Who is to heal
This broken heart?
Who is to save
My sinning soul?
Who is to tell me
Right from wrong?
Who is to fill
This gaping hole?

And when I search for an answer
I get an answer alright,
But it’s never so simple.
I’m maybe only a little lost
But I’m still lost alright,
Deluded until I’m exposed.

But I’ve made my resolve
I know what I must do.
But the tide and the winds
Keep shifting my view.
And now look at me,
Look at me and you,
Miles apart,
Nothing like the start,
Is it too later to turn this around?
Am I too high up to come back to the ground?

I want to be loved,
By both man and by God.
I want to feel it in my bones,
I want to feel it in my heart.

You say this is a test.
When I sleep I do not rest.
I can’t say I’m doing my best
When the wind takes hold of my chest.

So tell me what to do!
When my desires push from you!
I am not fit to lead my hand!
I am weak,
The epitome of man!

For as long as I live
I will struggle.
There’s no longer a living model.
And my nature will see it’s limits.
It’s a mercy,
When all there’s left are minutes.

So tell me what to do!
When my desires push from you!
I am running out of time!
I’m turning my heart blind!
So save me from myself.
Save me from my kind.

Could you separate life
From the living,
The scripture
From the pope?
The teacher
From their history
Could you find that glimmer
Of hope?

Could you forgive
Betrayal?
If not
Do you have a limit?
Could you see weakness
And still
Accept it?

What if it never amends
Or if it’s never acknowledged?
Could You forgive and forget a broken promise?
Could you trust?
Could you be trusted?
Could you fix what is broken
Without the knowledge?

Maybe you could
If you had to choose between
Losing a part of yourself
And losing something dear to you.
Or if you had to choose between
Being alone
And forgiving someone who has wronged you.

And could you
Accept an apology
Of someone who
Has done something
They could never take back?
Could you accept an apology
For a pattern
Occurring behind your back?

I will not be walked all over.
I will not be taken as a fool.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
But
What you did to me,
To us,
Was nothing short of cruel.
And I don’t know if you mean it
When you said you were sorry
Or you’re only sorry
Now that you can’t hide
The consequences,
Now that I have to
Deal with this
For the rest of my life.
And I love you,
But
If forgiveness means
To trust you one more time,
I wouldn’t be able to lie.

Do you still not know
Who I am after all these years?
Was it my fault for not telling you
Or for you never asking?
Did I deceive you because
I was reserved?
Did it ever occur to you that
I could be suffering in silence?
Yet let me ask again
Do you still not know me after all these years?
What am I to you
Who am I to you
What do I seem like to you?
Because you are baffled by my reaction
To your cold shoulder
Your blunt response
Telling me to deal with it
On my own
Like I’ve always done.
And I don’t know
If you can see
What it is you’re doing
But you’re making this
So much harder for me.
And I wonder
Do you still not know
Who I am after all these years?
And yet these tears
These familiar tears
Glide on my cheeks
Reminding me that I’ve always been
Deeply lonely.
Deeply.
And when I make a noise
It’s like no one listens
It’s like I’m in a dream
And you’re all in a daze,
And I’m not sure
If it was me who dug this
Deep dark grave.

He wants to **** the scholar’s daughter;
Puppy-dog eyes by the end of the night,
Breathy voice, inching closer,
“How can a girl like you be a ******?” He whispers.
Lust overtakes his sight.
He says things he shouldn’t say,
It doesn’t sound right.
He must want to do it at any cost
Because he asks for her price
Like he has a mission to fulfil
By the end of the night.

He wants to know the kind of jewellery she wears,
The kind of positions she’ll take,
And how far she’s willing to go with a man.
He asks her her boundaries,
But he isn’t willing to understand.

Night-time clouds judgement,
In daylight he seemed weak and meagre.
I see the looks you steal from the corners of your eyes.
I see your lust, your desire
Begging me to compromise.
You must’ve thought I was just some *****-
You must’ve been surprised I was this polite.
You must’ve thought that I’d let you do as you please without putting up a fight.

So what was I supposed to do?
Give myself up to a guy who’d just ridicule my philosophy?
To a guy who’d get me to pay for his lunch?
No “thank you”, no “sorry”?
To a guy that would hit me hard,
Or grab the back of my neck,
Just to show that he has power over me,
And then laugh like he’s teasing?
Was I meant to give myself up to someone who ‘jokes’ about ******????

I wonder,
Did he think he was ‘alpha’,
‘Tough’,
And ‘strong’?
I bet with how I acted,
He thought he had me wrapped around his finger all along.

And I was out her trippin’
Over being desired and liked.
I overlooked his flaws,
Told myself: “he could change,
One day he might.”
I said this knowing
He was a giant talking red flag
And I gag at the type of girl
I was made out to be.

I lusted for you,
And waited for you to text me.
I baited you, and butterflies flew when you said you missed me.
I wanted you,
Wanted you to hold me,
Kiss me,
And we did all that,
But it meant nothing without security,
And it’s not worth selling my dignity.