I close my eyes and picture my funeral.
I drive and contemplate every possible accident.
I stare at the window as if its an escape
And buildings as beautiful, cruel opportunities that I keep passing.

I ******* hate the way my mind works.
I have nothing that detrimental in my life-
yet i keep searching for an exit.

Why have I been like this for 3/4 of my life?
Enlightenment is appreciated
Intellectually thinking, I’m grateful that I understand
how much pain this invisible demon is on my chest.
Empathy is what is driving me and killing me.

I love you all so much.
I am sorry I cannot be stronger.

Ignorance to my issues is making me sick.
Why the **** can no one leave me alone.
I don’t want you here.
My door is never ******* closed.
And yes, you have imposed.
But i will keep my mouth shut
Offering advice and smiles
but
You won’t do the same for me.
Im glad you’re so easy to please
as i nod and smile at every word you people mutter to me.
The sighing, the crying, the huffing and puffing
what the **** is wrong with you?
I keep running away
but I’m running in place.
I see a hope thats hard to find
But i won’t run away from it.
I want to end it all
but guess ******* what!!
I don’t want to hurt anyone.
But laugh it off, cause thats what i would do, right?
Make a joke out of it.
She won’t actually do it.
She would’ve done it already
She's all talk
She is always smiling and laughing.
Theres  no way she is serious.
I hope that every single person who has said that to me, remembers that as they pay their respects to me.
I do not want them to be filled with regret or feeling naive.
I just hope they understand now.
How easy it is for someone to break
Who was never really that much whole.

Darkness calms me.
Knows me.
Quiet, alone.

Daylight is a mask.
An illusion.
I try to be bright
but I'm ******* burning
on the inside.
Craving the shadows,
yearning for silence.

My mind screams;
voices remain still.
Loving the pain.
Dreaming about my solitude-
alone

I never can be alone
This dorm room is a revolving door
When my phone lights up
Anxiety fills
Just leave me alone.

Even while asleep
I am being woken by the
Bodies that fill this small space
I am forced to live in.

The pointless conversations are nauseating.
Listening to their voices
Imagining I am elsewhere.

Can they not tell I just want to be in solitude?
I cannot act bothered.
My empathy for their problems
Is killing me slowly
So draining.

They have written my death already.
Just by nagging someone who is
Just too fragile.
But I will continue to be there for them.
If they only knew what went through my head…
I know they would be there for me.

So lend a hand.

I'm happiest at 4:25 in the morning
few cars on the highway
and fewer voices in this space
something about being alone
in peace and quiet
provides me with the solitude and time for
reflection that keeps me sane
I never know what keeps me up
but I know what keeps me away
The noise of the day is approaching
And while I can feel my heart getting heavy
i long for the next time 4:25 and I meet again.

That stiff manor
And the lifeless grin was enough to
Freeze me.
Love is not supposed to be pulling teeth
To be noticed.
You taught me that mediocre exists.


The love before you
Taught me passion is not just
Drunk tears at 3 am and
Deceiving words.


I went from burning hot to freezing cold.
I don’t know what normal is and
I don’t know if I ever will.

I learned to set my own temperature.
I am in control of my own degree of love.
To find a happy medium would be ideal
But I have come to the conclusion I chase after extremes.
Whether it is extremely boring, or extremely exhilarating
It gives me life.

The difference between you and me
Is that I want you every second of the day-
And when I finally had enough of being
Ignored and pushed to the side
You find it worthwhile
To insert yourself right back
In my ******* mad world

Only to leave me in this mess again.

Thoughts used to fill me
No room to Eat
Energy escaped me as soon as the
Morning sun hit my swollen face.
But the sleepless nights turned into
Rested slumbers.
The thoughts that had once consumed me-
Still linger.
But my will to dismiss them
Strengthened.
I am not whole
But I Refuse to be Weak.
That's one thing I won't let
You Take Away
From Me.

I'm not always going to be there
One day, your ignorant, harsh remarks won't even be able to effect me.
When that day comes, I hope you understand
How living your life so obliviously
Has ultimately attributed to my demise.
And when that day comes
I hope you weep
Knowing that words can cut
As deep as a Knife.

I used to believe you would never hurt me;
and laughing at anyone who thought different.
The first time hit me with the greatest impact imaginable.
The second time- unbearable.
The third...I am part to blame.
You want to know why I pushed you away?
I didn't want it to hurt again.

I come running back. Crying back. Out of breath. Out of pure purpose.
You.

Cold stares, no replies, not a tear shed on your half.
So please forgive me for doubting you now.
It seems so normal. Routine. It feels like "us" again.
Now I come to a crossroads- get comfortable or be on edge.

Natural is the feeling I get when I am with you.
Everything feels right. My mind stops racing and my heart takes its place.
Do you not see this? Or do you not feel this?
Do you even know what I am saying?

I want you to know every day without you stung.
Lack of sleep; couldn't even stomach food without my insides churning at the mere thought of your face.
Having you in my reach now is terrifying.
Terrifying because it's the only thing that makes me feel how I did the first time I ever met you.

I want you to know your worth in my eyes;
How much I adore you;
And the measures I would go to, just to make you believe me.

Would you do the same for me?
Would you give up on me, again?

When you accidentally stumble upon something that stings-
What do you do?
When you see that message of someone making fun of your depression, your grades, your being- but have to pretend you didn't.

I want to tell you how deep that cut me.
I want to cry and ask how someone can be so cruel.

But then I think-
Someone who can make fun of suicide, who can belittle a person's feelings and reality..
That is a tragedy in itself.
So I'll pray for you.

I will pray that one day you find the peace that you so desperately need.
I will pray that the ignorance you possess on something that takes lives is replaced with knowledge about how serious this issue is.
I cannot imagine living a life with such an oblivious tone.

I may be ****** up, but at-least I am know I am.

I stay in the distance with open arms
Appearing calm, internally burning;
Expecting nothing.
How much longer can one wait?
An eternity.
When something this true comes to life-
There is no living without it.