I still pine
       for what I’ve lost
               the promise and
                               fulfillment.

I still search my memory
                for hidden fragments
                                 of that treasure.

     Time has covered
                some of them in
                            shadows of nostalgia.

     But the flaming pain
                        still brightly burns and
                                      tears will not extinguish it.
                        ljm

Don't listen to that voice
The one within your mind
That tells you everything is going to be okay

Because it's not

You know it's not

You struggle every day and every night
Always tired of this fight
It draws you in and lures you too far
Then you're trapped and there's no going back
So why bother?

Why bother?
Why care?
It's not like anyone is there
To hear you cry out for help
Or to see you reach out desperately

So you sit there and you cry

Until the one you truly love comes along
To pull you back from the depths of the hell within your head

i was
    a little lamb
               and you were
                      a wolf in sheep's clothing
and when i trusted you
         you tore off your wool
                 and dug your claws
                                  into my flesh

If I think too hard

I can still feel their hands on my body
Four of them rubbing and squeezing and grabbing my skin
Desperate for my oblivious being.

If I think too hard

I can still feel the scratch of his stubble
As his skin rubs mine
And the other caresses me
Taking away my control.

If I think too hard

The world still spins
I can hear the moaning
And the distant sounds of nature
Outside of our tent, but so far away from my reality.

If I think too hard

I can hear their comments of praise
To each other
As I lay there blind drunk
And they do with me what they please


If I think too hard

I try desperately to shield the memory,
The three of us entangled
And together,
A trio of drunken disgrace.

If I think too hard

I cringe and cry
And my legs clamp shut
Disgusted at my stolen consciousness
And forever violated by my memory.

If I think too hard

I hate myself for what happened
I hate him for being drunk
And I hate the other for being selfish,
Breaking my heart and my trust

"i'm not going anywhere"
what a lie

I try, I try
To get out of the darkness
But one foot is in light
and the other in despair

Why don’t I want to be
fully immersed in light?

Maybe I don’t want others
To see me stripped bare
Or
I don’t want to acknowledge
My own ugliness

I came to your doorstep
When I was a broken and
Dripping in pain

You kindly took me in
And repaired
Me into the woman
I am today

Granted I am still broken
In places
But less ashamed of the
Things that broke me

There is still a long
Journey ahead
But I know I have you
By my side

It’s hard to remember everything I did with her
When I remember, it hurts
But I don’t want to forget
Maybe this is real pain
Pain that I don’t want to go away
Pain that I’m willing to sit through
If it means remembering you