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When I used to think of dying
I thought of the physical aspect of death
I thought of something physical happening to me
and my organs would shut down
I would stop breathing you know physically dying
I'm sure when everyone thinks of dying
that's all they think about
the physical aspect
What about dying a different way?
What about dying emotionally?
What about dying mentally and spiritually?
We are all born into a certain life that shapes us
We go through phases
we meet people and we experience things that
end up defining us
At some point we discover who we are
We discover what we love and hate
We live a life that brings us a certain joy
and all is well
What if at some point you go through something
you weren't prepared for?
Something every human faces and it changes you
to the point you die in ways you never expected?
The death to the parts of you that you once knew so well
are now so foreign that getting out of bed is no longer scary
It's terrifying
The things you used to love
no longer bring you joy
The people who once knew you
now view you as a stranger
and they make comments about how you're not the same
and you agree with them yet there is nothing you can do
to change the way things are now
Nothing looks the same
Nothing sounds the same
Nothing tastes the same
Nothing feels the same
You try to so hard to be the person you were
before your world was blown up
again by an experience all human beings face
at one point or another
For some reason though the experience changed you
in such a profound way you can't begin to explain it
You want to put into words how terrifying it is
to look in the mirror and no longer recognize yourself
You think you have an answer to the problem
You think "it's just depression.
I've been here before
so everything will be okay"
Yet you know to your core it's not depression
It is a death to the parts of you
that no longer have a place in your life
It's frustrating because you didn't choose this
You didn't want this
You weren't prepared for this but then again
no one is ever truly prepared for death
physical or otherwise
So what do you when you've died but you're still here physically?
How do you grieve the old you
when all you want is to hold onto yourself that is so familiar
yet you know there is so much more to your future self
than your past self could ever provide?
How do you heal from something so common
but to you it's world devastation?
How do you start over with a fresh perspective
with the ones you love are grieving the old you too?
They know you're not the same
Their lives have been shaped too
When I used to think of dying
I thought it was the most horrific thing in the world
and it is
What if death isn't always as horrific as we make it out to be?
What if the grief I'm deeply experiencing is the slow
birth to a version of me I could never be without this grief
and pain that has seemed to take control of my life
like a puppet on strings?
What if this grief is giving me the opportunity to love others
in a way I've never been able to before?
What if it's strengthening me to face fears
that will take me to a life I've spent years dreaming of?
Maybe everything I thought I knew turned out to be *******
and I'm just a tortured writer trying to make sense of a world
in total chaos
All I know is that I'm still here physically
I am still breathing and feeling
I am not dead
I am being reborn
and as doubtful as grief attempts to make me
I have high hopes that everything will be okay eventually

I used to think it was important to save relationships with people
who I knew deep in my soul were no longer meant to be in my life.
It's harder when its a family member but I would rather be surrounded
by people who love me so much it's hard for me to comprehend
than force myself to be around people who truly dont care about me at all.
When you love yourself and respect yourself,
I mean truly love and respect yourself, you will have no problem
cutting ties with people who no longer help you grow as a person.
Is it painful?
Yes. It's a heartbreak.
Is is lonely?
Yes. Change is supposed to be uncomfortable.
Does it make room for people who will love you in a healthy way
and present opportunities for you to shine
and take you on adventures too magical for the mind to understand?
Yes. With every loss comes a gain you never expected.
Will it happen overnight? No.
So what do you do? You grieve, you feel, you cry, you get angry,
you fall apart and you embrace being uncomfortable for a little while.
Then one day you realize you have the opportunity to start over,
to rebuild, to rediscover yourself and before you know it you're smiling again.
You're creating art, you're dancing in the rain and laughing so hard it hurts.
You look at yourself in the mirror
and think "wow! What was supposed to break me didn't and I feel good."
Sometimes making the choice to let go of someone toxic
is the best thing you can do for yourself.
It's never easy but its extremely rewarding in the end.
I promise you that.
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders 💙
Vader the black nosed pitbull
had a very lovely smile
and if you ever saw him
you would stare for quite awhile
All of the other pitbulls
laughed at him because of his size
they wanted nothing to do with him
but boy were they in for a surprise
Then one day in Bullhead City
a man gave Vader a home
They left the pound with joy in their hearts
and now Vader was no longer alone
Now Vader has a family
and they're all filled with glee
Vader the black nosed pitbull
is the best dog in history
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: December. 5, 2019 Thursday 9:07 a.m.
This body that I'm in disgusts me so much
I can't stand the flab I carry
I hate that my thighs touch
The stretch marks that spread out on my tummy
are purple reminders of how ugly I am
Any time I'm naked
I'm repulsed by the sight of them
The acne on my skin just makes me sick
I can't put anything on my skin without breaking out
and I hate it
The double chin that seems to get bigger
every time I shove food in my face
Reminds me that I'm a fat ***
who takes up too much space
The number on the scale reads 179
I should feel proud yet I want to hide
All I hear in my head is "LOSE MORE WEIGHT!"
I pretend that I'm okay
but inside I'm full of self hate
My ***** are the worst
they're sacks of disappointment
I've never nursed a child
yet they're saggy as can be
My back fat is so apparent
I want to wear the biggest sweater I can find
so no one knows about it other than me
The wrinkles around my eyes are proof
that I'm getting older now
The spider veins that are beginning to show
tell me I'm washed up
Every time I look in the mirror
apart of me dies a little more
I just want to be beautiful
is that too much to ask for
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: October. 8, 2019 Tuesday 8: 36 a.m
Now that's something I haven't thought about in a long time
yet lately it's all I think about
I think about that moment when I can end it all
All of the pain I feel inside will just disappear
and I can finally have the peace I so desperately crave
Lately I feel so empty
I feel like I've run out of love that use to fill my soul
to the point I had no choice but to share it
Now I'm empty
and it scares me
My passions have faded away
My longing for human touch has turned into a stone wall
that I fear Jesus can't even break through it
All my dreams are now in bedded into tears
that claw at my face during moments I should be laughing
The pain I feel lately is so new to me
and I don't know how to make it go away
It stabs at me like a million knives butchering away
and I'm left fighting for my life as I bleed to death
I'm crawling to nowhere and when I've had enough
and I feel like I can no longer breathe I fall asleep
not giving a **** if death has plans to claim me
Then I get up and I relive the pain all over again
Some might read my work and think
"**** this woman is so selfish  
there is absolutely nothing that horrible going on in her life
to make her feel this way"
Maybe they're right
Maybe I am selfish
If they could only step into my skin and feel all that I feel
they wouldn't be able to handle it
Maybe they could
I don't know
What I do know is I am tired of fighting
I'm so sick of fighting my way through
just to end up where I started many years ago
To think this battle for my life and sanity
started when I was just 13 years old
If you told me that this would still be my battle 14 years later
I would have laughed in your face
Suicide it's like an evil that leaves a note on your door
in your weakest moments
"Can I take your life now please check yes or no"
I check no every time
but I've been tempted to check yes
Just when I think I'm close to doing it
I suddenly feel this burst of pain that almost burns my insides
I close my eyes as I curl into a ball
and I see flashes of battles I've won in the past
I see myself with metaphorical swords
and I see my negative thoughts with heartbeats going down
one by one
As I scream in pain I am reminded that I am alive
I have a purpose and I won't find it crawling on the ground
So I pick up my sword and I fight
Every negative comment I recieve I slash in two
Every hand that has ever been laid on me leaving a bruise
I chop to pieces
Every negative experience that tried to **** me I slash it's throat
and I fight
AND I FIGHT because I am a warrior
and warriors don't give up
I may be bleeding from places I never knew I could
but I'm breathing
My muscles may be sore all over
but I'm standing
My thoughts can shout out all of the reasons
as to why I should give up
but I'm still here
I choose life
I choose to live
I choose to hold my sword tightly
and use it as a reminder of how far I've come
My scares may be ugly
but they resemble the darkest parts of hell I've faced
and overcome
My heart may be bruised a bit
but it's my compass to my next journey
and it's still beating like it's never been hit
Suicide can leave me as many notes as it wants to
my answer will never change
I'll scream it if I have to
"Can I take your life now please check yes or no"
I check no
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: July. 20, 2019 Saturday 6:35 PM
I called him around midnight asking him to come over
I said "I don't mean to bother you but I'm feeling blue and
we don't need to have *** but I need some kind of human touch
before I go insane"
He didn't hesitate and he was at my door by 12:15 am
I opened that door so quick I thought I was losing it
I wrapped my arms around him and he held me tight
I took in his scent and closed my eyes
and as his hands gently caressed my back
I felt all of my anxiety melt away
I didn't want him to let go of me
I wanted him to stay
We laid on my bed our legs intertwined as we were face to face
I was in my underwear and t-shirt
he was in his jeans but I could feel that he wanted me
I asked him "do you want to have *** with me?"
He put his left hand on my face and said
"I won't lie
I absolutely want to have *** with you right now
but that's not all I want
I want to wake up and make you coffee as you sleep in
but it's my bed I want you to wake up in every morning
I want to walk on the beach like we sometimes do as the sun sets
but I want to be able to hold your hand and tell you how beautiful
I think you look when the wind forces your hair to be out of your face
I want to argue with you when you're being irrational
and when you tell me to leave I'll say no because I don't run away
from what I truly want even when things get difficult
I want to kiss you in the rain
and hold you in my arms while we watch movies on the couch
I want to be able to tell you each and every day how incredible
I think you are even though you don't think so
and one day I'd like to give you my last name so I can spend
the rest of my life making you laugh and smile
If I can't have any of that with you
then I don't want to have *** with you"
I looked at him then kissed him on the lips at 4:05 am
it felt like the most natural thing in the world
I didn't feel scared, doubtful or insecure
I felt safe, confident and in love
I turned over and put his arm around my waist
I told him how I liked my coffee
and as he snuggled closer to me
I could feel the smile on his face
WRITTEN BY:Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: May. 26, 2019 Sunday 10:45 pm
I missed you
I know that we haven't spoken in awhile
and that's my fault
When my soul is in agony
I have a tendency to lock myself away from the world
because I fear that my emotional pain
is too much for anyone to handle
That's not how it used to be with us though
When I was sad I came to you
You would hold your arms out wide
as I fell into them
You would hold me as I cried against your shoulder
When my arms were stained red from bleeding
after tearing up my arms with a razor
you were there to wrap my arms in bandages
and you would kiss my wounds as if
kissing them would make them disappear
I told you my deepest secrets
and you've kept every one
I shared with you my darkest thoughts
and you never grew afraid of me
You loved me when my stomach was hungry
because I refused to eat when I thought 145
pounds was too fat
I was rotting away in every way possible
yet you managed to breathe life into me every time
I remember when I first told you I wanted to **** myself
you took my hand and squeezed it hard
You reminded me that the air I was breathing was a gift
and to never take it for granted
You found me when I was broken
You shared my journey and hit rock bottom
every time I did too
When I was too angry to talk to you
you never got upset
You waited patiently for me to come to my senses
We spent every moment together
You were my life line at one point
but as time went on and I got better
we began to drift apart
Everyday conversations turned into every other day
which turned into every other week
and eventually into every other month
Then a year passed and we didn't speak once
I felt guilty about it
but I felt like I didn't need you anymore
I thought the universe brought us together
because it knew I was in pain
I had no one to turn to
and you gave me everything
I knew how to love you in sadness
but no clue how to love you in happiness
I missed you to the point I felt lost
as if a part of me had died
Then in the blink of an eye on a great Sunny day
I found you waiting for me
with a big smile on your face
I ran up to you and took your hand
and my heart immediately knew
that through the good times and the bad times
I was meant to be with you
As I sit here writing this out
tears are slowly streaming down my face
It feels so good to share with you everything I feel
as if we were back in that place
that walk in closet in the house on 28th street
where 12 years ago you found me
I fell in love with the greatest thing on earth
I fell in love with writing poetry
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: March. 14, 2019 Thursday 4:49 PM
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