Hey its me again
I just need to vent
Its time my mind got right
So I can breath again
But things begin
To take a toll
And sometimes you can feel so small
That it crushes you
Punches you in the gut
Followed with a uppercut
Like what the ****?
Can I get a break?
Can I get some time to recuperate?
I guess this is life
These ups and downs
The smiles and frowns

Your never grow old, you just gain experience.

It’s exhausting
Feeling like you don’t care
Your ripping the air
Right out my lungs
I can’t breathe
I’m suffocating
All this ******* pain
Is driving me insane
So I have to let you go
I can’t give you anymore

I swear I ******* hate your guts and I hate the way this feels
I wish you could listen to what I'm saying
instead you cause all this rage and sadness
And it is not what I pictured for us, not what I imagined
I thought giving you a beautiful little girl
would soften you up but all it made me
realize is that you just don't give a ****.

Im sorry that I cant comprehend your sorrow
and how mine seems like nothing to you
and its ok because I cant expect you to think of me
in a time like this,
but Ive shown you that I care,
Ive tired so hard to show you that Im there,
you went from calling me frequently
to now hardly taking time to speak to me,
I dont know what to think
if your futher because of your depression
and maybe this is the reason for your regression;
I tired to decipher thinking "He's just busy"
and "He's just down",
my mind is getting dizzy;
I tell you I miss you,
That I just wanna see and kiss you,
and you say your busy and have no time
although Ive given you so much of mine,
and then I see you make time for your friends
so I guess it just depends
on who you make important.
You confuse me with the attention on some days
and the rejection most days
I dont thinks it fair
and I cant tell you because Im so selfless
that I dont wanna seem selfish,
but its hurting me
because every man has made me feel last on there list
and I cant even tell you this;
So all I can do is keep a piece of my heart protected
keep it from getting affected,
because now Im really feeling Im just irrelevant to you
and although that might me true
Ill still be here for you
when you feel blue
but I have to take care of myself
because one has to value oneself;
Im beautiful and smart
with a tremendous heart
and maybe things will change
and you'll see the woman thats here
is real
but yet again maybe you wont
and its ok Im use to it
maybe Im not meant to be loved
to be hugged
to  be shown for once Im held high above
so Ill just kept loving myself
because one thing Ive learned is that no one with love me
like I love me
and Ill have to learn to never put someone above me....

And so the story goes of how a ***** got so cold,
and as in ***** I mean me,
yes Im a she;
I dont give a **** if you dont like my linguistics,
but anyway let me get back to the real ****;
As I was saying of how I got so cold,
you know how it goes,
how when stupid **** keeps repeating itself it gets ******* old;
**** being cold,
its now to the point my heart is getting old;
Nah scratch its getting old, its ******* dead,
it ******* dried up and disintegrated, no love to be felt or said;
Its no longer doable like calculus,
its gonna take a ******* alchemist
to revive something that is lost, never to come back again;
Any hope I had left is done,
in place of my heart now lies a gun
ready to shoot any *******
whos trying to play me for a sucker;
I refuse to suffer
so instead I just became rougher, tougher,
immune to all these ******* bluffers;
I dont believe **** none of ya say,
I cannot be dismayed
anymore
So please dont look at my love as something to implore;
Its ******* mine,
until the day that I die...
-E.G

Remember that guy,
Yea the one who I said made me feel all this love inside;
Well he ******* lied,
He played with my mind,
I should of known after seeing several bad signs;
Never did I ever think he would or could do that to me,
He ******* cheating on me,
He thought I wouldn't see;
I'm too smart to not have found out,
He thought I would believe his words without a doubt?
Nah my intuition
is far beyond his cognition;
So I got up and did better,
To not value me is something I won't except, never;
So **** his love,
**** all those fake hugs;
They mean nothing now,
What he did to me was ******* foul;
I have no losses,
because in this situation I was faultless;
I just hope I'm not having his baby,
Because to have two ******* pregnant now that ***** crazy;
It's too bad
he lost the best life he could of had;
As for me I'm unbreakable,
And he's now erasable.
-E.G

You got me breaking my own rules,
Like how I was supposed to stay single while finishing school;
Remember I was telling you,
To work on you and then once your done to come through;
I told you we couldn't kiss,
But when we did it bliss;
I even told you I was scared,
And for me to feel was something rare;
My heart was closed,
Locked up somewhere dark and cold,
Motionless it stood frozen by the snow,
Everything was dead around, nothing could possibly grow;
And then the snow started feeling funny,
It was melting as it hit my heart,
And me being smart,
Realized something was cooking,
That's when I opened my eyes and started looking;
And realized I was feeling you,
I wanted you, that was true;
And I started breaking my rules;
Took out my tools,
and started reconstructing,
readjusting;
I fixed it, there's a beat,
suddenly I can feel my feet,
So I started moving forward,  
with you I started a new tomorrow;
Can't you see, said my heart to me,
It seems it's meant to be;
So I made you mine and locked you away,
In a place that was far far away;
Now your heart is in my oasis,
never to be tampered with, never to be tainted.
-E.G

I dont think you quite understand what Im feeling,
or how everytime I see you my heart starts beaming;
Its like all my fears,
you just made them **** disappear;
Im falling in love,
something I didnt think I was capable of;
Im baffled,
never did I think these chains on my heart would ever be unraveled;
How did you do it? How is it possible?
How did you reach the deepths of my heart?, something that I thought would never be plausible;
Im so stunned,
I no longer feel numb;
Im filled with emotions,
after living so long feeling broken;
So I  just want to say thank you,
for causing that breakthrough,
for making me believe in love again,
for showing me your not like those other men;
Im swept of my feet,
I just wanna be yours forever to keep;
I love those eyes,
because when they look at me I feel they hide no disguise;
Your lips drive me crazy,
and how they make me feel is so ******* amazing;
Your everything Ive been waiting for,
and therefore,
Your my king,
and In time as our loves grows, I'll be ready for that ring.
-E.G

I have this uncertainty,
when it comes to you and me;
Simply because of the things
I truly believe in regarding my King;
My God, my Elohim.
Its not an easy road to seek his will,
takes alot of work to fully fullfill.
Love is confusing but it take a common understanding,
knowing where your standing;
Regarding the future
and what is needed to make it run smoother;
Because life is hard enough and the pain Ive been through,
has made me toughen up.
So deciphering between your heart and you brain,
takes practice to keep yourself sain.
Hard decisions never feeling completely right,
but making that decision that brings your peace, now thats alright.

Let me tell you this...
I have low tolerance for *******
I was very honesy with what I expected
Clearly let you know so you could respect it
I voiced my dislikes from the beginning
I was expecting you to take notes and be listening
I told you I need consistency,
but all you did was distance me
I hate when Im showed a hand and then smacked with other
Like really? didnt I just tell you what it was *******
How more open and honest can I be?
I dont think you noticed it was me
you where dealing with
and how my mind is an inquisitive abyss
So if you think for a second I wouldn't  notice the subtle changes,
your mistaken
But its cool because I made my prearranges
of dealing with these common ******* phases
that men go through
So I wont repeat or explain myself because I simply dont have the energy
or time to be treated like an accessory
So goodbye,
to another ******* typical guy
-E.G

****, Im so stressed
Why is it I obsess about every little thing
about how I cant sleep and how then that leads my mind to creep,
searching here searching there searching every ******* where to find some peace
but my mind is in a snit and it weeps so this stress just sits and steeps
an insidious build up in where my mind gets filled up
with all this ******* garbage leaving me feeling *******
and no one really knows my inner struggle and dealing with the constent self rebuttal
Its so tedious this obsessive mental stressing but at least I have my poetry and release my feelings openly
never worrying of appearing weak and vulnerable or making others feel uncomfortable
So regarless how many times I cry and at times feel like I wanna die, I just know theres more to life....
-E.G

Hope all is well,
I do miss you
I think of all the times I kissed you
And how your smile made my days shine for miles
I wish this love was perfect
But it's not, I needed more,I deserve it
And although this heart of mine might yearn for you
I know things happened they way there suppose too
So I'm stuck here with this desire
Wondering if your heart still burns with my fire...
-E.G

I can be impatient
At times I'm weak when faced with temptation
I nervously bite my nails and cuticles
I may not always look oh so beautiful
I can be so sensitive
I'm very argumentative
I can be very hardheaded
but I must say I have many good qualities
like how I put others before me
how you can count on me, thats guaranteed
I sincerely care how others feel
If between you and I, Ill let you get the better deal
I give the best massages
but most of all I love how big my heart is
and although I might be a bit crazy and controlling
and you might never know how to deal with my emotions
I cant promise things will be perfect because in life nothing is certain
but I can promise that I will always tell you whats on my mind never holding things inside
comfort you when your feeling blue and when life can seem too crude
I will carry you when you feel you cant keep going because I know far to well how it feels to be broken
So tell me my love are you ready to sail through the seasons of my life?
through the highs and lows of my ocean ties
-E.G

I can hear my heart pounding in my head
I'm so ******* mad
I want to destroy everything in my path
I'm a ******* terror to see
And it's all because I simply cant be me...
-E.G

****
I felt like I was a little girl again
Butterflies in my stomach and both of us cheesing ear to ear
Its been a while since I seen you
My heart beats faster just by looking at you
And I've never stopped wanting you
Those eyes make me melt
Your lips tease me every time they move
And your voice and laugh turn me on
Your hands are big and strong and I want them all over me
****
We vibe together
After all these years you still make me feel on cloud 9
I cant stop thinking about you
Its dangerous
Even after all the pain you put me through I still want you
And your making this hard because you want me too
So what do I do?
-E.G

I feel so depressed right now
I hate this consent cringe in my stomach
Im so sad and I want to cry so bad
I want to let this depression out, my tears are so resilient to come down
It tiring how it consumes every inch of me
I crave to held
I want to be kissed with loving lips
So I wait and hurt myself because I'm tired of empty passion
I want the real thing with the right person
I want to hear that its going to be ok when I have a bad day
I need security, I need to feel I will never be left to cry alone
I refuse to make the same mistakes that drain the life out of me
I love myself to much to continue break my heart time and time again
-E.G

I just wanted to tell you, that I'm sorry for breaking your heart, that I'm sorry you just weren't the one for me, there was something missing..
I did grow to care for you and enjoy you but I just wasn't physically attracted to you.
But I just wanted to tell you I appreciate you showing me how I deserve to be loved.
I appreciate how you would always text me back every time and when you didn't you always gave me a reason why,
how you would always hold my hand when you drove,
how you would tell me how much you loved me,
how when I would get mad and want to leave you held me back,
how you constantly fought for me and my love,
how we would just sit and watching movies and eat on your bed while I laid on your chest,
how you would insist on buying me things I needed although I was so stubborn and tell you no,
how every time I asked you for a massage because my shoulders where real bad you would do it with no complaint,
for making me feel important and secure.
Thank you for teaching me how love is suppose to be,
and I  hope I find that again with someone I am truly in love with.
I hope you find love as well and that you find a woman who teaches you how love is suppose to feel.
-E.G

I have ******* commitment issues
they all give off stupid ******* miscues
I dont trust there words nor there actions
its like they come pre built or make or from the same ******* faction
Like it really seems crazy to me, like they really have group
coming up ideas of how to be more crude
Where they sit around and talk about ******* *******
feeding off each other with ideas of how to be more malicious
But guess what your playing yourself because one day you'll grow up
and realized you ****** up
Sitting on you bed crying your eyes out
and no one giving a **** of how its feel to wanna take your heart out
So enjoy now
go **** around
Because at the end your the ones who will be left crying
feeling like dying
-E.G

I wish I could go back in time
to simpler times
my Brooklyn times
Where I would just **** on my stoop,
with nothing to do
and think about how one day I make it big,
have my own family, house and kids
but here I am close to 30 still dreaming,
waiting patiently for my life to have some meaning
-E.G

I know it's difficult but sometimes you have no choice but to embrace your pain
Its the only way of keeping your sanity, and trust me darling it won't always be easy,
But the strength and person you build from enduring continuous  pain, now that's something no one can take away
-E.G

As I sit here I take a deep breaths
and with each breath I expel a drop of stress
but not enough to relief this pressure on my heart, with no success
but my mind does a good job in keeping these feelings repressed
so its battle, my heart feels pressure and mind seems to feel lesser
so I end up numb, feeling dumb to reality  
and although it saddens me this complex mentality
of my heart and mind torn and broken but together combined, it's perfect
-E.G

I know I am nothing
and I know I'm not perfect
but maybe you can use me to spark something
that can maybe be something

Sometimes I get really sad and I wanna cry but I'm not quite sure why
But it's ok because sometimes I'm filled with joy and make myself laugh and feel like there's nothing I can't do
But there's something different when I'm with you
And that's the difference
The difference is with you
My god, my love your my break through
-E.G

I'm tired of my feelings,
I wish could shut down this insane brain
that drives me up the wall and just causes pain
It doesn't stop obsessing  about the same ******* thing
of the ****** up **** I need to put up with
of the anger I feel when I feel that I'm ****** with
of stupid ******* inconsiderate people that I shouldnt **** with
of the same **** over and over that I just wanna be done with
-E.G

Every time I see you my heart drops and my hands get shaky;
I'm still attracted to you although your ******* shady.
I wish you would have been a different person, but you were filled with lies;
I remember the times I would fantasizes that you were just a good ******* guy,
that we could just be together;
Be one forever.
I would of loved you until my heart stopped beating,
Until there was no more life inside me breathing;
And I hope that one day I can find that crazy in love feeling again but with someone who actually deserves it,
Not with some ***** who just got up and left me deserted.
-E.G

So I ***** these words, these absurdities I cant cope with
This sorrow I feel cant begin to reveal,
the deep rooted pain that drives me insane
I cant breath I'm suffocating
contemplating
this life of mine
Where I fantasize
of the day
when all this pain will float away
-E.G

You know those times when you feel like dying,
like this world has nothing to offer, nothing worth trying..
Bored of life maybe,
actually just bored of the sight of me
bored of the same **** over and over of something I'm trying so hard to be...
Man.. like ****..why is it so hard to be what I want be..
-E.G

If there's one thing about me is that I don't take no ****,
I rather break my own heart and cut it into bits
If you doubt me for a moment and think I won't disown this,
I will cut you out my life like the things I truly despise
So please be careful because my love is explosive,
Its something just far too ferocious...
-E.G

There are certain things in life that bring me comfort,
like cloudy days with a hint of breeze,
hot chocolate and a movie on a rainy day,
candle lit room on a thundering night,
a boyfriend kissing my eyes gently,
drinking a soy chai latte at starbucks,
visiting this town I love called West Hartford in Connecticut,
studying at Barnes and Nobles,
going for massages,
kissing my cats,
spending time with my father just watching movies,
talking to my sister and mom about life,
visiting my grandparents and watching there favorite shows with them,
seeing my beautiful nieces face,
knowing God never abandons me,
envisioning my future life and how I want it to be,
going out to a restaurant and then catching a movie kind of day,
road trips,
hoodie weather,
Christmas time,
going to the airport,
taking long walks at night,
writing poetry.....

I feel like I'm two people
like one is evil and the other is peaceful
I can be happy and positive
beautifully cognitive
Sometimes I feel ugly and depressed
thinking I'm looking like a mess
I wish I could choose
instead I'm dealing with these ******* moods
-E.G

To be honest at times I could really hate men
I wish you could show more effort
like stop with the ******* cliche of the typical man
who doesn't ******* understand
what is it to be a woman in this world
with men who just wanna **** any girl
who opens her heart giving pieces of her soul away
Just to get through another day with some free ***** on the way
and to be honest I think your all pathetic
I think your all ******* small men who just doesn't get it
I'm tired of the excuse "all men cheat"
Like really your that weak that your can control your ******* meat
But you know what I really don't even ******* care anymore
Its like all the love and excitement isn't there anymore
-E.G

I get so ******* mad
like that kind of mad that makes you wanna cry,
Gets you all ****** up and sad inside,
but then that gets you even more mad the fact that your even crying,
So you sit down, inhale, take a drag, exhale.
I just wanna ******* scream,
I wish it was all a dream.

You know those nights,
when your looking for parking,
and your air conditioner doesn't work,
and the air is hot and musty
and you've been driving for 2 hours,
and cant find parking for ****..

I've only been in love once in my life
not that fake kind of love
but the real kind of love
the one that you'd do anything for
the waking up early mornings to go cuddle up in bed at his house type love
making sure he is feed type love
and not feed one day but having cooked his weeks worth of food type love
cleaning his house and doing his laundry type love
that I'd do anything for you type love....
And then you stabbed me repeatedly
lied and belittled me
-E.G

You know that feeling you get when someone from your past pops up again..
And you start to think of when all the fun began...
Of all the laughters and all the smiles...
All the times you danced for miles...
Of all the fights you had that made you sad..
All the times he got you mad...
Of early mornings feeling his body next yours...
Thinking that he'd forever be yours...
Its funny how life works out because next thing you know your talking about who he's about to marry..
And you realize he's no longer your burden to carry...
-E.G

If theres one thing in life I've learned its that you must learn to be happy alone and its not because its hard to find someone to comfort you, because anyone can do that, but because everyone in one way will fail you and its just human nature...your only so sure of your self and in the end only you have your back....I've learned to love myself deeply and enjoy life alone and because of that im free and no one can hurt me even if ive let them in because ive tasted real love and real happiness within myself...

Your suffocating me with all these worldly things
I can't breath and when I feel that I can finally breath I let you drag me back down again
Its tiring... how could I let you win? how dare I let you back in
Im disappointed in myself, why would I go back to these feelings that ive already felt

I'm incapable of loving you
It's not purposely
its something that's part of me
It's just that all these bafoons made me immune to loving you fully
It takes time to get me moving
It ***** that I've changed
that my heart is no longer the ******* same
-E.G

The difference between you and me is that I don't day dream,
I just make things happen.

I've changed from when you knew me before,
I no longer choose men to adore.

Cant you see that this love I hold now is for me?
For me , yes for me.

Once again I find myself alone
not completely, but alone
What's paramount is that I have you
You've given me courage and strength
something more far beyond and immense
How did I live day to day for so long without you
knowing you were right there but all I did was doubt you
Suppress you in my mind as if you didn't know life's great design....
My Elohim, my God you never abandoned me
sorry it took me so long to see...

I'm mad that I love you
Because I can't concentrate
It makes me contemplate
These feels for you
That me bring up and bring me down
It makes me think of all times when I was sound
Living without you, living despite you
So let me backtrack,
And get my ******* life back  
-E.G

I wish you could feel my heart, ******* sorrow
this pain I feel belongs to you, you put it here
and your too much of a coward to take it out.
I don't know if I want to love you anymore
you have me tired and your making me sick.

At the moment I dislike you
I wish I could just get up and ******* slice you into pieces
and feed this fire
letting it consume my hearts desire
sometimes I just cant control it
**** it at least I own it
-E.G

I don't want to fall again, so I restrain ..
from all these things that in the past that drove me insane..
It seems history keeps repeating itself, just my luck..
as if I didn't already prepare myself to not give a ****..
-E.G

You cant fool me
your swagger cant woo me
I'm not impressed by gifts and ****
or these platinum rims you get
I just cop what I want
at your cost
**** playing fair...
It wasn't fair when ya said "Hey baby trust me"
then ya ****** and ducked me...
So **** that
**** fair
and **** all these men who don't care
How they make a female feel like ****
and she just wants to rip her heart into bits
But thank you because you created master
now I can move faster and cut loose to all you *******..
-E.G

Cold *****?
nah, Im not cold
Im just numb from all these lies
and all these ******* guys.
-E.G

Dont feel bad for me,
Im a big girl,
and big girls are strong,
we get over things.