when I was a little girl
my mother always said
"a boy is only mean when he likes you"

after all these years
maybe that is why
I cut and burn and bruise

I am loving myself
the only way I know how
in the way my mother taught

Today I felt worth-less.
Not in the sense that I had nothing
but like I had less of what I was before.

I guess for some this isn't a bad thing
but for me I'm not too sure...

The cracks in my skin reveal the truth.
The reality that I'm breaking.
My whole being is destroyed slowly
to leave the remains of nothing,
nothing left but a broken shell.

The hollow shell of an empty human.
A forgotten soul neglected in the corners of a dark room.
Left to gather dust and anything possible
to have some sort of value,
to find purpose.

My skin breaks away from me like it never belonged.
Cell by cell my meaning is lost
and that all is left is bones for dead.

But until I get to that point my skin will crack,
and will continue to crack until I'm gone.

I shun happiness not voluntarily
but in the way one's covers
slip off in the night
I never chose this misery
instead I awoke
cold and alone
aware I was unprotected
but in a sleepy haze of apathy
I accept my fate
vulnerable to the darkness
that surrounds my every thought

I am carved from marble
my features wrought in stone
I am cold
I am stubborn
I am unfeeling
but I am stronger than you will ever know

If I am a planet
then you are my sun
my centre
my light
you keep me safe
grounded
without you I drift
you are comfort
you are warmth
you sustain me
my sunshine

The fire in my heart
burning bright
with lust and passion
I conquer love unknown
my soul aflame
sparks fly
and ashes rain
I am lit up from the shadows
a phoenix
reborn
ignited by your love

will you still love me
if I don't smile today?
if my tears fall like raindrops
and my world tears at the seams?
if my voice breaks when I talk
and I seek the comfort of dreams?

will you still love me
if I don't cheer up today?
if I sit rigid in silence
and spend the whole day in bed?
if I find solace in cigarettes
and don't keep myself fed?

will you still love me
if I don't laugh today?
if I keep my thoughts hidden
and don't say what I mean?
if I curl up in darkness
and stare at a screen?

will you still love me
if I don't calm down today?
if my patience wears thin
and snaps like a thread?
if my eyes no longer sparkle
and are absent instead?

will you still love me
if I don't smile today?

If you aren't going to give me any time it's okay.
But don't act like you do
just to meet your preconceived ideas about friendship.

You might give me a compliment from time
and support me in what I do.
But then completely disregarding your promises
isn't okay with me.

So I’m going to find someone who
can give me as much as I can give them.
And for shame, I’m not yours
and your not mine.

Stop, I can’t fall for you, I’m not allowed,
I’m not allowed to speak out to you
For speaking to you would hurt me more,
bringing me the realisation it will never happen.

Instead I will sit here and write,
I’ll write you encrypted poems you’ve seen,
without knowing they’re for you,
a sign of how I feel for you.

But you don’t get it do you?
How would you know what I feel
when I don’t even know how I feel for you.

The simple answer is you wouldn’t.
You could rip my skin and hear it peel
and not understand that it hurts.
All you would do is see the process
and continue on your way.

I’m screaming for you to talk to me,
as talking to me would bring me a relief,
a relief that it wasn’t all in my head,
that I wasn’t assuming it all.

So end my emotional torture before
I put myself out of this misery and try again.