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OCD
This disease struck me
Like a brick on pavement
Hard

Everything was
Perfect
Then that brick came along
And with the slightest movement
Destroyed everything

“Count it
Perfect it
Measure it
Clean it”
The voices say

Why can’t I let them go?
They keep repeating:

“Count it
Perfect it
Measure it
Clean it”
Why won’t they stop

“Count it
Perfect it
Measure it
Clean it”
I don’t understand

“Count it
Perfect it
Measure it
Clean it”
Someone just HELP me understand

This disease is about
Perfection
But it's the biggest
Imperfection about me
I walked in autumn
leaves this morning and they sang
a song to my feet
:) la de daaaaa :-))
Silly one x
Talk like you speak with flowers,
Subtle and fragrant
So that I notice the wilting
Passion that their green stalks
Soon exhibit.
Hair flicks in the air
As the drive goes
With lowered down windows.

The air lashes
And the radio blurs
As the only eye sees
What it wants
As the coast glides
as we coast down
This road.

And perhaps
You wanted to take
another way
But we are at the mercy
of the driver,
With the sun in our eyes
and the sea to the left.

But please don't forget,
As you promise you wouldn't.
But the salt makes it hard to stay awake,
and the sun feels so good.
But you're gone as you should.
learn from thy mistakes
shape and mold you to become
wise, humble and kind
learn and grow

Jerelii
october,2018
copyright
“Grades are getting low,
the teens are getting high.
That 12 year old is pregnant
and her parents wonder why.

A 1st grader is swearing,
a 3rd grader has been *****.
Just take a look around you,
isn’t the system great?

Who isn’t faded these days,
teens are sending nudes,
kids are getting beaten,
the teachers see the bruises.

No calls for help are spoken,
teens are smoking ****,
young girls are cutting,
this isn’t what we need.

The marks of taunt and yelling,
parents are divorced.
That 14 year old is drinking beer,
this can’t get any worse.

A little girl has killed herself,
nobody seems to care.
Another kid has been expelled
for a stupid dare.

But it needs to change.
Our world is officially broken.
It’s time to take a stand;
your thoughts need to be spoken.”

Thoughts are running wild
As the tears stream down my face.
Depressed and suicidal,
But I should just stay in my place.

I’m feeling kinda broken,
Feeling kinda lost.
I wanna make my pain
Just go away at any cost.

Don’t get me wrong, I grew up
In a nice enough neighborhood.
And I did everything that
Anybody said I should.

But it wasn’t enough.
It wasn’t me.
I thought that I could help the world
With the things I’ve seen.

My cousin lost herself
In drinking hard and smoking ***.
My good friend tried to run away
And lose her past a lot.

I, myself, have struggled
With thoughts of losing it all.
The pro and cons of jumping off
That cliff into the free fall.

I mean if there's something that can save me
Then it'll show up, right?
It's worth the wait to take a blade to my wrist
And **** it up, right?

The truth is, I don't know
How to do this and win the fight.
I need someone to show me
There's still a ray of light.

I fell into a pit of despair
And it consumed me.
I guess the only way to help the world
Was to lose me.

Finding myself is gonna take a while.
Don't know if I can make it.
Keep giving out my heart
Hoping someone will take it.

Drinking, smoking,
Doing everything to make me numb.
Doing stupid things.
Making people call me dumb.

Popping pills like candy
Just to get me through the day.
Trying to end it all;
To make the pain just go away.

It wasn't perfect. Never.
It wasn't good enough for anyone.
So I always sat alone
And wished my life was done.

~Ashton Grayson Everly
The part in quotes was written on Facebook by Will Smith. The rest is mine.
Can we just hop on a train and go somewhere where we don't know the end destination? Right now, this very moment. No thoughts, no second-guessing, no packing, no questions asked. Let's just go and go and go and go. Late nights, early mornings, and long afternoons with no plans—just the blissful taste of random, spontaneous life. Life without responsibilities and reliability. Without lifelong goals, dreams, and expectations. Life without bills and internships to get to that job, to get to that job, to get to that job. Life without insurance. Life without the question of life without.

Let's just hop on a train, right here, right now, this very moment. Don't question me, because if you do, I'll back out immediately—I know it.
(gulp)

Couldn’t resist a minute more.

Relapse.

I again…

After six months sober...

Here.

In this pain I know all too well.

Ten years lost to this drug my veins ache for.

First breath in the morning and last thought at night, all consumed by it.

Every cell in me craves it.

That physical euphoria my body portraits.

Feels like someone has poured pure joy into every single muscle and fiber of my being.

It makes me feel so content

Every single bit of me is singing and buzzing with life and love.

It's like the ecstasy of *******— that first blissful, pleasurable pulsation of endorphins and serotonin.

This is what I feel when I first take LOVE.

And then...

And then, the honeymoon stage is over.

Fights erupt.

Never-ending debates.

Miscommunications.

Misperceptions.

No trust.

Accusations.

Lies.

“I’m done...”



Again, it feels like a part of my soul is leaving my body.

Again, sitting here numb.

A toxic love...

I’m addicted to,

And there’s no way around it.

It’s already deep intertwined with my veins.

Yet, no matter the toxic, tragic event that happened before, I sit here, and I want nothing more than to spend my life next to this soul.

To see his eyes unchanged as the skin around it wrinkles and grows old is what my heart will always desire— to stare at those eyes for the rest of eternity.

Dead air…


















So here I’ll wait, until you decided to come into my life again and repeat this déjà vu.
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