from holding onto things that weren’t supposed to be mine from the very start.

I have scars on my chest from my ice cold heart that has been stomped over and over multiple times.

I have scars on my lungs from the “occasional” stress buster cigarettes that I am addicted to every now and then.

I have scars on my stomach from one too many butterflies that flew when we first met.

I have scars on my legs from running, miles away from people and that place I used to call home.

I have scars on my skin from the many tattoos I got done that helps me reassure my self-worth.

I have scars on my soul from trying hard to pull myself together, calm me down and compose myself through the rampant storm that’s been raging in my life.

I have all these scars. All of them.
And they don’t scare me now even though they hurt like hell, at times.
They’ve become a part of me and looking back, they are just reminders of who I was, what I have been through my life and the person it has made me become.
They don’t scare me anymore because they define who I am now.

A survivor.

tw self harm



Perhaps I’m starting to understand
Tonight, I want desperately
To take the blade to my skin
But only to leave a mark
A reminder
Of what’s happened today