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 Nov 2017 Elysia
A
Embers
 Nov 2017 Elysia
A
The dying embers of my youth are calling out to me. I am lost and miserable, watching life pass me by.

I am chained in a corner of this world because of lines from a book, they call it the word of God but from my experience I know that God never spoke.

And in these times I wonder, why am I still here? to suffer? to feel the joy that spills from the music that I hear? or am I here to make the stars feel less alone as they huddle and watch my misery unfold?

I feel suffocated and loneliness grips at my heart so firmly and painfully that I almost can't bear it. My words die on my lips now, and on my fingertips when I decide to write too.

I have lost my being in a whirlwind of what I see but cannot grasp, I have lost my being dreaming until I got slapped.

The dying embers of my youth shed tears at the loss of the fire that once burned within me. My soul is starting to get covered by frost and the coldness grips at me and my thoughts.  
I dream of a sun shining from lines on my wrists and oceans stirring from my tear ducts and I am weak.

I am nothing now but a broken soul that sees life as nothing but bleak.
Forgot this in the drafts by mistake. Enjoy.
 Oct 2017 Elysia
A
Lately
 Oct 2017 Elysia
A
I’m doing fine.
I hugged an actor I like, and for some reason that stirred an emotion that I would classify as Foreign to me, happiness.
I am a passing fan and I know he forgot all about me by now, and yet meeting him made me feel like I could accomplish anything I’ve ever wanted. It’s silly, I know.
My cycle of self loathing is breaking and mending itself, and I’m stuck dealing with the shards and broken pieces that I pick up after myself, after my own destructive mind manages to break me.
I am scared- no, terrified, of the future. I’m scared of becoming a failure and I’m scared of becoming something I’ll end up hating. I’m scared of a stable life and a nine to five job. I’m scared of leaving my dreams behind in a desk drawer and continuing to live as a copy of everyone else.
Safe, in my comfort zone. Locking away my passions and dreams as phases of youth.
I’m doing fine.
I keep doubting every single decision I ever made. And I keep trying to cry out my fear and confusion to no avail. I keep drawing lines upon lines on a blank paper, somehow trying to see a meaning, or a sign, in between for me to keep going. To keep living.
I’m doing fine. I’m doing fine. I’m doing fine.
There’s a roof above my head and food on my table, there’s a bed for me to sleep on and I’m financially stable. So what is it? Why am I up at night feeling sorry for myself? Why am i complicating simple things?
I wish my brain would stop working. I wish I could play silence as a song. Loud and deafening. I wish I could stop my own mind.
I’m doing fine.
My friend is miserable and I am of no help, everything I try to mend ends up breaking. I’ve never felt so helpless. I love her to death. I love her more than I could fathom.  
I’m doing fine,
But
My soul is decaying.
I’m rotting away.
I need help.
 Oct 2017 Elysia
Matthew Vargas
Sorry to disappoint you, mother, father
But I'm not your daughter
Sorry classmates, I'm not a her
I'm a sir.
I've spread these wings, I'm ready for flight
And if necessary, I'm ready to fight
I'm sick and tired of hiding
I'm through with denying
This is me
I will be true to my heart
Nothing will shatter my pride apart.
I'm a boy. I'm a man.
And someday family, I hope you understand.
I wrote this and I'm gonna start posting more trans and queer related stuff woo!
 Oct 2017 Elysia
Imran Islam
I always wish your happiness
but you like to see my sadness
I feel your pain in my heart
but you ignore me when I'm hurt.

I write poetry for you
but you don't read them
I miss you, I think of you
but you forgot my name.

You smile but not at me
You dance, but not for me.
Without your light I am blind
and you always play on my mind.

Sigh, you love me tenderly, or else
You leave me alone or stay close
I will keep writing my feelings
I still love you and your hurting.
 Oct 2017 Elysia
Angela Rose
He made sure I knew just how lucky I was to have him
But he never hit me
He played games with my emotions repeatedly
But he never hit me
He made sure I didn’t leave the house in a skirt above the knees
But he never hit me
He knew the words to say to make me feel so small that I could not breathe
But he never hit me
He tossed me in and out, in and out, until my mind was in an out of control tizzy
But he never hit me
He messed around on the side late at night while I rested in our bed
But he never hit me
He made it clear that I wasn’t to go out at night with the girls
But he never hit me
He told me over and over again just how hard it would be to find anyone else to deal with me
But he never hit me
He fell asleep safe and sound as I laid in bed trying to catch my breath through tears
But he never hit me
He needed to have the password to every device, app and account
But he never hit me
He knew the power he held and used it over my head to weaken me
But he never hit me
He made jokes at my expense in front of friends and family and we all giggled together instead of cringed
But he never hit me
He assured me the women he texted were coworkers or colleagues but I could never know what they spoke of
But he never hit me
He made it clear that my interests and goals were not of pertinence
But he never hit me
He knew the exact words to say to take my entire day downhill
But he never hit me
He broke my heart over and over and over again until it was minuscule shreds
But he never hit me
If you or someone you know is suffering from domestic abuse please contact 1-800-799-7233 this is the national domestic abuse hotline. Abuse can happen to anyone, man or woman. It does not make you weak to seak help. <3
Love stories are not meant to be lived
you know that from the deleted faces
and vanished traces
of the ones once most valuable to you.


I don't get you I said
don't I feel a regret
for the women i loved
but was never able to live with

don't they still haunt me
?

Regret is not the word
the man was adamant,
it's more a mourning for your failure
a tormenting reminder of an undefined deficiency
that you were not up to them
or in the wrath of missing the target
they were not up to you

and then he fired the killing shot

what you remember is not the love
years have wiped out the details
leaving you with the embers of unaccomplished missions
which in the first place
you didn't deserve to be a part of
.

I hated his departing words.

True love lives in the stories
and love stories are not meant to be lived.
 Oct 2017 Elysia
Ryan Holden
Even as I freeze.
I don't drop to my knees,
The cuts from the knives
The self inflicted disease,
The unspoken words
eyes filled with tears,
closed mind,
closed blinds,
closed ears.

But as the waking leaves
curl towards new light,
the blanket opens the horizon
like a million glorious stars,
glistening the dew on the leaves
of the grass over the hill.

His consciousness had awoken,
enlightened yet frightened by the past,
remembering the pain and resent.

But I can't do this just yet
I can't be broken,
I don't want to be hurt anymore
I have nothing to give,
but I have everything to give.

Only in time will I give you my all,
I'll fall, deeper than I've fallen before.

Like the precipice wasn't the problem -
just the sheer drop below, into an ocean
of love potions

To swim with the dolphins, and to rise above the surface of the solitude.

To be able to not drown in a sea of emotion
because your eyes alone are the ocean,
and I was just a wave skipping by.

I've found the trail I want to follow
and even if I tell myself I have nothing
to give,
I know I have every single piece to give
it's just,
I've only just collected the pieces.

So please,
if I give you my all
don't shatter me, it took too long
for me to rebuild myself.

The truth is,
I want to fall deeper than I've ever fallen
I want to dive into your eyes,
to get lost at sea,
to get a call from you,
For you to say you're missing me.
 Oct 2017 Elysia
Rebel Heart
"Don't do drugs"
Everyone always says
They're addictive
Self-harming,
Cruel in every way.
I pledged to be drug-free
Since my pig-tail days.
But then you crashed into my life
And blew everything away.

My worst addiction
Was the sweetness of your lips
My favorite destruction
Written in your fingertips
My worst obsession
The deep color of your eyes
My favorite drug
In your sweet little lies.
Poem from some years ago I feel too deeply right now. Happy writing ~ BM

(Front Page 10/7/17)
 Oct 2017 Elysia
Grizzly Cheveyo
You lash out at me
Hoping to make me weaker
Hurt by the blade of your words
As tears fill my eyes
The first crack starts

"I'm fine I promise"

Knowing these lies
That they keep you away from me

I am stone

I lie to myself to block you out
Another fight, fills the air like fog
Ah yes, another tear to a company my eye
I hold back my anger
This volcano building inside of me

I am stone

The anger keeps building inside me
But I suppress it, to hold it lock and key
More fights break out
More deadlier than the last
Each time the cracks becoming deeper

I am stone

Now I've blocked you out
No longer respond to what you say
You yelling I'm like talking to a stone
Hoping to get through, but it's not working

Because I am stone
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