I gave you head for 36 minutes while you drove and when I asked if we could pull over so I could use a gas station restroom you called me selfish and said I could wait. There is a bruise down the left side of my ribcage from leaning over the armrest and I couldn't breathe for two minutes because we hit a pothole.
Good girls wait.
I couldn't wear a seatbelt on the high way because the strap wasn't long enough for me to be able to have my face in your lap. You said I'd be fine and I played your voice over and over in my head every-time you swerved because you had one hand on my neck instead of on the steering wheel. You got angry when I flinched at a passing stop sign and asked why I didn't trust you.
Good girls trust.
When we got to your moms house, you got out of the car and went inside before I even opened my door. You were naked when I walked in. You said "foreplay isn't my thing". I couldn't get my shirt off for five minutes because my fingers were shaking and the buttons were too small so you grabbed the kitchen scissors and cut it up the back. There's a scar along my spine now and you still run your fingers along it every-time I beg you not to. You tell me obedience is love.
Good girls obey.
You said you wanted to **** me in the bathtub so I bent over to turn on the water and you put yourself inside me. I cut my foot on your mothers shaving razor, and you told me you'd get me a bandaid after, told me to hold still so you could finish.
Good girls don't move.
We never made it into the bath because as soon as you were done, you yelled at me for getting blood on your mothers good towel and said I told you I was hurt but only in my head so of course you couldn't hear me. You came back with washcloth and a bandaid. Said I should watch where I step from now on.
Good girls are careful.
You walked me to your brothers room because he had a waterbed that you said you'd been dying to try and told me to put my face in the pillow and my *** in the air. Hands behind my back like a delinquent baby. The first hit came as such a shock my body jolted and you yelled something I couldn't really hear from under the pillow. Once my thighs looked like Tigers bellies and my neck was aching, you placed your corruption inside the only part of me you hadn't touched and when I started to scream you pushed my head back into the drool stained pillow and said to be quiet.
Good girls are quiet.
When you finally released inside, you threw my clothes to me and popped 3 Vicodin. You asked me if I wanted one, and I told you I wanted them all. You explained that that would **** me and I explained that I knew. You said you had to save them for your friends tonight, but you'd provide my noose once you got some more. When you dropped me off at my house, you grabbed my wrist before I got out of the car and said to give you a kiss. I said no, and you tightened your grip, told me to be good. I kissed you.
Good girls are good.

Good girls wait, and trust, and obey, and good girls don't move and good girls are careful and they are quiet and good, and good girls ..
good girls are good. But I am not.

I have seen hatred of me
     on the face of total strangers...
I have known
     ...physical
         .....emotional
              .....unendurable abuse and pain.
Each strike ripping my soul
       to shreds.
Yet I have found strength
     amidst broken pieces
Determined to repair
    both heart and soul
Some say~
     "Clearly with Crazy Glue"....
What's wrong with her?
      She laughs
         She dances
             She sings
Oblivious to the grotesqueness
       others firmly believe
            to be all that is she.
Yet my monstrous
   ....malformed
       ....aberrant
           tortured essence~
Still finds the compassion
     to offer a hand in friendship.
Able to muster the strength
      offering care
          and understanding
So desperately needed for self
         to others....
For the faint of heart
     may naught but see
         the scars
              the fears and
                tattered shambles of my life.
However, the few who stand
         in shoes similar to mine.
Share an understanding...
       A commonality....
          A symbolic connection
The stark realization of the
          courage it takes to survive...
              derived only through experience.
My shattered heart and soul
    Are but a badge of honor.
Proudly I carry
    til the end of my days....

it is 2:16 AM.
I am not awake because I am emptying my veins or medicine cabinets or tear ducts,
I am awake simply because I have not yet drifted into gray unconsciousness.
I will not fall asleep tonight on a salt soaked pillow-case and I will not wince every time my wrist rubs against the comforter.
I will fall asleep quickly, because I remembered to take my medicine, and I will stay asleep and dream of beautiful church buildings with stained glass windows and nativity porcelain and rooftop crucifixes I will not dream about jumping off.
When the bells ring, I will wake up and my mom will call me in for breakfast.
I will not be nervous.
I will not clasp my hands behind my back to hide my forearms.
I will eat eggs and toast and sausage and I will lick the grease from my fingers and it will taste good. It will not taste like calories. Like regret.
I will put my pants on and when they get stuck around my thighs I will groan and throw them out. I will not modify my body to fit into them.
My eyes will be bright and my veins intact and my shirt will be short sleeved and that will be alright.
I will be alright.

Ninety-Three percent of the mass in our bodies is made of stardust.
The day i learned about this in third period science class, I texted you and relayed what I had understood. You replied four hours later with "that's still just dust".
2. The "Cold War" wasn't actually a physical war
We get in arguments because some days I'm cold and distant, and can't get off the bathroom floor. You tell me it's all in my head.
3. 'I am.' is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
When I told you my favorite quote was "I think, therefore I am." by Descartes, you looked at me like I a *****, said I shouldn't try to be so poetic.
4. A snail can sleep for more than three years at a time.
I can't take naps anymore because when I lay my head down all I can hear is your voice saying "you sleep so much you might as well be dead".
5. The brain can’t create a new face. It only remembers faces you’ve seen somewhere before. This includes in your dreams.
Since I met you, I stopped dreaming in color. All of my fantasies are black and white. You say it's probably because I have "issues".
6. Two days after they die, ants give off an odor which other ants pick up on. They come pick up the ant and carry it to an ant graveyard.
I used to talk to you about my funeral plans, how I wanted to be made into a cherry blossom. You said you'd have me cremated.
7. The human body is made up of 70% water.
Jesus Christ, I am drowning.

Rip my soul and wipe me clean,
let me know I'm not just another tragedy.
We push and pull, I know I'm a fool.
Fighting and scratching,
for a game I'll lose.
Hang me from a tree,
my feet dangling high above the ground,
be careful, I tell you, don't make a sound.  

Whispering in hushed tones,
they only ever talk to me when I'm alone.
You aren't worth it, they say.
I'm better of dead, I say.
Let the voices in my head, swallow me whole
Nothing's left of me, I'm trap in a deep hole.

No one ever cares, unless you're beauty
Or dead.
Take one step further,
an inch closer.
Falling from the cliff,
gravity didn't seem as heavy as it did.
I'm flying, flying.
Out of consciousness,
I'm dying.

It's like
the people of the world
are strangers to each other.
Pass by and you'll find
no wave, no smile, no hello.

They've got their hands full.
With their phones and their antisocial,
with their earphones that clog their ears,
blocking them from the world.
Just the way they like it.
With their makeup,
covering everything about them.
Even their smile,
even their eyes that once connected,
even their face they no longer want seen.

They got no time for others.
They spend all their days with their robots.
They got no time for interaction,
unless it's the kind with the Internet.

It's like
every stranger in this world
forgot how to be social,
how to be friendly,
how to be kind,
how to be human.

In a world with
communication developed to the
extent it is at globally.

It is amazing to me the
difficulty to communicate
forgiveness of the soul
on a common level.