No one buys used *** dolls.
Why did I expect you to?
Take me off the shelf,
Please I encourage it.
Pop me.
Deflate me until I'm so flat
Running me over makes no difference.
Running has never been an option.
You can't run
When you're made of air,
Fantasy,
And shadows.
I just sit hear silently praying
That is isn't another test drive.
Run me over.
Run me over.
Run me over.
*Run.

I've been accepting apologies I was never given,
I've been giving thanks to the pain,
I've been kissing the scars in my skin,
I've been listening to the soft whisper
Always distant in my panic
That says
"Maybe it's not so bad"

I've been laughing at my mistakes,
I've been telling myself I'm okay,
I've been asking for help,
Minus all of the shame

In between dreams
I've been kissing my own hands,
Talking to myself like royalty,
Wearing my make up like face paint,
Dancing in my bedroom,
Alone with the door unlocked

I've been carrying red lipstick in my purse,
I've been spraying perfume in my hair,
I've been waking up with the sun,
Using moisturizer that smells like
Chai tea and raspberries,
Putting lemon in my water

I've been calling my grandmother,
Telling her I love her even though
I know she can't hear me

I've been kissing my sister on the forehead,
Wishing her agony into space

Today I ate
A maple & walnut muffin
And I didn't stick my finger
Down my throat a single time

And I smelled my coffee
Before I drank it
And I wrapped my hands around
The mug
And I thought about how nice it is
To be so warm

Today I sat with ten suicide notes
In my lap,
All written in my script,
From days with a tired brain,
And I said sorry to myself
Over and over again
Until I believed myself
That I'll never do it again

Today I bought a brand new blanket,
The softest one I could find in target,
And I wrapped myself all up in it,
And I thought,
It's time I ******* own kindness

Good morning,
It's a beautiful day
to romanticize my own death

Good morning,
My brain is doing this
Brand new ****** up thing
And it's hardly 8 AM

I used to know how to float
Now I'm drowning

I used to know how to keep my distance
Now my feet are dangling over the edge

And I have this constant feeling in my stomach
Like I'm already falling

And I'd ask you to talk me down
But we haven't been talking

And I'd ask you to hold my hand
But you can't reach me
From where I've been hiding

I don't know
What it is
About this bed
That's begun to feel
Like a coffin

I drink coffee at night
And pills in the morning

I am tired
But not for a
Lack of sleeping

My dad has a doctorate degree
In civil law

I'm 22 and a freshman
With very little direction

I've been disappointed in myself for so long
But I haven't done much to change it

I thought maybe yoga
Would enlighten me
But I don't like the way
My body looks
When it bends

I thought maybe
A boy could save me
From feeling ugly
But he doesn't like they way
My body looks
When it bends

And he doesn't say it

He doesn't say much at all

But I could tell,

I was born intuitive

And I've been trying
Lately
To shake it

Cause everyone's thoughts
Are cold and painful

And I don't wanna see them
Anymore

I get paid
to bathe people,
to feed them,
to do their laundry,
And to make them smile,
But they still tell me
Right before they fall asleep
At night,
Right before I finally get
To leave them,
That I'm going to Hell
For the pictures in my skin
That I thought I needed
When I got them

I just wanna love something

I just wanna feel loved sometimes

There's a broken heart
on my right bicep
With a banner through it
That reads "myself"
And I'd say it's pretty honest

I've been breaking my own heart
Since I learned how to be
Introspective
When I was eight

I've been breaking my own heart

I just wanna be kind
To myself
And to the boy
Who holds me
And to the friends
Who call me
And to the family
Who supports me

I just wanna be kind
To my mind
And to my body

Show me how
To be decent

I'm so cruel
Anymore

I didn't ask to be like this,
Sitting on a bar stool in south Philly,
Hoping no one notices the water in my fist
Because I don't drink,
And I can't decide if that matters

I didn't ask to be like this,
Counting tiles as I walk through them,
Hoping no one notices
the concentration in my teeth,
Because I can barely breathe,
And I can't decide if I want to

Liking the rain doesn't make you interesting,
it makes you half-past 20 in northern PA,
And saying whatever is on your mind
doesn't make you edgy,
It makes you obnoxious...
It makes me think just maybe
You talk a little bit too much,
And tequila shots don't make you brave,
They make you sound like an 18 year old,
Just as lost, just as confused, just as scared-
But less articulate for sure,
Your matte red lips aren't deep,
Your matte red lips match mine
& every other woman in this ******* bar,
I didn't come here to talk about acid trips,
Or the hypocrisy in your politics,
I didn't come here to make friends,
Ever think I just wanted to sit?

I haven't spoken a word out loud
In six weeks and three days,
So I'm sorry if my voice shakes

I don't go outside for much anymore
So I'm sorry if your blinded by my complexion

I work at a nursing home
And I'm nearly as dead
As the patients,
The failure in my brain
Is a little different
But I'm equally exhausted
By my inadequacies

Without a lack of trying
I'm begging for the strength
To slit my own throat,
Because I don't feel like
Showing up for an other day

My diagnosis is a list 6 pages long
Full of initialisms that
end in the letter "D"
For Disorder

And I promise my tattoos
Are not an invitation for conversation,
So don't look so confused
When I get up and walk away
From you

I keep telling my boyfriend
Not to fall in love with me
Even though I've been
In love with him all along

I keep telling my boyfriend
To protect himself
Because I've been on my way out
Since I turned sixteen,

I say,
"I never thought I'd make it to
twenty-two, but please remember
I didn't stay to be with you"

I'm always trying to save
Bright eyed people,
Full of swirling galaxies,
And light
From the way I seem to
hallow them out,

I'm sorry I stayed in bed
With the tick inside my head
Again this week,
Don't forgive me