In a mess, I awake to the feeling
I didn’t do it,
so I puke and I crawl and I drink
just to do it all again.
At night, I am needlessly obsessive in
wasting time,
only maudlin with alcohol stained tears
alone in a bathroom stall.
In the harsh darkness, my shadow falls
to its knees
reckless and voluntarily debauched
can’t stop the sins from slipping out.
At times, I have discovered myself
to be obscene
so I scream instead of honeyed whispering
begging for the familiar collapse.
Crazed, I shake my hair out and leave
before you notice,
walking like a shameless heretic
to find the next version of myself.
For a moment, I twist and turn sour
in your mouth,
and if you thought kissing me would save me,
you were wrong.

There once was a illness from China
That spread through contact and saliva
Now we drink way too much
And stay inside to avoid touch
I’ll be a drunk at the end of this virus

today, I chose to unmake the memories
I untangled your hands from around my heart and set it back into my chest
this looks like forgetting but it’s not
it’s more than that
it’s erasing the lines of warmth I’ve penciled in over the hurt
I’ve stopped pouring sugar over the unsatisfaction
and started remembering us correctly
you see, I cannot recall myself stronger, less of a coward
when I was unwilling to rock a sinking boat
I must erase the imagined version of us where you knew exactly what I wanted
because I told you
the truth is, you cannot iron out the heartache without ruining the lies
it is impossible to handpick only the good memories
you cannot invent a fullness where there was something empty
so,
today, I chose to see the truth
to see all of our failures and shortcomings unredacted
and come out unscathed despite it

there was never a time I wasn’t faking it
sipping on lies like wine and always wanting more
I can’t remember not being thirsty

with liquor, my words run rampant
they slip from my tongue so easily and dance in the streets
they’re willing to burn down cities
they’re willing to cut throats
they’re willing to ruin anything good
another reason I stopped drinking-- I can’t keep feeding myself frenzies

there was always going to be something greater than my want
just look at us
i begged my hands and knees ******
still the universe said: don't
so here we aren't

sometimes I forget we come from similar pain
that we both died a bit one day in April
I forget that my wounds are your wounds
it's the love only a mother could have
one that breaks hearts in unison