Taking that first magical step out of the plane. The heat strikes you, the humidity is overwhelming.
Taking a seat in the first taxi. The prettiest of palm trees, magnificent skyscrapers trying to reach over the clouds.
Smoking the first cigarette, drinking the first drink.
New people, old people, bars, laughter, beaches, tattoos, sunshine.

Taking that first dreadful step out of the plane.
The cold punches you, the dry air takes your breath away.
Taking a seat in the old familiar car. Cold grey snow trying to stay on the highway.
Smoking only half a cigarette, it's better to be inside.
Old people, old news, grey skies, still the tattoos but lack of sunshine.

Snap out of it. Back to reality.
Bring me back soon.

'' So how many more sessions do you think we need?''

A question I thought would never be asked
I don't allow myself to think bad thoughts
I have my  knights in shining armour around me
Fighting off those bad thoughts with silver swords

'' I don't know...?''

She was always my saving grace
The one who kept me on the ground
Even when I wanted to fly away
My fluffy pink pillow with cotton candy scent

'' I'm thinking 10 more sessions ''

She is going to leave me
Alone with these thoughts
Alone with my emotions
Alone with my demons

''... Okay''

I've been in therapy every week
for almost a year
She did so much to help me
get rid of the monsters under my bed
and the devils inside of my head

'' You will be fine''

I'm not good at being on my own
I need someone to hold my hand
Guide me when there is no sunlight
Help me rebuild my castle when the walls break

''Sure''

Who am I going to be
Without a hand to hold
Without my knights
Without her

*I am scared to find out

How do you greet a stranger,
With a simple hello
or with a loving hug

How do you treat a former friend,
Bringing up ancient memories
or creating new ones

Well
It's been a while

How's Everything been?
Are things better now
or are you still struggling?

How do you say your farewell
With a simple goodbye
or with a light kiss and teary Eyes

I hope you are okay
or at least that you are still hoping
For that happy ending

Well
it's been a while

I'm still here
I still Believe in you
I hope you do too

07.41 am
Have you ever been
Woken by your anxiety?
It knocks on your door
Won't stop banging until you let it in.
Two hours of sleep
That's how long it would leave me.
You know that feeling
When you just feel the need to cry,
Like it would be refreshing,
healing in some way?
I want to do that
But there are no tears.
They don't want to clean my eyes.
They don't want me
To see things clearly.
I think I might be going insane...

How do you tell someone what you have done to yourself?
How do you tell that to someone you actually really like?
How do you tell someone that you are still in the process of getting out of it?
How do you tell someone that you've hurt yourself and have scary scars all over your body?
How do you explain those marks on your body and still pray that the person will stay?
How do you tell someone about that without being afraid that they might laugh at you for being a failure?
How do you tell someone about your past?

I don't know what to write
I'm tired
Of everything
They say I look so happy
I'm tired
Little do they know
I've trained my appearance
To be the opposite of my
Mind and my soul
I'm tired
You look happy
Well darling the answer is simple
There is a war going on inside of me

But what if I really die this time?
What if they can't help me?
Save my broken soul?
Maybe it past fixing?
Maybe this is it?