I looked at my face tonight. I was so lost and miserable.
And I loved it.
My blurred eyes trying to focus on the thoughts deep inside my mind.
I don’t want that but it just has to be this way.
And I’m too much of a coward to lie. Even to myself.
Constantly tripping and trying to find a way out.
And being so beautifully sad inside, cruelly trying not to lose hope.
But the hope is gone and far, far away.
I’m trying to feel something. Something real. But maybe I feel too much at once.
Am I too fragile to feel?
They say all the truth is simple. But isn’t that a lie? Such a ******* lie!
I am forced to be honest but that honesty points me to nowhere. I’m only more and more lost.
Lost. Lonely. Disappointed. Empty. Scared.

You're the trees dancing softly in the wind.
You're the vibrating string making sound such calming, making me want to drown.
You're the smell of new sheets after a rainy night.
You're my bookstand I'll always reach to.
You're the river of words wrote down carefully on brown paper I'll always look for escape in.
And you're just making me smile.
I love you.

Sun is shining
Music's playing
Children are having fun
In the smell of early autumn
Bitter taste of local bar coffee
Brings all the sweet memories to her
Puts a shy smile on her face
Time seems to stop
Such a perfect day
I'm dead

Quick look out the window. It’s not the same.
I wish the grass was greener. It’s just not good enough.
I’m not good enough.
We used to love, we used to hate, we used to feel.
Now we’re filled with emptiness.
And I miss the days when air was thick and thoughts were fleeting.
I miss the smell of petrol and wet wood.
The sun hurts my eyes and I’m thinking: why it has to be this way?
I could be better of that. I could be what I once was.
I know you didn’t have to go. I’ve always known but I was okay with that.
I’m just never on the first place. But at least I try…
I need a purpose. I have to do something for myself.
Walking around watching leafs fall down isn’t a thing to do.
I wanna go back there, feel that excitement again.
I know something will move. I can change.
And when you’ll ask me to come back I’ll refuse.
You’re just not a person to waste time on.
You have burned me, now I’ll watch you burn.
Just give me my old photos back so I can throw them out myself,
So I can move on.
Let’s just go back there and smell the petrol and wet wood.
Let’s go back there and love, and hate, and feel…
And let our thoughts be light and fleeting…
Let’s just levitate for a while.

In the cosy room
we found deep forest
where the calming silence
came through the vibrating
strings and sound of
two heartbeats,
where fireflies told stories
and no one but us
could see the beauty.

He sat on the table
With sadness in his hand
He put it in his pocket
And he lit a cigarette

Not even half asleep
But also not dead yet
He fought his thoughts
In the sound of heavy air

Nights are getting cold, the shadows are so much darker.
I find silence so much louder than it really is.
I’m growing old, life is floating out of me.
And I feel so alone.
Dear friends, my friends forever!
Why are you out there, digging your graves with lies?
And no one’s here to care, no one’s here to notice.
My lungs collapsing from the false that hangs in the air.
My heart filled with emptiness.
And blood in my veins poisoned by disappointments of my entire life.
Because nothing stays the same and nothing lasts forever.
And maybe I wish leafs could fall backwards.
Maybe I wish things happened twice.
But what would it change?
Dear friends, my useless friends…
You’ve lost your chance.
Don’t feed me with sadness anymore.

To the whispering trees
I tell my darkest secrets
With my hungry sight

And they understand

And as I walk through
The sound of ticking clock
With my hands
In my pockets full of sand

I realize I give no love
To this world
And no love I get back

I just stare.

And I think...
Think...
Think.

Why's the sound so hollow?
Am I here?

And the clock stopped ticking
Trees weren't whispering anymore
Waves ate what was left
Of my wrinkled soul

Now I'm a flinching body
With a case of thoughts

Have you ever listened?

Lazy silence
Heavy breath of what's unsaid
Running through the foggy gardens

Ops...

So I swallowed my own hand
Reached for heart that wasn't mine
Snatched it out and bottled up
And just threw it to the ocean

No, I haven't. Have I?

I was a bad person.
Before I met You.
Please, don't leave me.

Don't let me fall asleep today
I won't come back
When my eyelids fall down
Like your cigarette ash
There's no turning back

Please, don't make me happy
When I'm so beautifully sad
Just don't let me fall asleep, darling
I'm already weak and broken
I'm hopelessly mad

The rain gently taps the window sill
and I’m lost in my thoughts.
I’m half awake waiting for the storm to come.
For the storm to come and clean up my mind.
I wanna breathe fresh air again.

Your heavy breath. It crumbles fragile surface of my memories.
And I don’t want to drown in it. Not again.
You used to paint my days with the smell of your hair.
Days thick as my thoughts every single night.
But the days passed away and you stayed just in my head.
Now I’m laying on the floor all alone and choking with the silence that reminds me of you.
Rain gently taps the window sill as I stare into the past.
And some day I’m gonna be younger than tonight. Some day I’m gonna be stronger.
But not now.
I wanna jump into your eyes and get wasted with your smile. And just swing on your eyelash.
Let me be a careless kid again. Just for a minute.
Cause I miss that happy tears, I miss messy sheets and the music in another room playing all night long just so we know.
Stare with me into the ceiling.
I will feel your smile behind my back.
Third time missed that light. Tonight I’m gonna leave all the white fence house plans.
Tonight I’m gonna take my life.

Maybe I’m young but I’m not careless at all.
So many thoughts I can’t put in words.
So many feelings at once.
Happiness, nostalgy, fear, gratefulness for who I am
and so many more I just can’t, I can’t name.
All these words seem to be so ordinary
but in my head every of them looks so big.
I know, the time when everything starts will come.
I want to discover my life.
I’ll never stop trying to define who I am.
True life is that one you live your dreams.
Without the dreams, without self-esteem, without the purpose,
without trying to understand myself I’m nothing.
Because what’s the point of vanity?
The world of dreams is the real world.
Nostalgy is beauty.
Being yourself is possibility to be who you want to be.
And all I want to be is a good person.
And all I want to do is doing whatever makes me happy.
And whatever makes me feel alive.
I want to live, not just exist.
Standing tough on the ground but still living in a dream.
This is my world. This is my life.

Why do I feel so abandoned and scared
When you’re just upset?
Why do I feel so terribly broken,
Like you’d rip my chest open and took everything?
Why did I let this happen?
God, please let me stop thinking about it.
Just don’t…
Stop!
Stop.
Stop…
STOP!

It doesn’t work.
I’ll just keep blaming myself, I guess.
You are my world.
I need no heart if you’re not here.
Don’t leave.

5:14 am. Window sill. Sun is rising to light a new day.
Last cigarette. Coffee cup. I’m lost and alone.

I don’t sleep at all and the lack of the sun is just killing me.
And I can clearly say: I’m not happy. And I don’t blame myself.
I just have to learn how to trust.
I realize that nothing’s gonna change in a while.
And I have no idea how I’m gonna handle it.
And that aridity is just killing me.
I have that feeling that you weren’t here for a long time.
Actually I feel like I’ve never met you.
It shouldn’t be that way but you gave me no choice.
I have to learn how to be indifferent.

Hurt me.