I'm very different from your typical starryeyed girl


I'm emotional
Very emotional
I often worry that I feel too deeply

And that this quality can devastatingly challenge my happiness

You see when you feel too much
You say too much
You think too much

And you are never given a break.

It's quite funny
How you can go through life
Not knowing what your purpose is

Day by day you wonder
...
What is my future
Is there a future
??

Life is confusing like that
One moment you're feeling on top of the world
The next you're down in hell
Satan calling you closer
Negative thoughts
Cants instead of cans
Doubting yourself
"I won't ever be good enough"

And because of the stupid insecurities you lock away
You never truly will,
Or can,
Be happy.

Young and naive is what they thought
as he was the boy who wouldn't talk

He silently listened to what they said and all he'd do was nod his head.

His gleaming eyes always wide awake;
the boy in the room with so much heartache

They often said he wouldn't succeed for he was different
weak with trembling knees;

But his inner strength, it truly showed the day he spoke out and let them know

He let then know that he was strong
He showed them all that they had been wrong  

Never again would they not believe that a boy so different could not achieve

Today a girl left this earth
After being strong
Battling against the deadly evil
Cancer

And my problems seem big
I have life
The precious gift that so often gets taken for granted

But you see,
we only appreciate what we have when we no longer have it

Sad, I know
But it's how we are

So appreciate everyday that you have
When you wake up
Thank god for your life
And live each day likes its your last

Because you never know when father time will come for you

This morning, the sun peaked from behind the clouds
And as the day went on, it shone brighter
Heat radiating through me
Blushing
Red cheeks
Smiles
Laughter
A brighter day unlike that of yesterdays rain
I didn't see you today
Which made it easier not to think of you
Fool myself that I'm getting over you
Maybe I will
Maybe I won't
Who knows
It's only day two

So there was this boy
He somehow kinda managed to steal my heart
Without even trying
He intrigued me
I began observing and seeing more than he let on
And slowly but surely, the compassion grew
Along with the lust, desire and craving of all things him.
It's been a couple of months now
And I lay here in bed thinking about how dumb I am to have let it get this bad
How could you let someone control you
So sneakily
Without even needing the puppet strings
All it took was the touch of his skin against mine, the smiles, the glances
That's all it took for my chest to burn a fire so bright
Melting my heart
And I was a goner.
Now the chase is over
You know how I feel
And you're waiting for me to beg for more
Act needy?
I think not
I see how this will end.
Though the clouds are still grey
The rain spitting
And the storm rumbling
There is
ALWAYS
A rainbow
And a sunny day that awaits
So keep your chin up, little girl
And wear your pride on your chest
Bc this bullshitting *******
Is no different from the rest

So there was this boy
He somehow kinda managed to steal my heart
Without even trying
He intrigued me
I began observing and seeing more than he let on
And slowly but surely, the compassion grew
Along with the lust, desire and craving of all things him.
It's been a couple of months now
And I lay here in bed thinking about how dumb I am to have let it get this bad
How could you let someone control you
So sneakily
Without even needing the puppet strings
All it took was the touch of his skin against mine, the smiles, the glances
That's all it took for my chest to burn a fire so bright
Melting my heart
And I was a goner.
Now the chase is over
You know how I feel
And you're waiting for me to beg for more
Act needy?
I think not
I see how this will end.
Though the clouds are still grey
The rain spitting
And the storm rumbling
There is
ALWAYS
A rainbow
And a sunny day that awaits
So keep your chin up, little girl
And wear your pride on your chest
Bc this bullshitting *******
Is no different from the rest

I guess a part of me always knew that this wouldn't work out

But the little girl inside of me
She kept screaming
Yelling
Urging
Me to take a chance
Be different
Different is good
?
She told me to follow my heart
Even though my mind and heart were closely paired

There was this little bit of doubt
So minuscule I could over look him

In the hope that he wouldn't be right

That for once in my life
For once in real life
There could be a happy
All would be well
And there would be a fairy tail ending

Romantic.
Like in those movies

Because how could people go through life not feeling

Or even wondering
About all the possibilities that could happen
If you just got to know her

Her likes , her dislikes
Her perfect imperfections
The things that make her tick

And slowly you'd be able to reverse the ticking time bomb
Turn all her worries
Pain
Doubts

Into happiness
Take away every negative thought she ever had

Make her feel safe
Protected
Sheltered
Like a Princess

The Princess she's always wanted to be

So.
So?
I don't even know
I thought there could've been a chance
I let you consume my mind, let you takeover
I let you get the best of me
And now I lay here
Wondering
My mind drowning in an ocean of icebergs
And I'm freezing
Freezing in the water
And did I forget to say,  drowning too
I don't know if I can be saved
Or if I can get over you
But I'll try
It's the only thing I can do
The only way I can heal my trembling heart
The heart that I so stupidly opened for you
Allowing you to enter
You don't even know you had a place in it
And that's what makes it even more sad
The fact that you don't know how I feel
And probably never will
This "thing" that crushes me
It shall go to the grave
Get buried in the deepest quarry
Never to be discovered again

Crush
Crushed your soul
Your old wise soul
Made you hopeful
Cheerful
Hopeful

Made you dream
And wonder
And fanticise all you could be
All you could share

Forget imperfections
Forget ******* past mistakes
All we'd have was a future to look forward to
A future that could've been so **** good
If only you'd tried

I gave you all I new how to give
Made myself vulnerable
Feel smaller than I already do

And you, you giant
Made my insecurities skyrocket
Intimidation beyond comprehension
All for the boy I never really thought I had a chance with

The boy who was too good for me

The (imperfect) perfect boy

The pain you brought me today was unfathomable
It has been years since that feeling
Buckets needed
The rain outside mimics me  
Mimicked me
And you broke my heart
And I wasn't only sad about you
But also about me
How could I have let my feelings get this way
I felt like I needed you
I built stories and pictures in my head
Although it wasn't only me
It was all the confidence around me
The reassurance by loved ones
That biasedly gave me hope
False inaccurate tales
I see you walking at school
And I quickly have to make sure that I don't burst
Make a greater fool of myself
Because you
Only you
Have ever made me feel this way
So stupid
So dumb
So needy
Never have I felt so great a feeling
A feeling that not even the deepest darkest dwellings of that of the ocean can comprehend
I wanted you
I tried for you
You knew
You know
And I didn't get you
So now I just walk the halls
Struck by glances of you
Hate
Hurt
Desire
All feelings that overwhelm me
And then I feel like crying
Because I feel like this
And you'll never know to what extent
And I'll never tell you
Or at least I think I won't

You see the reason things couldn't and haven't worked is because you are waiting for me to do something
And I've already let you know my feelings so like the little girl I am
I wait for you to do something
For you to be the man
Take control
Allow something
Something great to happen

I cried today
Stupid I know
But even though
There is still a tiny bit of hope
So so so small
It's there
For now I'll mask my feelings
Not let my friends know
Because maybe
Just maybe
That's how I'll get over you

Even though that's not what I intend
I still want you
Crave you
Desire you
In everyway
Not bc I'm gross
But bc I'm human
And you are the first person who has thus far incapsulated my brain in such a way
Made me want to know you on a deeper level
And why you?
WHY YOU
How did you do this to me
How did I do this to myself
***
Now I'm confused
When did I let myself begin
Liking you?

Of all people
I have no idea
But all I know
That for the time being you are the only person I want
And even though
Day by day you walk past me in the corridors
I still hold on
To that tiny thread of hope
That has been woven beneath my sleeve