Milk chocolate hair with an endless forest in her eyes;
The things that make her beautiful,
Chapped lips & an imperfect crooked-toothed smile,
The things that make her human,
Tear-stained cheeks beneath the dark circles under her eyes,
The things that make her real,
Warm days with blue skies and flying across the world,
The things she dreams about,
Remembering who she is and not knowing where she's going,
The things that make her anxious,
Dark brown eyes & little, soft brown curls,
The thing that makes her happy,
5'11 with a killer gorgeous smile,
The boy who loves all of her.

I don't know when it occurred to me I wanted you forever. But I think about every now & again. How a person could possibly want another person to hold their hand for a lifetime. I mean, ours get sweaty being intertwined for less than an hour. But I don't know, I don't know a lot of things. I don't know how I'm awake at three-in-the-morning only on the nights before I have an early class, or why the sky has that odd pastel glow on the nights when it's snowed, or how to drive, yet but there are some things that I do know. I know what shirt you were wearing on the day we met & that it's somewhere in my hamper right now, I know how to say the alphabet backwards just as fast as forwards & I know that my heart has never been more content in letting someone in than it has with you. I know, my love, that we're young & life's too short to pretend we're not perfect for each other, so I won't let myself picture a life without you in my arms. Terrifying to say, but the truest words I'll ever know, I want to spend my forever with you.

It's back to black, I suppose
Like they say,
Our plans, darling, they've changed
But you're still a character
In my story,
& I never intend to write you out
If it's with you it won't ever be boring,
Because that's what life's going to be
No, not boring, but just you & me,
On a different continent, sure
But with a love so much stronger,
One that is pure,
So I wait for you, darling
I'll wait for you to arrive
Sleepless I am without you, perhaps
Though hopeless, I'm not
The one thing I can count on, my love
Is for you & I to carry on
Wherever we are in this life
It won't matter
Because like they say;
"Home is where the heart is"
& darling, home is wherever I'm with you

Why would I ever dare
To kiss, another pair
Of lips? When it's his
That make me believe
In magic.*

I've reached the point
Where I cannot see one
In ever wasting a moment
Trying to love anyone else
It's here where I belong
With him
With no one else.

I don’t even know
what to say
it’s not like I’m being heard anymore anyway,
when I say; I’m going away,
to Denmark
somehow suddenly, people listen
though once I’m back
they’ve forgotten I was ever gone
I can’t wait to go back & start over
*I can’t wait to forget being forgotten

I hardly remember
a ******* thing
about that day
before gazing into his eyes
once again, for the first time

rushing toward the exit
running from the baggage claim;
it was all a blur,
as walked through those doors
all I remember was the vastness
of the first sight,
stepping into the bright, unfamiliar place
& nothing else, but him

I scanned the crowd
the strange faces waiting
for loved ones
emotion thick enough to touch
in the air,
but just to my right
in the front
with his body pressed up against the metal bar,
I saw him

it was the first time I saw his face
not through a photo or webcam
in a time that was so long it ached
I think I lost my breath
did I leave my things behind when I ran?
I don't remember,
I just ran to him

it was too surreal
I can't remember a moment between
seeing his face, & kissing his lips
nor what kind of kiss it was
or how long it lasted
I just couldn't fathom it
I was really there
it was really him
& it didn't matter where we were
it was all a wonderland
to me, I was holding his hand again
everything was bright & new
it was magic, pure magic

november 8th, 2013*
i found these old sketches
of you & I
unfinished, & i'm erasing them
i don't intend to finish them
& it doesn't hurt anymore
it doesn't hurt anymore*

i forgot what it felt like
to heal
the feeling is back
& it's real

sometimes
when you take the leap
you fly
but i've never been happier to say
i fell
instead

remember, remember
the fifth of November?
because I do,
& I have all the words I wrote
from that night

i met a boy today,
he called it a date
*& I already must admit
that the way his dimples
are crooked, & his whole face
smiles, & the way
he loses his eyes
when he laughs
are my favourite
is it wrong to be in this limbo
with a boy
who is a mutual & very close friend
of your ex?
it doesn't feel wrong,
it feels like it could even be very right

we walked through the woods today
& it was lovely but
all too familiar
but I didn't even mind,
I just wonder
if this is the bridge I should take,
I took one today with you
& it was fantastic
I wish I hugged you tighter today,
I wonder what it will be like
when we fall for each other...

distance is;
the marks my fingernails leave on my scalp,
the extra hair on my brush that I keep tearing out,
the faint smell of him on his T-shirt covered in my tears,
distance is far worse than any of my fears

it's 5:11am & I miss you
& truly, I hate to miss you,
4,000 miles, my love, is quite
a long way, for our love to stretch
but stretch it may, as it only grows
though, no longer do I want it to stretch,
not because I believe it will get worn,
with our love, that's not a possibility,
I wake every morning to a smile
from you, the only sunshine that matters
but, as this sun rises, ours sets
on the other side of the world
& I can't miss another sunset without you,
distance makes the heart grow fonder
true, it does, but no one speaks about
how it makes you ache,
I miss you, my love
though soon, I won't have to,
everything is going to change
& I'm ready
to start anew
on the other side of the world
to begin my life, with you
year two

it was one year ago, last night
when he walked into my life
& never would I have thought
we'd have fallen in love like this
but I must admit, I knew,
the very moment I saw him smile
that I might just lose myself
& want to stay awhile
because, my God, that smile
it made me believe
that love at first sight
was real as can be.

They say if you're wide awake at night
You're broken or madly in love
I do recall having spent many a night
Enveloped in that insomnia
Broken as can be
Believing it was hopeless to ever fall asleep
Until I slept for months when the nightmares ceased
As they were left only as my reality
I thought I could put my misery to sleep
& so it fell, asleep, no longer with me,
Thus better I became
Unbroken as can be.

One day I must have left
The latch on my healing heart unlocked
As I seemed to have let it open to love
& so I fell, again
But this time it was different
I found myself again laying in bed wide awake
Though there wasn't a trace of heartache
I found myself staring into the darkness of my room
Dreaming about the curve of his smile
The sound of his laugh, & I can't stop
When you fall in love, real love
Some nights you won't sleep
Right now I'm awake & thinking of the way he looks at me
Sleeping is overrated when your heart
Would rather wake your mind & entertain you with what
You can call "mine" & my gosh, he is all mine

It's 4:44 AM & my eyes are closed
But I'm wide awake dreaming
Of the smell of his clothes
Blanketed in the faint scent
Of him, from this afternoon
His presence lingering in my bed
From every day that we spent
Together entangled in our love for each other
Smiling between every kiss
& deeply forgetting all the world
Falling in love over & over
I lie awake tonight wishing my body was
Entangled elegantly in his
Although not tonight, someday it will be
So we must have faith in this love
You & me,
Because someday will come
& forever we will be

life is a freefall
we're all falling
from the start
for love
for lies
for something to believe in
we fall forever
until someone catches us
but the fall doesn't stop
we just...
fall together
but sometimes
their arms get tired
they let go
we continue to fall
& they fall too
but no longer is it for one another
it's for one other
person to believe in
we aren't searching
we're falling for someone
who's worth the catch
in a split second they're there
in our arms
& in a familiar second they can be
just gone
but we don't stop falling
& our arms don't truly tire
they're always ready to catch someone new
even if we aren't
& we're always ready to wrap our arms
around a someone new
& even if we yet don't know it
life is a freefall
but the key is
to remember
we're not alone
we're all falling
a freefall
searching for something true

i still remember
march thirteenth
the day we went on
our very first date
& i still remember
the outfit i wore
on that same tuesday
you bought me ice cream
i still remember
the first time we kissed
it was a tuesday
how could i forget?
& i still remember
that march sunset
the way that you paused
then finally leaned in
i still remember
the things that you said
that rainy afternoon
on a tuesday i regret
& i still remember
how your voice cracked
when you said goodbye
& kissed me one last time

adieu mon amour
please don't forget
while you're away
all the nights
& all the days
that we spent
together, please
do not let slip
the memory of me
for as you're not here
every day
i will think of you
& wish you had stayed

good-bye,
farewell,
such kind words
but bittersweet
easily spoken
yet less easy
to
     let
           go

(i love you)

I thought I saw a ghost,
Perhaps it was just
A worn memory of you,
Akin to your favoured pair
Of tattered blue jeans,
Likewise worn
That old, deep blue couch
We once broke in,
Now nowhere to be
Found, much like
Your heart,
Conceivably occupied
By a new individual,
Or possibly left
Alongside the road
Waiting for a new embrace,
Her smile likely dimmer
Than the girl who sat,
Once beside you on that couch
In a warm grasp that has died,
Along with the feelings
We once shared
Sat upon that couch.

Half awake
I lie in bed, searching
For your smell
Among the covers,
Desperately chasing
A memory of you
From when we had been
Lovers.